I am so very sad today.
I have been crying since last night. This is a confusing part of my life; more confusing in some ways than the rest, and less in other ways, but regardless confusing. I find myself alone and frightened, and at the same time protected and guided. I am stepping out of self, as I often do, and watching silently, as I process through what need be done. I am certainly mourning; what I am mourning is not as important, as the reason why I am mourning. I am mourning over substantial loss. The what of it? The who, the reasons, the particularities, the details, don’t matter much. It’s all the same pain. All the same tears. This sadness.
I am mourning because if I don’t I cannot move on, and will find myself in this dreadful place of sorrow far too long. And so I weep, not because I am forlorn or even truly lost, for I know soon I will be content, but because I know I need to go through this to get to the other side.
I feel misunderstood as of late, and this has been a constant in my life, this aspect of being misunderstood.
I have moments of bliss, when I connect to what I choose to call my angels or God, moments of profound insight and reprieve. I find refuge in my moments of connection with the collective, the All, the source. But the instances don’t last, and I am left here; or so it seems.
This morning I am feeling very much ‘left,’ broken and left, as abandoned debris. Even as I know this to be an untruth, I still experience it as a strong reality. I still watch as a part of me suffers so, in the regurgitation of fears and missed opportunity. I am not selfish in my dallying in pain, only staking myself here a bit, until the time comes that I can glide out and be alive again—in the light, and in accordance with my higher self.
This state is difficult to maneuver within; alongside the tears and sense of overwhelming despair, remains the long distance hope, unreachable though it be.
I feel misunderstood in many ways. And as hard as I try, this continues to happen. It isn’t that I am flawed or that the other is wrong; it’s just the way it is. And with each time this happens, I break a bit, having exposed myself fully and been knocked down dubiously. I haven’t yet learned how to not expose myself. Despite the little nagging voices that warn me, that tell me how to be, how to play, how to act—regardless I still don’t ‘act’ correctly. At least not in accordance to the mainstream, not even it accordance to the side-stream.
What is it about me that has to be this way? Why do I have to be different? And so complicated inside. So utterly confusing.
My entire life, I have only longed to be loved and understood. Loved in completion and understood in completion. I always thought there would be someone who could do this, beyond my own self and beyond God. Now I am beginning to think there isn’t anyone; that there isn’t a one or a somebody that can take away any of this pain brought on by isolation. And that scares me to a great degree.
I am trapped somewhere now, between wanting to explain myself over and over and be truly seen, and wanting to hide and not come out. Rather than depression, I would name this yet another trial of spirit, another relapse into the negation brought on by the yin and yang of life. I behold myself on that constant pendulum of rebalance. What goes up, must come down. And I am tired of the echoes that leech out of me, their sadness carried to the depths of my pores; then seeped out screaming, as my entire body washes away in ache.
I become so hopeful and childlike at times. I am this gleeful spirited one, dancing in the miracle of life, and the miracle of all, and then I am brought here, into the dark forest of dimly lit nowhere. A scope onto self and self alone, the rest forgotten and folded away, some unkempt laundry tucked out of sight. And I stand here, suffocating in my own vomit of misery: shaken, lost, alone.
I don’t understand it, why this life is this life, and why I am made as me. Why so much has been shown to me and given, and so much taken away. I don’t understand this at all, and the concept of the inability to understand boggles my brain, causing me to loop and decipher the aspects of my own torment. As if, I, as logical being, could master my own self and recreate the concept of reality, pull myself out of the burden of misery and into the sunlight of hope.
I sit here in battle with shadows, or some form of regret, and I play out this scene again followed by again.
Hello, I say to the downcast one, hidden in her corner, huddled and terrified.
Hello, I say again. My lips moving and my voice carried, yet somehow captured and set aflame before reaching the hovel where the child rests asleep in fear.
Hello, I scream, shaking the ground and the space in between us; the separation so narrow a fleck would serve as bridge.
And still she neither moves nor reckons I am here.
Instead she gathers herself as garbage and recollects the foul smell of the world must be her, and if not her, at minimum her own doing.
She is lost again, in some forgotten place, between this world and the next, trying to find her way back to a place in which she does not belong.
Everyday Asperger's 
You are so very special and loved. BE who you are, and don’t apologize. The rest of humanity cannot be you. Take pride in that. God gives the world gifts whether the world can see or accept those gifts or not. Be the gift you were born to be. Much love always. xoxo
Some of these words resonate so deeply that I sighed a sigh that I think was felt in the heavelies…. This morning I told David that I was the lone tree in our backyard that stood suuronded by the big empty grass, all the other trees are in a row far away – watching.
