What my Husband Hears (aka: Why my Husband is a Saint)
Words I spoke today during our time together. Mostly on our walk through the forest.
1. Do you think I look slutty? Are you sure? Do other women dress like this? Is this shirt too tight? I don’t think I should wear this shirt in public? Does it make me look fat? How do you know I don’t look slutty?
2. Look at my eye again. In the light. Can you see the pink in my eye? Does it look better? Are you sure? How do you know it is better? What if it gets worse. I think it feels better. Do you think my eye will be okay? Can you see the dry skin in the corner? What do you think it is? Look closer!
3. I am taking so many photos. Thank you for being patient. This is more of a leisure walk. We are stopping a lot. I’ll have to walk more later around the lake. I haven’t walked in two days. These shorts are too big. You are right. I should buy some new shorts today. I wonder if I am a size four yet. These are too baggy. Yes, they are too baggy.
4. Take a photo here. Oh, stop here. Oh, look there. Oh, look at that tree. Oh my, look at that. Oh, look, look! Look up. Look at the spider web. Look at the water. Take one of me from uphill. I look better if you stand uphill. Not so much of my chest. You are showing too much of my chest. How do I look? Do I look okay? Can you tell my eye is pink?
5. I ate too much caffeine. I had that tea, and chocolate bar, and the chocolate gluten-free cake. Feel my heartbeat. Is it beating too fast? Are you sure it’s not? I think it’s too fast. I’m okay, right? Feel here. I need to rest. I am tired. It’s so fast. I have to stop here and catch my breath. This walk is not enough to burn off all the calories from the cake.
6. Oh, we should go this way, and when we get to the fork in the path then we’ll need to go up and to the right; otherwise we will end up on the wrong street. These maps are not designed well. We are educated and intelligent people, and we can’t even figure these signs out! How are other people who aren’t as smart supposed to figure them out? I don’t mean that we are smarter than everyone. Well, you know what I mean. Maybe we should turn and go the other way. What do you think? …..I told you this was the wrong way!
7. Are you staring at my butt and smiling. I can feel you smiling behind me and staring at my butt. You are staring at my butt. And you are picturing grabbing it. I can see you. I am psychic, you know. This proves it. You are staring, aren’t you?
8. Oh, it’s a little Toto dog. How cute. Look at that Toto dog. Oh, he is so cute. Did you see that little dog?
9. I think I would like to have relations with a ninety year old man to give him his dying wish. Is that wrong to feel that way? To want to fulfill a man’s dying wish like that? It doesn’t feel wrong. But maybe it is.
10. You know if you cheated on me, I would forgive you. It would be okay. I know it would only be out of lust, because I know I am sweet and you will not find anyone as sweet and kind as me. So I know it would only be a physical thing. And by me saying this, it will probably make you less likely to cheat, because part of the reason men do cheat is because it is a no-no and forbidden, and you are not supposed to. So, really, since I’m giving you permission, it takes the danger element out of it. But if by me saying this to you makes you want to cheat more, then I take it back. You don’t want to cheat on me now because I said that, do you? Should I take it back?
11. So there are different types of men I am noticing. There are married men who stare and I think oh they are thinking they don’t want to be with their wife and are sad, and they wish they were with another woman. But then there are men who look, but love their wives, and want to be with their wives, but they cannot help but look at other women. You’re a man. All men look, right? And I understand if you have to look. All men look at other women, don’t they? You look, and that’s okay, but you do it in a sly careful way. Some men aren’t careful, and that would be hard. But if I was ever single, I would never meet the type of man I am attracted to. Because I’m not attracted to the men that stare in an obvious way. I’m attracted to the men who don’t look, or look really fast, and I would never know they were looking at me; so how would I ever know they liked me? You see it would be hard for me, because I like the shy guy who is a little insecure and doesn’t know he is handsome, and those are the type that would never approach me.
12. What’s your type of woman? Is that your type? How about her? You like women who are more like me, now, right? Before you liked tall and blonde. But not anymore. Do you know which of your friends I used to be most attracted to? Do you know why? No, not him. He is not my type at all.
13. If I die this is where I want you to spread my ashes. Right under this tree. Right here. Remember, okay. Here or Mt. Rainier. But this is much closer to home. Don’t you think? This would be a good place. This is just as pretty as Mt. Rainier and that is a wonderful tree.
14. I used to date the most handsome men, and it was so difficult. I would never do that again. They were handsome but not very smart, and I’d walk in a room and all eyes would be on them. And people would come up to me and say how handsome they were. And I knew those guys cheated. They had all theses chances. It’s no good dating a man like that. No good at all. Don’t you agree?
