332: Letting Go

Photo on 2-20-13 at 10.49 AM #2

***
I drove 1700 miles over the four-day weekend.
I grounded myself in my roots near the ocean-side of the Monterey California Peninsula.
I spent the weekend with my dear aunt, a devout and very loving Catholic.
I slept in my nana’s and nano’s room that has been untouched by the years, with aged prints of Mother Mary and Jesus set about me.
I slept in their bed, where they’d slept so many years together, long ago, before they passed on to another place.
And I felt remarkable healing.

I drove alone, and had in total, through several trips, over a day’s traveling time, some twenty-six hours alone on the road.
I prayed a lot. I laughed and I cried.
I sang to music.

I found myself again.
I didn’t let the invisible fear slip in.
Each time I felt a pain in my body or mind, I released the fear to God, and watched as thoughts evaporated and lightness entered me.
I didn’t hurt, despite my muscle condition; I was able to sit for an extended time and remained energetic and able to function at a high-level.
I was happy.
I was me and loved my company.

I was nurtured by loved ones and by myself, well-fed to the point of my chubby cheeks and lovely soul growing a few inches.
I nurtured every part of me. I walked and slept deeply.
Each night, in my grandparents’ room, I was blanketed in the deepest warmth and adoration. I have never felt such love.
I awoke refreshed and renewed.

The visions still came and are still coming, and so is the sadness, sorrow, and suffering. But there remains so much hope and thoughts of goodness to come. And I recognize the goodness is already here. Right here in me.

I am realizing with this traveling of body and spirit that I was happiest when I was teaching. I was happiest when I had a reason to get up and get out of the house, a responsibility beyond appointments and housecleaning and driving.

I am searching now, inside, wondering where I will go next, what my soul longs for, and whom she longs to be with. I miss the company of others, and realize that although my recent social isolation felt necessary that I now wish to return to a semblance of the life I had before, when I moved in the world more frequently with others and when I was confident in my work.

I have hidden a lot in the past twelve years, since I left the public schools, hidden at home and in my own thoughts. I have too much time to think, too much time to process and worry, and too much opportunity to over-weigh my choices and decisions repeatedly.

I need to be, and in my being, I need to be with other people more. I need to create friendships and connections here, in this place I have lived for almost three years. It’s time to stop searching for me and just be.

I have set some “goals” for myself, loose ones with no restrictions or necessity, no demands or “musts” attached, just ideas that I am releasing to my higher power, creations of whom I’d like to be again. Not just the part of me I released over a decade ago, but the part of me that had so much joy and eagerness for life.
I am slowly finding her, rekindling her flame.

I had to let myself burn in the fire awhile, slowly cinder there in deep reflection of self and my travels.

But I think I’m done with that now, the analysis and ins and outs of who this person that is me be.

I know I am love and light.
I know I am beautiful.
I know I am worthy of love and adoration.

I know I have an abundance of love and service to give.
And now I release this part of me, this “pain body,” this searcher, this wanderer continually searching for that which is nowhere to be found.
For I am here. I always have been, as has my God.

And so I am trusting in my next steps, not so much blindly, but with the legion of selves I have created at my side, cheering me on;
and I am releasing, with every part of my self, all pain to the higher realm.

I am releasing. I am letting go. And in so doing, I am free.

Blessings and love,
Sam

I find his music to be very healing. I memorized this song. It’s gorgeous, as is his spirit.

This is who I am:
555826_10200575910870333_815695153_n

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19 thoughts on “332: Letting Go

  1. “I have set some “goals” for myself, loose ones with no restrictions or necessity, no demands or “musts” attached, just ideas that I am releasing to my higher power, creations of whom I’d like to be again.”

    Me too my friend! Your recent journey sounds very similar to mine, even though I was not alone very much I seemed to find my way through the muddled tunnel I felt I was in.

    I have made some major changes and I am heading down the parallel healing road with you. Shall we skip along the bubbly stones that burst with helical colors that leads us on the way of grandtastical things? 🙂

    So happy to read your lovely words and hear about your quest for new adventures! Much love and light to you! ~~ Angel

  2. Sam, with all the fine writing and thoughts and info you have at your disposal, did you ever consider doing some public speaking on Aspergers with small groups, schools, and such?
    Just a thought. I know that might be difficult for you, but I bet you would be good.
    Teddy

  3. I so glad you are refreshed and anew. This trip is probably the best thing you could have done for yourself. You give so much of yourself to so many its not a wonder that your well ran dry. But now you seem replenished and ready for the next set of adventures. Growth can be painful, but the pain is only short lived. Life has so much more to offer and you are now growing into a new and vibrant role. Keep the faith and don’t look back. Embrace all the good that is coming to you. Keep up the excellent work you have been doing and continue getting your words out to the masses. They need you out here. Continue your journey to blessed wellness and freeness of being my friend.

  4. This is such an uplifting post to read Sam!! I’m so glad your trip served you well, and was everything you had hoped for. You are brave. I like John Denver, in high school, people called me John Denver, I liked him, so it didnt bother me at all! I think it was because I wore wire framed glasses! Glad your back!!

  5. “Hidden at home with my own thoughts”….too much time to think, too much time to overprocess. I was self-employed and worked from home and that’s how it was for me too. It wasn’t until I did the unthinkable and got a 9-5 job three months ago, did I realize I was happier with routine interaction….it’s a fascinating experiment and I love daydreaming now about the perfect hybrid career between at-home self-employment blended with routine interaction. 🙂 That being said….I’m due for a roadtrip. 🙂

    1. Yep, yep, yep…. your comment with my words has been anchoring in my thoughts; this is a real truism for me at the moment. I am putting “it” out there that I’m ready to be out of the house more…I shall wait and see what unfolds. Thank you for commenting. Means much. 🙂

  6. Everything about your post is so uplifting Sam! I am honored to have been able to witness your pages turning over this past year, and look forward to sharing in the upcoming chapters of your amazing journey. I love you so much! ❤

    1. Just read this and wanted to share it with you.
      “The three things we crave most in life: happiness, freedom, and peace of mind, are always attained by giving them to someone else. The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped. You have two hands. One to help yourself, the second to help others.” — Unknown

  7. Hi Sam. If you get the opportunity I think you would really enjoy a book named “Cave in the Snow” by a western women named Vicki Mackenzie.
    Great Post. Happy for you 🙂

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