420: 10 Things Not to Say or Do When I am Sad

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10 Things Not to Say or Do When I am Sad

1. Don’t ask me to explain or reason my way out. When I am sad I have already evaluated everything ‘to death.’ I have looked at the pros and cons of my own life and my own suffering. I am no dummy. In fact, part of the problem I am so sad, is because I am so dang smart. I am my worst criticizer and have evaluated all the benefits of not being sad verses being happy a thousand times, and the worst part is that I cannot reason myself out of the sadness and feel happy.

2. Don’t tell me I need a pharmaceutical drug. Chances are, I’ve done my research or tried the drug before. My body is so very sensitive that any chemicals I put into my body cause adverse reactions. I get the so called ‘side effects.’ I am that less than 1%. I am the canary in the coalmine. I am the one you read about that gets the suicidal thoughts from anti-depressants and the one that has bizarre things happening to her body when I ingest foreign substances. I am already affected by the environmental pollutants, the toxins in our water and food, the hormones injected into products, and the chemicals that seep out of most homes. Truth is, I likely would be far happier if I lived in a world that didn’t reek of destruction.

3. Don’t tell me you know the reason for my sadness. More than likely, if it’s not my PMS or PMDD, or the result of an auto-immune disorder, or a variant enzyme, an allergic reaction, a virus or illness, or something or another that is deficient or out of whack, perhaps in my intestines or stomach, then it is situational. And not just the typical situations, like a bad day at work or a letdown. I have learned not to let ‘bad’ days affect me. I have ‘bad’ moments, each and every hour, I have ‘bad’ moments, and I choose to spend my day grasping onto the light and the goodness of the day. Only sometimes, I get tired of reaching and trying. My life is a struggle to fit in, to appear ‘normal,’ to follow the ‘rules,’ to even understand the ‘rules.’ I am exhausted. I am a warrior who wakes up every day with the past day erased, all the previous trials conquered gone, all the accomplishes vanished, and I have to start from square one to try to make sense of a world in which I do not feel I belong.

4. Don’t give me advice. You have no advice I have not heard, read, seen, felt, or experienced. One way or another I have studied what you will say. I have studied emotions and reactions in films, in music, in literature, even in nonsensical jokes and in animal behavior. I understand emotions and I understand my sadness. I read to understand myself and I even study you to understand myself. I know more than you think. I may not know the root cause, but I know that there isn’t an answer you have that I don’t have within myself. Your suggestions of correct verbiage, positive thoughts, rest, fresh air, exercise, meditation, visualization, diet, supplements, and the lot, do nothing more than boggle my brain and make me think you care more about your role as a want-to-be helper than you do about my pain. I can’t be the object of your fixing. I don’t want to be and refuse to take on that role. I am not less than you in my sadness and you do not have the secret key I need. I did not express I was sad because I look to you for answers. I told you of my sorrow because I just long to feel less alone.

5. Don’t tell me what I have to be grateful for. Don’t suggest I make a list. That is crap. To me I am grateful for the tiniest of thoughts, gifts, and actions that most people take advantage of. The near site of the dew of the grass, the soft smell of the fire-painted lily, the brilliance of a child’s laugh, the comfort of my favorite blanket, or favorite song..all these lift me. So much of the world lifts me. Many moments I travel in a world so extraordinary and filled with magic that I thank life for just my essence, to just to be in the midst of such glory. My list of gratefulness is not divided by good things or bad things. I stopped judging the right from wrong, and the just from the unjust, a long time ago. I live in the space in between the extremes of yes and no, and laugh at the ones who think their view is the only view. I can’t see making a list of all that is good without classifying at the same time in invisible ink what is bad, or worse, what others are lacking. I am no less and no more grateful than the homeless man on the street. If he is happy, I am happy. If he is sad, I am sad. To even make a list seems to me pompous and unjust, to single out how lucky I am in such a world of misfortune makes no sense, unless I hold greed as a virtue. Unless I see myself as dutifully worthy based on my profiting and others’ lacking. Unless I single out what is entirely missing from another to satisfy my own growing need for satisfaction. And anything of material I would attempt to scribe as benefit, I would rather break apart into a thousand pieces and feed the world. I don’t believe I can classify what happens in my life as good, bad, tragic, ugly, or beautiful. I only know it happens, and is happening. And for what reason is still to be seen. I know to let go and let my higher source lead. But when I am very, very sad, sometimes I forget how to release; I forget how to let go of the clinging of suffering. I forget I am not alone onto myself.

