I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood and how my actions reflected those of a child with Aspergers. I keep getting pulled back into a time period when I was about ten years of age. I was still rescuing animals then. Not that there was much I could do to help, but to love them.
One day the animal was a bird, near death, whose eyes were cold by morning. Another day a snail that had lost its shell. The one I remember the most is the butterfly. She was a monarch. I found her in the gutter on a rainy-walk home from school. Her wings were tattered, and she was nearly drown. I carried her home, cupped in the safety of my hands. I named her Jolie—for her beauty.
I placed her in a cleaned-out pickle jar and watched her in awe, as she stuck out her black tongue and lapped the sugar-water from a small lid. Her little wings were cast in masking tape. I watched her through the night; ever so often turning on the light and checking on her. I loved her. She survived a full day in the warmth of my affection. When she passed, I buried her in the backyard under a fig tree and gave her a short sermon. This is the little girl I was, so remarkably sweet and hopeful. I wish to go back to her, to her room, to kneel down at her side, and say:
“I love you. I love you so very much. You are so beautiful. So kind. So thoughtful. And I am sorry that you carry such a burden. I know how painful it is to love with all of your heart. I know how painful it is to want to help and to not know how. But you are helping. You are helping more than you know, my precious one. Look at me. Do you see what you have become. You are going to be a mommy someday, with your own family, and you are going to have what you need to take care of them. But precious child your journey into adulthood will be very hard. There will be times you want to give up. So many times. And you will take many years to find your way. But you will. You will. I promise you that. And when you do, so much will make sense. And you will cry, cry so very hard, like you are now with losing your beloved butterfly. But I will be waiting. I will be knowing that you will survive. That you will be strong. That you will love with all of your heart and get that love back ten-fold. You of all people, shall be loved. I will be here waiting on the other side of time, with my arms wide open. And when we meet again, in dream and in prose, I will embrace you, like no other. Thank you. Thank you for being you and going onward. Thank you for being so brave and so very strong. You are my living angel. And I breathe for you.”
12 thoughts on “Twenty-Nine: Blue By You”
Enjoyed reading this post. Brought back some of my own childhood memories -Leah
Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it. ~ Sam
You recreate so vividly these times long ago. It is amazing to me, the details you are able to recall and the information stored readily in your head. I too, can recall some things that were painful from years ago but with a measure of detachment. Yours still sound fresh. Is it as painful for you when you recall these events as when they first happen?
Btw, your writing is filled with poetic beauty. I can see the flow of it all happening as it goes by…
Oh, you left such a sweet comment. You have a sweet face, too. I spent several years processing my past through writing, and was able to leave a lot of pain on the pages I scribed. It is no longer painful, usually. Thank you for asking. That was a kind question. Thanks again for the “poetic beauty” part—compliments are always appreciated. ~ Sam
A beautiful, evocative post. I love how your writing flows so naturally. thought to though, image to image. you are a natural talent! I wish I could write in such smooth ribbons, everything I do feels cramped and technical!
Thank you for the visit into your young life. Bless you for encouraging that younger self, reminding her that all her love and care is worthwhile. I wished some whispering voice would have buoyed me.
You are kind. It took a lot of hard work. I trained myself to write by writing everyday except one day, for 3-5 hours a day, a few years ago. Then I spent several years writing more. At the start, writing was very difficult for me. I’m glad it sounds more natural, now. I am so pleased when you stop by to share in this journey. You are always so thoughtful and uplifting. Thank you for blessing my day, again ~ Sam
When I was young I made my own little zoo with insects, I nursed baby birds till they were old enough to go their own way. I tried to rescue every wounded animal I found. This doesn’t mean I always succeeded, the ones I couldn’t save and that died I put in jars with formaldehyde. I was very proud of my collection.
Happy to read I was not the only one with the same passion.
That sounds so sweet. Although, the formaldehyde part made me chuckle a bit ;). I’m impressed you used formaldehyde at a young age. Thanks for stopping by Inkpearl. ~ Sam
I can’t remember how old I was, eleven or twelve, I believe, but I was quite the little PETA member. Of course, I wasn’t an actual member, but I supported their cause! I remember writing letters to Mars Candy Company for animal testing, as well as calling them multiple times. xD For the longest time, I wouldn’t buy their candy.
^Actually, I think I was eleven. The ‘Snail Protection Act’ was when I was twelve.
LOL about the Snail Protection Act…..that’s sooooo me. In college, I didn’t dissect my snail, but carried him downstairs and set him free. Perhaps that is why I didn’t fair to well in biology. lol
I know it’s been a long time since you posted this, but I hadn’t seen it before!
I will have to look really good at your eyes in your pics, cuz Linda R. is (was?) simply gorgeous, eyes and all. What I was trying to remember and had to look it up (Thank God for Google) was “Blue” sung by LeAnn Rimes in the 90s.
Anyway, nice song, enjoyed the post. That’s when I really started into the blog scene was Feb 2012…hmm