Day 138: Fishy in the Blue

June 9, 2012June 9, 2012 | Aspergers Girls

This is a banjo song that I just wrote to play on my first guitar. Yes, I know. “Banjo song to play on my guitar”—sums up my life, fairly well.

Fishy in the Blue

I’m living in a dreamland

The water’s ocean blue

Swimming to the outskirts

Of what I thought was you

But seeing only hard glass

That’s staring back at me

Sad eyes of the morning

Drenched in misery

Aquarium of aqua, and slowly merging green

Aquarium of absence, where you were meant to be

I’m living in a dreamland

Your face is all I know

Staring through the ripples

And watching as you go

Hunting through this glass cage

A sliver through a rock

Waiting for my sweet love

To give my home a knock

You’re shaking up my water

You’re shimmering my world

With all your fancy sparkles

And all your hidden jewels

A cauldron where a prince breathes

A castle undersea

You’re everything this fish needs

To live in luxury

I’m living in a dreamland

Your face is all I know

Staring through the ripples

And watching as you go

Hunting through this glass cage

A sliver through a rock

Waiting for my sweet love

To give my home a knock

There’s seahorses and urchins

And plenitude of schools

There’s suitors at my doorstep

Reciting gratitude

But I ain’t got no interest

Not even ‘nough to look

Too busy staring outward

A mermaid to a hook

I round the laps familiar

Still circling this place

Keep staring through that window

Keep giving love a chase

I’m living in a dreamland

Your face is all I know

Staring through the ripples

And watching as you go

Hunting through this glass cage

A sliver through a rock

Waiting for my sweet love

To give my home a knock

The bubbles they keep floating

Atop this prison cell

Serenading sadness

As far as I can tell

But I can’t stop my twanging

My fins to banjo string

You’re everything I wished for

You give this goldie wings

So sweetie if you’re out there

Beyond this world of mine

Why don’t you come forward

So I can watch you shine

‘Cause I am just a fishy

In everything I do

A little fancy heartache

That’s swimming in the blue

~ Sam of the Blue

Post dedicated to my Irish Grandpa Mac. Rest in Peace.

June 2012

His Call

June 7, 2012June 8, 2012 | Aspergers Girls

The new theme for my life, I have decided, is breaking free. Breaking free of rigid restrictions I set upon myself. Breaking free of old tapes that replay messages that no longer serve a purpose in my growth. Breaking free of the box I put myself into in order to avoid living and feeling. Breaking free of fear. And breaking free of secrets.

Today I decided to break free of this idea that I can only post once a day. I notice that us poets sometimes need to post more. It’s our hearts, I gather, exploding with passion and angst, and this surging creativity that seemingly is rebirthed daily.

Sometimes I wait until the magic hour of midnight to post; just so I can post twice in a day, but I don’t really count that as posting twice. Turns out I’m about twelve days ahead of myself…my blog is living in the future. And I kind of wonder how I will catch up. Wonder what Sam is doing ahead of me.

I’m quite tired of living by structure and rules, especially my own. Tired of routine, expectations, and people-pleasing. Realizing I want to please myself—to honor my desires, wants, and dreams. And thusly, I’m posting again. And breaking free.

His Call

Mountain morning dove

Set upon the pearly staircase

Wrapped within the valley blue

Draped in lace and contemplation

The white of one split two

Hears echoing

From peak

The nightingale’s beckon

Stronger than the cry of river falls

Lighter than the foe of painter’s black

The vibration of symphony devoured

Within the deepest depths

Phoenix-fire ignited

Rebirthed as starlit sky

Beyond the endless cage

Scooped longingly within engulfing embrace

Merging feathers

Churned milky-honey

A blended sweetness

To soar within

My ten-year-old son just handed me this sweet story he wrote.

Bunny

Turtle loved to play with his buddy fish. But one day a stranger came up to them while they were playing splash. “Hi. My name is Bunny can I play, too?”

“Yea. You can play.”

They were all playing but when they started to play under the water hide-and-go-seek, Bunny couldn’t breathe. Bunny asked if he could play another game.

“Can we play a different game?” he asked.

“No. We can’t. We like to play this game.”

Bunny came home that day very sad. His mom asked what was the matter. “Well, I was playing with some kids and they were playing a game I can’t play. So I asked it we could play a different game and they said, ‘no.'”

“Well, that wasn’t the nice thing to do,” his mom said.

“What’s nice, Mommy?”

“Well nice is being kind and caring and being polite.”

“Oh. Okay, But what do I do about it?”

“Find new friends that are nice to you. Okay?”

The next morning the bunny was hopping around and found the squirrel. “Hi. Want to play?”

“Yes. Let’s play!”

And they did, all day long.

When bunny got home, he was so happy.

His mom asked him, “Where were you?”

“Playing with squirrel!”

“Great. You found a new friend.”

“Yes. And he’s cool. Thank you, Mom.”

~ Robert C 2012

Thanks for being my new friend and being so flippin cool ~ Sam 🙂

Day 136: I am Beauty. I am Beast.