6. Don’t tell me how wonderful I am. I know who I am. I know through and through. I know I am kind, gentle, sweet, generous, forgiving, genuine, giving, smart, keen, and many other positive attributes. I am not sad because I have lost sight of why I am enough. I know I am enough. I am sad because the world has lost sight of me. Because I long to reach out and connect but when I do, I often feel nothing reaching back. To touch another fully, is all I want. To touch in full extreme, without pretention, want, need, expectation, goal, or outcome. To just touch. I, as I wait in my own self-created exile, as I wait without the sense of feeling another, grow in sadness.

7. Don’t tell me ‘this too shall pass.’ I know the sayings and tons of other random words collected to form reprieve. I am an avid reader and collector of quotes. I am a philosopher, an artist, a creator. I have the heart of a lover, the mind of a composer, and the spirit of a warrior. I am brilliant in my creation, and I understand the ebbs and flows of life. I move like the sea with the moon. I move like the willow with the wind. I am affected by the give and take of the world, by nature, by weather, by other people, events, and tragedy. I dream things. I see things. I experience emotions in extremes, and sometimes cannot tell if I am carrying my own pain or the pain of another. People find me. I don’t know how, but they do. And I am a vessel of sorts, harboring the lonely through the storm. They crawl in with their tears and woes, and their aches leak through me, crushing me to the core. I know everything will pass. And I know still that life is a cycle, and like the seasons, my sorrow will come again. Do not attempt to help me to look forward to the end of my pain, help me to go through my pain.

8. Don’t criticize or mock me. I cannot help how I am. Do not call me ‘overboard,’ ‘too much,’ ‘too intense,’ or the like. I cannot help that I am the way I am. I can often control my behaviors and be the best person I can be, and I do this daily. But my emotions sometimes take over. I don’t know how or why, beyond conjecture, but they do. And the more I fight the wave of pain, the more the pain comes. Sometimes I need to submit. To be in the turmoil, so that the tunnel evaporates and the light comes again. I fret over the tiniest of perceived imperfections in the way I treat others. I judge myself for not being caring enough, attentive enough, or loving enough. I cannot lie without deep remorse. I cannot have enemies. I cannot even hate. I know not this emotion hate beyond the emotion of anger turned deep sadness. All is huge to me. There isn’t a small suffering. I hurt for the tiny spider as much as the buffalo. I long for the rescue of the persecuted innocent as much as the child without parent. I feel and take in such extreme happenings, and know not where to lay my burden down. Just as I spend all day, moment to moment, contemplating how to maneuver in a world that remains unfamiliar, I spend my inches of time trying to figure out how to again release my burden, where this time to bury my woe. Shall it be in words, in rhythm, in rhyme, in the deep wilderness real or the serenity of my imaginations? Will I get lost again in my escaping? Where shall I take this misery and when will I have my fill? Do not criticize me and do not tease me. Do not laugh or giggle your way into a stream of mockery aimed at me. I do not do what I do for attention or purpose. I do not do what I do because I want to. I do not do what I do because I am confused or made wrong. I am perfect in my being. I am just sad. I am sad. I am sad.

9. Don’t abandon me. Do not leave my side, if I need you there. Do not hang up the phone, if I am crying. Do not say you will return, and then not call. Don’t say something, and not mean it. Don’t lie to try to make me feel better. Tell me straight what you think. You covering up only makes things worse. The world is already unsafe with its lies and trickery. I need you to be safe. I need your word to be strong. I need your integrity, your honesty, your truth. I need you to be that light that I am, to prove to me again you are here and I am not alone. If you do this, if you are loyal and true, when my sadness goes, when it is lifted, I shall be at your side with the beauty I am, pleasing you in your times of suffering, and holding your hand in your deepest need.

10. Don’t perceive me as something I am not. Try not to label me. To find the answer that brings you closure. It is not my job in life to fit neatly in a box for your comfort. My moods are my moods, my pain, my pain. My emotion is not a reflection of you, nor a product of you, any more than my happiness. I don’t expect anything of you in your pain and sorrow, so please don’t expect anything of me. Don’t make me your martyr, your angel, or your giving-spirit. Don’t make me the melancholic one or the hopeless creature. I am what I am, and what you create of me is neither here nor there, no less truth than what I create. I need you to try to not see me through the eyes of fear, but through the eyes of love. To bathe me in acceptance and forgiveness. To love me enough in my completion that you in turn love yourself in completion. If you can do that, if you can look past my ‘flaws,’ past the definition and existence of ‘flaws,’ and see into my suffering the very spirit reborn into darkness, soon to be sprung into light, then I shall have hope. If I can see me as hope, I will be hope. If you can hold me as hope, I shall be the very essence that you perceive in your grasp. And we can meet there, in that space between the suffering and hope, and merge, per chance, in that shimmer of a second, as one.

