My thoughts upon waking this morning:
“Most days on my newsfeed for my like-page on a social media network (Facebook), I offer out many so-called ‘positives.’ I make posters with messages about love and light, sometimes about experiences some of us share. I giggle, lol, do the heart thing, poke fun at my quirks. I post silly you tubes. I post my son being handcuffed, a link to my mammogram ‘taking the ladies out,’ and/or teenage puberty puns.. I try to maintain a balance in my life of seriousness, introspection, and humor. Face-to-face my friends and I crack up all the time. I love to laugh.
I have chronic pain and have been in the house mostly for 3 + weeks, but I am getting better. Yay! I am also waiting for a brain MRI result. So yesterday I scanned through posts 321 – 340, the dark night of the soul part of my blog. And the depth of self and spirit brought me solace. Most of what I posted here yesterday was links or poems from there, or from an advocacy piece ‘I Am Elephant.’
What I posted here yesterday was not how I was feeling all at once… I am not that complex and prolific. lol. And not depressed. I am reflective and in that waiting stage of wanting to know health results and letting go of the attachment to the outcome, as I’m sure many of you know well.
It was not my intention to bombard anyone with ‘negative’ or ‘sad’ posts. I just know as a sensitive soul, that when I can see someone else is feeling or has felt the same as me, I feel far less alone. I share my sadness, not to be lifted or to be sheltered or cared for…I have plenty of that. I share because I have been to deep places that some others can at times not comprehend or understand without placing judgment. And I want YOU to know I understand and do not judge where you have been or will be.
I know I will be evaluated and sliced and diced by some, and yesterday was no exception. And in truth, that is still the scariest part for me: Risking my entire self and knowing I will be evaluated. But the illusion of fear will never stop me from shining my light. Never stop my authentic self.
If I need to be melancholic one day, or share melancholic works one day, to shine brighter the next, I shall. And it’s really up to the reader to decide what my motive is. I can’t decide that for anyone. I hide nothing. I know it’s not the current trend….. I know I am not all smiley faces and think positive and be the best you… but I am ME.
I choose you and your light over fear, over trends, over anything. Thank you for allowing me the space to be me. I truly feel we are family.”
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I still feel more when someone critiques me verses compliments me. In fact, I still feel close to nothing when someone compliments me. I just can’t feel it. I don’t know why. But it doesn’t feel like a bad thing. It feels quite good—like others’ opinions are not who I am. However, when someone is passing judgment in a way that does not resonate with my core being, I feel this intense rattling.
I then go through a process similar to this:
1. Is this truly reflective of where I am at in this moment?
2. What is this teaching me?
3. Is this something I can learn from?
4. Is this of value to my journey?
5. Did I overlook something?
6. Do I need to look at this more deeply?
This process either takes seconds or hours.
I then decide if the gift someone else has offered me is for the betterment of my being or better to return calmly. In the case of anger, I often return it calmly. Not in manners or actions, but by spiritually sweeping the energy away. Thank you, but no thank you.
I visualize, (as I was taught in Buddhist readings), a gift being presented to me with outstretched arms, and me smiling, accepting and saying thank you, holding, and then reaching out my arms and returning the gift, with a gentle ‘no thank you.’
Oftentimes a surge of energy moves through me as I am holding the gift offered that does not resonate with my core being, and I write this energy out with a powerful force.
As I write, I have to shave off the ego, the defensive me that wants to barge through and proclaim: I AM right. I have to laugh at this ego-part, and recognize I am being humbled and growing further.
I notice that when I am concentrating on spreading love and light and connection that the bombardment of judgment about me comes on stronger. It’s a definite one-to-one. The evaluations of me come in huge waves, typically. Not just one person, but several, a building momentum that I find fascinating. Gifts of all sorts come tumbling towards me, one after the other.
I understand, too, through all this, that anything anyone thinks, feels, or says about me is an evaluation; whether interpreted as truth or falsehood, or right or wrong, or good or bad by me, makes no difference. It’s all judgment, at one level or another. It’s all resonating, deciphering, rejecting, and sifting,this process people go through in observing another. I think perhaps I can feel this process though, like tentacles fingering into me. And I think it can be oftentimes discomforting: some alien life form penetrating into my bubble of space to feed into who I am and conclude what I am.
It’s the conclusions that are hard for me to digest—the end product of what is brought out into the light.
I keep waiting to be seen in completion, and keep realizing that this is far beyond the capacity our limited human senses.
Everyday Asperger's 
Took a moment out of surfing the net to sip my coffee and read your post. Your thoughts, as always, are so well put. Look forward to the next one. It’s remarkable, I can always grasp what you are saying. You dissect the gooey mass with such elegance, and I hope you don’t mind the reference, but you are like an advocate for turning the fuzzy into the focused, and this helps me sort my own thoughts out.
I am so happy to know we are connecting at some level. It is my truest hope to bring some benefit to others. So thank you for this gift of acknowledgment. Much love.
Hello – I saw you mention that you had some dark night posts that you had recently reread and found solace. I use poetry as my pressure relief valve, but find it difficult to reread my dark night poems because I tend to be judgmental of myself, so have deleted many poems over the years (99% of them) as being too this or that or not enough this or that. When I’m hurting and need solace, the poems seem brilliant and insightful and others who have read them have told me the same. But when I’m feeling “better” (i.e., in less emotional pain) the same poems seem stupid or even embarrassing. Yet a part of me believes that I should be keeping them if for no other reason than to see how I progress over the years both as a poet and human being. Thoughts?
Seems you already answered your question: In your last full sentence…. to see how you transition. I would always say to another to follow their heart and gut. You know what to do. And it seems they are already your teachers, even through the process of erasing you are learning. Thank you for sharing. Lovely to hear your thoughts.
Pain stinks – I have been fortunate to find solutions but I know for many they are left wanting. I hope your lightness helps dispel whatever is ailing you. Love your posts – just being real (-: Many Blessings, Jackie
I have chronic pain caused by a medical condition for which I take a prescribed medication. Some days, the pain seems unbearable, but I soldier on. Thank you for your willingness to share your innermost self. You are a brave, strong woman.
That rattling sensation that you mention..I dislike it intensely, I liken it to the rattling and pressure feeling that accompanies me when a Semi truck passes me on the road at high speed and close proximity. It is both unexpected and frightening, but it is his vacuum, not mine, and soon I am free and on my way to my destination. The bigger the brute, the bigger the vacuum.
I posted a link to your blog at https://twitter.com/autistry
thank you 🙂