Aspergers Traits (Women, Females, Girls)


Ten Traits

1) We are deep philosophical thinkers and writers; gifted in the sense of our level of thinking. Perhaps poets, professors, authors, or avid readers of nonfictional genre. I don’t believe you can have Aspergers without being highly-intelligent by mainstream standards. Perhaps that is part of the issue at hand, the extreme intelligence leading to an over-active mind and high anxiety. We see things at multiple levels, including our own place in the world and our own thinking processes. We analyze our existence, the meaning of life, the meaning of everything continually. We are serious and matter-of-fact. Nothing is taken for granted, simplified, or easy. Everything is complex.

2) We are innocent, naive, and honest. Do we lie? Yes. Do we like to lie? No. Things that are hard for us to understand: manipulation, disloyalty, vindictive behavior, and retaliation. Are we easily fooled and conned, particularly before we grow wiser to the ways of the world? Absolutely, yes. Confusion, feeling misplaced, isolated, overwhelmed, and simply plopped down on the wrong universe, are all parts of the Aspie experience. Can we learn to adapt? Yes. Is it always hard to fit in at some level? Yes. Can we out grow our character traits? No.

3) We are escape artists. We know how to escape. It’s the way we survive this place. We escape through our fixations, obsessions, over-interest in a subject, our imaginings, and even made up reality. We escape and make sense of our world through mental processing, in spoken or written form. We escape in the rhythm of words. We escape in our philosophizing.  As children, we had pretend friends or animals, maybe witches or spirit friends, even extraterrestrial buddies. We escaped in our play, imitating what we’d seen on television or in walking life, taking on the role of a teacher, actress in a play, movie star. If we had friends, we were either their instructor or boss, telling them what to do, where to stand, and how to talk, or we were the “baby,” blindly following our friends wherever they went. We saw friends as “pawn” like; similar to a chess game, we moved them into the best position for us. We escaped our own identity by taking on one friend’s identity. We dressed like her, spoke like her, adapted our own self to her (or his) likes and dislikes. We became masters at imitation, without recognizing what we were doing. We escaped through music. Through the repeated lyrics or rhythm of a song–through everything that song stirred in us. We escaped into fantasies, what could be, projections, dreams, and fairy-tale-endings. We obsessed over collecting objects, maybe stickers, mystical unicorns, or books. We may have escaped through a relationship with a lover. We delve into an alternate state of mind, so we could breathe, maybe momentarily taking on another dialect, personality, or view of the world. Numbers brought ease. Counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging. At parties, if we went, we might have escaped into a closet, the outskirts, outdoors, or at the side of our best friend. We may have escaped through substance abuse, including food, or through hiding in our homes. What did it mean to relax? To rest? To play without structure or goal? Nothing was for fun, everything had to have purpose. When we resurfaced, we became confused. What had we missed? What had we left behind? What would we cling to next?

4) We have comorbid attributes of other syndromes/disorders/conditions. We often have OCD tendencies (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), sensory issues (with sight, sound, texture, smells, taste), generalized anxiety and/or a sense we are always unsafe or in pending danger, particularly in crowded public places. We may have been labeled with seemingly polar extremes: depressed/over-joyed, lazy/over-active, inconsiderate/over-sensitive, lacking awareness/attention to detail, low-focus/high-focus. We may have poor muscle tone, be double-jointed, and lack in our motor-skills. We may hold our pencil “incorrectly.” We may have eating disorders, food obsessions, and struggles with diet. We may have irritable bowel, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and other immune-challenges. We may have sought out answers to why we seemed to see the world differently than others we knew, only to be told we were attention seekers, paranoid, hypochondriacs, or too focused on diagnoses and labels. Our personhood was challenged on the sole basis that we “knew” we were different but couldn’t prove it to the world and/or our personhood was oppressed as we attempted to be and act like someone we were not. We still question our place in the world, who we are, who we are expected to be, searching for the “rights” and “wrongs;” and then, as we grow and realize there are no true answers, that everything is theory-based and limited, we wonder where to search.

5) We learn that to fit in we have to “fake” it. Through trial and error we lost friends. We over-shared, spilling out intimate details to strangers; we raised our hand too much in class, or didn’t raise our hand at all; we had little impulse control with our speaking, monopolizing conversations and bringing the subject back to ourselves. We aren’t narcissistic and controlling–we know we are not, but we come across that way. We bring the subject back to ourselves because that is how we make sense of our world, that is how we believe we connect. We use our grasp of the world as our foundation, our way of making sense of another. We share our feelings and understandings in order to reach out. We don’t mean to sound ego-centered or over zealous. It’s all we know. We can’t change how we see the world. But we do change what we say. We hold a lot inside. A lot of what we see going on about us, a lot of what our bodies feel, what our minds conjecture. We hold so much inside, as we attempt to communicate correctly. We push back the conversational difficulties we experience, e.g., the concepts of acceptable and accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, stance, posture–push it all back, and try to focus on what someone is saying with all the do’s and don’ts hammering in our mind. We come out of a conversation exhausted, questioning if we “acted” the socially acceptable way, wondering if we have offended, contradicted, hurt, or embarrassed others or ourselves. We learn that people aren’t as open or trusting as we are. That others hold back and filter their thoughts. We learn that our brains are different. We learn to survive means we must pretend.

6) We seek refuge at home or at a safe place. The days we know we don’t have to be anywhere, talk to anyone, answer any calls, or leave the house, are the days we take a deep breath and relax. If one person will be visiting, we perceive the visit as a threat; knowing logically the threat isn’t real, doesn’t relieve a drop of the anxiety. We have feelings of dread about even one event on the calendar. Even something as simple as a self-imposed obligation, such as leaving the house to walk the dog, can cause extreme anxiety. It’s more than going out into society; it’s all the steps that are involved in leaving–all the rules, routines, and norms. Choices can be overwhelming: what to wear, to shower or not, what to eat, what time to be back, how to organize time, how to act outside the house….all these thoughts can pop up. Sensory processing can go into overload; the shirt might be scratchy, the bra pokey, the shoes too tight. Even the steps to getting ready can seem boggled with choices–should I brush my teeth or shower first, should I finish that email, should I call her back now or when I return, should I go at all? Maybe staying home feels better, but by adulthood we know it is socially “healthier” to get out of the house, to interact, to take in fresh air, to exercise, to share. But going out doesn’t feel healthy to us, because it doesn’t feel safe. For those of us that have tried CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), we try to tell ourselves all the “right” words, to convince ourselves our thought patterns are simply wired incorrectly, to reassure ourself we are safe…the problem then becomes this other layer of rules we should apply, that of the cognitive-behavior set of rules. So even the supposed therapeutic self-talk becomes yet another set of hoops to jump through before stepping foot out of the house. To curl up on the couch with a clean pet, a cotton blanket, a warm cup of tea, and a movie or good book may become our refuge. At least for the moment, we can stop the thoughts associated with having to make decisions and having to face the world. A simple task has simple rules.

7) We are sensitive. We are sensitive when we sleep, maybe needing a certain mattress, pillow, and earplugs, and particularly comfortable clothing. Some need long-sleaves, some short. Temperature needs to be just so. No air blowing from the heater vent, no traffic noise, no noise period. We are sensitive even in our dream state, perhaps having intense and colorful dreams, anxiety-ridden dreams, or maybe precognitive dreams. Our sensitivity might expand to being highly-intuitive of others’ feelings, which is a paradox, considering the limitations of our social communication skills. We seek out information in written or verbally spoken form, sometimes over-thinking something someone said and reliving the ways we ought to have responded. We take criticism to heart, not necessarily longing for perfection, but for the opportunity to be understood and accepted. It seems we have inferiority complexes, but with careful analysis, we don’t feel inferior, but rather unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. Definitely misunderstood. At one point or another, we question if in fact we are genetic hybrids, mutations, aliens, or  displaced spirits–as we simply feel like we’ve landed on the wrong planet. We are highly susceptible to outsiders’ view points and opinions. If someone tells us this or that, we may adapt our view of life to this or that, continually in search of the “right” and “correct” way. We may jump from one religious realm to another, in search of the “right” path or may run away from aspects of religion because of all the questions that arise in theorizing. As we grow older, we understand more of how our minds work, which makes living sometimes even more difficult; because now we can step outside ourselves and see what we are doing, know how we our feeling, yet still recognize our limitations.  We work hard and produce a lot in a small amount of time. When others question our works, we may become hurt, as our work we perceive as an extension of ourselves. Isn’t everything an extension of ourselves–at least our perception and illusion of reality? Sometimes we stop sharing our work in hopes of avoiding opinions, criticism, and judgment. We dislike words and events that hurt others and hurt animals. We may have collected insects, saved a fallen bird, or rescued pets. We have a huge compassion for suffering, as we have experienced deep levels of suffering. We are very sensitive to substances, such as foods, caffeine, alcohol, medications, environmental toxins, and perfumes; a little amount of one substance can have extreme effects on our emotional and/or physical state.

8) We are ourselves and we aren’t ourselves. Between imitating others and copying the ways of the world, and trying to be honest, and having no choice but to be “real,” we find ourselves trapped between pretending to be normal and showing all our cards. It’s a difficult state. Sometimes we don’t realize when we are imitating someone else or taking on their interests, or when we are suppressing our true wishes in order to avoid ridicule. We have an odd sense of self. We know we are an individual with unique traits and attributes, with uniques feelings, desires, passions, goals, and interests, but at the same time we recognize we so desperately want to fit in that we might have adapted or conformed many aspects about ourselves. Some of us might reject societal norms and expectations all together, embracing their oddities and individuality, only to find themselves extremely isolated. There is an in between place where an aspie girl can be herself and fit in, but finding that place and staying in that place takes a lot of work and processing. Some of us have a hard time recognizing facial features and memorize people by their clothes, tone of voice and hairstyle. Some of us have a hard time understanding what we physically look like. We might switch our preference in hairstyles, clothes, interests, and hobbies frequently, as we attempt to manage to keep up with our changing sense of self and our place. We can gain the ability to love ourselves, accept ourselves, and be happy with our lives, but this usually takes much inner-work and self-analysis. Part of self-acceptance comes with the recognition that everyone is unique, everyone has challenges, and everyone is struggling to find this invented norm. When we recognize there are no rules, and no guide map to life, we may be able to breathe easier, and finally explore what makes us happy.

9) Feelings and other people’s actions are confusing. Others’ feelings and our own feelings are confusing to the extent there are no set rules to feelings. We think logically, and even though we are (despite what others think) sensitive, compassionate, intuitive, and understanding, many emotions remain illogical and unpredictable. We may expect that by acting a certain way we can achieve a certain result, but in dealing with emotions, we find the intended results don’t manifest. We speak frankly and literally. In our youth, jokes go over our heads; we are the last to laugh, if we laugh at all, and sometimes ourselves the subject of the joke. We are confused when others make fun of us, ostracize us, decide they don’t want to be our friend, shun us, belittle us, trick us, and especially betray us. We may have trouble identifying feelings unless they are extremes. We might have trouble with the emotion of hate and dislike. We may hold grudges and feel pain from a situation years later, but at the same time find it easier to forgive than hold a grudge. We might feel sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt us. Personal feelings of anger, outrage, deep love, fear, giddiness, and anticipation seem to be easier to identify than emotions of joy, satisfaction, calmness, and serenity. Sometimes situations, conversations, or events are perceived as black or white, one way or another, and the middle spectrum is overlooked or misunderstood. A small fight might signal the end of a relationship and collapse of one’s world, where a small compliment might boost us into a state of bliss.

10) We have difficulty with executive functioning. The way we process the world is different. Tasks that others take for granted, can cause us extreme hardship. Learning to drive a car, to tuck in the sheets of a bed, to even round the corner of a hallway, can be troublesome. Our spacial awareness and depth-awareness seems off. Some will never drive on a freeway, never parallel park, and/or never drive. Others will panic following directions while driving. New places offer their own set of challenges. Elevators, turning on and off faucets, unlocking doors, finding our car in a parking lot, (even our keys in our purse), and managing computers, electronic devices, or anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse in us a sense of panic. While we might be grand organizers, as organizing brings us a sense of comfort, the thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something causes distress. Doing the bills, cleaning the house, sorting through school papers, scheduling appointments, keeping track of times on the calendar, and preparing for a party can cause anxiety. Tasks may be avoided. Cleaning may seem insurmountable. Where to begin? How long should I do something? Is this the right way? Are all questions that might come to mind. Sometimes we step outside of ourselves and imagine a stranger entering our home, and question what they would do if they were in our shoes. We reach out to others’ rules of what is right, even in isolation, even to do the simplest of things. Sometimes we reorganize in an attempt to make things right or to make things easier. Only life doesn’t seem to get easier. Some of us are affected in the way we calculate numbers or in reading. We may have dyslexia or other learning disabilities. We may solve problems and sort out situations much differently than most others. We like to categorize in our mind and find patterns, and when ideas don’t fit, we don’t know where to put them. Putting on shoes, zipping or buttoning clothes, carrying or packing groceries, all of these actions can pose trouble. We might leave the house with mismatched socks, our shirt buttoned incorrectly, and our sweater inside out. We find the simple act of going grocery shopping hard: getting dressed, making a list, leaving the house, driving to the store, and choosing objects on the shelves is overwhelming.

This list is based on workshops, videos, literature, personal accounts, and my own experience. Females with Asperger’s Syndrome present themselves very differently than males. This is not an all-encompassing list. It’s not a criteria. It’s limiting and bias-based, as it’s only my view. It is my current truth. I don’t claim to be an expert or professional….but I do know an awful lot about the subject. I hold a Masters Degree in Education, have Aspergers, one of my sons has Aspergers, and I have several graduate-level classes in counseling psychology…I guess I am sort of an expert, after all. ~ Sam Craft

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927 thoughts on “Aspergers Traits (Women, Females, Girls)

      1. Salutations!
        So much information that is self applied it is scary. I relate to the majority of you writings in this blog. My grandson is currently being diagnosed with Autism/Aspergers. While researching his personality traits I came across the many definitions that fit myself but yet not quite. Then I found a blurb that girls and boys present differently. My life written before me. It explains so much. Now upon reading your blog I found myself continually agreeing with most of what you have explained so clearly. Thank you so much for putting this into words. Oh, and I do drive but I scare the eeebie Jeebies out of everyone that rides with me….maybe I should give it up! No way!
        Thank you again for your words.

      2. i have most of the problems u listed im a male im 25 i hate this life because of it i cant fit in anywhere i go i cant even make friends in person. im not happy at all in this life

      3. Great article, I found myself feeling empathetic pains as I read through this. Thank you for sharing and educating on the subject.

      4. This was really interesting. I have one great-grandson diagnosed with autism; another older boy who I am positive has Asperger’s.
        The mother (a granddaughter), of the younger boy showed signs of autism as a child but was never diagnosed as such. As a teen she was diagnosed as bipolar.
        The mother of the older boy, also a granddaughter was also diagnosed as bipolar.
        I have OCD and have always felt different. I am 70 now and saw myself in your writings.
        Can this condition run in families?
        I am searching for answers.

      5. Thank you SO much for sharing!!! I am working my way through a new (unofficial) Dx and this is so helpful for me!

      6. I have trying for a while to reply on here and am not sure i’ve gotten it right yet….but if I did I want to say thank you for your down to earth discription of what aspergers looks like in girls. Everyone always leaves out so much and sounds so much like technical jargon but you as everyone has responded seem to have looked straight into the heart of them and that’s no small thing to those who have long felt that no one would ever be able to see them for the person the they are and long to be. I hope you would allow me to print this off to show my daughters doctor so that we might begin to help her so that she can at some time discover that she need not spend her life trying to look and be like everyone else because the person she is is already fabulous!

    1. OMG, Thankyou :-)
      I am a mum of a very truobled young 13 year old daughter, reading this just sums up who my daughter is. We are under CAMHS and 10 months we are no further forward. I keep saying her severe anxiety and school refusal is because she is aspergic, she has a father and brother who are diagnosed, but they say she doesn’t fit the criteria (after 1 hour talk) to a child that has modelled herself from me!!! I will be printing this out and taking it to her physicians as I don’t think enough people are aware of the differences.

      Once again thankyou,

      Mum with no light at the end of the tunnel x

      1. Thank you for commenting. I am so happy that this blog can help you and your daughter in some way. So many females aren’t being noticed who have aspergers. I would love to know how everything works out. Your daughter is fortunate to have you as her Mum. Best wishes to you. ~ Sam

    2. Beautifully written and explained. Thanks for taking the time to find the words to express in such detail. I’ve only just begun to consider the possibility of Asperger’s explaining much of who I am. I found your blog post searching for information on Asperger’s in women. I look forward to reading more through your blog. Blessings!

    3. Thank you for this article. My niece has Aspergers and she lives a long way away. It is really difficult to understand from a distance. You really crystallized everything for me. You are very honest and I thank you once again for sharing!

    4. So much of this article is so true about me and there were characteristics that are so me that I hadn’t thought would be connected to Aspergers. This article is really insightful. Thank you! :)

    5. This is like reading about my inner world and way of thinking! Thank you! Now I understand why I get exhausted for no apparent reason everyday. And a lot of big questions from my life experiences got loads of logical answers :-)

    6. I’m in tears reading this because I, a 48 year old female have just recently come to terms (been informed) that I have Asperger’s. I am taking my 11 year old daughter for therapy and the therapist (amazing person he is) made me realize that I am the one that has it as well and how (it hasnt been proven it’s genetic thing), but my daughter has it because of me. My life finally makes sense and reading/reseaching more on being an aspie, makes it all more clear. Why I get treated like a child a work, never promoted, friendships that end and it doesnt bother me. My marriage is falling apart and it’s because all my life I have been “expected” to be this person, a wife, mother, nurse but Im at the point where I am going to explode!! trying to be me in this world is hard. I love being alone, select friends or aquantainces, and the whole part of doing what makes me happy which is pretty much, “leave me alone”. I am finishing my bachelors of science in nursing right now and I told my husband we would get counseling but I dont even know that i want to do that. I think I say what people want to hear just to make them go away. Anyway, your post is amazing and I absoltutely take each word to heart and can appreciate what you have shared. Thank you,
      Cindy

      1. Cindy, I have written this elswhere on this sight last year. Please give this stuff consideration. For some reason, your words grabbed me a little. So, please take my notes seriosly and get to it. I have consulted with a professional about all that has happened in my household and results are coming in very positive. In addition, keep your marriage – hug your husband everynight and get back to good toughts about him.

        COGNITIVE CLARITY FIRST then reprogramming can be done. I am a neuro-typical husband. My beautiful wife is an apsie with OCD. I have been able to CORRECT the main cause (this is a neurobiological issue). All of our boys have a piece of the aspie as well. The corrective measures are from the use of supplements (not meds). I did all of the research on my own and made observations for over 2 years now. It has been incredible what the benefits are with the supplements. It has basically fixed the audio processing problem that they all have and some of the over-thinking from intrusive thoughts. They now all have cognitive clarity and are able to work out daily conflicts or misunderstandings. CBT and biofeedback are now affective. And, it is a current and forward working progress. The past, in many cases, will work itself out. This has been easier with the younger boys age 17 and 20. All aspie family members are taking 2 Omega-3 and 4 Nuerolinks from Amen Clinics. They take this dosage 3 times a day and sometimes a “booster” (half dose) late afternoon. Please go to Amen Clinics website and click on the store button and read and read and read. Go get their books. Learn the functions of the brain and how aspie brain wiring tends to be different. The main benefits that my family receives is “brain food”; the omega-3 assist in the general overall health of the brain. It’s like oil for a car engine – just gotta have it, it makes the car or brain run smoothly. The Neurolinks have to roles: the first are the calming affects to areas of the brain that are overactive, it takes away the “noise” and calms it down; then, the other ingredients, amino acids, pick up the activity of the areas of the brain that lag. As one of the Amen clinic doctor’s told me “imagine a person with poor vision who then puts on a pair of prescription glasses for the first time”. Please note that the dosage stated was not taken immediately. We worked on that amount over a couple of months. However, effectiveness was immediate! And, noticeably, with each dose, it takes about 3-5 minutes to get the nutrients to the brain. The next 3-6 months bring remarkable improvements! FYI… if you are not sure what the heck this is all about then please call the clinic and pay for one of their consultants and ask questions! This may not be an answer for all of you, however, I know it works first hand!!! My statement to aspies is to simply know this: today’s science is all about the brain and we no longer just focusing on nourishing the body to be the best athlete or in good health. Also, a side note, we recently started taking one NeuroPS from Amen Clinics twice per day, more brain food. In addition, if this does not phase you or seems expensive then experiment on yourself with foods that may do the same. Example, how do you feel after eating a big piece of salmon (omega-3) and maybe avocado (tryptophan)? Also, another side note – D3 is very affective for Alzheimer’s!!! Mom is taking 3 doses per day of 2000 IU from Bluebonnet Nutrition, another great source of quality supplements. Again, a side note, most psych and medical professionals are way behind in this stuff. Please benefit from this! God Bless!

    7. This is written so well. I’m 53, my son was diagnosed with ASD many years ago. Only recently have I realised that he has inherited this from me and not his dad. Somehow it is comforting to know that there are other ppl out there who understand where I’m coming from, and that it’s OK to do quadratic equations for fun and relaxation. It’s OK to be weird, my brain is just wired differently than NTs.

      1. Hi! I loved reading your article. Aspergers has always been very confusing to me. I wonder if you, or any of the other women with Aspergers can give me some insight. My 15 year old has a crush on an adorable girl with Aspergers and they are going on their first “date” in a couple of days. I think they would be great together. He has a lot of friends, but not a “best friend”, he’s very outgoing, funny, and a little quirky. I haven’t met her, but I have seen her profile on facebook. It looks like she has many friends, and is very talented. Anyway, I am wondering what he should expect on their date. What if it doesn’t work out, will it be harder than an average break up? Any advice about what to expect would be great.

  1. This is a great post. Very insightful and very in depth. Thank you for posting it, it’s wonderful to read and learn a bit more about it. I have two younger cousins with varying degrees of Aspergers and Autism, so this definitely helps me understand them a little better when I see them.

    1. Well, thank you very much! I know, isn’t it creepy. Whenever I read something an “Aspie” has written about her/his experience, I feel like they crept into my house, or my mind. You are welcome. : )

      1. Oh I’m sorry to hear that, I’ll keep praying for you all. :(
        I hope you don’t mind but I have just written a post and I am going to link it up with this post.
        I have quoted a part of what you wrote here that really helped me to understand something about myself today.
        Love and hugs.
        Lisa. xx :)

      2. Yep…that is because I’m so very slow at editing. :)
        I write them so fast but then have panic attacks about my spelling.
        I have linked up so you should get a ping.
        I will add the link here if you don’t.

  2. Oh so familiar… well, except for the spatial perception, which I am quite good at. Then again I am often ‘like a guy’ in my interactions and skills. I have the machine fascination too. But oh so much of this was straight-up my life. The part about looking for other people’s experiences to know how or what to do….

    1. You’re the second person who commented about not having the spatial perception challenges. I’m thinking some with ASD have dyspraxia (like me) and some do not. Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate the connection with others.

    1. Hello, i really like your blog…. trying my best to understand my beautiful, talented, intelligent daughter, and put myself back into those shoes!!! Yours has been the best blog i have found!!! She is 15 and
      i have said to her her whole life…. If only everyone could see what i see…xxxx

  3. I am so overwhelmed that I am not sure how to comment other than thank you. Thank you for expressing words that I have not been able to and for helping me put words to things I have experienced, but didn’t know how to say.

    1. Thank you for connecting. It helps me tremendously to know someone else “gets it.” I started this blog because I know it is time to put more words to “our” experience — other than the typical definitions out there, that do not go to the core of the person. It touches me that this helped you. Thanks.

