Day 136: I am Beauty. I am Beast.

Photo on 2012-05-31 at 09.30

I talk to my higher power a lot. All day really. I talk to my angels, Jesus, nature, God, my guardians of light, people who have passed on. And I continually examine my mind, my thoughts, my actions—all the time. I don’t know how to breathe without focusing on the light, on my journey, on my life’s calling.

But I am human. I falter. I stumble. I become fixated and obsessed. I worry. I forget. I forget my purpose and the gifts I carry.

Then the guilt comes. The analysis. The fret and worry. And I am engulfed in should and should nots. How I could be better, more perfect, less human. My mind spins in review of all the reasons I am not enough. All the sources I turn to instead of lightβ€”the things, the people. I make validation my idol. I make love of self my goal. I forget why I am here. I forget to release expectations. I forget I am love. I am perfection. I am pure light.

My gift is in my message. In my story. In my words. In my ability to share my truth from the depths of me.

But I forget.

Sometimes I realize that I am writing for my own interest.

Sometimes I write only to be heard or seen by one special person, a friend, a lover.

Sometimes I write in hopes of discovery.

Sometimes I write so someone, anyone, will take note.

Sometimes I write to count the number of like buttons hit on my blog.

Sometimes I write in hopes of the perfect comment from a reader.

Sometimes I write because if I do not I will absolutely explode.

I think of these reasons. And I weep.

I think these are wrong. I think I am wrong.

I cry and beg for forgiveness. For forgiveness for being human.

I plea to be led back to source. For release from my selfish ways.

I weep and weep.

I beat myself up.

My light dims.

Until spirit gently answers.

Like he always does.

In the kindest of ways.

In the form of a gift sent by a distant friend.

A box

that opens

To bubble wrap

Filled with

A mini-zoo of Β plastic animals

Each animal with a small uplifting handwritten note attached

Like the rhino ~ stamina, solidity, a creature of substance and expansive power.

Each with a special message for my spirit

Like the Polar Bear ~ The embodiment of the spirit of the north–one who holds ancient wisdom and shamanic powers.

I hold each animal and weep

And then at the very bottom of the box

Find a Beauty and the Beast CD

And I cry harder

In the knowing

Spirit is with me

In knowing I am enough

That I am beauty despite the beast

And beast despite the beauty

That I am courageous

A source of light

Walking in divine timing

Blessed in grace

This Beauty

This Beast

Both equally powerful in message and truth

And I weep again

For I am

And will always be

Nothing Less

Than Perfect

Thank you my dear precious friend

Thank you dear precious spirit

18 thoughts on “Day 136: I am Beauty. I am Beast.

  1. Once again, you brought me to tears. I especially love your poetry. You write from the heart, and your post today reminded me of my life’s mission. Warmest appreciation!

    1. Thank you for your kindness. Please add your name to the link atop my blog under Awards and Blogs. There is a description there. I am very honored and humbled. Much love to you, Sam

  2. You are so lovable Sam..just love the way you share your thoughts with us..what a lovely flow of words,and each post glowing with the inner strength of this incredible beautiful and string woman who writes them..
    All of us have beauty and beast in them…and you my dear are an angel…
    love ya sista πŸ™‚

    1. OH, go ahead, make me cry again. You are so wonderfully supportive. I could just hug you so tight!!! Thank you for seeing me and understanding me. Love you like I love the sunshine, sweet Soma. xoxo Sam