June 7, 2012March 27, 2013 | Aspergers Girls

I talk to my higher power a lot. All day really. I talk to my angels, Jesus, nature, God, my guardians of light, people who have passed on. And I continually examine my mind, my thoughts, my actions—all the time. I don’t know how to breathe without focusing on the light, on my journey, on my life’s calling.

But I am human. I falter. I stumble. I become fixated and obsessed. I worry. I forget. I forget my purpose and the gifts I carry.

Then the guilt comes. The analysis. The fret and worry. And I am engulfed in should and should nots. How I could be better, more perfect, less human. My mind spins in review of all the reasons I am not enough. All the sources I turn to instead of light—the things, the people. I make validation my idol. I make love of self my goal. I forget why I am here. I forget to release expectations. I forget I am love. I am perfection. I am pure light.

My gift is in my message. In my story. In my words. In my ability to share my truth from the depths of me.

But I forget.

Sometimes I realize that I am writing for my own interest.

Sometimes I write only to be heard or seen by one special person, a friend, a lover.

Sometimes I write in hopes of discovery.

Sometimes I write so someone, anyone, will take note.

Sometimes I write to count the number of like buttons hit on my blog.

Sometimes I write in hopes of the perfect comment from a reader.

Sometimes I write because if I do not I will absolutely explode.

I think of these reasons. And I weep.

I think these are wrong. I think I am wrong.

I cry and beg for forgiveness. For forgiveness for being human.

I plea to be led back to source. For release from my selfish ways.

I weep and weep.

I beat myself up.

My light dims.

Until spirit gently answers.

Like he always does.

In the kindest of ways.

In the form of a gift sent by a distant friend.

A box

that opens

To bubble wrap

Filled with

A mini-zoo of plastic animals

Each animal with a small uplifting handwritten note attached

Photo on 2012-06-07 at 09.15 — Like the rhino ~ stamina, solidity, a creature of substance and expansive power.

Each with a special message for my spirit

Photo on 2012-06-07 at 09.16 — Like the Polar Bear ~ The embodiment of the spirit of the north–one who holds ancient wisdom and shamanic powers.

I hold each animal and weep

And then at the very bottom of the box

Find a Beauty and the Beast CD

And I cry harder

In the knowing

Spirit is with me

In knowing I am enough

That I am beauty despite the beast

And beast despite the beauty

That I am courageous

A source of light

Walking in divine timing

Blessed in grace

This Beauty

This Beast

Both equally powerful in message and truth

And I weep again

For I am

And will always be

Nothing Less

Than Perfect

Thank you my dear precious friend

Thank you dear precious spirit

Beauty_and_Beast — http://onceuponatime.wikia.com/

Day 135: Riding the Wave

June 6, 2012June 6, 2012 | Aspergers Girls

I’ve stuffed my emotions for so many years. The fire in me is now burning, and I’m loving the independence, and new found freedom. I feel like I’m thirteen again. Only much more wise, mature, confident, and damn sexy!

I love songs, like I did back then. I am dancing. I can’t get enough of the outdoors. I am enjoying my friends, as we giggle a lot over girl talk.

I am so excited for life and all life has to offer. I am very satisfied with who I am, where I have traveled, and what I have overcome. I feel like the Cat’s Pajamas. I am the Cat’s Pajamas! I’m great, incredible, and special. Just like YOU! And I’m moving towards my own style and own innovation.

I’m chuckling over the silliest things, like this definition of bee’s knees:

Coined circa, in the 1920’s, bee’s knees means something along the lines of very good, excellent, great, amazing. A bee’s baskets for pollen are located near its knees, so when the bee’s baskets are full of pollen, they are filled with the good stuff.

That just cracks me up! Filled with the good stuff!

I feel filled with good stuff. I truly do.

And of course this stuff turns into the sweetness of honey! Yummy honey….

I also laughed aloud at the less popular terms of endearment that never quite made it through the years—words like: the flea’s eyebrows and the canary’s tusks. I so want to call someone the flea’s eyebrows. Just once. “Hey, you sexy!” “Yea, YOU.” “You, MY MAN, are the flea’s eyebrows!” I’d like to say that to a biker dude with a bunch of awesome tattoos or a twenty-year old kid, just to freak him out. Old lady diving off the deep end.

I am truly enjoying this rush, whatever it is. I don’t really care anymore. I am happy. Balanced. Loving. Focused. And for the most part feel sane…just constantly aching. But hey, an ache in the loins makes for marvelous poetry….

Here’s a poem I wrote in a matter of seconds yesterday, posted, then deleted. I fretted the words would seem silly and non-sensical to the onlooker. But after reflection, I really dig this poem. It makes sense to me. It moves me. It makes me feel alive. And that’s what I am aiming for during this phase of my life. What moves me. No one is stopping me this time. I’m me. And I love me.

Whatever transitions are happening in 2012, I seem to be surfing the wave of the collective unconscious. Or, like my bud Lisa said, maybe it’s early menopause.

Like I said. Makes no difference. Bring it on!