      1. LOL – I know the feeling. There’s a few people I’d like to hand the list to, myself. If you truly need to print the list for yourself, go for it. If you want to share with others, I ask that you please put my wordpress blog address on the top of the page and my legal name; and I can private email you my real name. I’m glad you could connect. : )

    1. When people identify with the traits, I always feel less alone, and continually surprised that other people have the same brain as me (or I have the same as them). Maybe we are all from a different planet!

      1. Thank you for sharing I was initially reading this out of curiosity, I’ve always related to Aspergers because my son has it. I have always felt there was a genetic contributor and I was it. After reading your page I know I am. The part the struck so close to home was how I stress on any kind of change, someone coming over. I can tell you time has taken those and softened the blow a bit. Again, thank you.

      2. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I have been so confused about myself for a long time, ever since I can remember. I am a girl teenager. have always thought I was different from others, especially my age group. no one has been friends with me, but only a few. the world just has been confusing, and thanks so much for clearing it up. I am 100% relatable with these traits and I finally understand myself now. again thank you so much, and please answer back. (if you want to). :) xoxoxoxoxoxo.

  4. This describes me very well at all [sic], with a few differences (male, Asian, under-20):

    #1 – I’m far more philosophical now than years ago, but I’m not always serious about everything. A multi-focused perspective is the best analysis.

    #2 – What I find easiest to und…erstand, but hardest to deal with, is the very nature of conflict and why people who were once friends lash out against one another.

    #3 – Very true for me – from my observations, males generally prefer to escape a situation and females prefer to stay in such a situation – or at least this is the result, but possibly oversimplified. Negative peer pressure is far more easy to resist than before.

    #4 – I always hold my chopsticks “incorrectly”. Also have symptoms of bipolar and some number-associated OCD.

    #5 – Either I thought I told too much or found it infinitely easier to share my topic areas of interest than my feelings, probably because it was hard to connect. Perhaps others filter/hold back thoughts far LESS than I do. Thus this one is less true in general now than in the past according to empirical data.

    #6 – The Chinese definition for autism is literally, roughly “self-enclosing/limiting syndrome” ie. the subject locks himself inside. I’m no longer as scared of breaking the norm, so this aspect is becoming less true. Choices are hardest during a “depressive episode”. I’ve long struggled not knowing what to do first, what to do second…this is even more true for longer-term projects, causing me not to do anything at all! Yet I’ve found ways to overcome this barrier, for example doing something first that will aid communication between me and somebody else, so I can find a way to know how to get started – make sense? Being distracted often means I end up doing something else later, and my attention span varies greatly over time. Yet I find non-sensory data, ie. facts and figures easy to fit together, as in a logic puzzle that is interconnected. Being self-therapeutic sometimes helps, but I know the necessary step is actually to go beyond that, to go BEYOND being self-conscious.

    #7 – This one is only very slightly true, and I’ve needed to find an internal strength to overcome these, to me, superficial distractions. I have compassion for people as well as animals; whereas previously I’d try to help, but not know how, or help in the “wrong” way, or put others before myself nowadays I’m getting used to helping people without depriving myself. The only time this comes back is during deep depression; alcohol is social, but rarely.

    #8 – Especially in the past and recent past, this has actually been VERY true – being torn between two opposite extremes, sometimes even between two parents, though thankfully it never got that bad. Another example is being torn between whether to focus on my academic studies or on trying to have a social life – both of these are hindered by depressive episodes, and lack of communication associated thereof. Recently, I’ve started calling this a false dichotomy, and began to find my own way to deal with these.

    #9 – Somewhat true, though I might add; other people’s feelings and MY actions are confusing. My speech is sometimes literal, sometimes flowery and poetical, sometimes drawled out in a backstreet south Texas accent, y’all. I sometimes associate my feelings with neurochemicals, for example: my melatonin is low today, my dopamine is greatly fluctuating, my cortisol is increasing, my serotonin is low, my blood pressure is off the charts. These may or may not be actually true, but I practice metacognition – thinking about thinking – whether I like it or not. Of course, I can’t be thinking about thinking about all the time, or I’d stop in my tracks, and just forget it. A small fight signifies the breaking of silent dawn.

    #10 – I use to love a step-by-step approach, but things like riding a bike (not mentioned) I think rely on fine motor coordination but overall a hollistic, rather than parts-based, approach to action. That’s why it was very difficult to learn to ride a bike, but now I can ride without thinking. It’s the same with things like playing the piano; I took lessons at five, forgot how to play, but two years ago I picked back up on it and now can play blindfolded. I learn very fast, but am frequently clumsy. Certain states of mind drasticall decrease my ability to move my hands, for example fixing a small delicate thing, which at least I think I used to be very good at. I also lack common sense.

    OK, that was quite a read. Perhaps I’ve overwritten myself and that was overwhelming to whoever is reading this, but understand that I’m able to detach myself from my experience, and write about myself in third-person. I’ve experienced “depersonalization”, but maybe I’ll get to that later. (I should be doing homework)See more
    22 hours ago · LikeUnlike.

    1. Thank you for posting. I think your viewpoints and experience will help other people. I’ll have to go back and reflect more on what you wrote at a later date. Heading out the door. But #6 is very interesting. Thanks again.

      1. I will; thank you, and thanks for the wonderful writings! It’s all in my head, but I’m not able to articulate it as you do!

    2. I didn’t think it could get better than the original post and then this too … it’s like looking in a mirror. I’m a 27 year old woman. Damn I can’t believe this.

    1. She’s not only not alone, but she’s born in a time period where more and more support and research are available. And she has the potential for a very good life with her aptitude. And she has a parent/caregiver who loves her enough to being searching on blogs. Cheers to you. And thanks for stopping by.

      1. I just came across your website. I have thought for some time now I must have Aspergers, as well as my 9 year old son who has been diagnosed with add and with no doubt my Mother who passed away many years ago and had 8 children. I have been telling my 2 grown children for years there is something wrong with me but have been afraid to seek help not knowing whats wrong with me and being the sole custodian of my son. I live in houston, i don’t have insurance and finances for me, but my finances to care for my son is 100%. Do you know any doctor / help in Houston area who specializes in Aspergers that could help us?

      2. Hi Tammy – I recommend that you contact Amen Clinics and either consult with them directly or ask for a referral list in the Houston area or do both. I have had very good results with their supplements and their counseling. 1-949-266-3700. http://www.amenclinics.com. you may be quite surprised what supplements can do, however, there is a small learnig curve. You will do great. Mark

  5. I have a daughter with Aspergers and she has a lot of sensory issues as well. As I’m reading your list, I’m finding that I have so many of these same traits. Crazy. I never even thought I had Aspergers because I’m pretty normal looking from the outside. I struggled socially in school, but I got A’s and B’s, except in Math which I got C’s in. People have told me I’m a nervous nelly because I “catastrophize” pretty much every social event I have to go to. I take an event and think what the worst case scenario will be — the worst outcome. I guess I don’t see myself as bad off as my 13 year old because she will not look anyone in the eye or initiate a conversation where I guess I have learned those things. My problem is not dealing well with conflict. Simple arguments turn into friendships that have ended. But on the outside, I look so normal. I don’t have weird ticks or any of the major sensory stuff most Aspergers have. But I also have no friends. I’m a loner and I like it that way. I would much rather be with animals than people, except cats because they make me sick. Anyway, not sure what to do with this info since I’m now 34. What good would an Asperger diagnosis be for me ;). Interesting though!

    1. I can relate to almost everything you typed. In regards to “What good would an Asperger diagnosis be for me,” I can only speak for myself. I didn’t particularly need an official diagnosis, but just recognizing the traits, and knowing I do have Aspergers, has helped me to cope tremendously better. I’m understanding my brain, thoughts, emotions, and motivations/lack of motivations more. Thanks for stopping by, and for the comment.

      1. Thank you, Wendy. I will try my best to keep sharing this journey. I rely on my readers equally to keep me going in many ways. You are welcome. I appreciate your kindness. Love, Sam ;)

  6. This is ALL true for me. In list form:
    – I have my own room in my dorm at college (I am here now), but it is NOT a safe space like home is.
    – I once held an 8-year grudge.
    – I can’t drive, ride a bike, or talk to strangers on the phone (that means I need to make my friends order pizza for me). I have severe driving anxiety due to being sent to 3 years of OT (against my will) as a girl and refusing to let my OT teach me how to ride a bike. I am still uncomfortable being around OT equipment and facilities.
    – I have a writing disability and was originally sent to OT for holding my pencil “wrong”. I despised OT because there were few to no other girls there, and the boys obviously had cooties (I was around 9 at the time). Also I didn’t like being given help against my will.
    – I am gifted in reading and math, except for geometry because it was too visual-spatial for me. None of the adults seemed to understand that me being good at math didn’t mean I really enjoyed it.
    – I really hate hearing about animals that are put down because the shelters are too full because I can’t save them.

    1. I always like to hear that the descriptions make sense to people. I can’t say enough how wonderful it feels to be understood and to find like-minded people. I could relate to everything you posted. Amazing how it’s ALL true for you. My son and I still hold our pencils wrong—-as if there is a “right” way. LOL. Thanks so much for your great input. Look forward to connecting again. ~ Sam

  7. Wow. You have totally nailed this as far as my teenage aspie daughter. I will be sharing with many who know here. Thank you so much!

    1. You are very welcome. It was amazing how it all flowed out of me. I’m certain it was meant to help others. Keep in touch. Let me know how things are going. I just added a facebook community page. Thanks for the comment.

  8. Reading your post was so enlightening to me. There are some things that hit the nail right on the head..for ME.
    *I have had the feeling of disconnect many times. It’s this feeling of having an out-of-body experience.
    *Too often I’ve berated myself for handling a conversation the wrong way because I (a) didn’t make enough eye contact (I have to force myself to keep that part up because I am just not comfortable with it…I feel like I’m staring.), (b) talked too much..esp about myself, the list goes on…
    *As a child I was “dramatic”, clumsy, sensitive, a loner… My bedroom was a DISASTER as a teen. Somehow I was comfortable in the chaos. Even now, visual clutter makes me crazy and yet the surfaces never seem to stay clear for very long.
    *My reading levels were WAY above grade level but Math posed a big problem once I enter middle/high school.

    My nearly 8yo son is recently dx’d PDD-NOS w/Aspie probability and he has a previous Dx of SPD. I’m waiting for an eval on my 5yo daughter because something is “off” but I’m not sure exactly what. Someday maybe I’ll get my own eval done to finally find out what’s really been my deal all these years.

    By the way did I mention I can go off on tangents? LOL Thanks so much for this post. It was really helpful. I will be passing it on to my husband and sharing on FB. :)

    1. I can relate to the disconnect. Sometimes I feel like I’m inside a vehicle watching from the inside. I was sooo dramatic!!! Clumsy, for sure. I was an early reader, as well. You are welcome, for the post. I’m glad you found the words helpful. And thanks so much for stopping by. I enjoyed getting to know a little about you.

  9. Thank you for this! I can recognise so much of myself in some of the points you have made and you have definitely made me feel so much better about what goes on inside my head! Thank you =D

  10. So many years spent lost and alone. Getting blank stares or uncomfortable laughter from other women when trying to find out if they felt like me. It’s not each of the aspects alone but a combination of them all that makes Aspie life a rite of passage. I wish I had this information when I was younger. Thank you.

  11. Hi. I was wondering if you have insights into Aspergers and motherhood? My experience was one of complete alienation. I had my child at 36 (later than many women). There was no maternal instinct. I didn’t dislike my baby, I just felt totally ill equipped to care for her. If it hadn’t been for an innate sense of justice and responsibility, I think I would have left her with my husband, packed my bags and left right there and then. She’s older now and I would give my life for her. At the time, though, none of the maternal emotions I expected automatically happened. It was very tough. Any other Aspie moms out there who want to share?

    1. Fantastic question. I’m going to let the inquiry fester, while I think about how Aspergers has affected my parenting, and will attempt to do a blog on the subject this week. I sometimes post questions/comments about Aspergers on some different facebook cites; I don’t know if you belong to any, but typically there is much support and understanding there. If you look on top of my blog at the pages there is an article about my early years of parenting, but not as they relate to Aspergers. Let me sit on this and see what hatches. I’ll try my best to answer soon. Thanks for the comment. ~ Sam

      1. I didn’t feel anything for my daughter for a week or so; she was a separate person that I was meeting, and I’m not terribly comfortable with meeting people and letting them get close. But as soon as we got to know each other, she became my world and is to this day.

  12. PHENOMENAL!! I’m the mom of a 12 y/o precious and amazing daughter with Asperger’s. This is SPOT ON!! I feel VERY fortunate to have found your site!!

    1. I’m so glad you found this site! I am writing in hopes of understanding myself better and helping others understand their loved ones with Aspergers. Sometimes I have doubts about keeping this blog, but comments like yours keep me going forward. I will hopefully be including some more posts about parenting, too. I’m writing whatever pops in my head, at the moment, as I’m still processing my own diagnosis. As the newness of it all tapers down, I envision my posts should be more focused. I look forward to hearing more about your journey. Nice to hear the description is Spot on. Funny, how I wrote the traits list in one quick sitting, not having any idea so many people would relate. I am very thankful the list is making sense to people. And feel so blessed to be helping in someway. My son is 13 with Aspergers. ~ Sam

  13. Thank you for your writing! You put into words what so many of my SLP children struggle to – and yet it’s so helpful to hear the insights beyond a “textbook” definition. Thank you!
    ~ Hillary

    1. Thank you, Hilary. I am hoping to reach as many people working with children as possible. Your comment is a delight to read. Thank you for taking the time to read the words and make a comment. Yes, beyond the “textbook” definition. Love ~ Sam

  14. Oh. My. Goodness. When I read this it feels like you have had a secret camera filming me since the moment of my birth. Scary.

  15. I am astounded by this. I do not have an official dx but I have “known” about my Aspergers since I started researching it after a relative was diagnosed. I have never, ever come across such an accurate description of myself, my mouth was literally open reading it. Thank you so much for this post. I’m going to use to help my partner and family get a better idea of “me”.

    I thought I was alone in not being able to relate to what I look like!!!

    1. You took the words out of my head. My son is 18 now, diagnosed at 9. I have always suspected a genetic link, but thought it was through his father (absent my son’s entire life) but now I suspect it is me. I read parts of this to my husband & he asked if it was something I wrote!

      Thanks so much for helping me realize I’m not crazy…or alone!

  16. very informative….as I was just recently diagnosed AS over the past few months….and most everything you say describes me.

    you say: “Females with Asperger’s Syndrome present themselves very differently than males.”

    How so?

    thanks! (i’ll be sure to bookmark your page here…and look forward to reading more!)

    1. Thanks Ron. I have a son with Aspergers — so when I compare how he appears to others, to how I do (and did) appear to others, that’s where there is a huge difference in presentation. Boys (Men) are less likely to be actors, and might stick out more. Males will have habits/fixations/obsessions that might be more obvious, where girls’ (reading, poetry, writing) might not be detected as a fixation. It’s the word “presentation” that is the main difference. Males are easier to see, “catch” if you will; whereas females are more likely to try to “fix” themselves and be unnoticed. I could go on and on. But I think you probably understand. Thanks for giving me the honor of a “bookmark.” Look forward to hearing more about your journey.
      ~ Sam :)

  17. I read this with great interest and identified with almost all of it – and I am a 62 year old male!
    It makes me think that there is not a great difference in how males and females think, maybe more a question of degree?

    This is a wonderful piece and deserves to be widely available to all on Aspies.

    Thank you.

    1. Thank you, kindly. I feel this prose was written to most certainly be shared; though, at the time, I did not realize so many would identify with my experience. I am so thankful to hear when others understand. I am glad that the piece resonates with males as well. Thank you very much for taking the time to read the words and commenting. I believe there is not a big difference in how males and females think, pertaining to Aspergers. Take Care ~ Sam :)

  18. I am so glad that I read your post. You’ve managed to write what I’ve been saying to people for some time now. I was just trying to convey this same message to a psychologist a few days ago. Unfortunately this psychologist knows next to nothing about Asperger’s. She was trying to convince me that my ability to anylize myself or present a certain level of intelligence or even my ability to remember very early events from my childhood is what she considers non-aspie like. The fact that I have friends or can hold down a job was surprising to her. She had the nerve to tell me that Aspies were not able to maintain relationships for long periods of time and that we could not possibly get good jobs and maintain them. I am outraged by how ignorant she and the rest of these professionals are. Let me stop myself before this turn into a major rant.

    Reading your post today was a confirmation for me that once again “I am not crazy” and neither are the rest of us. I am fully aware of myself and how my surroundings effect me and that’s a good thing. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us and helping us to see ourselves better. It feels so good to be in the presence of like minds:-)

    1. Your comment is going to make me cry! It’s the same story over and over again with people being overlooked and/or questioned for their self-observations and concerns. I am so sorry you had to go through that. You are very welcome. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I hope that women with Aspergers (and men) can establish a stronger, united voice. I am tired of living in private suffering and hearing about how so many others are suffering in isolation. I, too, am outraged for you, and could have easily listened to you write more. I hope we can keep in touch. Things will change, when enough of us demand to be seen and heard. Much love and hope ~ Sam :) (I have an Aspergers group on Facebook. Let me know if you want the link.)

      1. Thank you so much, Sam for your heartfelt words and compassion. My eyes welled up as I read your comment. I did not know it was this bad out there. It is absolutely horrible what these drs. are taking so many of us through. My hope is that I may endure this situation so I may have the opportunity to teach these drs a little something. At least for now I know I have their attention. It’s time they step out of the box into the real aspie world. It’s time they know that we are not bound by a dx and certainly not by the dsm criteria.

        I would love to stay in touch and join your fb group. Please send me the link. If you would like to know more, please visit my new blog. I’m not the best writer by far, but I am trying to share my story. I have not written in awhile. Right now, I’m dealing with these drs. while feeling a push to talk more about my past, which is difficult at best. Trying to figure out how to manage all of this and beable to find a way to put it all in writing. Thank goodness for my son, also on the spectrum. He’s been a huge help and an inspiration.

      2. http://www.facebook.com/groups/261412237267413/

        Its called: Everyday Aspergers.
        It’s under groups.Login to Facebook first. Copy and paste this link. Look forward to seeing you there. It is a small wonderful group of people. I will take a look at your blog. Please post a link of the blog on the Facebook page. Feel free also to friend “Sam Craft” when you are at the group page. She’s my blogging identity. ;)
        I feel the same way about my son. Hugs to you. Great to connect.

  19. So true…. Every damn word…. Beautifully written, thank you for this. I will share this with everyone who just doesn’t understand me. This describes me completely.

  20. Thanks for commenting on my blog; I’m enjoying reading the wealth of posts you have here!

    This post is really well written. Every one of these points describes me so well, except that I am male. Was I born with a female Aspie’s temperament, for reasons unknown? It puzzles me.

    I definitely feel the tension between fitting in and being myself, the oversensitivity to others’ feelings, the over-scrupulous honesty, the desire to escape and hide at home. Your post expresses all these things really well.

    1. You are welcome. Under comments, on this post, you can find that other males have expressed that the list describes some of their experiences. Thank you for reading and commenting. I hope the post helped in some way. ~ Sam :)

  21. HI, Samantha.
    This is wonderful. I have two sons with Aspergers and after reading this I am beginning to wonder about my daughter. (And even me to an extent, I had a hard time most of my life with female relationships and have found men easier to get on with. I always felt ‘outside’ a group of females, and didn’t get the dynamics of the group at all.) My daughter has had a very hard time and is now out of school after bullying and, I am very sad to say, self- harming. She is under counseling and it is a very slow process. I think I will talk to her psychiatrist about this. Anyway! Enough of me rambling on, I shared on facebook and this is what I said, i hope it is okay. I try not to preach but I do like to share important links, and then I always say a bit about A S D.
    “This is so interesting and educational, inspiring and well written. i never really knew anything much about females with Asperger’s before this, just boys and teen males. I know all of us could have some of these traits, or a little touch of all them, but if you live with all or most of this at a high level it is far more difficult than what most of us go through with social relationships, general functioning day to day, etc. Asperger’s is a disability but that doesn’t mean we need to change the person, it means we need to widen our acceptance and understanding, educate and just consider that ‘weird’ girl with the ‘eccentricities’ might just be autistic. Auties are not all like Rainman! It is up to the NTs (Neuro Typicals) to make it so it is no longer disabling to be wired in your brain this way, if you understand! this is not directed at anyone, just chatting! WIRED not WEIRD!”
    I find it hard to explain about how it is disabling but it is not a ‘mistake’ or ‘error’ or something that needs to be fixed, but I never know if I get it right! I hope your link helps some of my friends understand just that little bit more. I am now following this blog and I look forward to reading more.
    Kelly

    1. Hi Kelly,
      I am glad that we are in touch and to know a little about your story. Two boys with Aspergers, a girl with her own challenges (perhaps Aspie), and you having some (or many) traits—wow, that’s a lot. I applaud you for researching and trying to understand the syndrome more. I hope and pray you will be able to help your daughter more and more. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel in seeing your daughter hurt herself. I am so sorry.

      I know, for me, writing helps so very much. I couldn’t journal very well. I would get bored, and found the process a waste of time. But making the writing a form of expression/art has helped me better than anything else I have found.

      I wonder if your daughter would like art therapy or art expression? Also, I take Gabba to calm my thoughts and sometimes melatonin; and many people with Aspergers do. I have seen on various chat rooms that anti-depressants (particularly Prozac) can make thoughts more rapid. I’m telling you all this so that you might research further.

      * I am not in the medical field and this isn’t advice. Please always contact a professional.*
      :) With that said, there are many groups on Facebook where you can pose a question and other people will write about their experience. I hope I didn’t overstep, but felt drawn to help in someway. If you want me to delete any of this, let me know. So happy you are following the blog, and look forward to hearing how things are going. Your quote, that you posted on your Facebook page is fabulous! I hope people will realize your challenges and you will feel more understood. It brings me joy to know something I wrote can help others.

      Thank you for sharing the link. ~ Much love, Sam :)

  22. Hi Sam,

    Your reply is absolutely fine, no deleting needed! Very caring and thoughtful, thank you :-) I have to add something, just so you know the full picture, (I don’t often talk about this as I want to be just ‘me’ but sometimes, if I feel it is important, I will share it) I am also disabled with a chronic neurological condition called RSD, so I happen to take gaba for that. And we think hubby is Aspie too! We just had a chat and I explained some of this and we have figured why, when something happens which is upsetting to one of us, we argue sometimes. I want to delve in and take it to pieces, look at every angle and explain every little feeling, he wants to walk away and be quiet. Then we giggled because i could NOT stop talking about it all, he said I do that a lot, like a lecture, I said well okay, sometimes you let me do it and sometimes I will just go and write it all down or something. And we discussed the other part and thought maybe if we feel an argument coming, I can have say 15 minutes to talk, then a quiet time then we talk again. These changes are thanks to your blog! So you deserve a big ‘Well Done”!

    You know, it sounds all doom and gloom, but it isn’t! All this has made for three very compassionate, mature, caring children. they are truly wonderful.

    It is quite fitting what you said about using art as expression, for our daughter, although in her case it is music. She is a gifted guitarist and song writer. We had no idea until we bought a guitar last Easter. 7 weeks later, she had a song on you tube about the bullying. She just learned by ear, absolutely natural talent. Now she is recording an EP with a promo agent who saw her video and loved her! She also is a gifted artist and a wonderful writer, but she keeps much of her writing to herself. I will ask her later if I can link to her song. It has been and is very painful indeed, seeing what she has gone through. Thank you for what you said, those kind words there, it does help me when someone says something so thoughtful.

