For years I’ve been searching for ways to unwind. I’ve been to meditation retreats, listened to visualizations on cd, and learned sound therapy and chanting; I’ve read countless books on meditation techniques, from modern to ancient. I’ve listened to gurus and people I consider saints on earth. And still, with all my seeking, I couldn’t unwind and relax.
I figured out recently, as I seem to be figuring out so much as of late, that I don’t have a typical mind for relaxation. HELLO! Kind of an amazing discovery–don’t you think. It’s okay, if you know me, and by know me I mean read my inner most thoughts, perfectly spelled out for you on my blog, or in person, if we meet casually over coffee for the first time, then you know my brain is a non-stop dyno (as in dynamite) nugget of extreme reeling discoveries and energy. I download stuff all day from some vast emptiness of the collective unconscious, listen to my angels “babble,” (they said I could say that/they have great senses of humor), compose poetry, prose, and verse in my head, and constantly make connections, classify, find patterns, all while reminding myself how to live in the present, breathe deeply, and find joy in everyone and everything.
Not an easy task, being me. And definitely not a brain that shuts off easily, even in down-mode.
Heck, in down-mode, I have dreams almost all night, some fantastically wild, and some prophetic. There isn’t peace in my mind. There just isn’t. I know. I searched!
At least there is not PEACE in the traditional sense, but there is peace. I was looking in all the right places, I just forgot to consider whom I was searching for.
I forgot, believe it or not, that I’m not a typical fish! I’m just not. I’m atypical, like lots of the coolest people (a.k.a. geeks, dorkpots, angels, aliens, dweebs) stuck on this blue planet. I forgot my brain is SPECIAL. Yes, I said it, I’m special. Gosh darn it! And so are you!
I realized that when I do things I always have three things happening at the exact same time:
1) I am doing for a purpose. There just has to be a clear purpose, something I can physically see and experience, and something I can logically process and understand. And usually, something I can also explain and demonstrate to others. The Teach in me.
2) There has to be a motivation. I don’t care if it’s chocolate, trying to impress a visiting relative, a mad dash to complete a procrastinated task, the want to finally clear out the clutter so I can breathe, or a need to fixate or obsess. There just needs to be some type of motivation. Often this motivation is someone else or an upcoming deadline or event. (Oh…to help someone…I ought to include that to sound more saintly; don’t you think?)
3) There needs to be an audience. I don’t exist as a singular unit. I am not a one. I shall never be a one or feel like a one. I do not feel like I exist unless I can share what I am thinking. Double-that when it comes to doing: I do not feel like I exist if I cannot share something I have done. Whatever I am doing, I imagine explaining my action to someone else or teaching what I’m doing. Indeed, I think I spend my day teaching mini-lessons to an imaginary audience. Yes, even when I’m on the toilet. And if I picked my nose, (which I never ever do), then I’d imagine an audience then, too. This makes life hard sometimes, because I am literally constantly on stage, even when I’m undressing, eating, or showing an extreme emotion. Imagine the pressure, now multiply that by a billion-trillion.
When I tried to mediate, as hard as I tried, it didn’t feel like there was a purpose. Primarily, because I feel tapped into Universal-Energy all day long. I don’t disconnect from source. I just don’t. I’m always trying to be a living, breathing example of the best possible earth-bound soul I can be. I give myself breaks through logical reasoning and statistics, when I seemingly falter, for instance, by remembering great spiritual teachers of our times, and how they were not perfect, how they experienced an extreme of emotions and what could be considered failings.
When I tried to meditate, as hard as I tried, I didn’t feel like I had a teachable moment. I just didn’t know how to explain empty space and not thinking. Or letting thoughts flow and then gently releasing. I didn’t get blank space and just being in the silence. And plus, I was super bored. I can’t even get through a staff meeting without doodling, tapping my neighbor several times, and making goofy offhand comments. Being with myself, alone in a room, in silence, was torture. I could carry on a whole ADHD session with myself in my head. And it wasn’t the least bit of fun.
When I tried to meditate, there wasn’t an audience. There just wasn’t. Who wants to stare at me while I’m sitting there doing nothing…I know, I know…it’s something. I read the books; I told you that already. But really, it looks like nothing. And, yes, I do think watching me put on socks or floss my teeth would be more interesting than watching me sit, and try to get comfortable in a body that isn’t comfortable in one position for very long.
I have found the best two ways possible to meditate. I can imagine a complete audience; I have a purpose; and I am motivated.
1) I meditate while listening to music in the bathtub while soaking in something nurturing for my body and spirit (bath salts, dead sea salts, essential oils, vitamin C), while conditioning my hair, and stopping occasionally to scrub certain spots to make sure there is no visible dirt on the tub or walls. I do this while blasting music from my I-Pod shuffle. I listen to the random songs and meditate to the music. I sink down low, and let my body be still, and I breathe deep. I feel so relaxed, sometimes as if I am elevated above my body. And I always hear the most perfect songs for the moment. Sometimes a meditation/visualization selection comes on during the music shuffle, and if that’s the case, I go with it. I feel like I am accomplishing so much at one time, that I can RELAX!!!!
2) I get almost naked, turn up my far infared sauna, blast “Dancing Queen” and dance, while seated. See I demonstrate this in the photo above. Aren’t I cute. I imagine an audience watching me, and I imagine teaching this as a sort of class, and I’m detoxing through sweating, and dancing, and laughing all at once. During this 30 minutes of hot mama meditation, I close my eyes and have the most wonderful soul connections. Today I cried tears of joy, over and over, as I could see many of my relatives that have past on and pets all dancing with me. They formed a circle around me and went round and round energizing my chakras and loving me! Then we were all on stage, any age we wanted to be, and my loved ones were lifting me up. They showed me as a baby, and they lifted me high, high, high into the air. And they healed me. They went through different stages of my life, lifted the ME that was during that time, and healed me. I was overcome with delight. I was laughing so deeply and so truly, from the very depths of my spirit, that I felt indeed I resembled a crazy man running down the street in bewildered blow-your-mind away glee. At one point I actually thought: What if I can’t stop being this happy! The tears kept coming. The giggles so very real that they were alive. For the time being I was truly out of my mind, not in the NUTTY ME way, but in the ability to escape my thoughts, my worries, my everything. I was no longer in my body. I was joyous and one with all.
To me this is my meditation. I’m certain there are critics out there who can quote the benefits of the empty, or the still, of the nothing, but at this point my mind does not have that capacity. For me, this is the first step towards bliss; actually both ways, the bath and sauna, are bliss. They are my meditation, my being me and loving me and connecting with me.
I have to laugh, as I just realized I’m either nude or almost naked when I meditate. That totally figures!
What is wonderful, as life is full of coincidences for me lately, is that as soon as I was finished, and started blaring music while showering, this song came on in my I-Pod shuffle. It described my experience in the sauna of being a baby held up in the light of love, perfectly; so much so that I actually pointed to the ceiling and said, “You guys; you guys are too much!” I’m not certain, but I’m fairly sure, my angels smiled!
“O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She’ll make her way ”
Here is the magic Hot Mama Meditation. Or Hot Papa Meditation. 🙂 Enjoy. I like the Mamma Mia! version because the energy of that movie is so good.