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59 thoughts on “420: 10 Things Not to Say or Do When I am Sad

  1. Thank you for stating this in a blunt manner, I will let my Hubby read it, as this reflects the way that I feel about these things. So nice to see such similar thoughts as my own.

    1. I am so glad to hear this….I feel much less alone with you about. I am not glad that you suffer, of course, but that you understand and that my words my help bring clarity to your experience. Such a blessing you are. Thanks you.

  2. Here! Here! Applicable to all humans. Or so I think. Talk. Hugs. Snuggles. Mutual tears. Silent support. Variables depending on the moment. Tea. Some tea and a bath made for you by someone who loves you. 🙂 hugs Sam. Long time no see. Hope you’re well.

  3. Do not dismiss my sadness as if it is trivial. Do not say “You are so strong.” Right now I am not. Right now I cannot be your rock. Right now I need someone to lean on. Be present. Let me be weak.

    I love what you wrote “Only sometimes, I get tired of reaching and trying. My life is a struggle to fit in, to appear ‘normal,’ to follow the ‘rules,’ to even understand the ‘rules.’ I am exhausted.” Some days, I need to collapse – physically, emotionally. Do not take my sadness personally. It is not a reflection of you.

  4. Again… It never ceases to amaze me that I could have written this word for word!:)! The thing is that many find it haughty- why do they find truthful statements haughty? Because to me it is so soulful, even being confident paradoxically can be humble… ESP in honesty and innocence. I feel the exact same way. Truthfully I get a bit livid when people try to do these ten things when I am sad. I’ve learned to make that anger to be energy instead to propel me to be what others want when they are sad and to ask this of those who truly claim to love me.
    Thank you for giving words when I needed them. It’s often serendipitous to the point of eerie when you write a post the exact day I think upon such things and long for the energy to write the words. I have the words but I just haven’t been into writing lately. Thanks for that energy!!!;)
    Love and healing

  5. Why are so many people so scared of when other people’s so-called “negative” emotions that they have to try and jolly them out of them, as if feeling sad or depressed is letting the team down in some way or something? Sheesh.

    1. They are scared of negative emotions and want to change yours, because they can’t deal with their own, it’s just too threatening for their existence.

      1. Exactly. Projection. There’s a lot of that we people do. I think how much fresher life would feel if we are all able to own our poo and deal with it 🙂

    2. It is interesting. We are taught to not be sad, but the media breeds fear…it’s so ironic and such a huge trap. Even the ‘enlightened” new agers tell us how to think and what to think…perpetuating more feelings of lacking and not enough. It is an endless cycle, with the only comfort found (for me) deep within…where the judgers stop. xo

  6. Dear Sam, thank you for helping me from so far away. I am a 63 year old woman living in Liverpool England. Just wanted to say thank you for allowing me to clarify my own thoughts through your words.

  7. I get it and I relate to those thoughts.

    I also know how difficult it is to be the other person. When someone in our life is hurting, we want to help. We want to comfort them. That’s not so easy, and we make mistakes. We often try to help the other person the way we would want to be comforted. We’re just trying our best. Also, just because the other person is miserable about their own thing, doesn’t mean everything’s just fine for the person doing the comforting.

    I get how you feel, but I also feel that in your telling me how not to comfort you, you are expecting too much of me and are judging me for my mistakes.

    Even in our own pain we need to have empathy and compassion for the people around us who are just trying to do their best the only way they know how.

    1. It wasn’t written for you or about you. It was just written, without expectation or anything.. We all are who we are. At this moment this is what came through me. Each moment is different. All of us comfort and receive comfort in so many ways…this is just one tiny part of what I feel. No judging intending. But thanks for sharing.

  8. As an Aspie who’s also somewhere in the lovely Pacific Northwest, I want to thank you for this blog – all of it. I’ve read a handful of the posts and I feel as if I could have written each of them, verbatim, but at the same time I sense a depth and clarity and acceptance in your writing that I haven’t quite reached for myself as an Aspie. Thank you for acknowledging the strengths and weaknesses of your experience without trying to decode or soften or reorganize them for NT’s. You’ve inspired me to finally start exploring my own experience with curiosity and acceptance, instead of trying to dismiss it as inexplicable and unknowable. I’m not alone. Thank you.