    My eldest has had melatonin off and on his whole life. It has now been withdrawn totally here in the UK. Luckily I have some in date left over, it does help him sleep. No one can tell me why it has been withdrawn!

    i have a feeling we will talk more, Sam :-) Please tell me if I go on too long though! I do ramble on sometimes.
    Wishes for a happy day to you all :)
    Kelly

    1. :) Thank you. Talk as much as you want. There is a facebook link atop the page where we can “talk” in more private, if you wish. Thank you for giving me a larger picture of your family. A joy to read. A pleasure to know you. Sounds like me and my hubby! Congrats to your talented daughter. ~ Sam :)

  23. Hi everyone,

    This is very cool, I have had 4 people share this link today so your information is getting around! One of those people rarely does anything on facebook, only very special things get him sharing or commenting! Well done, Sam, word is getting around everywhere!

    kelly

    1. Cool Beans! Thanks for letting me know that Kelly. I am so happy I wrote the list. I did it for myself, not knowing it would help others. I see today it’s floating around Ireland. Amazing, technology is! Glad to be able to help others. That’s my reason for living. Thanks so much. :) ~ Sam

  24. This did help me understand more about my 27 year old daughter with aspergers. She is in college now but only wants to take history because that is what is interesting to her. You can not reason with her about anything. She gets so upset , and then she is just mean to everyone. She wants to learn to play something musical, will this help her stay more calm? She is now doing the deep breathing but does not seem to help her. I just want to understand her more when she reaches this boiling fit throwing point.

    1. Hi Betty, I don’t know your daughter, so I cannot say if musical instruments will help her. It would depend on many factors, such as, how easily she can learn to read the music, how easily she can learn the instrument, her motivation-level, her teacher, and her passion. For me, writing calms me, and silence with alone time; also movies at home. Deep breathing doesn’t generally help me. I go to massage, acupuncture, and use other techniques and supplements/vitamins. I admire you for searching for answers and researching. Good luck on your journey. ~ Sam :)

    2. Your comment troubles me. Is there some reason that your daughter is wrong to take classes which are interesting to her? It’s one thing if she’s missing classes that she needs in order to obtain her degree, but you can’t fit a round peg into a square hole. If you’re worried about how she will make a living, maybe you could google around and find some history buffs and see how some of them manage, or have her speak with a career advisor, or anything really–don’t just assume she’s doomed. Being able to think outside the box is what enables people to succeed in life, and if you’re better at that than she is, you could be a huge help to her. If you couch it in terms of “this is how you can take your interest and make a living with it”, in a non-judgmental way, maybe she’ll be more inclined to listen. It’ll be weird if she is one of those Aspies who doesn’t like to have too many choices, but maybe you could tackle one or two possibilities at a time together. I dunno, anything’s got to work better than digging in the heels.

  25. This is pure brilliance, I appreciate your input and work, my daughters world makes so much more sense after reading this, and whilst she is different to her brothers level of autism, she is differently different is exactly these ways.

  26. This is beautifully done! Very clear, very concise and gives a good description of many of the possible traits. I see my ASD partner in so much of what you have written, though, like others have mentioned, she’s actually got super-good hand-eye coordination and mechanical skills, almost uncannily so. All these traits were things we knew about her long before her diagnosis (at age 50) and I thank you for putting this out there. Hopefully it will help many younger women with ASD become more comfortable and familiar with their particular characteristics, knowing that they are shared with many others!

  27. Wow, this describes my 11 yr old Aspie daughter perfectly, and I am grateful I can print this to show her. She is having a tremendously hard time lately, and there seem to be no Aspie girls for her to relate to in our area. She has no friends, which I can’t understand as she is a really interesting person! She likes to knit, meditate, compose piano and violin music, perform in theater groups, etc. I love her so much and want her to be happy. Thank you for this.

    1. My son is 13 with Aspergers and he is brilliant. Your daughter sounds very talented and interesting. She is blessed to have a supportive mom. I too hope she finds friends. I’m glad you found some help in the list of traits. I wrote it for myself, and had no idea so many would relate. Thank you for the comment and for stopping by. You are very welcome. Wishing you and your daughter much happiness. Feel free to join our facebook group. The link is at the top of the blog.

  28. All I can say is…. * * * * * wow * * * * * I feel sure that I’ve found the missing component of so much of who I am, who I’ve been, and what has greatly affected the at times harrowing journey I’ve taken. I have led a primarily uncomfortable life, and I’ve struggled to achieve those things that seem so easy for some, and so out-of-my-reach: acquiring a spouse, making a secure living, and relaxing into each day as it comes.

    Most everything you discuss in your post is a bulls–eye into my heart; one exception would be my mechanical and spatial relations abilities. In fine motor control and 3D imagination I’ve excelled; however I’ve always been incredibly clumsy–just yesterday, after successfully teaching a guitar lesson, I stood up from my seat and managed to stick the headstock of my guitar into a revolving ceiling fan (it happens so frequently that there are chop marks on the guitar neck!). Another exception may be that I’ve had huge separation anxiety all my life ~ and perhaps that’s not much of an Asperger’s symptom. I think I’ve mimicked too well the behaviors of those to whom I’m attached, to the point that I felt I truly lost (or couldn’t value) my true nature, and perhaps that helps to explain my separation anxiety, I’m not sure.

    I’ve always struggled to make a living, and it’s been mostly art and music, and the teaching of these, that have–barely–supported me. Everything about getting and working a job demands a painful decision, including what I must wear, and especially how much interaction with others will be necessary. I change my clothes sometimes 5 times a day when I need to go out, and this causes perpetual lateness, which escalates the anxiety. I procrastinate for days about making simple phone calls, and never answer it when it rings, much preferring to listen to messages and then call back. I am happiest being self-employed, as I am now. I do best with people one-on-one; any more, and I’m completely overwhelmed.

    Attending school for me as a child was so difficult that my body rebelled and I had acute intestinal distress most mornings. That continues to be my body’s way of drawing a boundary for me when I’m unable to consciously judge a situation or person (my body also attacks me with migraines, I believe, for the same reason). I had very few friends as a child, and although I actively search still, and do that thing of asking potential friends if they’d like to do lunch together, it’s still very difficult to find someone that really wants me as I am. Most of my long-time women friends want to fix my idiosyncratic ways. I do that pretending thing so well, I secretly call myself Chameleon Woman. I’ve worked hard to stay attached to a church so as to have a sense of belonging to a community, however, I can never seem to face the crowd that shows up Sunday mornings, and when I’m there it’s definitely that sense of being a fishbowl staring out at the giants, and wondering at their lives. Invariably I duck out early, nearly running through the lot to my car, and despite my chronic loneliness, the acute pain of trying to fit into that (or any) crowd makes me flee every time.

    It seems from reading this article and the many excellent posts here that it’s not uncommon for a female Aspie to find that special mate and settle down. How I envy you! I have other elements that have affected my ability to choose wisely, including childhood violent sexual abuse, the fact that I’m a daughter of an alcoholic (my dad), and ADD. Even so, those that know me well roll their eyes at the various nincompoops I’ve grabbed onto and married, and the line I’ve heard the most was, “You’re way smarter than that!” Even my adult son has pointed this out to me. It’s difficult to explain that choosing a spouse for me could not be resolved by intelligence. When I dig deep into my soul, when I review and recall having made those choices of husbands, I’ve continued to draw a huge blank as to how in the world I believed on each wedding day that it would or could actually work.

    I’ve been single now for several years and it’s been actually a wonderful, challenging, and at times scary time of truly getting to know myself. I’ve become an avid archaeologist digging through my own midden pile, and continue to find fragments of my truth each time I sift. Self employment for me means I have limited access to healthcare, and I’ve seldom been able to afford to see mental health people. Hence I am forever Gretel searching for the breadcrumb trail that would lead me back home to a place of self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love.

    I’m a closet writer who is preparing to put my stuff out there; I’ve been working for years on trying to put into words the story of my life. It’s been messy, including withstanding abuse from spouses, and a trail of 5 divorces. Some family members openly mock the joke of my life, and I want to speak up so that others like me will not feel so alone. I’ve not finished writing it because I realized I was waiting for a deeper understanding, needing to yet discover the missing link.

    And here you are, and I believe I have discovered my Aspie Sisters. I became very aware of Asperger’s Syndrome as well as the Autism Spectrum because my seven year old grandson has been tested, and his diagnosis is high-functioning autistic. He’s my perfect fella, and he has excellent parents and teachers, and we wouldn’t want to ever change one speck of him! I’ve focused mostly on the descriptions for males just because he’s a boy, and in doing so, I missed for a long time the posts, blogs, descriptions and explanations of how female Aspies are. And then only recently did I begin to read these, contemplate them, and draw some new conclusions.

    I apologize for the length of this post. If you’ve read through it, I thank you. I am interested in your reflections, comments and opinions. Thank you for being here! Thanks for boldly stating your truths. Today I don’t feel alone at all. Today I feel embraced.

    1. Annie ~ Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. You are a gifted writer. I can relate to most of what you have written. I have anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and had extreme separation anxiety before I was married. Your story about the fan and guitar made me smile. It is very common for people with Aspergers to struggle to make a living and hold down a job. I procrastinate for weeks about simple phone calls and avoid the phone. I’m not late, only because I obsess about time, and promised myself as a child never to be late. I had the opposite problem: being early to everything my whole life. Never once late until I let up, breathed, and allowed myself to be 5 minutes late a few years ago. I am happiest at home not working in public. I’ve had intestinal distress since birth. Magnesium has helped. Stress-induced most definitely. I’ve called myself a chameleon many times. Same feelings around church, as you.

      Many women with Aspergers do not find a beneficial mate, or it takes a lot of work. I turned finding a husband into a project. I read obsessively about relationships, made lists, made dream boards, and put a personal advertisement out before people even knew what those were. Then I interviewed men. I’ll have to write a post about that sometime. I went through my fair share of trolls! Believe me. And my husband is not perfect. None of us are. I actually had mom’s of my boyfriends say: Why are you with my son? You can do so much better! lol

      You are on the right path. We each find our way to self-acceptance in our own time, no time is right or wrong, and all is exactly as it should be. Trust in that. Releasing shame and forgiving yourself and others is beneficial. I went through three to four years of writing to find self-love. You will find your way too.

      My thought would be to write out the anger, fear, and pain, and then share the love, growth, and wisdom to others.

      You have discovered your Aspie Sisters. Please consider joining our facebook page. If you try, and I don’t add you, friend me. I have to be able to see people’s facebook pages in detail before adding someone, as we’ve had challenges with unkind statements in the past.

      I am happy for your grandson; he sounds like he is in good hands. No need to apologize. I am so thankful that you shared and that you feel less alone. You are embraced and accepted as you in completeness.

      Bless you ~ Sam

  29. Hello, I’m not sure what to say, I’ll probably just ramble but I’ll try not to say too much! I read this and its me, there are a few exceptions but they are replaced with ‘other things’ I have good spacial awareness, I’m an artist I’m good at making & being super precise but yet I can be super clumsy but its often because I can live in my head so I bump into things and fall. I’m the mother of an 11 year daughter who is autistic, I was telling doctors from the age of 3 she was autistic, they weren’t having any of it as she was ‘too smiley and sociable’ then when she was 4 they turned round and said ‘actually you are right she is autistic!’ So my sister who is a little younger than me and has had ‘issues’ since she was 10 has been told she does not have aspeger because she only has 2 of the traits she is too good at ‘reading’ people and can read facial expressions, even though she can only do ‘social stuff’ for small spurts as it wears her out. So instead she has not on but 2 super rare personality disorders. When I my sister did the aspergers questionnaire for the doctor I did it too, just for laughs and kind of scored higher than my sister. I find myself in a position where over the past few years since I left university I feel like I’m going mad I’m under my doctor who can clearly see something is up I’m labelled as ‘depressed’ but its more complex. I’m being referred for an adult ADHD assessment, I’m dyslexic although I came top of my class. After reading this I wonder whether I should ask about it at the assessment? you might think ‘oh why not?’ well because its the same shrink my sister saw who was very dismissive and I know I will be dismissed I don’t fit into what people think is aspergers and I have reached a point in my life where I express who I really am without really caring what others think I can get away with it quite nicely because I’m an ‘artist’ although lots of artists these days seem to conform & be very conservative so I even stand out there. Anyway the piece you wrote is brilliant I love it and so identify, I often feel isolated and alone and not accepted and I’m always looking for people I can connect with and who understand. I think I have rambled enough in an incoherent manner possibly shared too much but I often just say how I feel and am very honest its so much more interesting and meaningful than talking about the weather! would I be allowed to join your group?

    1. Thank you for this sharing of your journey. Yes, please join our group. It’s a wonderful group of people. It’s very common for females to be overlooked by professionals. I hope your sister finds the answers she is searching for. I’m glad you were able to identify your daughter; that is fortunate that you were aware of the traits. Keep in touch. Thanks for stopping by. :) Sam

  30. Hi there, Im Marsha and im a mom from The Netherlands.. Wow.. really weird reading this tbh.. always knew somehow i was different.. or more that the rest of the world was somewhat weird or nuts in my eyes lol.. now recently my son got diagnosed with asperger and im reading more and more and its all so familiar.. Even things i havent read on any dutch site or whatever i read here and its just all about me ;) or so it seems.. anyways.. maybe its time i get myself tested officially as well.. lots of people tell me i should but tbh ive spend 33 years trying to learn to live with myself.. guess by now i know what im like ;).. am trying to figure out atm if it would add something usefull to know officially.. but well.. still very interesting to read this..

    1. Nice to hear about where you are at in the world and about your journey. I love to read about others’ experiences in life and with Aspergers. In America there are not many places to find information in detail on females with Aspergers. That’s one of the reasons I created this blog. So glad you found your way here. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m like, and so is my husband. lol :) Smiles ~ Sam

      1. lol .. well my hb says he finally begins to understand me a little after learning bout our son .. so guess thats a good thing.. allthough he still is convinced he is ‘in love with an alien’ as he sometimes describes it lol.. anyways.. its not much better here tbh.. with boys its not that hard to get the diagnose but when ur female its a lot harder.. been diagnosed with all sorts of things but never heard of asperger till i started noticing my son wasnt like other kids.. Been doing a lot of reading since and actually sort of selfdiagnosed him before the therapist did ;).. At least im glad he now gets the attention he needs specially in school.. he was bored to death there.. we first tried to get him into a thing they call leonardo education but he needs to score really high on his iqtest for that.. unfortunately he has such set ideas of whats expected when asked a question theres no way on earth he is ever gonna read it like its meant.. and the person who tested him said she is sure he is smart enough but she is not allowed to explain whats expected in a certain question .. well wont bore you with the long version of that.. we now have a nice solution for the time being at his regular school.. he is only 7 but i know what it means to not fit in and to be bored at school and not finish it cause you simply never learned to learn.. so im trying my very best to save him from that.. he has at least the advantage of havin a mom who understands him better then the rest of the world ;).. Concerning myself.. as said.. after 33 years on this planet i sort of know how i work and my hubby just got used to my i guess ;) .. Now we are on for the next battle.. ;) my middle son is 4 and we notice more and more things that arent ‘average’ in him.. but ill wait a few years to get him tested.. dont like the idea of testing just to be able to put a lable on my kid.. soon as i really see any use in it (cause of trouble at school or whatever) then we will worry bout that.. for now its about bedtime for me but im not nearly done reading everything on here so ill be back soon ;) .. thanks for taking the time to put this all together..

  31. I was just visiting your site for the first time, and I must say I really enjoyed the experience and have been enlightened by it. Great job, and I will pass it along on my Facebook page, if you don’t mind! I’m Aaron from A.S.P.I.E., by the way. Thank you for sharing on my page, and I want to apologize for taking so long. I was taking a hiatus for a while, due to school and personal tragedy, etc. Once again, I thank you for letting me visit; it’s been a pleasure! ~Aaron~

  32. Much of what you says fits my daughter to a tee! She refuses to take driver’s training, okay with us, (school doesn’t get it) and she is often very misunderstood by family members who think she is upset or angry when she is just quiet and reserved.
    Good post.

    1. Thank you for your comment. It is very helpful to hear that the list reflects others’ experiences. I didn’t drive until 18. I never even thought about it. I panicked the first 2 years driving. Now, it’s easy as pie. Though, I don’t think pies are easy to make! lol :) Much love, Sam

  33. I read this post a few weeks back not long after my six-year-old daughter was diagnosed ASD. I shared it with my husband, because all of the sudden my forty-four years of life started to make sense to me. All of the moments when I felt as if only me and the person in my head understood life, became so much clearer. The “fog” of being treated differently, feeling as if something is not quite right with me made so much more sense after reading this. Now, I am not saying that I am Aspeergers, though my husband has determined that this is why I get P.E.A.S. (pre-even anxiety syndrome – my husband’s own label that he created for my anxieties at times :0) ), it is wonderful to know that I have not fbeen crazy all of these years! Perhaps that is why I am drawn back to this certain post, it gives me comfort to know that I am “normal”, at least according to a few other women who share these traits with me :0)

    1. You describe exactly how I felt when my therapist confirmed I have Aspergers. I am still having daily AH-HA moments. Like today, ah-ha, that’s why I am so nervous buying in bulk at the Co Op, because I get nervous using the twist ties and worry about writing the numbers wrong, or using the bin spoon incorrectly. I’m glad that this post can give you a sense of comfort. Hearing from readers, like you, gives me comfort. :) Sam
      Oh, and I love your husband’s word for the anxiety. ;)

  34. I absolutely love this post, thank you so much for writing it! I just posted it on fb because I feel that asperger’s in girls/women has received far too little recognition yet and is hardly understood at all by the general public. I’ve been fascinated by autism ever since I read my first book about it as a teenager but it only started to dawn on my recently that the reason for that might be that I am actually an aspie myself – something I only realised through meeting a friend who is aspie and fairly recently diagnosed herself, we felt an instant connection with each other and ever since she first got to know me better she has had the opinion that I am definitely an undiagnosed aspie myself. Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with my story but just wanted to let you know how much your post spoke to me and how I pretty much sat in front of my laptop nodding away to everything you said in it! :)

  35. I was crying by the time I got to number 4. Since reading the book “Look Me in the Eye” by John Elder Robison I have suspected I was an aspie. I am a 45 year old female with 2 teenage sons. I am currently seeking a dianosis for my own personal satisfaction and so that I can get help with blaming myself and being so hard on myself for my misteps in life – esp. in the social aspects of life. Those are the most difficult for me. This blog is the most spot on description of life as I know it that I have read so far. Just about everything listed I could deeply relate to except for being challenged by computers or gadets – that is where I am gifted. I am sending the link to my doctors to say – see this is me!!! I would like to print it out for my personal use too. Thank you, I am looking forward to readin more! Just found you today!

  36. all my life i have felt, known, that i am different, but never understood why. i lost my job recently -as i have lost many others- for one simple reason: people don’t get me and think i’m strange and in a bad mood because i “don’t smile enough”. it always seemed a stupid reason to fire someone, and i am always puzzled by the difference in what others see in me and who i know i am. today of all days i was feeling particularly lost. then i came across this post and it all made sense.
    There isn’t one single thing, not one, that you wrote that i can say “no, that’s not me”. It is ALL me, all of it. and it’s terrifying and a huge relief at the same time.

    I am a bit of a mess right now and i think i have a lot to absorb and think about to know what i should do now that i might have found the answer i looked for for 36 years.

    Thank you for writing this. Thank you so much.

  37. I always read how aspergers is different for girls, but with no further info on how, both of my siblings have aspergers, as does my boyfriend, I always wondered if I did too… I think I might I have always felt like I am faking everything, but I am an excellent reader of people and I know that males can’t interpret social cues, where I seem to be the opposite

    1. I am an excellent reader of social cues, now. I trained myself. Girls do often (with ASD) train themselves to read social cues to avoid humiliation. I hope you find some answers. Thank you for commenting.

  38. I’m astonished. I just learned what AS really is yesterday. In a teacher conference yesterday, my sister was told that her daughter’s teachers believe her 3 year old has autism/asperger’s. While she was shocked, I immediately understood the symptoms they based this opinion on and could relate to my little niece. I began researching, and saw both her and myself in what I read, so much so that it brought me to tears – of relief. And when I finished reading your post above, it felt like finding a key I’ve looked 33 years for. Your post is almost verbatim my experience.

    My goal today is to find a therapist that can help me develop more understanding, and to evaluate my niece. I’m struggling in my marriage, as a mother of a 3 and 5 year old, and my job as an art director in a large advertising firm. Each time I am promoted, I find my job more difficult and I’m having more and more trouble accepting creative criticism regarding my work, as my projects are bigger now. At home, I shut down when my kids get too rowdy, we never have the tv on or music, because multiple sounds send me into a panic. On the positive side, I enjoy reading to them and creating planned art projects, but the chatter and playfulness of children sometimes makes me crazy when it shouldn’t. Now I know why. I love my husband and he is an amazing hands on dad, but I know I over process every single thing he does and I’m creating problems for us – when in reality he is what holds us together.

    My apologies, I’m extremely long winded with a keyboard. Let me close with thanking you for this post. Reading a personal account broken down into facets helped me relate much more than a medical text. I look forward to exploring this world and hopefully making my life better by accepting myself and learning new skills. Knowing the “why” will help me so so much.

    Bookmarking this blog. Thanks again.

    1. Thank you for sharing a part of your journey. I am smiling that you found your way here. I understand, to some degree, what you are going through, as do many women. It helps me to read your words and to validate my world. Thank you very, very much for your openness and honesty. I’m picturing myself holding your hand through this journey! Much love and light ~ Sam :)

  39. Brilliant post! I can relate to almost everything! I’ve only been on this Aspergers adventure for a short while, and I am having ‘Aha’ moments every single day. The pieces of the puzzle that my life was until I got diagnosed, are now all falling into the right places. It is so wonderful to know, after thinking all my life that I was a weird freaky loner, that there are heaps of people just like me!

    My therapist asked me years ago, when I was complaining about my life being so different from that of other people: “but is that what you want, to be normal?” To which I answered “I want MY normal to be the norm…” And now I’ve found a group of people who consider ‘my normal’ to be their normal too…..I am so happy with that!

  40. Omg. This is me me me me me all over! Spooky how you seem to know my head inside out. Thanks for writing this. I have the pleasure of knowing several other aspies in real life male and female. This explains how we “get” each other without even talking!

  41. I am a single Mom of a wonderful 4 yr.old little boy who is Autistic. I found this during my daily attempt at posting Autism Awareness info. on my facebook page. I have struggled my whole life, been told I was depressed among other things and put on anti-depressants that never worked. Everything you wrote has been my exact experience in this journey of life (except for organizing anything gives me EXTREME anxiety). I have been in tears the whole time reading this… I know today… I am not strange or wierd… I think because of you I have finally discovered what has been so different about me my whole life. Thank you so much for giving me what might be my answer, I have no words to express the gratitude I have in my heart!

    1. Your words inspire me to no end! I shared this with my support group. They feel the same as you about knowing answers now. Our facebook link is atop this blog, if you want to join us.

      I would love to quote you in tomorrow’s post, if you are comfortable. No name attached. Thank you. I needed to hear this today, out of all days. You have forever affected my life! Bless you. And there is a whole community (204 people in the group) who hear you and support you! You are not alone. :) Sam

      1. Good Morning Sam! I am sorry…computer troubles and could not get back to you as soon as I had wished. I am so glad you took the time to read my little post. I am going to set up a Doctors appointment soon… I am scared to, afraid she will think I am being a hypocondriac, but I am going to do it anyway. You are more than welcome to use anything from my post, I am touched. I will join the fb link also, thank you for inviting me. I am a little bit in shock right now, but feel hope for the first time. What you are doing is so very important and will change the lives of so many people living in misery everyday, like me. You have truly made a difference in my life….thank you …from the deepest parts of my soul! :)

  42. This article so closely describes my life that it made me cry – somebody out there really understands what it is like to be me, and I am not the only one of my kind.