15. Oh, you are a good catch. As you get older, you out shine more and more of the men that are getting old like you. You are aging well, and they aren’t.
16. I’ve loved you through thick and thin. Mostly thick. Except for those two months you paid all that money to lose that weight. Other than that, mostly thick.
I didn’t know my husband was taking the photo. The trunk of the tree was so lovely.
I took a photo of this trail. Then my husband did. His photo was much better. He won the contest between us. I told him my photo would be better. I was wrong. The photo below was not taken from uphill. Still not too bad. And you can’t tell I have a cold in my eye. Or can you?
~
(This post was originally marked day 125….that’s my mistake…from a combo of after midnight, dyslexia, and too much caffeine. It’s day 205. No way am I going back 80 days!)
Everyday Asperger's 
(Wiping tears fro my eyes) (sniffing as I have no tissue) (laughing my head off)
I thought it was only my wife that went on and on like this when we go for a walk… I see other husbands have to suffer the same fate… “Is my bum too big for these pants, is mine as big as hers?” and other such trick questions that men have to beware of and think before they answer… thank you for the start to my week with a hell of a good laugh (still with tears on my cheeks)…
My husband loved reading your comment. lol. He is no longer alone in his suffering!!! It’s a shame us women make you suffer, as men are so PERFECT. lol. Got a great laugh from your words. Thanks so much bulldog. You’re super. 🙂 Sam
Oh, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post….you are sooooo me!
You big aspie you…..hehehe
Only you thought to publish yours and give everyone a giggle.
I just crack my family up and wonder if I would be funny to anyone else.
I love you so very much. Sleep well my lovely friend, speak soon.
Me…. xxx {{{hugs}}} ❤ 🙂
hehehehe. It was so fun. I love that you are like me. ‘Cause you are fabulous! hugs, Sam
Wide awake (in pain) at 3:45 reading – and smiling away reading this — oh boy we are sea sisters indeed!! Almost exactly how I act and I’m told I’m a “character” – but obviously you are too… LOL!! Adorable post — now to my ambien and prayers for descent sleep … almost afraid to because of what I’ve been waking up like !! ~ at least I can chuckle my way to slumber thinking of your post. HOpe you had a wonderful hike (photos are great) and the pink eye is on its way out. Much Love SS !
xxooo Robyn
“A character” – if I had a dollar for every time I heard that for just being myself…
I think I may give my husband a few extra kisses today. This sounds just like me.
Characters are fantastic. I love characters. Never boring! Glad your hubby got extra kisses. Mine got a few after this as well. :)))
Glad I could be your entertainment in the early morning. lol….we would have a fun slumber party…lol. Hugs to you sweet Robyn. You are a sweetie. Will pop over to your lovely blog super soon. 🙂 Sam
Hilarious! Sam, you are talented, vibrant, funny, and completely understandable! 🙂
As are you. Need to come visit your blog. Be there soon.. Hugs. xoxox Sam
Thank you for the morning smiles you gave me! Beautiful post 🙂
The DC
Yay for smiles. 🙂 Hoping more come your way. 🙂
LBS,
I swear that, before the stroke, I didn’t talk much like that, but I thought that way. My mind has slowed down and focuses on things differently now. I like this way much better. By the way, from you talking about your husband, he was staring at you because he loves you so.
Scott
I’m learning to love me just as I am. It’s becoming easier and easier. I love how we are all unique but share like journeys. Thanks for your comment. And I am fortunate to have a husband who does love and respect me. Hugs and hope all is well. 🙂 Sam
This made me laugh. This writes much like a sitcom interchange. I think, your husband is lucky to have you. xo
Thanks Lady Day. So glad you laughed. I wear my amber necklace almost everyday, and am reminded of you! 🙂 I’m sure you are a joy to be around, as well….imagine you can talk up a storm too. 🙂 hehe ~ Sam 🙂
actually in real life I’m shockingly quiet..I just write up a storm.I sing alot around the house:)if that counts.
Yes…I would be in shock…hehehehe
singing counts. 🙂
You are such a delight! There are benefits to having a husband that you can talk to like a friend. Taking a walk with you would obviously never get boring. 🙂
Yes. Big Benefit! Which I am learning to love and embrace more everyday! Yay. I know your husband is a friend to you, too. 🙂 Yes…we should take a longgggg walk next time I see you. hehehe. Hugs and love to you lovely K. ~ Sam
Sam, you area hoot and half! I loved the post: funny AND honest!
Watch out: I can see a line of 90-year-old men forming now! All of ‘em are splashing on Old Spice and Hai Karate!