  3. You and I, Dear One, think and act so much alike and when I read your words, so eloquently and genuinely penned, it feels like something that I would write, or have at least Felt Deeply~ I am thinking about checking out the symptoms for ASD because I may also have this condition~ I also Loved your story about “Justice”, yet I was left saddened for two reasons. One, I lost a few dogs, in my youth, to those bigger animals who have four tires instead of feet and as a result of that enormous pain that I felt, as a child, I never allowed my children to get a dog, nor have I had one as an adult.Two, you write in such vivid detail about your childhood and mine feels so murky, distant and unapproachable~ I have gone through some journals, called Diary’s at the time and most of what I wrote there was about pain and loss~ So Thank You for the sheer enjoyment of reading your craft and also for putting a crack in this armor, so that more light may get in~ Blessed to know you, Sam~ πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you for your kindness. Please keep me informed if you do indeed look into ASD, and let me know if you have any questions. See facebook link atop blog. I am sorry the story Justice saddened you. I lost Justice to a big animal with four tires, as well. My childhood was murky for most of my life, until I had an answer in prayer to write everyday about my childhood. I wrote for 364 days out of the year for two to four hours a day. The memories flooded back. I spent the next year rewriting, and the year after that rewriting more. With each draft I released angst. First stage/year: Great Grief, sadness, regret; second year: Great Anger, Blame, Rage; third year: Forgiveness, acceptance, release. Very healing process. Now this stage, some years later, is the final stage of sharing my truth and healing, and continued journey. Sorry to ramble. Thought you might like to know that my memories were murky, too, once. Glad there is a little fissure in that armor….letting in the light is a good thing. Blessings Friend, Sam πŸ™‚

      1. Oh Please Do Ramble~! That sounds like the “roto rooter” of all processing and of coming to terms with your past and I did a similar process in 1999 (only one hour a day though) as a part of the 12 step program I was involved in~ This process eventually came down to creating one statement, one “thread” in the tapestry of my life and up to that point and it was… “I” am not good enough”~ Every since I lost my 11 year old Daughter in a house fire in 2002, I have made it a point to Not look back at All and now it feels like it’s time again to venture into what has been glossed over with drugs, alcohol and spiritual spew~ Thank you So much for helping me to *see* the value in this~ πŸ™‚ Blessed to know you Dear Heart~ πŸ™‚ Satprem (Mark)

  4. Oh, Sam! You are perfect as am I. People need to understand that all of us are perfect. Who said it best? The quote: “God Bless us, each and every one!”

  5. Sam, i love the messages with the toy animals you show…very insightful. Like always, i enjoy your reflective mind and how you can write everything down no matter what. *Bear hugs* Love you soul sister. πŸ™‚

    1. My friend sent me those animales in the mail from CA. 13 messages. They are all wonderful and precious. I lined all the animals along my fireplace mantel. Thank you for your kind words. Bear hugs, Little Cute Soul Sister. ~ Sam

  6. Thank you Thank you Sam for your wonderful writings and blog!! It was actually today that I started thinking that something like you are doing would really be a wonderful outlet for my writing and I then happened to stumble upon your blog! WOW!!!! My entire life I have felt like you and the other females out there with Aspergers yet I had absolutely no idea there was a true name and a “face” for my being—-its not so much in the name of the “diagnosis” as it is a true voice for my feelings that I have been secretly hiding away in my endless journals of dreams and reflections—feeling that no one would truly understand and accept the REAL me—I have been on a long journey over the past three years in extensive therapy and also in a masters program for Counseling Psychology just as you did yourself, and I am now only fully understanding my actual predicament and that there is hope for me (even with the acceptance that counseling is not my actual path) πŸ™‚ I have a different type of calling and it is truly writing like yourself and sharing with others—likewise I am a musician and write many lyrics that are closely in line with our unique experience. Anywho, I just wanted to tell you how much your poetry touched me and how your un-official checklist has become an outlet for me to express more truly to others and my family what it is I go through everyday. THANK YOU FOR YOUR BEAUTY AND WISDOM!!! –Daniela

    1. You are very welcome. πŸ™‚ I am so glad you are on the counseling path. Yay, you!!!! So happy to hear from you and would love a link to your poetry, lyrics, writing, if and when you have a link. πŸ™‚ Thanks for your awesome message. Made me day! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ The best of luck to you. ~ Sam

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