  43. always love this blog…will always share this on my wall…i remember the first time i read this blog…it drove the “final nail to the coffin” of my personal quest for my identity…my “Aspie” self…thanks for sharing this, Sam :) :) love and hugs :) :)

  44. I just found your blog. I know tons of others above have said how much this post sounds like them…well, add me to the list! Nearly all of what you wrote is what I deal with daily. I thought I was the only one. My daughter who is 14 is suspected to have Aspergers, and through her therapy, I found out that I also am thought to have it. I’m 42 and never knew why I struggled so much internally until recently. It kind of changes how you view so much of your experience. Several of the things you listed above I still thought was just my own wierdness, but I guess that isn’t the case now. Thanks for sharing this. I’ll be looking forward to reading more from you. It really does help the rest of us out here.

  45. Oh my word.I was searching for asnwers or rather some insight to help me with my 3 year old daughter who i am pretty sure is an Aspie ( like her big brother) and I found your list. I have always felt ‘ different’ but never put my finger on it… put it all down to my innate low self esteem and internal dialogue i.e.” not good enough, clever enough, thin enough, pretty enough etc etc” had an eating disorder at 13, have never learned to drive. panic with social functions and need to come home and grab a ball of wool and crochet like crazy and just shut the world out! Sensitive to smells and noises, musically gifted ( read music before the printed word), fascinated by water running down things and washing drying on lines and the movements it makes, can’t stand ticking clocks! And although I wouldn’t change it for the world, i sometimes find the lack of ‘ me’ time very difficult being a full time mum to 2 amazing children and then I feel selfish and ‘ not good enough’ again. I anazlyse everything? even a 2 minute conversation … did I say enough? Did I talk too much about stuff going on with me ? I get cross as I think , damn it , i should have asked such and such and feel rude! What did they ask that for… what did they mean? I have always had a very vivid imagination, am very creative and escape into fiction before sleeping or I don’t sleep as my brain won’t ‘ switch off.’ ( so know how my children feel!)

    Anywya, i am going on! Suffice to say, many thanks from the bottom of my heart. I think I found answers to questions I didn’t even know I had:) Beth x

    1. You are very welcome. It’s always nice to hear from someone who is discovering aspects of themselves. I enjoyed your comment very much. Talk to much….impossible….I am the rambling queen! lol. You sound like my brain. giggles. So glad you let me know about you. Take Care. :) Sam

  46. One of my best friends, an adult woman, was just told that she has Asperger’s. I have asked her to explain female Asperger’s to me, and she did her best. After reading this article, I have gained a slight glimpse of what she goes through on a daily basis. I have a little bit of an understanding of why, sometimes, she just can’t get out. Why she’ll be ready to go and something small will trigger her to either completely change her outfit or remind her of a task, that usually isn’t time sensitive, that she must do. I really appreciate this article and hope that it will help me in the future to in turn help her in some way.

    Thank you,

    Adam

  47. I am so glad you gained a glimpse. That is so vital to her, I am certain. Great for you for searching the net for answers about your friend. I am thankful you commented. Wishing you much happiness. :) There’s a great Aspergers movie out there called “Adam,” by the way. :) Sam

  48. aspergers girl,i sat here crying at your post as you post is my daughter.
    im wondering if you’d mind me printing it to send in as support for my daughters dla claim,i think you sum up aspie perfectly.
    thank you in advance
    mel

  49. Hugs to you. I would not mind if you print this out but ask that you keep my blog information on the list and only provide to a couple people. Thank you for your interest and comment. I hope all goes well. :) Sam

  50. Thank you very much! You just have described exactly how I feel. I always knew I was diferent, i’m 28 years and only a year ago finally found out that I’m an Aspie, and after that all was finally clear for me. I can say now i’m happy, because now I understand me and accept me.

    Please, keep writing, some of us can’t explain like you and you’re the voice of so many, I’m passing this blog to a friend, the only one who care and try to undertand more about Asperger.

    Thank You Very Much!

    Sorry for the bad english but i’m natural spanish

  51. You are very much welcome. So good to hear that you relate. I still can’t believe so many people can. It was just on my mind one day, so I wrote my thoughts out. No idea the impact the words would have, where they would travel. I’m so glad to hear you are happy! Yay! I will keep writing. Thank you for the encouragement. You’re English is brilliant. I can only speak English, so you top me! Hugs, Sam :)

    1. You’re very kind! Thank you!

      Your thoughts and mine are very similar, just little differences, but that’s part of the personality of each person I think. In general the way you see the world is my way, but at times is too difficult to explain to others like you do. Right now i’m translating (if you let me) ”Ten Traits” to give it to my mom and sisters, maybe this way they can understand me more.

      Just a question, I don’t know if is my country but people tend to speak, almost always, in sexual way… and since I am not aware of the theme I don’t understand most of the time, and see me even more weird… is this normal? Double meaning jokes? I just let them be to past the moment. Do you past for this too?

      Wish you a great day!
      Hugs and cookies!!

  52. I fully agree with this and I understand. I was only diagnosed when I was 17, but it was good to know I had a reason for all my oddities. And it made my parents understand that it wasn’t a discipline problem. -Stares at American mother- I love inside, and my cats. Reading and writing; and watching movies. The fact I have read 325 books and more this year can say a lot to that.

  53. You have just accurately described my life. I am a diagnosed female Aspie. My in-laws are very set in their ways and so much of this applies to them that I think if they would read it they would have a better understanding of me. Maybe I wouldn’t have gone through 13 foster placements…but I guess they didn’t know about AS/ASD back then…

    1. No matter how many times someone writes that I described her life, I still can’t believe it—to know we are so alike, amazes me. I am sorry for your pain. 13 foster placements…oh, my. I feel for you. Thank you for sharing. Hugs to you, Sam

  54. Thank you so much for that information. I feel 97% of this fits me to a T. For years my mom took me to every doctor, and if you ask anyone about me they say i’m just “different”. they cannot put their finger on it but i am. Now that i’m 30 and have children one of my kids is experiencing some of the same symptoms. I feel like the older I get the more I am understanding why I feel the way i do. Now I can seek the answers and guidance for my kids.

  55. Thank you for this post. It gives some insight into the condition.
    My advice is to hunker down with your cats or your loved ones until you feel able to get up and control your life and your body again. :)

  56. Went through I was like, tick, tick, tick, that’s me, didn’t know that was Aspergers related but I have it, tick, tick, tick. I didn’t know “deep” thinking was Aspergers linked…I have been told I am “philosophical” and “moral” and “analytical” by multiple people.

  57. Thank you so much for posting this – I cried a little with relief at some of it. I can totally relate to a considerably amount of what you have written. Thank you very much x

  58. Thank you. :) for the first time in my life I feel I am not alone. You are an amazing person. Keep up the posts. You give me strength and comfort in a place that I know none. -jenn

    1. Awe….Thank you Jenn. You are not alone. Blessings to you, and know that we have a support group link above under Facebook, if you want to join us there. Hugs to you. I will keep the posts coming, and your words help, as I’ve been doubting my ability these last few days. Much love, Sam :)

  59. Hello – again.
    I’m broken at the moment – I read Attwoods Aspergers about 9 years ago and thought – wow that’s me. I then read this acount the other day and I must be a classic Aspergers.
    As a child of five in a working-class, traveller related [father] family, I joined in with the laughter when my mum told stories of when we [the kids] were born etc… I was left in a cot in a room at the furtherst away from anyone, after the neighbour complained about the noise I made. Apparently I never slept, just napped [like my son!], I never cried, although I babbled and I learnt to shout AY! as I moved the cot up and down the room. My mum admitted standing at the top of the stairs with me too.
    Anyway, I am not like my mum, and I have 2 kids.
    My BIG interest is education then psychology, law, biology etc… I guess if you are reading this, you get my drift. Research/ analyse mode :-) including text/ footnotes/ language etc… No fiction here! lol.
    My me on enjoyment/ non-analysis-mode consists of children and motorbikes.

    I am broken due to feeling relief that now I am not scared to relax instead.
    Also I feel estatic that throughout all these years, I have analysed the world through my own eyes and being made aware of our fantastic world of life and science, of human behaviour and philosophy, history and EVERYTHING!!
    And I am not alone *hurrah* not the only person who naturally gets excited on information, who is sensetive to coffee – symptoms like cocaine lol.
    I’m babbling….

    I am posting this because all of this is overload for me abit – I am getting waves [atmospheric pressures] that are hard to stabilise. This is new to be ‘out’, I have told my work colleagues and told my doctor that I match Aspergers and would like CBT.
    I have also, yesterday just come off ADs after a couple of months, I hit rock-bottom after 2 years of high-stress.
    I have the trait of the Aspergers all-forgiving eye :-) the stress was caused after it malfunctioned!
    I feel abit better typing this out, although I instinctively want to delete it – I won’t.
    I apologise for the self-centered, boring winge ;-)
    Angela

    1. Thanks so much for sharing your history and all of these insights. I understand so much the stage you are going through right now. For me it brought up soooo many emotions and memories and flashbacks…24/7 day and night. I know entirely about the overload. Forgive me if I have already asked, as I talk to many, but did you try to join our support group on facebook? Nice people there.
      All-forgiving eyes….oh, yes. I hear so many familiarities in your story. Hang in there. No need to apologize. Take care. :) Sam

  60. My 12yr old daughter was diagnosed only two days ago so this morning I started my online research and have just spent the last 2 1/2 hrs reading your blog and the replies. It has taken so long because the tears obscured my vision. The traits are my daughter to a tee…for her age. We have always known there was something different about her, believing this was due to a severe illness when she was only one, I understand from other research this morning that may have something to do with it, but as the psychologist rightly said not to focus on the whys but the support she now needs to make life happy for her. I’m so grateful to you for posting your blog and making it very easy to begin the journey of understanding the complexities of her world. Just now sitting here next to her, having had a little chat about ‘things’ I feel so positive, tearful because every parent wants their child to be happy, accepted and ‘fit in’. ‘Fitting in’ isn’t so important now what is important is that she fits in with herself and through her teenage and young adult life is given the skills for dealing with her feelings and emotions positively. We will look for online support specifically tailored to young girls so she may find ‘friends’ to chat with, if you know of any particular group please let me know., otherwise like so many before me…. Thank YOU so very much .. hugs

    1. Two days ago! Wow. That, I imagine, is much to process and sift through. I am so joy-filled you found this blog. I am so HAPPY you have answers….so HAPPY. And now with your love you will be able to help and support her. She will have all she needs with your support. I am glad you contacted me. Words and stories like yours make this blogging all worth it.
      Oh…sigh…positive tearful…yes….been there. My middle son does not “fit in” but he is the most precious gift….so wise…an angel….a deep, deep soul.
      I do not know of any groups for young girls. It would be a great group for someone to start. I will hope and pray that there is a group out there or started soon to assist you. If I hear of one, I will let you know.
      Thank YOU for being you, and sharing your journey, and being THERE for your daughter. That will make the world of difference. Being there and loving her….greatest gift of all. :) Sam

      1. How right you are, she is the youngest of three beautiful, intelligent daughters (the other two are 11 and 12 yrs older which was always a shame because of the loneliness she felt..if she had siblings of a similar age I think may have been easier) and all the years wondering why things didn’t work out or were different for her when all was so much easier for the other two .. the penny has dropped and my hubby and I can start to help her with understanding. She is a real treasure and there are so many things we are so very proud of her for – she’s playing the flute now and it sounds amazing. She has dyslexia and hyper joint mobility also…all challenges she is managing well with help. I sincerely hope other newly recognised/diagnosed Aspie peeps/peeps family members find your blog sooner rather than later..good night and bless peeps like you who do this sort of thingxxxxxhugs Bev

  61. Is this ALL great!! All Aspergers unite – honestly AGAIN, thanks for putting this page up.
    I do not have a face-book account, perhaps I ought to :-)
    I was thinking though – what AMAZING discussions we could have about things – since some of us are so analytical and open-minded lol xx Aspergers think-tank – just a blaze of babble with no-one getting a word in edge-ways
    Thanks again, and I’ll stop using this as a forum board ;-) xx

  62. Reading this made sense. It is what I have been trying to explain to my mother for years, about myself (though she would never read it and just say of the likes – ”You just want an easy way out of life, you always want to be diagnosed\”. This I find interesting as it seems I am always trying my best to live up to her and my fathers wishes, and know inherently that I am a good person with more than sound morals and ethics. But I am ridiculed and belittled constantly.

    I am a mid-twenties muslim girl who has struggled with relationships and jobs and life in general my entire life, and who has probably dealt with too many abuses over my time so far on this planet.
    I become stressed and anxious easily, and am art obsessed – art being the only true way I feel like I can communicate my true feelings.
    I was considered the most reflective during my degree the one where I finally began to speak my mind – but this caused a loss of all friends in program – as I was seen as too serious, analytical, and sad – when really it is just my thoughts. When stressed or guilted – often – I cannot do anything and quickly spiral. The thoughts and feelings are often overwhelming and I become easily affected by any of the senses. Because I have no ties in life and have had to deal with things on my own throughout, I often contemplate the meaning of life, and whether its at all worth it.
    I see that most people who have commented here have some sort of social tie whether it be family, friend, etc. But in my experience in my life, I am considered a failure by those I know and am a write off, I now have no ties – except to my parents – which are fairly toxic. You see to live up to their expectations, I put my social skills and life on hold, and in the end its never good enough and there is always more to do. And though they are toxic how does one severe those ties when they are the only ones left.

    Finally in relation to a few of the comments posted above, I am curious as to when more and more research emerges about female aspies as to whether it will show that those living in true isolation have suffered abuses – verbal, physical, and sexual as children. Also what happens to those who come from super high achieving families, families who point blank do not believe in any sort of mental disorders – instead believing that the person affected is just making the whole thing up.

    Anyhow, nice to know that in the whole scope of things I am not alone, and that others understand this mind.

    Signed frustrated (less so after coming upon this blog) young woman with Aspergers, PTSD, and ADD.

    Interesting – I use this comment to refer back to myself – again not as a narcissist – but because this is how I make sense of my world – because we learn through the experiences of others – and through self reflection

    1. Thank you for sharing. This sounds so very hard for you, and I am so sorry for your challenges and difficulties. I know you know that there are many women who are going through challenges, and you are not alone. But I also understand that your situation is your unique experience, given your culture and environment. I am so sorry your parents are toxic—-I can imagine how isolating this must feel. I believe many women with Aspergers have suffered various forms of abuse. I know this from communicating with others. I hear the hurt and frustration in your words, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find more and more peace, support, and answers. We have a support group on facebook, the link is above, if you didn’t know this already. Much love to you ~ Sam :)

    2. Tea, I am so sorry for your situation. Please know that you have reached an audience that can relate to how you experience life, although maybe not your external circumstances since those are different for each of us. But do please understand that it is clear to me and, I am sure to others here, how intelligent and self-aware you are. I know it can seem like a terrible struggle, but life IS worth it. You must carry on to find a way to be true to yourself and your own journey through this life – it will not be like the journeys of your family members – it is your own and do not let them steal that from you. Your peace is hiding within you and you must let yourself find it there. Be strong. I am sure you have much to offer the world.

  63. You have described me. It’s very scary! I have only been thinking that I may have Asperger’s for a short while, but the evidence that I might is really overwhelming. It’s very comforting to know there are other women like me out there somewhere, and thanks to wonderful people like you who are sharing this with the rest of us, I am slowly but surely building up the courage to ask my GP for a referral to get tested. Thanks again!

  64. I am an Early Childhood Special Education teacher and have worked with children on the Autism spectrum. I often do not think of adults on the spectrum other than those in movies or in group homes. (I have a brother with Aspergers.) while reading this i had to get up and leave the room for a while. I felt like I was reading my own life story here! May be time for an evaluation. This answers a lot of questions and address the more challenging parts of my life that I have attributed to depression and an addictive personality type. Interesting. Thanks for posting this.

  65. Thank you so, so much for this list. I’m a 17 year old female currently in the process of getting a professional diagnosis – my therapist believes I have Asperger’s but wants me to go to a psychiatrist for an official evaluation. When I take AS screening quizzes on the internet, I become skeptical as to whether I even have the condition. These tests are usually based exclusively on stereotypes of what Asperger’s looks like in MALES ONLY. I can relate to many of the items on these tests, but I still remain unconvinced when I receive the results. When I read your list, I am blown away at the similarities…it’s all the little things that had never crossed my mind before. Like why I can’t drive down the street without panicking or forgetting which way I’m supposed to go. Verbal instructions are horrible. When I drive and am told to turn left or right, it doesn’t immediately register and I am often left to “guess” which way I need to turn (this doesn’t work!) I couldn’t parallel park to save my life – a fact which frustrated the crap out of my driving instructor.

    So I want to thank you for this list. I can’t relate to all of it and don’t expect to, but much of it registers deeply with me. Reading it, I actually started to tear up at the realization that so many of my issues and quirks can be attributed to Asperger’s. Is it only coincidence that I’m also a writer?

    (((hugs)))

    1. :) Awe thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. It is amazing how many of us feel the same, isn’t it? I am so glad you found your way here and had some confirmation. Driving terrified me when I was your age!!! It has gotten much easier…though I don’t think I will ever parallel park. lol. I wish you the best life has to offer. You are very fortunate to find out now, and have tools and resources available to you. Much joy to you. :) Sam

  66. People don’t make sense to me as a rule, what you wrote made perfect sense. I have a son with aspergers, i am not diagnosed but reading what you wrote and how much you could have been describing me makes me wonder? Very enlightening post look forward to reading more :)

  67. Hi! First, sorry for any typos. I’m on my IPad and I’m using the touch screen keyboard. I love this list!! Like everyone else has said, I relate to the traits as well, though I’m not sure about the sensory issues. Mine are all noise related.

    I’m visually impaired, so I’m unsure whether my seeming Aspieness comes from being a real Aspie–apologies if anyone isn’t comfortable with the term–or because of my visual impairment.

    I see 20/150 with my contact, 20/200 with glasses and 20/500 (?) with nothing, in my left eye. I don’t have much depth perception or peripheral vision. My right eye sees a little light and shadows but nothing useful. :)

    So, because I can’t see–physically–facial expressions, facial details, etc., I have tons of trouble with non-verbal communication. But, personality-wise, I am very much an Aspergirl. I came across another, longer list of traits–Sam Craft’s list here: http://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/day-62-females-with-aspergers-syndrome-nonofficial-checklist/–and related to most if not all in each section.

    So, does anyone know whether it’s possible to have/be both visually impaired and an Aspie? All the reading I’ve done seems to indicate no, but the studies focused on blind children who shared traits with Aspies/people with Autism because of their blindness–i.e. the blind children self-soothed because they were blind, not autistic. Vut I have functioning vision–just not enough of it! :)

    Sorry for the long post. It’s late here and I get long-winded when I’m tired. But I have to say it’s nice to be able to ramble! Even if I’m not an Aspie, I feel like I fit in very well with you lot :)

    Random fact: my screenname is from the Beatles’ song, Blackbird, with which I identify quite strongly.

    Peace out!

    Blackbird

    1. Hi Blackbird,
      Thanks for sharing about yourself. I might suggest you join our facebook group, if that is an option for you, and ask the question there. The link is atop this blog. I am uncertain of how many people will see your great question here, under the comment section. I am unfamiliar with the link, but it makes sense to me. Thank you for commenting and much peace to you Blackbird. :) Sam

      1. Thank you! I shall join your fb page!! Also, sorry for the long comment I left on your other list. :/ I had a lot to say on that one too…

  68. I just read this. Is it ok if I leave a link. It describes me EXACTLY. Every word almost. WOW. Rudy Simones aspergirls book or 22 things also describes me. THANK YOU:)

  69. Wow! I’ve never read something that describes AS so completely. Thank you for putting words on things I am not always able to describe :)

  70. Thank you Sam for having such insights into yourself and for caring enough about us to share them! I am truly grateful.

  71. holy mother of pearl – you have gotten inside my head. inside ME.
    and written this so well.
    whereas I would have begun trying to explain and gone off on an ADD tangent or begun crying from the panic/anxiety of wondering why I had to explain to anyone –
    then lost a day or two from the sadness and frustration of wishing I HAD someone to explain it to.
    and most comforting is this, “As we grow older, we understand more of how our minds work, which makes living sometimes even more difficult; because now we can step outside ourselves and see what we are doing, know how we our feeling, yet still recognize our limitations.”
    I’ve been doubly concerned because it seems as if since I turned 50, it’s become worse, or more difficult – that makes so much sense, I now see WHY it seems more difficult.
    Thank you.

    1. You cracked me up. “Holy Mother of Pearl!” That’s how I feel everytime someone tells me I got into their brain. This was written in one quick sitting, so I’m thinking there was some collective unconscious stew a brewing when I scribed this. So great to hear from another who knows the journey. Love the quote you chose….that’s one of the most telling parts of the piece. I’m sure glad you didn’t have to go into ADD tangents and 2-day sadness. Glad I could be of help. :) You are very welcome ~ Sam

  72. How strange that “being me”–“being us”– warrants a diagnostic code!

    Reading your accounts, I walked into a sublime forest and recognized all the trees.

    Thank you, Sam, for writing your beautiful piece and making it public.

    Would you mind if I showed this list to my husband?

    1. Thank you for your comment. Please do show your husband. I am so glad this list could help. Yes, in agreement about the oddity of “us” being a “diagnostic code.” It’s like taking a whole species and labeling it as somehow “abnormal.” Makes little sense to me. Best wishes to you. :) Sam

  73. I am laying in my bed crying right now because this is SO me. I always knew there was something different about me. I don’t want this label, but it is nice to see I am not alone. Now I am just so scared… how do I tell my parents? should I go to a doctor? I have a lot of thinking to do. Now I am going to over think this like I do everything else. Thank you so much. I think that you just changed my life.

    1. I understand. I cried off and on when I made the connection. So much of life made sense to me after I connected the dots. No need to label, unless a diagnosis would assist you. I think just knowing I am not alone has helped a lot. There are so many women with wonderful unique brains like ours. Thank you for your comment. Your words will give me the courage to keep writing. Much love to you. Sam :)

  74. I’m confused. I was diagnosed with Aspergers about three years ago. Much of this stuff applies to me: How it’s a pain to take steps to get out of the house and deal with things; low tolerance for dishonesty and manipulation; obsessions and escapism; and the learning difficulties due to overwhelmed senses.

    But a lot of the stuff I’m reading here is kind of out there and extreme. It’s causing me to question my diagnosis?

    Also, I don’t feel that compassion thing. On the contrary, I do feel deep resentment and vindictiveness toward people I feel have wronged me, even in the slightest way. I thought one documented trait of Aspergers is a difficulty to empathize with people, which is contrary to feeling compassionate. So which is it? Are we indifferent or compassionate? We can’t be both. I’m confused. Am I an Aspie or not?

    Whatever…Aspie or not…I’m gonna milk my diagnosis for what it’s worth, because I didn’t have the awareness and support I needed in all my 40 years. Now it’s like…too little too late, but I may as well milk it if I can.

    1. Many women have the empathy trait. And some of the men tend to not when compared with men…I guess. Though all the men I’ve spoken to, and my son have extreme empathy??? So not certain on that. There are all different types of people and differing degrees. I wouldn’t think that one thing would rule out a diagnosis. Many people with Aspergers have strong empathy towards others. Not sure what to tell you. This is my experience. Thanks for sharing. :) Sam

  75. Still reading and skimming. Number 10, about executive functioning is dead on correct. Trying to learn how to drive was a nightmare…which also caused nightmares. I never did learn how to drive. I think #10 is the story of life, and why I fell behind and nobody would understand why.