Hoot, hoot! hehehehe So glad you liked! Honest…..yep…..not to a fault though, just to perfection. lol. I’ve been checking out the 90-year-olds by the lake….shhhhhh…don’t tell my husband. Actually, I’ve always found old men adorable….guess that will come in handy in a few decades. lol. Hugs, Sam “Hai Karate!” Your comment cracked me up!
You crazy woman. Number 9 is just so wrong. Do you really honestly think you could really do that? I think that, like, if you did, it would be really honourable in a sort of Mother Theresa to the elderly kind of way. I admire that, I really do. I just would vomit.
Yep crazy….and yep in that Mother T way. hehehehe I find old men cute and adorable….but that was a passing thought….they pass quickly…on to my next way to save the world….lol…Hugs to you Susie. Sam 🙂
Seriously Sam.. You should be writing scripts for your own sit com.. I would call it Seriously Sam! Just look at the popularity of that show.. Mmmm what IS the name of it? Dang, had to Google the premise to find the name of it.. Big Bang Theory. You know I’m not big on TV but I would definitely watch a show written by you and a bunch of Aspies. The time has come for the rest of the world to live through the eyes of an Aspie. You are a very lucky woman. Love you to Hollywood and back!! xxx
I like that “Seriously Sam.” That can be my next blog, when I finish Everyday Aspergers. lol. You are such a cheerleader to me. I just love having you in the stands. Go SAM! GO! I love Big Bang Theory. It was my obsession a few months ago. Watched every episode on dvd. I am lucky. I have lovely, lovely souls in my life. Hugs and love. xoxoxoxoxo Sam
I love your mind, Sam! I think it works a lot like my mom’s. She just runs helter-skelter, hither-tither, every which way. It’s OK, because you two are great just the way you are.
As I do yours, griff. Oh, to be a dog…and think on treats, running, sleeping, back scratches…what a glorious life. Thanks for the kind words. You are a super great canine. Hugs and belly rub. Sam 🙂
Very good and chuckled quite a bit.
The final wish of a 90 year old on his death bed gave me a laugh…
And yes; I know the feeling well of having to think about answering questions carefully.
Glad to give you a chuckle. Answering carefully….lol….my husband is an expert! ~ Sam 🙂
hehehehehe….Just reading notifications, you do know who Mr Locoman is don’t you?!
I posted your post on his fb, I knew he’d relate. Love you so very much. xxx 🙂 ❤
🙂 No I didn’t make the connection. lol 🙂
Oh, the caffeine! Does your husband listen quietly? Does he interrupt you? Does he tell you to slow down?
quiet and calm and supportive….a little saint he is….I even ask him to repeat back what I’ve said. LOL! I’m so bad! lol….hugs, Sam 🙂
You have a wonderful husband! My husband is moving towards sainthood, too, I believe. 🙂
hehehe Nice to hear from you. Yes, he is wonderful. Glad yours is in the saint ranking, as well. 🙂
ha ha ha ha oh my god you are insane..ha ha ha
i do the same how many times i have told him how i will forgive him when he cheats and be the bigger one and then the insane blah blah blah…
Sam we,both of us are real crazy ..from the planet CRAZYGIRLS
hilarious 🙂
Oh, Yay! I’m in excellent company then!!! Yay, me. Crazy with Soma….show me the padded cell. Is there chocolate? lol
Love knowing you get this, and that you do insane blah, blah, blahs…hehehehe
Fly me to CRAZYGIRLS (but there are some boys there, too? right?)
Hugs you,
Sam
Did you basically say that your husband isn’t handsome in #14?
No. lol. Although I see why you would think that. It’s an ongoing conversation we’ve had for years about the “type” I used to date. 🙂 Sam
very stream of consciousness
VERY! thanks 😉 Sam
This sounds like me! My daughter either just stares at me or comes right out and says ” Don’t you ever shut up”? She knows that I don’t so that is rhetorical . I wish I could though. I am glad that there are others like myself. Hummmm I wonder what would happen if we all got in the same room?? I think it would be fun.
lol…..all in the same room….that would be fun. I’d be staring at the floor talking everyone’s ears off. lol. Just don’t serve chocolate or coffee or tea! 🙂 Thanks for the comment. Glad to know there are other chatter boxes out there. 🙂
Hahaha! Wow, I’m really beginning to think I’m an Aspie now.
When I go on walks with my mom, I just ramble and ramble and ramble some more! After awhile, she tells me that she needs time to think, and that I have to be quiet.
… And yet I still keep talking. Until she gets irritated, at least. xD I CAN’T HELP MYSELF!
Hehe….Yep…that’s me with my husband. hehehe. Patient mom you have. 🙂
Yes, very much so. Especially considering that I seem to be able to maintain a monologue about whatever it is I’m thinking of (usually anime) for at least an hour. xD At least.