  9. The Bible says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I think that is very good advice and helps me if I am sad, if someone can understand and just weep with me or be with me and not try to “fix it”. 🙂

  10. ‘I’m wonderful me, don’t tell me anything.’ That is the thing I find hardest with my own articulate, clever aspie daughter. It is that defining of ones own boundaries that is so limiting and the absolute refusal to consider anything that you haven’t thought of yourself. That is why aspies come across as arrogant/haughty. A cage of limitations drawn by ones own mind but just as inhibiting as metal bars. Don’t you feel you’re just rearranging the furniture inside your little cage and taking selfies of it all? I’m a few points off being an aspie myself so I live most of my life in the cage of my own making but do think you can learn and grow by degrees. I believe that others opinions can be worthwhile….. I find it liberating to do a non-thinking activity like ironing or laundry. Can’t actually stop the thinking process but doing something physical tethers me to the real world. You write well.

  11. Every word resonated deeply with something inside of my soul, words I could only feel in my whole life…and only feel them alone, in my isolated, inner cave of subjective experiences. And now there it is, finally someone shows a successful attempt to use such a limiting tool as language to express these feelings. A `thank you` is not enough.
    Love

  12. This makes so much sense. I have only begun blogging myself and so did not see this post until today, but I can relate to everything you said. I, too, have suffered depression and profound isolation in the past, and well-meaning advice often only served to make things worse. Often, I found that the only mechanisms that allowed me to cope involved solitude–not the advice of others. Thank you for posting this!

    By the way, please excuse any spelling or grammatical mistakes in this comment. I am visually-impaired, and the comment field is not altogether accessible with my screen-reading technology, making editing very difficult.

  13. Reading this has been like reading an accurate analysis of myself. This is how I feel everyday, all the time, and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Like you, I have the heart of a lover, and it can be so intense. Recently, I have developed intense emotions for a wonderful woman, and we have so much in common (spiritual, physical, and so much more), and get along so well, but she is in a relationship, but does have the same feelings for me. Things are complicated, as they always are. She has deep feelings for me, as I do for her, but she also has a strong sense of obligation, and will not leave her current relationship. Her heart leads her to me, and her friend has told her to follow her heart, but it is hard for her.

    We both care for each other so much. But, it will not go much further. Because of having this heart of a lover, it is killing me. I have such strong feelings for her. It is like we are true soul mates. I have this strong feeling of being with her, holding her, loving her, and, just being with her. I cannot describe the intensity that keeps me up at night.

    That’s all I have to say, other than this really sucks. I am now left with this feeling of never being fulfilled again. Yeah, life can really suck.

  14. Dear Aspergers Girls,
    I love your writing. I keep erasing what I write here because it doesn’t seem good enough but I just wanted to say Thank you so much. I’m at the library now printing some of your posts to be able to keep and read them at difficult times. Thanks again.

  15. I could not possibly agree more with everything you wrote here. Excellent list! For me, not sure about anyone else, when I’m sad, all I really, really want is for someone to listen, validate, and reassure me that things are going to be okay. Tell me this feeling is temporary. Because these are the things that give me the strength to ride out the storm.

  16. This post is incredible.
    That word, that ‘incredible’ sorely underrated the genius you possess in your artistry. I cannot take up the task of congratulating you for your phenomenal talent. I am a writer and as I read, I was reminded of John Keats and his inexplicable poetry. To give a single word of praise would be to undermine the pure incredible brilliance that runs through your words like a shaft of light cast through a dusty room.
    My friend, you are a wunderkind.
    Lydia

  17. “I am a warrior who wakes up every day with the past day erased, all the previous trials conquered gone, all the accomplishes vanished, and I have to start from square one to try to make sense of a world in which I do not feel I belong.”

    I thought this was what everyone did. Have struggled for years. Crying as I write this. I thought all that sadness that clings like a sticky residue was because of things in my childhood, things I always felt I should be over. Now I understand. It’s such a huge relief. Thank you so much for finding the words and the strength to publish this.

  18. My family members all the time say that I am wasting my time here at web, but I know I am
    getting know-how every day by reading such nice articles or reviews.

  19. Very clear and to the point. I used to identify with all 10. I now believe number 4 is off the mark. All opinions are worth hearing, nobody knows everything (even about themselves) and things change. However YES it Does FEEL that way a LOT!

    1. I try to avoid giving out my opinion, unless solicited. Sometimes, not always, I feel it diminishes the person, making them feel like they don’t have the answers already… and in my ‘opinion’ lol…. most people have the answers. Sometimes I do solicit opinions, often… but when I am devastated already I only wish to be heard and seen. Thank you

  20. Wow, just cried myself through this whole post 🙂 This is amazing, literally everything you say is what I was feeling but couldn’t put into words without sounding crazy.. Thanks so much for expressing it so perfectly, now I can show my family to explain what goes on in my head 🙂

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