    Are you AspieEyes on YouTube, who made the video Adult Female Asperger Traits?

  76. Thank you for your insight. It helps me to relate on some level with what my daughter may be going through.

  77. Thank you so much for writing this, for making this known.

    Nearly a year ago, I started a journey of self discovery. I wanted to know why I seemed so DIFFERENT, why I always felt like I just… didn’t fit in.

    After all, a normal teenage girl does NOT go to 20+ different schools, not including colleges, trying to find a place where she belongs. It isn’t reasonable. There had to be something abnormal afoot.

    I have always felt like a stranger, like someone looking through a glass window, but unable to truly connect properly to people. After all, how can you be connected to people who use you, ridicule you, and make fun of your kindness, as well as your naivety? It’s absurd, really. The only people I feel particularly comfortable around are my online companions.

    Throughout this journey, I have looked into many disorders, but none of them quite FIT. Sure, ‘giftedness’ harmonized well enough. But it wasn’t perfect, and I couldn’t help but find myself wondering if there was more to it.

    Admittedly, I have always come back to AS, but something always turned me away from it. I have a few Aspie friends, and one of them said I was too friendly and open to have it. However, she was a rather severe case, so maybe I shouldn’t have taken her advice to heart. But I did, and I was, once again, feeling dejected.

    It’s painful, not knowing your place in the world. Very painful. Lonely, too.

    So, here I am– looking into AS once again. And this time, it’s PERFECT.

    But maybe it always fit. Maybe I was just so unsure of myself that I couldn’t see it.

    It makes some sense, considering my age– fifteen, nearly sixteen. I finally had to consult with my mom using a mental a checklist of AS symptoms and ask her which ones fit and which ones didn’t.

    As it turns out, I’m probably an Aspie. Who knew? I certainly didn’t!

    But anyways, thank you so much for this post. It very nearly describes me, and I’m quite grateful to finally know that I’m not alone.

    -The Amber Raven

    1. You are a very gifted writer. I read this aloud. Your words flow and carry much power. Thank you very much for sharing your story. Much of my poetry includes the word raven or amber. I love ravens and crows and amber. So I find your name very interesting. You went to so many schools. I cannot imagine how disconnected that would feel. And, yes, it is hard to be friends with people when you can see the “games” they are playing and know enough to question their intentions and motives. I am glad you have found friends online. I have made good friends that way, too. I am happy that you are discovering answers so early on in life, and during a time where there are more and more people who understand and are facing the same journey. Please keep in touch, if possible. And I hope you do something with your writing. It is very, very good. Much love and support to you. I hope you will no longer feel alone and that some of the pain will disappear. I still know the pain you speak of. Even with friends and a husband and children, at times I too am still looking through that glass window. Feel free to friend me on facebook. The link is atop this blog. Take care and best wishes. ~ Sam :)

      1. Oh, thank you! I find writing to be quite enjoyable. The words come out so much better than they would if I were to verbalize them!

        And really? Wow! :D I like using it as a bit of a pun off of my name, because it makes me giggle. Also, my mom apparently likes hippie names! Haha! My baby brother’s name is ‘Sun’.

        It was hard, but it was, admittedly, my own fault. I just felt so… abnormal. After awhile, I’d get depressed and lose my motivation.

        I’ve found that, while I often worry someone is using me, I tend to be a bit oblivious. Either that, or I’m in denial. Usually both. I think I’m getting better at recognizing true friends now, though. Which is good.

        However, my new friends are great, and we relate to each other wonderfully. Most of them are ‘gifted’, but one of my closest ones is an Aspie who’s in my grade! It’s very fun to converse with her on varying topics. They’re all so supportive of me, and we really help lift each other up. It’s quite nice, actually.

        I’m really happy, too. I’ve had this urge, this obsession with finding answers, with finding myself, that it’s almost hard to believe that I’ve found what I’ve been looking for. It’s surreal, to say the least. Also, I’d love to stay in touch. I just joined your group, and it’s really great to see the vast support system that you’ve started. c: I have to ask my mom for permission to add people, and as she’s asleep, I’ll ask her in the morning.

        Trust me, I definitely will. I intend in minoring in Creative Writing in college, with a major in Psychology. One day I hope to publish books, as well as to open up a private practice.
        <3

        -The Amber Raven

  78. Okay, it more than -nearly- describes me. It’s pretty much me in a nutshell! Though, I’m not sure how cold I appear to be to the outside world… :o When I asked my mom, she said that I only seem cold when I’m trying to stay calm while out (I get rather hyper-active, rambly, and anxious when in public) or at home. Then again, I’m always hyper-active, rambly, and anxious… But I feel TERRIFIED in public.

    Hm…

  79. Thank you so much for this list, it’s being really helpful to me. I’ve wondered for a while if I was an Aspie – I’m 64, married with children, used to have a high powered job, now retired & creative. A lot – but not all – of this list is me throughout my life & still, although I’ve learned to fit in acceptably in most situations.

    A group of friends had lightbulb moments when reading an article on high level Aspergers, & have told me they think I am one. They are now going to help me learn to read body language & facial expressions better using some NLP techniques and coaching. I know that it will be learned behaviour, but may help me interact better with others.

    After nearly a day of surfing, this is the most useful site I’ve found, very inspirational :) I’m going to stop freaking about being an Aspie & embrace it :)

    1. You are very welcome. How wonderful to have such thoughtful friends. I’ve learned a lot through books. I also learn a lot by watching movies. I’m so glad you found your way here. We have a support group listed atop this blog on Facebook. Huge hugs of support and best wishes to you. :) Yes….EMBRACE :)

  80. A very interesting, thought provoking blog. I have a 9 y/o daughter that has been diagnosed with Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, which is a fairly new diagnosis, but is very close to Asperger’s & is considered by most to be in the Autistic Spectrum. I have a 7 y/o son who has severe ADHD w/ODD tendencies, but I sometimes wonder if he doesn’t have some Asperger’s/Autistic traits as well, which we will be exploring with our new psychiatrist as well….

    1. I have read much on Nonverbal learning disorder. So very close to Aspergers. Thank you for your comment. Up above on the top of the blog I have a section on working with kids. Most I wrote after reading Nonverbal L.D. books. Take care. :) Sam

  81. I just found this site and very thankful for it, a few years ago my daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers and I have just started to see a new doctor for her who is trying to say its not Aspergers she just has a learning disability.. I cannot wait to print this and show her along with a few other articles!

  82. So gosh…my husband was diagnosed with Asperger’s about 3 years ago. Shortly after that, my son, who is not my current husband’s biological child, was diagnosed with Asperger’s. That led me to take a look backward at the characteristics of my son’s father who, in retrospect, clearly has Asperger’s. Then I looked at all of the other men I’ve been seriously involved with in my adult life and came to realize that I’ve been something of an Aspie magnet. Finally, when my son’s friend moved in with us a few months ago (both my son and his friend are young adults)I realized, within a week, that this young man also has Asperger’s.

    At a certain point along the way, it became obvious that there was some reason I was an Aspie magnet. Initially I

    thought it was just that I had a greater than normal capacity to connect with others at a very deep level. As I was becoming aware of what the Asperger’s diagnosis meant in males, it seemed to me that I had whatever the polar opposite of Asperger’s might be and that that was what made me attractive to men who couldn’t otherwise make an emotional connection. Hah!

    As I continued to consider myself, in relationship to these men, I realized that I actually have a great deal in common with some of their “quirks” and I began to wonder if my area of “over-focus” might not be relationships. My son’s father, for example, once referred to me as a “relationship junkie”. Ouch.

    Reading your blog today, and taking taking the Rivto Adult ASD test online has confirmed it for me. I’m an Aspie too. Wish I’d known decades ago. Of course, the diagnosis wasn’t available decades ago. In fact, the diagnosis was added to the DSM literally the year I began my doctoral training in Clinical Psychology (there’s irony for you), and no one througout the course of my doctoral training ever discussed it. Thanks for your blog…I feel a little less lonely.

    1. Wow. That was great to read. It is amazing the twists and turns life makes…I bet you’ll be having a bunch of “Ah-Ha” moments. I was a relationship junkie for many, many years….men were my fixation…lol….great to hear from you. :) Sam

  83. Strange synchronicity that I found this, a fellow Farmville player posted it on FB and I had to have a look.

    I think my first conscious thought was “something’s wrong with me”, and believe me, going through school and into adulthood, the rest of the world never held back from telling me so either.

    I’m now at the point of wanting to lock myself away and scream and howl for a good few weeks. This happens every six months or so. It’s as if I burn out of energy from having to deal with the frustration and confusion of life. Not to mention the soul-crushing loneliness. I have three good friends at the other end of the country, one here who I don’t always think is a positive for me, and my parents and sister who love me but all I do is disappoint them with how disastrous my life has been. As for boyfriends, that’s an impossible fantasy.

    Now why I am here, someone asked me about a month ago if I’d ever been tested for aspergers and said she thought I should be, then in the next couple of weeks two more people said the same thing unprompted. (Two of them have relatives with aspergers so they know what they are looking for as well.)

    It isn’t a condition I knew much about so it had never crossed my mind, but I started reading and most of the info I’ve found so far seems to fit me. Especially the true-life accounts from people living with aspergers, it was like reading my own diary in parts. And as often happens, once you start thinking about something, references to it pop up all over the place, like how I found this blog!

    I realise we can diagnose ourselves with just about anything after reading lists of signs and symptoms, but this seems to fit better than other diagnoses I’ve had. I’ve been on fluoxetine for depression for years, but while I am depressed I think that’s a symptom rather than the disease. I was treated for bipolar for 6 months before the doc agreed with me that I wasn’t (the symptoms of bipolar just didn’t fit me at all, I’ve no idea how he thought it did in the first place). I was given carbamazepine at one point and was totally numb emotionally, it frightened me. I actually preferred the depression as at least then I was feeling something!

    I’ve been waiting all my life for things to get better, but they’ve been getting steadily worse, and now I’m at a crossroads. Do I lie down and die? Do I carry on as I am in this utterly awful existence hoping for something to magically happen? No. I think it’s time to face facts. While nothing may be “wrong with me” as such, something clearly isn’t right with me either, and it’s high time I found out what.

    1. Thank you for sharing your journey. Yes…time to face facts and be strong….as it sounds you have been most of your life. It is very common for people with Aspergers to be diagnosed with bipolar and for the doctors to then realize the diagnosis was not correct. We have a support group on facebook listed atop this blog, if you are interested, for people touched by Autism in some way. You are fortunate people have asked you if you have been tested for Aspergers…so many people never are given a clue. I also felt something was also “wrong” with me. Now, after much processing and many connections, I realize that I am just unique and have a unique way of viewing the world. It is nice to know there are so many lovely souls who understand and are traveling a similar road. Best wishes to you. :) Sam

      1. Thank you for your lovely message of support, and for writing such a fantastic blog!

        I should have done this years ago but I was in denial… everyone always tells me things can only get better and I’ll find where I fit in soon, and I wanted to believe it. Like I said, I knew early on that something was amiss but I was scared of getting a diagnosis and a label – but then again the world hasn’t been shy to label me as a loser, weirdo, etc. So why be scared of the name of an actual condition after all that? And I was dreading they’d find something was “wrong” that couldn’t be put right, and in that case what was the point in knowing? But now I think if that’s the case I can find others living with whatever I have and maybe learn how they cope.

        I will be at the doctor’s surgery as soon as it opens this morning and book an appointment. I am UK based so while our state-funded healthcare is an absolute godsend, it is underfunded and waiting times are incredibly long, so getting a referral will be a long process… but seeing the doctor will be the first step and will make me feel I’ve started the journey. I’ve wasted enough of my life, what’s a few more months or years?

        I am also going to speak to my parents tomorrow night and tell them what I have decided. I doubt it will come as much of a shock, after all they’ve often said I was “made different” and they know how miserable I’ve been especially in the past few years. I think they will be supportive.

    2. I really hope everything works out for you- I can totally relate- that third paragraph could have been my own words lately!

  84. After researching asperger’s syndrome for about 3 hours in the middle of the night, i’ve grown increasingly obsessed with the possibility that I might be an aspie girl myself. I’ve been able to identify with 90% of the things in this article. I always knew that I was different, but not in a million years would I have thought that I was autistic. I won’t stop thinking about thins until my diagnosis has been made.

  85. So much of the above applies to me but I was denied the diagnosis after testing because the psychologist (who was young and not an Asperger expert) said, basically, that I had too much empathy (something I told her that I felt I lacked as a child but worked on) , made too much eye contact (I told her, as a kid, I didn’t make eye contact until someone made me feel embarrassed about it — then I made sure to correct that), read faces too well (but I’m obsessed with people’s faces), wasn’t uncoordinated enough (though I said I didn’t like playing contact sports because I felt overwhelmed in them) and that my many collections as a child weren’t strange enough (and then I read somewhere that girls usually have more normal collections). But she did concede that results of many of my tests were results that only Asperger people got. So, I guess, I’m the *only* “normal” person to get those results. Now even though I had explained how I had worked so much since the age of 6 to compensate for my weaknesses (and as a result I believe that has made me have focus problems), she didn’t take it into consideration and went purely by the tests and questionnaires that she gave me, some of which seemed very male oriented. (One questionnaire was pretty much all about being rude and interrupting people and not caring what people think.)

    I really think I’m mildly Aspergers and feel frustrated that this psychologist proclaimed me to be normal and that I just need to work on my anxiety and do CBT to help with my focus problems.

    1. empathy, eye-contact, know social cues (facial expression), and differences in agility are the primary reasons girls are being overlooked for Aspergers….wow. Also the girls often collect items that are soically acceptable. You may want to seek a second opinion; also, Tony Atwood is a resource that talks about this differences between girls and boys. Unfortunately, sounds like you encountered what many females do when seeking assistance. Best of luck to you and thank you for sharing.

  86. It is so amazing to read what appears to be a concise reflection of myself. I have always felt the odd one out, and I have no friends, other than my pets, whom I deeply connect with. Thankyou for so accurately depicting Aspergers, it is comforting to know others live this experience, and as I have always said what feels like being born in the wrong place and time.

    1. Thank you for sharing. I have a huge love of animals. I am thankful you have your pets. We have a friendly group of folks on our facebook support group listed atop this blog, if you’re looking for company. I wish you the best. :)

  87. I don’t know what it is about sleep or where I sleep, but I can’t stand it. I only appreciate it when I am so tired I almost or literally pass out. I am uncomfortable with being alone with my thoughts and everything unresolved from the day. I can’t sleep until it’s taken care of. Or I just lie there and my anxiety makes me go through all the regrets of the day. I do know that I like hard or at least firm surfaces to sleep on (when I am in a new place I often sleep on the floor) and thin blankets. I hate overly soft mattresses, pillows and thick blankets; its probably what a strap jacket feels like in padded cell. I am never a heavy sleeper (unless I’m THAT tired.)
    I don’t know if it is because I suddenly forget as soon as I wake up (scientist say that can happen) or I hardly ever dream……I don’t like the night but I like the day…..I don’t know if this is just me but this is some more stuff to add to the portion about sleep than just noises…..

    1. Interesting. I can relate to the firmness of the bed…I have a hard time sleeping unless at home. I need a soft bed. Thank you for giving us some insights into your challenges. Dreaming part…..could be you forget. My mother can’t remember her dreams, usually. Wishing you the best. Sam :)

  88. I am a female with Asperger’s and this article was right on. I’m recovering using Andrew Hall Cutler’s (PhD, Chemistry, Princeton, 1985) protocol for mercury detox on myself. I’ve come a long way. I can now look people in the eye, my emotions are much more stable, my sense of direction has improved and I am really close to feeling neurotypical. It has actually increased my IQ. I would recommend his book Amalgam Illness to anyone who has autism. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having autism, but it isn’t a comfortable way to live for /me/.

    1. That’s great news. I have undergone detox measures myself, including diet and far infrared sauna. I know mothers who have had huge success with their children using detox, as well. I feel very close to NT myself, although there are differences in my brain functioning, and how I process that I think are inherently part of who I am. :) Sam

  89. Sam, This is so interesting. I landed here searching for something else and after reading the traits: I was a little relieved because a lot of things that would take too long to describe suddenly kinda made sense. I started googling Aspergers and while this hub describes me to a “T.” A majority of websites I looked over listed these traits, but I wouldn’t have known what those might look like in someone by their behavior.

    This is a really great website. Thank you!

  90. This is the first post I’ve ever written. Thank you. I have been trying to “define” myself for so long. This sums it up. I have a 6 yr old daughter who I suspect is an aspie, but she is opposite of me (as a child) in many ways. She is the one that doesn’t raise her hand and is the baby in class and I was the one that raised my hand too much and was the teacher’s pet. I dominated play; she parallel plays. I was two grade levels above and she is roughly two below. I loved to read and write, but she doesn’t and I suspect she has dylexia. She has dexterity problems, as well as fine and gross motor delays. She has difficulty making friends. I can make friends, but have difficulty keeping them. We both have issues with spacial and depth perception. My daughter is tactile sensitive and has an issue with clothing, but puts everything on backwards, inside-out, etc. I don’t like touch either, but from people. I am very organized and precise in dressing and appearance (even though it takes me entirely too much time). Because of these differences, I never suspected myself as having aspergers. I am just now making a connection. The only thing that I don’t ‘have’ on your list, is the problem with jokes. I am always joking and am pretty quick-witted. Nothing goes over my head. Most of the time, it’s others who don’t get my jokes. I don’t know if I am, but if so maybe now I’ll finally get the appropriate help I need to feel “normal” or at least at peace with myself. I’m tired of searching…and tired of feeling ‘unsafe’. Thank you again.

    1. Thank you for sharing. That is interesting the contrast between you and your daughter. I can see some contrasts between my son and I, but then a lot of commonalities as well. I am quick-witted, too, but jokes go over my head, often. You are most welcome. We have a wonderful support group on facebook. The link is atop this blog. Best wishes to you. :)

  91. Thank you for your excellent post- I enjoyed every word! I’ve suspected for a while I may be an Aspie, but I couldn’t entirely relate to the more “masculine” sounding traits, if you will, and hearing about it from a female perspective really made me feel a lot more understood. Even if it is all in my head and I’m not really an Aspie, it was lovely to read something that I could relate to so personally!

    I just graduated from college, and I’m trying to figure out where to go from here… I’ve been living at home until I know what to do, and generally feeling even more out of place than usual since I’m off my usual academic routine, so it was really reassuring to me right now to know I’m not the only one that deals with stuff like that on a daily basis.

    1. You are most welcome. Thank you for your positive comment. :) You are certainly not the only one, and not alone. Best wishes to you. And again, thank you for taking the time to share and comment. :) Sam

  92. This is so disappointing – you have done such a good job in such a short space and it would be ideal for me to use with my young female students except for one, unfortunate, sentence which makes the whole text unusable.

    “I don’t believe you can have Aspergers without being highly-intelligent by mainstream standards.”

    IQ, in AS, covers the whole range from borderline Learning Disabled, to genius (currently you will be unlikely to get a diagnosis of AS with an IQ of under 70 but anything above that is consistent with the diagnosis) so you are excluding the vast majority of women with AS from your description in your first paragraph.

    While many AS women are highly intelligent, there are many who struggle or whose intelligence is hidden or unmeasurable, or who have suppressed “intelligence” due to their comorbids.

    The picture you give is consistent with very able AS women but this is not the only presentation and I cannot teach my students that it is
    :(

    1. Oh. Interesting. This was written for me, not for anyone else, and was never intended as a teaching tool. I had no idea many thousands would be reading my words. This is my list. How I feel. Take and leave what you wish. By intelligence, I do not mean IQ or school smarts. I mean abilities for complex thoughts and making complex connections. This can mean a F or D student is still intelligent. Perhaps you have misinterpreted my intention. Of course comorbid conditions affect what a person can do and how they perform. That is a given. Wish you the best of luck. Wasn’t meant to be used as a teaching tool, but with all things in life, perhaps there are parts you can use.

      1. I understand what you mean :) but someone else reading it may not – so it is unusable as a teaching tool which is a real shame; as I said, you have done a really good job in a very short space and it would be ideal for my young people.

        Most specially designed teaching tools are not, on the whole, appropriate to the people I work with. There is very little AS specific material available for young adults so I keep an eye on blogs and forums for anything I can use to stimulate discussion and self-awareness.

        There definitely parts I can use and ideas I can explore, I just can’t use it as a whole, so thank you and keep writing, you have a lot of good things to say and I do enjoy your blog.

      2. I understand exactly what you mean. IQ is not a particularly sensitive measure of intelligence. In fact, intelligence is very difficult to define altogether. Generally, we recognise the genius and the simpleton, but the grey area in the middle that most of inhabit is much harder to measure. Yes, an F or D student can still be intelligent. My son would often produce very interesting school work which was nonetheless marked as a ‘fail’ because it did not follow the narrow parameters which were expected of him. It takes an exceptional teacher to recognise potential in a person who thinks very differently to them.

  93. Very insightful. I’m curious, do you also feel the need to vent or rant about things you find highly illogical? Or matters of injustice? And do you have a difficult time understanding abstract language, as in, let’s say the language used by politicians or bureaucrats?

    1. I used to feel the need. Now I no longer do, and understand that everyone is on their own journey with their own idea of truth and reality. (see day one of this blog) Abstract anything is hard for me, especially math. I like words I can see in my mind. If I can’t…I usually can’t remember. Politicians in general are hard for me to listen to. lol

  94. A couple of years ago, my oldest daughter who’d returned to college in her mid-30’s, came home and announced that her sister and I had Aspergers. It made her feel better to think, being a bubbly, affectionate person, that there was a physical reason for our ‘cold’ behavior, so I let her think that. A bit of investigation into Aspergers, even an online Aspie test with a ‘yep, you’re one of us’ result, and I decided I’m really just an introvert like many in my dad’s family. My other daughter did a lot more investigation. Yesterday, she suggested I read about *women* with Asperger’s, and gave examples of her Aspie traits and how they impact her life at home and at work. She was sounding much like me, so I took her advice.

    Okay, this article describes me far too well. Guess I am one of ‘us’. It does explain a lot of my weirdnesses, physical, emotional, mental. I’m 58 and homebound with CFIDS, so don’t have to deal with the social aspects much at all anymore, enjoying the solitude, and that confuses the heck out of practically everyone else who feel sorry for me being trapped at home. Well, not the likely Aspie daughter; my behavior makes perfect sense to her, just like her coming home, saying hi, then disappearing to her room for the rest of the day makes sense to (and doesn’t offend) me. My husband is a very pragmatic person, accepting of what is and adjusting to it. Besides, he likes having an unusual family, always has.

    You’ve done a wonderful job illustrating the woman with Asperger’s. Thanks.

    1. Wow. What a very interesting, power-packed comment to read. Thank you much for sharing a part of your journey. I get that, about the homebound thing. I don’t mind being on the couch alone in my house for the day….and when I’m forced too, because of illness, there is less “guilt.” Although, after I get over my initial fear, I do enjoy the nature outdoors and the company of kind people. Best wishes to you. You sound very aware. ~ Sam

    2. Thank you for this comment! I also found a lot of myself in this post, and have wondered where the line between introvert and something else lies. I think focusing on the “why”s of the behavior makes a lot of sense when it comes to figuring out how we work internally.

  95. Thank you so so much for this incredibly insightful post! I have quite a complicated family situation and this post has really helped me begin to process my mother’s current and past behaviour.

  96. Your description is me. I am starting to understand myself more and I’m intrigued every time I find information about Aspergers/Autism. Imagine an small darkened box room, with no windows; no light; every piece of info I find that applies to me and explains events and feelings in my life seems to act like a window in that room… bright shards of light showing me who me is. I’m excited and I want to tell everyone: look at this new window, look! it’s me! I’m saddened when people who know me don’t want to know what I’ve learned about me; when they are cynical about my new revelations or they out and out dismiss my new insight out of hand.
    I have always had obsessions and the other day I made myself laugh when I caught myself dismissing my current thirst for explanations of why I am how I am, as just another obsession :-).
    Thank you so much for this post… this is me.

    1. Wonderful image you described. I understand the sadness of understanding or thinking people don’t want to know. Things people don’t understand scares them, and is not a reflection of you. Also, “different” sometimes scares other, even though we are all unique and alike. Obsession about self and “who am I”….I get that. :) Thanks for sharing.

  97. Finally someone who understands me. It gives me great comfort to know I am no longer a figment of my imagination. I appreciate your genius in this brilliantly honest blog!

  98. I feel like I could have written this. I haven’t been diagnosed (yet) with AS, but I’m pretty much convinced that I am aspie. I’m hoping to get tested soon, but until then I’ll keep trying to learn more about it and myself. Thanks for your great blog!

  99. Hey guys :) I’m 14 and both of my brothers have aspergers (16 and 11) I never felt like I fit in really, and I fit all of these descriptions! I knew I had a touch, but I really do have aspergers!

  100. This post means so much to me. It’s nice to know that the reason I’ve lived my whole life scraping by socially only by intently observing, analyzing, and then mimicking others’ behavior is because of a legitimate condition, and not just out of being a horrible, fake, empty person like I’ve always thought. I read your “About” page as well, and I really like your use of the word “actress” because that just sums up exactly how I’ve always gotten by, haha. (Do you ever feel like you shed one skin and put on a different one when you move from one setting to another? That’s how I’ve always put it to myself…)

    After reading yours and others’ accounts of living with Asperger’s as women, I’m as certain that I have it as I’m sure of my own name. But I wonder if that’s presumptuous, given that I’ve never been formally diagnosed (heck, I’ve never gotten examined for my PHYSICAL health, much less my mental health, even as a child).

    1. Thank you for sharing. I believe that whatever brings you peace and causes no harm to others is your answer. I find comfort in knowing other women understand my challenges and how I feel. Best wishes to you. :)

  101. This post absolutely resonated with me. It felt like you were writing my story. However, I have no clue if I am Aspergers. I always labled myself “sensitive” and “introvert” My home is my sanctuary. Wow. Thank you for this.

  102. I very much enjoyed this. I was diagnosed with Aspergers as a child, but my parents refused to “believe it,” so I never got to go to a socialization class and I never got the special help I needed in school (trying to be social). I was in advanced classes until high school, when I realized they were “lame.” In college I am still working on finding out who I am and what I want to be–went from film to philosophy to astronomy to geography back to film, to English, back to film…lol I just want to write stuff and have people read it! I have to ride the train to school, and the screeching kills me. People look at me when I cover my ears, and I’ve since stopped caring. I feel like this article has described the majority of my personality.

    1. I am sorry to read about your childhood experience. So little was known then about Aspergers, especially in girls. I hope that your parents had your best interest in mind, and that that was their motivation for not “believing” in it. My generation had no clue about Aspergers; I was raised without any intervention or awareness. I think in some ways, this made me very strong and wise. I have collected enough information about social skills in my mind to write a thousand page book…or longer. However, the pain of rejection and the loss of friends because of my behavior are hard wounds to heal. Thank you for sharing about yourself, and for taking the time to comment. I wish you the best.

  103. I could relate to what you said in your post but I don’t have asperger’s a lot of those similarities come from struggling with depression my childhood and young adult years due to trauma as a child. And I have bipolar disorder and adhd and still am getting over the trauma which makes me think and act like I have asperger’s because that post described me.

      1. Thanks, in your opinion do you think it’s possible to have similar characteristics with as Aspergers but don’t have and just display those characteristics because they are reacting to something they went through? Like how some kids after going through something traumatic act similarly to people with ADHD but they don’t have ADHD, they are just responding to the trauma they went through?

      2. Yes. And, I believe, many women with Aspergers find mates who have many aspergers traits. There is a lot of overlap with comorbid conditions and no “definite” definition of what Aspergers is or how it manifests. Post traumatic stress syndrome can cause sensory issues, avoidance behavior, and depression. So, indeed many, many “things” can “trigger” behaviors and emotions in others. :) Blessings ~ Sam

  104. At this point in my life, I’ve wondered many times if I have Aspergers, for several reasons. But all the time I’ve read about the “symptoms” found in boys and/or MEN, NOTHING ABOUT FEMALES!!!
    This is the first time I can really relate to something written about the “syndrome” and I’m absolutely convinced it has helped me. Because I feel almost everything you say, and I’m not alone.
    Thank you.

  105. One trait that I’ve read in many articles and blogs is a lack of empathy. The lack of empathy is described as a neurological thing.

    But I keep wondering if this lack of empathy stems from resentment, of not having a sense of belonging in the world, of being taken advantage of/ misunderstood/manipulated/humiliated, of being passed over for opportunities, and never having experienced success at anything.

    I heard one person say (I don’t remember who) that “success is like a vitamin”. Is it more difficult to feel empathy for others, when one is deprived of the “vitamin” of success, and the sense of connection and belonging? Can the history of an Aspie breed contempt and indifference?

    1. I think anything is possible for anyone. Your theory likely would fit some. I have found men and women with ASD to have extreme empathy. I believe it is masked behind our expressions which often appear aloof or uninterested, or our words that might be “incorrect” or “off topic,” or the nervous laughter or “wrong” smile. To know empathy, one must connect and get to know the others’ thoughts, not simply observe. Thank you for your comment. :)

  106. Yes thats exactly ‘it!’ Glad you wrote this. Finding the label that fits the traits you describe, finding out that perhaps it wasnt all ‘ocd’ or ‘bipolar’ or just ‘you’, that there is an autism spectrum encompassing verbal individuals who share these experiences – this discovery caused an extreme ‘polar’ amalgamation of feeling, of relief and devestation and i dont know if im happy or sad that others went through the hard parts just to be able to finally find and relate to the information. I dont know if its a comfort or a shame. Sincerely hope that you have had a very good life and that recognition of your talent has outweighed the difficulties. Not brilliant at this sorry. Thanks.

  107. Thank you so much, Sam. You’ve written this beautifully and the insights you share are a true gift to others. I have an 8 year old son with Aspergers, but the reason I’ve (fortunately) come upon your blog is because I’m researching for a novel. The main character is a 60 year old man with Alzheimer’s who is searching for his estranged son. Along the way he meets a 23 year old woman with Aspergers, and it’s only with her help that he achieves his goal.

    I have experience of dementia because I’ve worked for years in a mental health team for older people, and of Aspergers because of my son, but I really want to show a true representation of a woman with Aspergers. In many ways she is to be the hero of the story. I hope you won’t mind if I use your wonderful insights to help me develop the many layers of her character.

    Kind regards, Manusha

  108. That was beautifully written and it was actually scary how much I can relate. I am 15 years old and I have never been diagnosed but I am most likely an aspie.

  109. Sam,
    I probably won’t see your reply cause I am just browsing around today but I wanted to thank you. I am a 25 YO Aspergian male diagnosed recently, I inherited from my dad (he and my brother don’t know they have it, they do), Your writing is a perfect fit on my mother, my wife, and one of my sisters. I grew up in an inverted dynamic with 2 of 5 children being ‘normal’ and I think the rest of us are all on the high end of the spectrum (this seems to hold with about 50% of my extended family as well). I think the familial pervasiveness may cause us to perceive ourselves as normal and seek out others like ourselves from the majority ‘crazy’ population. lol
    I thank you for:
    making me laugh, making me cry, making me remember all of my pain and showing me that you found contentedness through yours.
    the last few years have been difficult (moving out, attempting to integrate, getting diagnosed and realizing I was the odd one) and you have given me a lot of hope. Hope that one day soon I will find myself under all of my created projections, and maybe even share that person with someone.

    1. Of note * I was not implying that I think I am crazy or that those with Aspergers are, just that I think everyone else must be crazy to be able to instinctively incorporate the sheer volume of social cues and rules required in this world.

  110. Can you have Aspergers and not have the executive issues? I’m very organized, but I’ve always said it was in self-defense (I have a messy family). Holding a conversation is a major challenge, besides, what goes on in my head is so much more interesting than anything going on outside. I feel like I jump from job to job and hobby to hobby. I related to almost everything in this post, but then worry I’m just a hypochondriac…

    1. I am very well organized. My “excutive functioning” is hard in areas of what to do first, decision making (best route, best choice). Ah…yes…I worried I was a hypochondriac for years. You may be sensitive, or have some traits of ASD but not all, or have ASD. It is a hard diagnosis to pin down, and few professionals know much about the female experience with ASD. You might consider picking up some books on the topic. Best wishes to you. And thank you for taking the time to comment. :)

      1. It seems the executive functioning problems that many of us have are the traits that cross over with those of ADHD. I read somewhere that many girls and women get more of those ADHD traits the more they try to compensate. This was something I had thought, myself, before even reading that. I have a brother with ASD and he does not have those problems and I think the reason is that he is “allowed” to be on the autism spectrum and does not have to try to be like other people. Whereas with me I’m supposed to be normal and have been on a self-improvement campaign since the first grade. While all this compensating may make others feel better I think it causes more anxiety on myself and makes my executive functioning worse.

      2. Yes, there are many comorbid conditions, and it is hard to say which is which or what led to what. You make a good point about expectations and behavior. :) thank you for sharing.

  111. I can’t find the comment above I was thinking of, but it was something about empathy. I don’t believe people with ASD lack empathy. The problem is *processing* empathy — processing any feelings at all. Or processing anything! It’s like there’s no incoming filter. Everything, everything just gets dumped in your mind all at once and you can’t sort through it because it’s way too much, so overwhelming.

    Also, just want to bring up (I read this post a while ago so I don’t remember if you mentioned it — I don’t think so) do you think people on the spectrum are more prone to Synesthesia? (I have it.)

    1. Yes. I have Synesthesia (spelling?) and so do some others with ASD I have spoken to. Also, I’d say 99% of the women I have met with ASD or ASD traits are very empathetic, almost to a fault. Part of the lack of empathy mistruth is based on the lack of facial expression (e.g., smile or frown at appropriate time) that makes others believe a person on the spectrum doesn’t care. I didn’t realize I frowned so much until this year. And what a difference a smile makes in expression. Thanks for your thoughts. :)

  112. Hi, thank you for writing this. Its very helpful. I’m just wondering what you would recommend for women trying to get diagnosis? I went in for an initial screening and told the professional I had a strong suspicion I have Aspergers. I tried to give her examples of why, but because I didn’t compare to the male symptoms she said she is on the fence about it. She thinks I have social anxiety and ADD. I tried to explain to her that women’s symptoms show up different. She just kept reverting back to the fact that she’s worked with many AS individuals before and I am not showing the signs.
    Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you.

    1. Hi. You might consider joining our facebook support group; link listed atop this blog. This is a very common challenge. Professionals know little to nothing about the female ASD symptoms. Some support group members have print out my list or suggested the professional go to my blog. It is hard everywhere (many states and places) to find someone who understands your challenges and how they present themselves. I wish you the best. Another option is calling professionals and asking if they have experience with ASD, but that can be stressful. ~ Sam :)

      1. Thank you for your reply. This is helpful, and you are right. The professional I talked to said I have ‘social anxiety’. Its so hard to explain the depths of that anxiety, especially when the screening questions are set up in such a way the conversation never even goes there. She also didn’t write down the extra information I tried to give her. I wanted to ask her if she has researched anything in neuroscience or Tony Atwood on the differences of female and male brains, but I was too flustered at that time. I will see what she has to say on Monday. And I will look for your group on FB. Thank you!

  113. This is really informative and as a young adult female with Asperger’s, this really puts a lot of things in perspective for me. Thank you for taking the time to write it and help other people who maybe don’t understand why their child acts a certain way. I wish my parents would take the time to read stuff like this.

  114. I am sure you would both benefit from seeing this movie. The TV History Channel series on The Men who Built America is also a very good resource for homeschooling, or just learning things about our country you may not have put together in this way.

  115. It’s scary how true it is for me…..I’ve stumbled across this as am trying to search about why I am a certain way. I am literally in shock!

  116. A beautifully written article. It has taken me a long time to realise why I find certain things so difficult, whilst others take them for granted. On the whole, I’m happy being me, but I can’t help wishing my son didn’t have AS traits. Watching him going through hardships and knowing that there is nothing I can do to make things right is far worse than anything else I’ve experienced. I think, had I known the reason for my problems earlier in life, I might have decided not to have children.

    1. The best to you. I do feel there are things I can do for my son, everything I wish others had done for me. I allow him a lot of downtime at home, homeschool, talk about how his brain works, let him talk for an hour straight, etc. You have more power to help than I think you know. I do understand the pain, too, and wishing. Hugs, Sam

  117. Back in my day, I was know as just weird and controlling and a social moron…My 11 year old daughter has just been diagnosed with Aspergers and she is my mirror image…sensitive, good, loving, intelligent and absolutely incredibly attentive to detail…she is so unique and wonderful and i will read your blog to her so that she will understand what a gift she is. Thank you

    1. Oh, this makes me so very happy for you and your daughter. I am sorry for your past pains. I was hyper, unfocused, unable to occupy self when finishes work early, goofy, etc. I’m so glad your daughter has you as her guide and protector. Thank you for sharing. :) Sam

  118. You have spoken my language. I am recently diagnosed and feel a sense of relief and a tool to finally empower myself. This has a name now.

  119. I would like to ask your permission to copy this information, in an email with attribution, for someone who does not have reliable access to high-speed internet. It would be a great help to this person.

  120. I cried when I read this. I thought it was just me. I’m not sure what to think now. Part of me wants everyone I know to read it, and for me to say ‘See, this is how I feel constantly!’ But I’m worried it will give them a ‘go to’ reason as to why I’m wrong or have interpreted something wrong. Even when at the times I know I’m not wrong – yet have no tangible evidence for it, I just feel it.
    I’ve always thought my differences made me stronger and more able than others – despite anxiety. Not to dismiss the anxiety as it does rule my life at times. But not always.
    I’m left thinking what now? What next? Is it a good thing I know this? How did I get to thirty not knowing this? Could so much of the heartache been avoided or treated properly or differently if I had known this? Could I have made different choices?
    I’m not sure what to do with this information. Sorry for all the questions. What did you do next?

    1. I can’t remember if I responded to your question or not. Please know you are not alone in these feelings. There is a facebook support group listed at the side of this blog. I think I might try to write a post about this soon. I had all the same questions. Please know you are still the same person you were before you read the post. You are still strong and bright and lovely. It is just some processing you are experiencing. Please know too that I am not an “expert” and this list is not meant for diagnosis. I hope you are doing okay, and sorry to have caused you any troubles. Much love ~ Sam

    2. I was close to tears when I read it too and parts made me gasp. I just thought how on earth does she know that. Have been to shrinks and therapists but never experienced anyone with this level of insight into what life is like for me. Thanks.

  121. Is it okay to have a few more questions? Sorry. I’m questioning have I put myself in the most difficult environment possible? Or are my choices typical? So to explain, perhaps laughably I am a Human Resourses professional and have dedicated my career to trying to perfect the skills to do with human interaction. And have been quite successful in a way. Ive studied NLP, Coaching, and many other areas that help to decipher behaviour. 7 Habits by Covey is my ‘bible’ that I refer to constantly. I’ve deliberately chosen place of work that are sales based – I’m surrounded by social experts all day long and learn from them. They can be a great comfort as they help me socially – they love to talk and I have perfected being a good listener – learning exactly what I need to be doing as a good ‘active listener’. That may sound cold, but I don’t mean it to. I care deeply about my work colleagues, perhaps too much which can lead to me becoming emotionally exhausted. I actually feel what they feel, is that right? This lack of empathy trait is confusing me as I’ve always thought I’ve had too much. However, it has occurred to me that maybe I have put myself in the worst environment possible, because when I’m exposed I’m really exposed due to the lack of Even a normal spectrum of social aptitude. Maybe in a different environment I would experience far less anxiety. Not sure what the answer is or what to do next.

  122. Everything in section #4 fits me! I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, I hold pencils “incorrectly”… It was amazing to learn that having Aspergers has an affect on these things!

  123. Thank you for this blog post. My daughter (14) has asperger’s, and I think having her read this post will help her to realize she’s not alone. The scary thing is, until I read this post, I never stopped to think about my own self and how hard growing up was and how hard things can be even now. Reading your post was like reading my own soul.

    1. I love those words so much: “Your post was like reading my own soul.” Thank you; that means a whole lot to me. I am also so very happy in my heart to know I might be able to help you and/or your daughter in some way. hugs, Sam

  124. you literally hit the nail on the board with a lot of the things you listed here… i was diagnosed with anorexia/orthorexia/major depression at 12, social anxiety disorder at 14 and apsergers syndrome at 15. Now Im 17 and life is really hard/lonely but im working through it to improve it and make it better… thank you for your descriptions of the developmental disorder, it was very concise and helpful, and im glad other people can relate! Also, did you know some of the people considered the most intelligent in history were suspected to have aspergers? such as albert einstein, thomas jefferson, bill gates, ben franklin, motzart, george orwell, beethoven, thomas edison, mark twain, henry ford and jane austen? it seems kind of special now because you know at least you have high intelligence!

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. You sound very self-aware for your age. I hope that your awareness will help you. We have a support group for females 18 and over on Facebook, when and if you are interested. Yes, indeed, I do believe some of the geniuses of the world had or have Aspergers. :)

  125. Thank you so much for this list. As a 15 year old Aspies girl, I’m constantly in trouble with myself. One thing I’ve learnt is to have someone you can depend on for help, whether it be a mother, an understanding and supportive lover or even a lifelong bestfriend. It took me so long to learn that people aren’t against you. As much as it may feel. There is always someone in your life that will help you.
    I never understood love until I understood myself.

    1. I am so glad you are understanding yourself! Also so happy to hear that you know to turn to someone who loves you and that you have people who love and support you. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.

  126. I am reading this blog trying to gain insight into my male coworker so that we can work well together – but mre than a few items on this list sound like myself! Is it possible to have asperger traits but not actually be an aspie? I would not care if I was but I do believe I have very good “normal” communication skills and the ability to highly function at an executive level (but then again maybe I don’t! Maybe I have just slapped together some very very good coping mechanisms!). I get along VERY well with people who are wired differently because on some level I think I can relate or I myself am wired differently but have found ways to cope.

    I am very coordinated but I remember clearly that I was very slow to develop my skills. I do have good muscle tone, I do not have eating issues. However, learning to do basic things was highly difficult (e.g. tying shoe laces or learning to drive). I had to figure out ways to teach myself how to learn…even though I am pursuing my doctorate (after many years away from academia), I still have a different approach that often gets me into trouble with the methodologists. They say I am “too bright” – which could be a code for something. The really big thing is not knowing what normal is and so I constantly have to ask my friends to tell me if I am approaching something correctly. How would I look into this further?

    I love to do social things but I often have high anxiety over the interpersonal relationships and people games (I dont want to participate) that are probably very normal. I am often energized by social outings but on occasion I do want to go into a cocoon for several days to recover.

    Thank you!

    1. Thank you for commenting and sharing about your life. Do you have a voice in your head constantly reminding you how to act? Did you do and say inappropiate things often when you were younger? Why do you love social things? These would be the key questions I would ask you, if we were to meet. I know I have Aspergers… I don’t want to go out in public, but I love people an the intellectual stimulation. It’s difficult to know. Perhaps read some more books on the subject. Best wishes to you. :)

  127. I’m 62 and only found out that I have Aspergers 2 days ago. I came across this site this morning and when I read it burst into tears. My husband tried to console me and I had to tell him I was crying with relief. I felt I was reading all my inner feelings. Thing I’ve even tried to deny, I saw there in front of me. I’m still coming to terms with this. Thank you

  128. Thank you so much for sharing! As I read this I couldn’t help but cry! This is me to a T! Something that I’ve struggled with I’ve over come! Like paying bills! Now if I don’t take care of it asap on or before payday I feel like my life is out of control! I feel so blessed to finally have answers to why I am the way I am! I too want to print this out to my family and friends to let them know how I am and why I stifle in many different areas!

    Thanks again!
    Toni

  129. Where do I start….
    I found myself on this page because I followed a link on a discussion about being bipolar on the facebook page Being Bipolar.
    Being curious, I read this list.
    I did not expect to be able to relate to almost every single item on this list.
    This is honestly mind-blowing.
    I feel at once extremely relieved and also a little bit overwhelmed that all this time no one ever told me or even thought to wonder if I were an Aspie Girl. I wish they had; it would have made things make more sense to me.
    But, here I am. And I just want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
    This honestly feels like it has changed my life.

  130. many years ago i had a relationship with a girl, we were both teenagers. she could not understand humour . She never talked about the past. never really told me anything that she had done.. One night we were in a club and she went to the bathroom and completely dissappeared for two hours . turns out she had been with some guy . End of relationship !!.Strange thing was the fact that i was worried searched for her did not even enter her head . do you think she had aspergers?

    1. I couldn’t say. You never know. There are other conditions that could present themselves and cause this type of behavior: personality disorders and narcissism come to mind. It is a toss up…could be many possible things, or just the type of person she is/was. Aspergers usually includes a lot of over-sharing and talking….so the fact that she didn’t share about her past or what she did, makes me think no. But that’s a pure guess. Thanks for the comment. Best wishes. Sam :)

  131. I am 61 years old and have known most of my life that I was unique in many ways when comparing myself to others. It has only been this last year all the pieces have fallen into place. My son is very much like me, and while searching the internet for information to help him, began to realized all the Asperger traits suited me much better than him. At first I just refused to believe. But because information and learning are things I enjoy was drawn to read on :) I don’t just have a few of the traits, I have most all the traits. So much of my life makes sense now, all the social situations I have dreaded, my home being my sanctuary, few friends, never feeling like I fit in, and so on. In some ways it is a relief to know. Now I am just confused about whether I should seek a diagnosis and I don’t really know how to go about it. Can’t help but feel I might not be taken seriously at my age.

    1. thank you very much for sharing Liz. Always a pleasure to hear others’ experiences and learn a bit about another’s life. I wish you the very best; feel free to join our facebook support group page; some ladies there choose to seek out a diagnosis and others do not. Take care xo Sam

  132. Wow…I am 64 years old and just recently discovered the reason for my difficult life. Aspergers. So many memories of my past are daily explained. I am discovering that I am not a complete misfit, bad person or all the horrible things that have been said about me. I have been bullied from childhood. I have retired from owning a successful business and have retired in comfort due to my compulsive saving and compulsive work ethic..ha ha to my neurotypical friends who will work til death. I worked for myself. Working with others with the gossip, office politics left me out in another world. Life has been hard, counseling, medication (that never worked) yes, cognitive thinking skills, much pain and always on another planet, never “fitting” in. I am still working through this knowledge of Aspergers. But, at least now I have some answers. And yes, I did attempt suicide when I was a young adult. One counselor asked how many times I have been married. Once, now for over 40 years to a incredible man with the patience of Job. He is my hero
    Mothers love your children, my mother could not love me and that pain never goes away.
    Your blog is me…

    1. Blessings of light to you for all of your suffering and happy claps for your discovery! I am so pleased you are finding answers. My Bob has the same patience. I am quite lucky, as you sound to be, too. “Your blog is me” Your words touched my heart. Thank you very much xo Sam

  133. Thank you so much for this post. Every single point you made resonated with me so much that it brought me to tears. I’ve been struggling with these things for years, but I don’t know how to fix myself. At least now I know that there could be something wrong, something other than my own weird head!

  134. My 5 year old son was just diagnosed with Aspergers and I also have sensitivities to sound, touch, smells. After reading this I truly believe I am an Aspie too. But my husband and Mum both think I’m not. But reading your list – that’s me. You’ve described so many facets of me. Thank you. I will share thus with them. I know they won’t believe me but I will feel better anyway. Thanks

  135. I just read my life story ;) yet I have never been officially diagnosed. My son is going through the process of being diagnosed now.

      1. We finally got back the diagnoses, due to changes in the DSM they no longer will be recognizing Aspergers as an official diagnoses. The new diagnoses will classify everything as Autism Spectrum Disorder which is supposed to help streamline the diagnostic process and give more help to those on the high functioning end of the spectrum. His diagnoses therefore has been changed to high functioning Autistic. Hopefully he will get the help he needs now, however I will now start the long road of figuring out my on diagnoses, when I have I will then discuss with my son what he has so he does not feel alone. For the last 11 years he has lived with what we thought was ADHD and for the last 35 years I have delt with my own private hell not knowing there were others like me and that there is a name and a reason I have felt like an “alien” on this planet. It’s bitter sweet but I am so happy we finally will bling somewhere :)

      2. Thank you for the update. Yes the name of the condition is changing, but the aspects and challenges remain the same. I am so happy you feel as if you belong… isn’t it a marvelous feeling. Blessings. :)

  136. I feel like I’m reading my autobiography. Everything I could never place into words, all on one page. Instead of trying to explain to others what is going on in my head, I will just direct them to your blog. I have felt out of place for so long.

  137. Thank you so very very much for posting this. I read your words and they sang to me. I am 30 with two boys ages 7 and 11. My younger son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS just before his 3rd birthday. My older son is just starting the process of being screened for Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve known I was different but I’ve been so focused on my kids that I never put two and two together until now. My whole world makes sense now. Genetics don’t lie. I come from an entire family of autistics and it’s no wonder that my home is the only place I feel like it’s OK to be me. I took a 200 question test……my score was 181. I’m making an appointment to get it made official but this much I already know for certain in the depths of my heart…I’m an Aspie. Thank you again Sam for your insight!!!!

  138. Wow, I tried reading all the talk backs – but got a bit overwhelmed.
    In am a 32 years old female,a self-diagnosed aspie . As simple as you wrote – I always knew I am different but couldn’t find the right words to in which way I am different (and of course at some point just wanted not to be different).
    I was diagnosed as gifted when I was 10, the physiological staff decided to put me in gifted class rather than advance me to higher age group because I had social problems (sorry about the incoherence – I am not a native English speaker). Even as child I was very aggressive on the one hand, including a tendency to use physical violence and on the other hand i was very sensitive and had (and still ..) a low threshold for crying .
    Since in the gifted class there was a 25-75 ratio of females-males I somehow thought I don’t get along with girls,nowadays I know that there are so many ppl in this world and that girls can be awesome in their perspectives (and even in the over-talking about other people’s problems :P), but it took me lots of time and effort to get there (how the heck do people meet other people is a mystery to everybody). Even though my greatest intellectual conversations are with males.
    As a child I was a true escape artist – I just never understood why should I be somewhere if it makes me feel distressed, even nowadays I prefer part-time jobs (programmer and data analyst) so I won’t get lost in a cycle of rationalizing being in place just in order to be there.
    As ‘unfortunate’ as it may sounds, one of the most helpful things are the recreational escapes – THC and alcohol are my favorites, it lowers the consciousness of everyone and THC in particular made me feel less weird, since everyone are much more understanding and it is somehow OK to make mistakes.
    I have so many things to write, since usually I just talked with myself about all my problems and tried to make sense of it all. My greatest non-understanding was the way my father’s death (when I was 17) affected me – and it was a classic emotions-rationalism conflict, I knew it’s alright to be sad but I had no idea how to deal with it and as being accustomed to be alone, I just escaped there, because it felt like no one can understand all of my cycles and thoughts , and it felt so artificial trying to explain myself to others, though somehow luckily I had 2-3 close friends.
    Even though I kind’of mastering computers in the last 14 years b4 that I was just afraid of them, same goes with driving, it was difficult – but I liked the benefits a whole lot.
    I just hope that aspie diagnose will become more accepted, so I (and others) will be able to do my special things without all the hassles of ppl expecting me to be kind, accepting and understanding (as society somehow expect females to have more communications skills). Usually I know how to use my skills and when other’s will do a better job (with my research sometimes…). My boss is sometimes saying things like – why can’t you be as nice as…. – I don’t want that – everyone has different set of resources – so I know that being nice decreases my cognitive abilities and I prefer to get the job done and leave the politics to the politicians. Of course it would be wonderful to get more appreciation – a thing that with my limited social tolerance became a big issue. But self appreciation is also great – seeing my ideas becoming real makes me smile a lot.
    Thank you for this place – I will be more than happy to share more.

    1. Thank you for your comment and for sharing part of your life and journey. I am certain some one will read your words and find comfort in knowing they are not alone. I appreciate you taking the time to give me a look into your life and experience. I wish you much light and love. Sam

  139. Thanks for this…am 34 and last year my 4 year old son was diagnosed with Aspergers. After learning the hereditary links, I immediately looked at this father and his side of the family where is evidence of Aspergers. I never looked to myself…until yesterday when it hit me. I am an aspie…and it’s just shocking. I am an aspiring author…in fact I think books are my escape..amongst others. I am multi-skilled and philosophical…am always looking for patterns and connections to things because that’s the only way things make sense. It means am great at strategic planning and project management. i LOVE spending time alone…am at my best…and the world is a beautiful place in my solitude. I am also very awkward socially VERY!…and my best friend is extremely social…so I basically “hide” behind her. I wish I had realised before that I am aspie because then…I would have recognized a fellow aspie and never had that relationship. I feel responsible for my son’s situation….and am drowning in self blame. Am now wondering..can I risk having any more children then? Am still single and I love kids…but the thought of marriage doesn’t always appeal to me because I so cling to the solitude. It just hit me though that I would need to find a partner with a similar personality to my best friend of 19 years….and that should work…shouldn’t it? :-)….I have all these thoughts running through my mind but am grateful to God that I now know.

    1. Thank you for sharing. What a journey. Lots of processing going on for you, yes? I am glad you are connecting the dots and finding some answers. I hope you can make peace with your past choices and future choices. You are exactly where you are meant to be. In Peace and Love ~ Sam

  140. This blog is spectacularly insightful. I’m currently researching Asperger’s for a novel I’m writing and so far (after a year of research) this is the resource that provides the most understanding and empathy for me. I feel like I’m finally starting to properly understand. Thank you for taking the time to post these brilliant articles.

  141. “Our sensitivity might expand to being highly-intuitive of others’ feelings, which is a paradox, considering the limitations of our social communication skills.”
    These are the words that helped me accept the fact that it might be possible I have aspergers. I didn’t believe it before, because I thought being an Aspie means you have no idea what others are feeling. I know what they are feeling. My best friend, (male), the man I love, I can sense every emotion he feels. I read your post about your husband, and it is exactly the way I feel about my friend. He is kind and sensitive, the most accepting person I know. I can sense what he is feeling.

  142. So glad you posted this. I only very recently even considered I might have Asperger’s. I always knew something was off, but had no vocabulary for it. For years I’ve wondered why a single task (as you write, like grocery shopping) could seem so exhausting–all the little steps involved! Or why I wanted so much to be social but lacked the skills to really hold my own in a conversation unless it was about some intense and philosophical. That list goes on. Anyway, I’m finally beginning to understand it all and it’s incredibly liberating. Thank you again!

  143. Hello there,

    I was thrilled to come across your blog, such that I ended up forwarding a link to it to people I felt your information would have benefited. Your description of ‘traits’ fits my persona perfectly (I am diagnosed AS, and my middle son lives with HF autism), but I have always had great difficulty understanding where my own sense of empathy comes from; you, like me seem very empathetic. A part of me has wondered whether my diagnosis might be incorrect, since I feel able to empathise. My problem can often be that I lack compassion merely because I don’t feel a persons upset is without a specific agenda, and if I can predict that agenda (a form of empathy), I then cannot be sympathetic, but I do empathise. I can see past upset and theorise where it is ‘really’ coming from, and if I act upon that, my words can make it seem as though I am just being paranoid or OTT. However, I have wondered whether my sense of empathy is out of sync with the traditional sense of empathy, i.e. when I sense something is wrong with a person, I could be wrong about it, etc. I tend to feel very forthright in my theory of mind models, and often cannot be told that I am wrong about what I sense, and I suppose although I feel as though I have had enough practise and confirmation that my predictions are true, I am also so very isolated, so I have to speculate that perhaps I haven’t as much experience as I think I have around other, and therefore my empathy might require calibrating.

    If it is the case that I am right about my own empathy, then how is it that one can be empathetic and diagnosed with Aspergers? I occasionally wonder if my diagnosis relates more to HSP, although only where empathy, rather than compassion is concerned. Do you see where I am coming from? I’d love to know what you thought, so that it might help me understand myself better.

    Melanie

    1. You sound JUST like ME. Females with Aspergers have empathy; the hundreds I have spoken too have intense empathy. We learn through our own pain and experience, so we really connect. Things we haven’t experienced are harder to understand. And we analyze to get to the root of the cause, which makes us appear more logical than sympathetic. I could have wrote what you wrote. We have a support group listed at the side of this page. Feel free to join us. Hundreds of empathetic women there. Thank you for your words and knowledge. :) Light and Love ~ Sam

      1. I relate to almost everything in your post. Can you email me? For years I’ve never known what’s wrong but lately everything seems so much more intense. Like I can’t handle anything. I can’t handle the slightest change in anything. I’ve been so snappy and just ill… like a meltdown: but one that won’t go away and I’ve been this way almost a week now where I finally sought to see what’s going on.
        My son is h-f asd. And 6 other things… I’m guessing now that he got it from me but I need some help. In don’t know where to turn to get a proper doctor or diagnosis. And if I did what can they do to help. Please let me know any info you have or just talk to me for peace of mind

  144. My best friend of 53 years asked me 2 years ago if I thought I had Aspergers. I had no clue at the time what that was. I’ve done a lot of research since then and boy, have I been blown away by all that I’ve found out. My friend knew I was an Aspie because she was one too. I have sought explanations for years for my awkwardness among the normal people in life. I knew I struggled with bipolar all my life and with ADD but this was like adding the finishing puzzle pieces to me. I also struggle with many auto immune illnesses such as fibromyalgia, OA, Sjogrens Syndrome, just to name a few. But the anxieties I have felt not understanding this other side of me has been bewildering until now. It has caused great conflict within my marriage, and within my family as I was growing up and as I was raising my own children. I also have adult children who are Aspies. It has been very difficult for all of us to get along. With my husband finally accepting that I have Aspergers, and as well as some of our children, he is able to understand the nature of our struggles and can eventually put to rest his resentments.
    My husband was the one who found your blog, in his research, about women with Aspergers. He recommended this particular one to me to read. Thank you so much for putting these traits together. It really explains what I have been experiencing my entire life. I have often thought I could write a book about my life experiences and what I’ve learned but I never knew from which aspect, but knowing I’m an Aspie and have learned a lot on the subject, I may know now which way I want to turn. Amazing what we have gone through because of this, isn’t it?

  145. Hi Sam!
    I’ve never been diagnosed with anything neither apserger or giftedness, but it’s been three years that i know an asperger male who’s actually my friend, and that is so weird…like we get along pretty easily, we understand each other without any difficulty (in some ways), but we are so opposit. I am a male too, but i’ve always known my brain was a female one, though i am still interested in females.
    I am just 95% what you said in this page. This is the first time i see something so close to me, and i can tell, i have been to many web sites that treated giftedness (i am french so i mostly visited french ones) and seen so many things about aspies, yet nothing close to me enough to tell me: ok that is you!
    But while checking the existence of female asperger just to know if a girl friend was, reading the asperger traits of Rudy and then this amazing page just made me realize i was, and i am a male….This is so weird…
    I have thought a lot about something that is Asperger, but not male, and i ended up writing many pages about that. Asperger wasn’t the word i used to name it, but hyperemotional. I think it is a mistake to use Apserger as it only relates to males. Females are extremely different so we have to see it from a female point of view, just to make things clear and show there are two very distinct types.
    So what about males with “female Asperger”? I hope to see something released about it.

    Thank you for all your work this is so interesting!! :)

  146. Do you mind if I feature some of your writings here on my youtube blog? I am just starting a blog for personal thoughts and also education for people on aspergers syndrome. What you have written is beautiful and would be helpful.

    1. Hi Kassy, thank you for your inquiry. What I ask is that people use a small portion of my writing, like one to two paragraphs, listing my name, blog, link and then refer people back to my blog. I do not wish people to use my complete works, ( a post, a story, etc.) as I consider that copyright infrigement. I appreciate you contacting me and being considerate, and appreciate your kind words. Let me know if you use a portion. Best wishes. :)

  147. That has been an education. :)
    Nice to have read so much about it and I souhld tell you that I can understand most if it being a bit dyslexic but I’m in safe hands. :)

  148. I’ve translated this article in French, so could I publish my french translation as I share your article in Facebook.

    Thanks for your answer

    Nadine

  149. I translated your article in French, so could I publish my French translation as I Share this article.

    Thanks for your answer

    Nadine

  150. I love that you mentioned “Tasks that others take for granted, can cause us extreme hardship.” This is true beyond belief. If I could overcome at least HALF of what others seem to take for granted, I’d get a job waiting tables the next day – and make some good tips! Instead, I hide in cubicles where I feel I can do the least damage. But I AM active with community theater – I don’t do too much damage there. ;) Thanks.

    1. Oh yes….I think about that every day. Just finding my keys, balancing my purse with another item, using my computer, figuring out how to print photos, pulling into a parking spot. Everything takes effort.

  151. I just read this for the first time and was amazed at how much this describes me, as well. (A couple of my granddaughters have been diagnosed, and I had previously thought they inherited this from their grandfather, but now I’m seeing we both had many of these traits, so they got a double whammy!) You have opened my eyes to my own challenges, naming them and enlightening me. I was diagnosed with OCD years ago, and Executive Function Disorder. I have always been awkward and clumsy, with difficulty knowing where my body was in time/space. I’m on medication for anxiety, and have Sensory Processing deficits. Add on many failed relationships, and many jobs where I did well, but couldn’t relate to others I was working with. Your writing this list has reached out to me in a way nothing else has. A million thank you’s!

  152. This describes me SO much! I knew something was wrong since I was kid. My husband and I are in a state of transition he’s hoping to go back into preaching full time and I’ll be a preachers wife again. When that happens I’m going to seek out a doctor who can recommend me to someone that can diagnose me definitively.

    In list order here is what I’ve dealt with and dealing with
    1. Slow motor skills, I was 10 when I finally learned to tie my shoes, even now zippers are difficult, and I prefer buttons or snaps. Velcro is definitely a lifesaver. I wear flip flops (I live in FL.) year round because they’re easy slip on and off.

    2. I hate anything that is scratchy, I almost flip out if I have an itchy tag, I put so much Downy on our clothes they’re soft for me but my husband said they’re too weird feeling. I even wear my underwear inside out if it isn’t tagless so that the tag doesn’t touch me. I wear cotton shirts and jeans or yoga pants so much more comfortable.

    3. I can drive, I have trouble spatially though at lights I always stop too far back. I also always had trouble with colors getting them wrong, so I have to remember red on top, green on bottom. When I travel I get nervous without my gps and if no one is in front of me when I stop at lights. If traffic is too heavy I freak out because I get too anxious.

    4. I hate social situations, I actually will skip going to gospel meetings at other congregations because I’m in a don’t mess with me mood where I just don’t want to meet anyone. I’m okay with my home congregation because I know people there and they know I’m “awkward”. My husband was a full time preacher and people got used to my weirdness he’s hoping to go back into preaching so I am anxious about adjusting back to that. I hate making eye contact. I avoid talking on the phone with strangers I make my husband call the pizza or now I just place my order online. I also can’t make out faces like expressions, I know faces just not what they’re conveying.

    5. Speech wise I talk one way, either fast or too slow. Always monotone, I also have trouble knowing what to say, because I’ll do something and not realize its bad until after I’ve done it. Or I’ll say something and not know its mean until I get yelled at or someone starts crying. I also feel like I hit a brick wall sometimes when I try to talk like I don’t know what to say, and it irritates me. Like I said I have trouble with colors so when I’m trying to say what color an item is I’ll blank out and say the wrong color. I don’t mean to but I am a master manipulator and faker I can say something just to make people happy and I’m trying to control it and be more real.

    5. I was the one that followed people blindly, and I had imaginary friends the one I talked to the most was Ace, he was my best friend. My friends were as weird as me and I got involved in situations because I was so naive. I’m smarter now than I was and I’ve got an awesome husband who is trying to understand me.

    6. I’m in the top 10th percentile mentally, I was writing and reading at a 12th grade level when I was 12. I got in trouble for reading adult books at 11, like Stephen King and VC Andrews. I can do excellent in everything but math. I am a poet, writer, and artist sometimes. I use big words and my imagination at 26 still runs wild. I do start daydreaming without realizing it. I also relate so well to music I have songs all the time in my head and songs I relate to. I find solace in reading and immersing myself in books.

    7. I want people to accept me and understand me, and it is so hard because I feel so out of touch sometimes. I am so grateful for my husband even though I take things so literally, it annoys him. I can go off on tangents without realizing it for hours and he just listens. I get mad over things, that shouldn’t make any difference.

    8. I like order, and patterns. My laundry is in a certain order when I do the washing. My glasses and plates are in a certain order. If someone (my mom in law who lives with us now) messes up my order I blow up and freak out. I hate when my car keys go missing if they are not in the basket by the door. When we move the pictures are marked and labeled for each room so they can go back to where they belong in the new house. I use star stickers :D My clothes are in an order and right now they’re not and it causes my anxiety.

    9. I suffer from petit mal seizures that are not epilepsy, it goes along with my anxiety disorder. If I get stressed I seize and I can’t take meds they make me a zombie. I also have stage 4 endometriosis and fibromyalgia. I know when my hormones act up my weirdness increases.

    I know this is a long comment but this article helped me so much understand what I’m going through and I read it and said that’s me. Its self diagnosed right now but I hope to get an official diagnosis.

  153. thankyou for posting this blog it has convinced me more than ever that i too have aspegers syndrome but i really dont know how to approach my doctor or even if i should?

  154. I feel about 80% of this post applies to me, I have bookmarked it to show my boyfriend as so much of this is hard to place in words when I begin to describe how I feel. Thank you for sharing this.

  155. Wow. All I can say is OMG I fit all of that to a T! This is all new to me…I’m 51 but have never felt so at home with a list of specifics…Makes me want to cry with relief…All this from stumbling on Mozart and the Whale…
    Thanks again for putting that out there!

  156. i’m not sure if you’ll see this sam! but thank you! i have a ten year old daughter who is really struggling in life right now i have two son’s who are older one with autism and the oldest show aspegers traits and i have been struggling with my daughter needs as it seems so different from the boys… and looking and reading your artical ( sorry about the spelling!) yo’ve had highlighted most of her ways… she has been diagnosed with dyslexia and i put things down to hormones as ya do… but deep down i know theirs more…. i thank you for this i now know i’m not imagining things…. i just want to help her as she seems so confused at time’s .. love and light to all

    1. p.s is their any other/more sites you could recommend so that i can educate myself more to aid my daughters future? once again love and light to all !

      1. I started this site as I was having trouble finding sites myself. Wish I could be of more help. There are some good youtubes you can search for. Also Tony Attwood is a good source

  157. Basically everything you wrote I see in myself. I have never been diagnosed but this greatly confuses me because from the textbook diagnosis the criteria seem much different. I understand though this is in inner workings of someone with aspergers and I fully resonate with everything here. If I were getting a diagnosis from your terms I would surely have it. I talk so someone tuesday to see if I qualify to get a evaluation at a developmental disability center. I hope they know what they are doing there.I am 22 years old. If you could please give me any advice I would really appreciate it.

    1. Consider printing out the non official check list I have on this blog and bringing it in to the professional. Others have done this. or refer them to this blog. Best wishes to you.

  158. This is a great post! I suspect I have aspie traits, probably not enough to be diagnosed, and it doesn’t affect me much at the moment, but I did see a lot of myself in this article, especially all the questioning of everything! And really made me realise how much I’ve modelled myself on my sister (a year and a half younger than me but so much better at social situations!) A very well written post :)

  159. I am 57 years old and about 5 years ago I began to suspect my difficulties with relationships had to do with me, rather than others. I wish this site was available when I was a teenager. The online tests and this site definitely describe me as an “Aspie”. To me, the cruelest trick that’s ever played on me is for someone to get to know me a little, then say, “Let’s be honest’ or “Be real” or “Be transparent”, usually preceded by some revelation of their “secret”. Unfortunately I would love to be transparent, but I’m so intense and thoughtful about life, it scares people away. With age, I’ve learned to not do this, but I do give out little tidbits just to satisfy their curiosity and maintain some semblance of a friendship. I’ve also learned not to regard others with contempt for a lack of intelligence, but to accept THEM the way THEY are as well and to resist self absorption by praying for others. This mental condition may not be curable, but it is possible to live above it for the sake of others, especially our loved ones.

  160. Here’s a couple more thoughts for consideration. It wasn’t until I got off the premenstrual merry-go-round (hall of mirrors, etc) that I was finally able to learn to cope with this condition in a constructive manner (hurray for menopause!). And speaking of sensitivities, I’ve also learned the amount of seasonal light has a profound influence on my perceptions. My twice a year blowups have been explained and pro-active measures are on my calendar! :D Thank you for this website and the information on it. Even though I am self-diagnosed, this has made it easier to see myself clearer and avoid unnecessary stress with others.

  161. Final thought, then I’ll leave room for others. It seems like the more complex our world is becoming, the more people are distracted, the more mistakes they make (perpetual guilt), the more their energy is dissipated in meaningless ways, their social contacts more transient and chaotic, especially since the norms and customs of society are being throw out with the bath water, the more we will see mental problems in people. In addition to this, we are bombarded with all kinds of artificial electromagnetic waves, artificial day/night cycles, electronic entertainment, air pollution, toxic food, depleted soils and toxic chemicals in general (in fact we bathe regularly in them). May I submit to you that there is nothing wrong with us at all? Our “syndrome” is not really a syndrome at all, but simply what happens when people live in poisoned chaos?

    1. Hm, I wouldn’t agree. Though it wasn’t discovered until recently, people with Asperger’s traits have been around for many, many years- even before all of the environmental hazards that you listed. Besides, AS isn’t an illness- it’s a difference in neurology, a condition that affects our perceptions and thought processes, among other things. It isn’t ‘wrong’, just different. Perhaps the environment has worsened sensory issues/triggered some things in ASDs, but they certainly aren’t completely environmental.

      1. That’s a good point. Although I think that what Bobbie was saying is that AS is indeed not an illness, but actually a “normal” reaction to the things that are going on. I guess maybe there is a need to define “illness” here. I certainly don’t think anyone here thinks that it is a pathology, but I guess the words “symptoms” evoke an illness-type meaning, so I can understand why you interpreted it that way.

        I wonder if there is some gene-environment interaction going on. In other words, AS is something biologically-based that exists regardless of environment. However, perhaps the environmental, hence lifestyle, changes in our world today are activating the expression of those genes, amplifying their affects on our personalities and behaviors.

    2. I enjoyed reading all of your comments. I, too, and deeply affected my hormones and sunlight or lack of, and Vitamin D is a hormone as well. I am looking forward to menopause. I had to stop my thyroid hormone as it was doing terrible things to my body. I am very sensitive to all forms of hormones, and any substance really. We do live in “poisoned chaos” but I do not believe we are the result of that, but rather a light pointing another direction to the world, us and many others. We are also the canaries in the coal mine, so to speak. Thanks again for your thoughts. You’ve inspired interesting conversation. Sam :) (author of this blog site).

    3. Yes – I agree with you! I have been searching for others like me my whole life. I was so different in some things to those around me – especially in my need to understand and make connections – see the “big picture”. I think you are so right about the world needing people like us now, because we are complex thinkers – able to focus voraciously on trying to understand. Our hierarchical, topdown, left-brain oriented world has been trying to address complex issues with linear solutions for too long – that don’t work and are extremely destructive!

  162. I think today’s world exacerbates symptoms for those on the autism spectrum, but they are not the cause of them. From everything I’ve observed and read, the difference between people on the spectrum and those who are not is purely in how the brain processes information. That can result in a variety of symptoms — even sometimes contrasting symptoms. But it all comes down to the way the brain receives input.

    1. I believe, in my experience, it is more than the brain. I believe it is the way the body responds to environmental influences, foods, toxins, hormones, etc, as well, and also I believe many of the women I have encountered have profound spiritual depth, precognitive experience, and empathic connections. So, for me, it is body, mind, and spirit. :)

  163. Thank you for your blog. For 20 years I have struggled, not understanding why I just don’t fit and why I tick in the way I do. My son has recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s and I am pretty sure my father has it. My son has recently been suspended from school and all is not great. A lot has fallen into place, reading your blog.

    1. I am sorry for your challenges and struggles. You are certainly not alone. We have an online support group on Facebook if you are interested. Best wishes to you, and thank you for your comment. :)

  164. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like i dont belong, always feeling like i’m saying and doing things the wrong way. Thankyou for this article, reading this felt like all the thoughts and feelings in my head had been put on the screen. I feel a bit better knowing others understand. Thankyou for this blog!!

  165. My youngest has Asperger’s + commorbidities,
    my oldest has Tourette + commorbidities, I have Tourette + commorbidities and many Asperger’s traits, and my husband has the overlapping commorbidities found in both.

    The four of us maintain our senses of humor, we embrace our little “neuro-party”, and believe that acceptance leads to understanding, especially when understanding is difficult. When we suffer, it isn’t due to our diagnoses, the root cause is the treatment received at the hands of other people (ie: school/district). Naturally, this is remedied daily through instilling and implementing effective advocacy and education, diplomacy, knowing and understanding our rights, our commitment to accountability, etc…

    To survive our experiences isn’t enough, a fulfilling life is the only option.

  166. Before you were saying something about having anxiety over what is being eaten.
    Did you mean like this:
    I buy meat on Monday or Sunday, go to eat it Thursday, realize it’s been in the fridge nearly five days….google meat storage…see that that is the maximum…think it’s fine just cook the meat really good. Cook the meat… worry. Decide not to eat it. Put entire steak in bin.
    Experience depression over money and fact you are now hungry. Remember last time you got sick from some meat for 3 days…think the choice is justified.
    Still feel hungry but think it’s better than risking food poisoning. Only been food poisoned twice in entire life, but enough to cause the occasional anxiety over food.
    Go to see what else is there. Salad has gone brown, nearly everything is a bit off. Don’t have money to replace it.
    Agonize over going hungry or just eating the brownish stuff, it’s not meat…should be ok???
    Feel too unsure.
    Wish life wasn’t so hard and that there was just “tes” or “no” signs on things.

    Anxiety or Aspergers?

    If you have this, how do you deal with it?

    1. Yes; I can get that way. I try not to go down the path. If the meat is old (my family eats meat, I don’t) I toss it. Then I tell myself it is okay. And let it go. I understand what you are saying, and do that with many other things. But I have learned to let go of things associated with money. I rationalize to not “fear” about the meat being bad for my family, is worth a few dollars. :) Thanks for sharing. Hugs

    2. Wow. Amazing to read this, that I have this too in common with my fellow people on this blog. Yet another illuminating surprise.
      First of all, I am a college student (21), so luckily I have the privilege of going to the dining hall if I don’t feel like eating at my off-campus house, and I don’t have a family to worry about, and my mom supports me as I am a full-time student. But, I identify with your thought process sooooo much. I’m not sure if I have obsessive compulsive disorder, but I usually attribute it to something like that. Hearing it come up in this context is fascinating. The problem I have is similar to yours in that every single tiny minute little decision is just a wild flurry of “yes…no…wait…maybe this….no wait go back to that….oh but wait, if I do that, then this will happen….but wait okay what about this….(etc)”. I usually solve this problem by having very very simple things to eat (ramen noodles—just boil water, add noodles, done) and also just shopping once per week and getting only a few items which I just focus on for that week, and know that at the end of that week they’ll be gone and won’t be wasted (for example, I’ll buy bread, cheese slices, lunchmeat, and tomatoes, and eat those sandwiches for the week, adding some different snacks here and there but mostly just that). I’m still pretty healthy though, because luckily I crave pretty healthy food. But your thought process and anxiety that relates to cooking and food spoiling and the whole agony of the decision-making process reminds me of another concurrent problem I’ve been having. I have a hard time following instructions (each line of instructions brings up that flurry of if-but-wait-maybe-that-no-yes-ugh-wait). I am currently working on a biology senior project for my undergrad degree. The labwork is ALL following protocols and doing tasks, very very similar to cooking (add this chemical. Make sure this runs for one hour. Check the temperature on this in the meantime. Add this chemical. Thaw out these cells. Make sure they’re not out too long. Do this. Do that.” You get the idea. I am having a very hard time doing the simplest things for the very reason you pointed out in your difficulties with food. I can’t simply carry out a task described by instructions, because my mind is bombarded with questions and “ifs” and “thens” and anxieties over every single step, and I get nowhere. Sometimes I’ll show up to lab, take a look at the stuff, and then think “ugh I don’t have enough time to complete this today, it’ll have to happen when I have a solid 5 hour chunk of free time.” So my projects keep getting post-poned again and again, every time those anxieties and complications in my mind getting in the way.

      Sorry for such a long post–didn’t know how else to describe it all without the length. Just wanted to commiserate and share what I feel is a commonality.

      ****Thanks again for running such a great blog and community. This really helps me :)

    1. Yes, I get what you were saying. :) My anxiety is more related to what food to cook, how much sensory issues will be involved (cold feeling of fridge food, sound of chopping, collecting of debris, etc.) and decision making: this fruit or that, which is better for child, which is about to spoil, which is enough, how to mix and match, if there is enough nutrients. A lot of health related stuff. by now I ought to have just made a weekly meal plan but plans worry me… lol lol

      1. Hi Sam, thanks for the reply! I wasn’t notified…instead I got the reply for someone else in my inbox.

        What have you found helpful for anxiety? I just had a wonderful day with a friend, came home and was hit with anxiety but couldn’t quite figure out why. Very vague reasons. I should be feeling on top of the world. I don’t get how anxiety will be so illogical, I have a lot to worry about, but also positive changes are happening.

        It also seems to creep up when I’m relaxing…like watching t.v. or having fun…there’s this weird underlying sense of doom.
        Sometimes it makes more sense like when I know what the issue or worry is about…then I can soothe it or let it go for the time being.

        When I have no solid reason for the anxiety then I don’t really know what to do about it or how to solve it. It’s just there weirding me out, and confusing me. Thump, thumpo, thump…what’s your problem heart?

      2. I am still searching for ways. Practicing being in the present helps me, a nap, eating a bit, walking, talking to a friend, but it visits me all day. Sometimes I acknowledge the “fear.” Hello “fear.” And accept my thoughts and watch them pass, know they will pass. :)

  167. My husband and our 2 boys have just headed out to grab a bite to eat and purchase snacks while momma (that’s) me can get ready for “date night”.
    I recall your description of the effort it takes to prepare for an “outing”…
    -What shall I wear? (the same thing you always wear, a t-shirt and comfy jeans)
    -Where will we go? (Somewhere local, because neither of you like big crowds or new places, duh!)
    -Will I receive “looks” when stammer and have a child-like voice when I speak? (No, the patrons know who you are, they are used to it, and are accommodating.)
    -Will I be ready for date night on time? (Not a chance.)

  168. Truly fascinating reading. I can relate to all your points on some level or another. I have tailored my life, pretty much, to accommodate my ‘uniqueness’ albeit I never felt the need to look for a ‘label’ to explain why I was the way I was. I think I may now know why I am the way I am. In all honesty that is okay by me. I am 45 in June. The traits you describe above explain why I have been to hell and back over the last few years. My honesty and my innocence are my biggest hurdles. In fact my honesty has simply led me to become more reclusive and anti-social as I have got older, navigating my way through social situations is too much so I pick and choose what I am going to force myself to go to. It leaves me with an anti-social label but I don’t care. I feel I would rather stay in than say the wrong thing or spend the whole event wondering what to say/monitoring what I am saying, the list goes on. My innocence or inability to see situations for what they are and my inability to read a person’s intensions led to a near breakdown a few years ago but having said that it wont happen again, we can learn even if we can’t change. I am gonna stop myself here, as like most other contributors I could write a book on my life. It’s not all bad, just confusing and stressful. Much love to Sam, you are truly remarkable and have clearly ‘done’ a lot more with your ‘aspie’ life than I will ever do. Just give me a clear diary for the day and I’m happy. Shall I walk the dog/shall I not walk the dog…………………………….

    1. I am glad you are okay with you. :) Honesty and innocence… sigh… such lovely attributes. I have learned to pick and choose as well. Thank you for your thoughts and for your kindness. All the best to you. ….lol….walk the dog! xo

  169. This post makes so much sense to me. My son has Aspergers and I think I do too. As a child I was never like other girls, I hated ballet and other girlie pursuits. I’ve never enjoyed social hugging and kissing. I was deemed unsociable and peculiar. I struggle to fit in, people think I am confident and outgoing but I feel excrutiating inside and always analysing the things I have said. Was I too opinionated, overbearing, crude, boring?! I hate having people round to my house too and get overwhelmed by ‘stuff’. A great article and one I’m sure I will keep coming back to….

  170. Thank you…I am 43 year old woman who has felt like I was the only woman in the world who felt the exact things you describe! I have a masters in SpEd, I am an and do well in my job…. But struggling with interpersonal relationships especially teachers. All this time I though I am a selfish, narcissist pretending to care about people….yet I feel deep empathy and can read others feelings especially children. I do not have the capacity to understand hatred or jealousy and it causes me pain. Thank you!!!!!

    1. I agree. Some aspie men say spot on! Some say nooooo. It depends on the aspects of the man, I think. Just as NT’s have feminine sides, I think some aspie men are more in touch with the empathic, sensitive side than others. And then, also, rarely, there are females that feel more akin to the more aloof version of some aspie men.
      Thanks for commenting. :)

  171. My counsellor thinks I have Asperger’s and I am about to be tested… should I tell my friends? I am 14 and have literally all of the symptoms, I am finding it very hard to cope with at the moment

    1. Please ask your counselor this question. He or she will know you and your situation much more than I do. If you are getting diagnosed you might go through many emotions; create a support system for yourself, if you can, and approach people you trust, who you know will be gentle, kind, and non-judgmental. My thoughts are with you. Much love.

  172. I have been serching for a personnally written approach to understanding Aspergers. Your words are poetic, simpliistic and easilly diagestable. I want to print out what you have wrote for my own file- this is so me. The whole anxiety I have felt in the past is now making sence. I am easy going to a point then this happens. I remember when I was pregnat with my 5th child, my daughter Lydia i had these episodes were my heartrate would be as high as my inutero Lydia. My friend at church said it was anxiety because she had it and could see it in me. well I had to go to the doctors, wore a heart monitor and finally one morning I woke up early so I could plan my bussy day. I started thinking of all the things I had to do. First make breakfast,make my husband lunch, pack for bible study, make my shopping list and….my heart started pounding.There it was, people, leaving the house, hauling my 4 boys out of the house with me(oh, the things thing one, two, three and four will do!). So now I know why I feel the way I do and why my body reacts the way it does. and of course my children are all like me and this intensifies the way I feel. Coming home is more exciting that leaving! But we do need to get out. There is food that has to be bought, my husband just got off the phone with me questioning me about what we needed. And are we going to have an Easter dinner or not and by the way he was going to be making easter dinner. Ok I say, one less thing to worry about! But I will adventually go shopping after the first of the month! Then I try to buy all the food we need at once. This is kind of stressful, but means that we mostly have everything we need. Some times I will need some fruit, veggies and dairy. This is one area of my life that I have had to really work on. I started to figure it out when I was pregnaent and really tired and had no brian power at he end of the night. I needed to plan my meals and that made my life simpler. So what I am seeing is that our live are so out of control, but we do not know why. and then we figure it out and this releaves stress. Unless our spouce is constanltly trying to do it their way and this creates conflic, we do not do well with this.
    So we try to figure them out to avoid this conflict. This is very complicated. I remember my husband saying I need to eat by 6. He was right, I learned that he got really grumpy- problebly low blood suragr. I learned not to talk to him until after he ate. Or in t he morning time.I spent alot of time not talking at all now that i think of it. I have most of my conversations in my head or think things out. He said to me the other day- I do not understand the way you think.
    We were talking about chickens, were to put the coop, buying trees and the such while walking around. Well a couple of days later after making a list of what we needed and telling the chilldren dad said it was ok to gets chicks. I called serveral stores, read which chickens produced the most eggs and had calm personalities. We are in the car driving home with chicks. half way home I remember him saying look into the ordenances to make sure they allow chickens. Well they don’t, now I have to go to the Village Monthly meeting. I copied someone elses Proposal to Change the Chicken Ordinance and “please forward this to all board member!”….Do you think he was happy- no. Well here I am.I love animals, I love comunicating with them. I love growing plants, being outdoors and the like.
    Thanks for writing this post. Please write more. Tell your story…Write a book I will buy it.

  173. I just wanted to let you know that with this article you wrote you gave me the answers i’ve been looking for all my life and there for changed is forever. You discribed me to a detail. Although not every detail because i still believe we all have our own special things. You came close to 98 procent.
    I had childhood trauma caused by a sexual predator (my uncle) and like you wrote forget to tell anybody. And yes for many years I even felt sorry for the man.
    I have sensory issues. I’ve been diagnosed PTSS, depression, postnatel depression, IBS, ADD, PMDD, anxciety disorder. Three times in my life i had a psychosis because of medication sensitivity. (prozac and diet pills with ephedrine in it) , hormonal epilepsy
    I’m left handed, allergic to dust, chronic joint pain and muscle cramps, chronic fatique. Youthfull voice. I had numerous fixations. Writing, painting, doing research, reading etc. I’m a huge self critic.
    I want to say so much more but i can’t. I have to come to accept now for who i am. There is a name for it with so much complexity in it as i am. I’ve found it. For as many years i could remember i’ve been making small lists of behavioures and repeating them on a daily basis over and over again so i’d remember how to behave.
    My latest list, inspired by taoïsm and zen and it’s closest to heart is:
    – to be in silent, serenity
    – present inner peace
    – be soft and bend
    – self love
    My mind is raising with all of the things i would like to say. I need to calm down i guess. My mother also had asperger. Undiagnosed but i recognise it. She is more the domestic queen type asperger. The way i dread cleaning. She had a life time fixation on hygiene, germs and cleaning.
    Untill about last week since i first started reading about Asperger syndrome for women i thought i had some form of dementia. As a child and still i forget my keys. At school i used to always forget my books or got the scedule wrong. I have a lot of memory lapses. I then just can’t remember what i needed to do of where i left things.
    I’m sorry about my grammar. I’m from the Netherlands.
    My home is my refugee.
    Thank you for making me feel i’m not alone. I can now focuss on acceptance and self love without a list. O, and i’m clumpsy. So very clumpsy.. 2 out o f 3 of my children also have asperger’s. Now i can finally help them..
    I’m now fixating on reading every article on your website. I love it.
    With love, Tam

    1. I am crying. Thank you. I needed this today. You have helped me heal. We are so strong and brave. We have a purpose and a calling. We have a support group on Facebook if you are interested. Much love to you. It was like reading my life, your words. I have studied Eastern spiritual practices and am just now starting with taoism. Thank you for the gift of you. You have set me on my path again. :)

  174. Thank you. I am 52 with undiagnosed aspergers and I have five children, all with diagnosed aspergers. Thank you for the best description of my innermost workings ever. I actually feel better now, not so alone and wondering why on earth I am feeling so awful at the moment. Debby.

  175. This article is absolutely amazing. I have never seen it spelled out like this. It gives me so much more insight into my daughter’s life and mind. The most uplifting part of reading the article was at the end where the author talks about having a master’s degree and a son. My daughter is just 9 years old, diagnosed with ASD at 5. She has all of the traits mentioned above and also some different ones including some OCD traits that were touched on. She still does not read or write, more out of refusal than having the cognitive ability. She is very clever and very particular. She always talks about when she drives and when she has her kids. One day she even talked about being able to support her child if it was “like her” as her father is diagnosed with Asperger’s himself. Sometimes I sit and wonder about my child and sometimes my heart breaks just a tiny bit when she talks about her future children as I sometimes can’t decide whether she will ever be able to form those types of relationships. You can hardly hug her and kissing is forbidden, I think to myself how will anyone ever be able to get so close to her?, my poor baby. I love her more than anything and what I wouldn’t give to make all of her dreams come true. I just have to continue on the journey of understanding and providing her with social opportunities she is not going to fail at. Sometimes being her Mother is the most heart wrenching thing in the world as I have to sit back and watch her fail again and again and again at social interaction and getting things right. Most times being her Mother is the best things that could have ever happened to me and teaching me new things about myself and society everyday. Thanks for investing your time and expertise in this blog. It really helps people. -Skye

    1. Your powerful love for her is evident and clear. What a fortunate child to have you, and yes, indeed, she is your teacher. I wish you the very best. Thank you for sharing a part of your journey. Much love on the path to your greatness. <3

  176. So insightful! My heart leaps with joy when I read someone explaining how I feel and think and function on a daily basis, and how complex just “being” is for me! Thank you :)

  177. Until recently (like yesterday) I had no idea that women and girls presented differently with autism. I’m a teacher, with a masters degree and somehow never knew this. I see a lot of myself in the description. Not everything and not to all extremes but my childhood and the way I feel seems to make more sense now that I’ve read the traits. I’m not sure where to start honestly. I don’t know if I should see about talking to someone to see if I should be formally diagnosed or not. It’s not debilitating for me. I am just glad to know that there may be a reason for why I’ve been this way my whole life. I thought I couldn’t make friends and that I was shy. Now I’m thinking there’s more to it.

    1. Yes, I know these feelings of “where to start” or “if to start at all.” This will be shown to you: your path and direction. Trust in your heart and may this new door lead to greatness and self-love. <3

  178. I nearly cried reading this, it just hits so close to home. I didn’t know another person could so succinctly and accurately describe and understand the experience of being a woman with Aspergers in a way that went beyond medical facts and statistics.
    It’s only now that I look down the comments list and see how many of us had this same response it gives me comfort to know I’m not alone.

  179. Thank you so much for your insightful description. My daughter is 16 and in a very long diagnostic process for Aspergers. She is in an alternative education program for Anxiety and Panic Discorder and they are helping her enormously with her “odd” personality traits. I am more and more convinced it is Aspergers and have been trying to figure out how her brain works so I am not unintentionally making things more difficult for her. Your post has answered my prayer to understand her better. I have printed it out to show her and to get her feedback. So much of what you have written not only rings true, but explains the “odd” behaviour that we’ve been living with for so long, and gives me much better understanding about how to both live with her and help her. Being the engine that drives this whole train, from dealing with the doctors and the educators and the therapists, to arranging the testing and finding the experts, to dealing with my other daughter (who doesn’t yet understand) and the other family members (who don’t understand at all), to embarking on this whole new learning curve after the learning curve of anxiety and panic and doing it all as a single parent is exhausting, but you provide so many of the answers I have been looking for in this one post. You have saved me countless hours and much frustration of trying to piece things together and understand a non-typical Asperger’s kid who can’t explain her thinking because it is normal to her. Now I understand much more. You’ve turned on my light bulb of understanding her and opened the door that will enable us to move forward serving her needs. Thank you so much!

  180. Amaze balls I cried reading this as myself n my mum n 2 girls have aspergers some are diagnosed some not…but wow you took the words right out of my mouth as meat loaf would say he he…i will be sharing this with ad many people as possible as it’s what I’ve been trying to explain for years!!!!!!! :) love n light xx

  181. I was shown this on FB recently by a SENCO at my daughters local school……thank you, a huge insite into our little girls head. She actually has a diagnosis os ASC but nearly all except no10 covers my daughter. I cried reading it to realise how confusing the workd must be to her and why when things get too much she withdraws from us all. She loves to sing and act, has a beautiful voice and is a very tallented artist. I have made as many people as I can think of aware of this article via FB but wd like to send it to her new SENCO at high school where she starts in September…….can I do that? The senco isnt on FB! su

    1. Thank you. Yes, I ask that my blog address and name stay on the print out. If you look under the author contact you can order a hard copy from a psychology journal, as well. I can provide you with the number, if you’d wish. Also, you can send the link. I am honored that the words can help you and your daughter. Yes, it is hard, but there are moments of connection with the universe that are beyond words and reason. Your daughter will have the ability to bring people together, to spread joy and love, and make a difference in this world. Hold strong. She is fortunate to have your love. <3

  182. OMG, except for the cleaning thing (I do it for a living, and well), you nailed me! I am 46, and have suspected I’ve always been an Aspie Girl for about a year. Here’s my question, though: Do I just keep this to myself? I ask because my husband is convinced I’m not. I have an otherwise good relationship with him, but now I don’t want to discuss it further with him, because he’s not taking my suspicions that I do have Asperger’s seriously. I think my parents would look at me (I’m adopted) like I was being a drama queen with a new “illness”. It’s taken me 15 years to get everyone used to the idea that I do, in fact, have depression. Everyone gets that now. Would people knowing cause them to try and find out why I behave the way I do? Probably not. So, just keep it to myself and that’s enough?

    1. That is an individual choice. I understand the conflict of thought about what to do. Do what your heart thinks feels right, honor yourself, your nature, and secrets can tear us apart. Best wishes. We have a support group under ‘about author page.’

  183. Thank you for this. We are in the process of diagnosing aspergers in my 8 yr old son and have found similar tendancies in myself. Can a male manifest the same traits as a female? While I can identify with a some of the male traits, your blog and the female aspect rings truer for me.
    Thank you again.

    1. OH YES… and I know a very kind male aspergers grown man I can get you in touch with on facebook (see about author’s link and friend me) You are most welcome. It seems some males are more liken to the female traits :))) My son is 14 and doing well.

  184. Thank you for this. It is explained so well. I recognize myself so much in all the mentioned points. I am a woman of 39 years old. I’ve been diagnosed with an autism disorder when I was 32 years old, and this after years of misdiagnoses, hospitalizations in psychiatry and so much medications.
    May I post a link to your blog on my tumblr account?

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  186. I am in desperate need of help and am hoping you might be able to point me to some resources either here on your content-rich blog or elsewhere. My marraige of thirty years has suffered from dysfunction from what I assumed is my (formally diagnosed) ADD and bouts of mild depression. I’ve discovered through your blog and others, while researching a young relative’s Asperger diagnosis, that many of the behaviors exhibited by my wife that have mystified and confounded me may well be undiagnosed Asperger. There are magical moments when the locus of our combined malladies allow us to be well and truly one, but the intervening times can be trying, to put it mildly. Instead of guilt/shame/sadness, I’m think there actually may be hope for us, but I’m at a complete l