I wrote a post in regards to letting go of the idea that there would be that one person, I had been misunderstood too many times and let go- I am not sure I will ever publish it. 🙂
I am very off today so if my comment does not make sense or is too rambly, I am sorry. I am also, on my phone so who knows what auto correct may do!
Many hugs and bubbles of light you!! ❤
I have in my past, and even my current, had to make the choice for ‘Total exposure’, as opposed to fear and longing. Sometimes the gain is everything I had hoped for…other times the feelings of loss and exposure have been so profoundly sickeningly painful. Without the ability to ‘jump off the cliff blind’.. so many of life’s most excellent gifts would never be touched. You jumped, you jump and you will continue to jump blindly with great hope and Love into the pool of treasures; And you will find, and you will share because that is what needs to be done. Such a blessing you are.
Have you read this blog? there are posts you would like:
http://musingsofanaspie.com/
http://thisisautismflashblog.blogspot.ca/
I hope you find your way again. Been there. I understand.
I’ve actually found it remarkable how long you’ve been able to sustain the bliss cycles. It’s impressive. But life in the world of matter operates by rules of constant dichotomy. The dips into the pit are normal and provide the texture and contrast that enables us to fully experience the bliss. Fighting it actually prolongs the process for me, so instead I give myself over to it wholly. Sometimes the universe asks/needs us to share its pain as well as it’s harmony and joy. And the more we can resonate our own frequencies back in shared commiseration for all the pain and injustice and sickness the closer we can come to the source. The pain only seems isolating if you believe it to be solely yours. It isn’t. Just like the joy it is a universal experience. It transcends. So roll with it and listen to sad music, read the news even when it is bad. Honor and acknowledge the ills and the pain they bring. ❤
lovely, and I agree
So well put! xxx Beautifully written – can relate. xxx
I can totally relate to this post. I too am struggling with this same issue. My mom tells me I can’t be so trusting of people but I don’t know how to be any other way. I can’t seem to get it into my head that people can lie. I just take them at their word, which I find out more often than not, is not a good idea.
Most people just don’t “get” me or understand me. They don’t understand the moods and how one moment I am happy and the next sad. Medication does help with this but it is still hard for others to understand especially since I don’t know how to explain it. Sometimes when I am sad I don’t even know why I am crying. If someone asks me what’s wrong and I say I don’t know they think I am just holding back but I am not. I truly don’t know why I feel the way I do.
Thanks for sharing your experience and giving all of your readers a safe place to share their own experiences.
Hang in there. The dark clouds never last…what you seek is seeking you too.
I feel this. Thank you for your beautiful words.
I too am dealing with substantial loss, and your way of expressing yourself about it is eerily familiar. I once told a friend that I am the loneliest person on Earth, and hearing myself say such a thing, I realized that it was both so true and so not true. Reading a past post of yours was a little like putting my finger into an electrical socket because it seemed to be my own thoughts and feelings VERBATIM. I am 62 years old and I never considered the possibility of Asbergers before. I have learned my own ways to cope with terrible feelings of isolation — even the feeling that I was born “on the Wrong planet”…very eerie empathy indeed. As to sadness, I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood trying to avoid pain and sorrow, but then I was presented with such a major loss that I decided it was absolutely necessary to accept every sad feeling, cry when I needed to, and not put up resistance to it, because my resistance would wind up robbing me of any joy in life. It has worked, and my life has gotten better and better as I aged, as I became more and more accepting of myself and my feelings and my uniqueness. I don’t feel understood by others, really, but I DO feel a great deal more SELF-ACCEPTANCE, which is so much more important, I think. It helps me recognize that the feeling of separateness is an illusion, and we are all connected. I love my life, although many people would think it is weird, but I have found a way to share what I love with as many people as possible, and I think this is my key to happiness: “Discover what you love, and share it with as many people as possible..” Not everyone will be able to receive what I offer, but I work with the concept that “The way others treat me says everything about them, and NOTHING about me.” Love reading your blog, it is very moving.
lovely words.. thank you ❤
wow you have an extraordinary ability to describe your inner world. It’s quite a talent. You are an artist. What you describe resonates neatly with my own life tho at a hugely amplified level. Regular tears, revealing too much, ignoring my intuition but as a correspondent above, I give over to it and myself. This is my life it is what it is. Gratitude for all the good things and the things that could be worse, the things that have gone right the things that have’nt gone wrong, things that have’nt gone as wrong as they could have has led me down a more settled path – which is good for me tho I wouldn’t presume anybody else might have this desire for a little tranquillity. I walk a lot – at the beach which is without doubt another important contributor to my well-ish being. I’m a male BTW
Ohhhhh, beach.. I grew up by the beach. Missing it. Thank you for sharing, and for your thoughts, and kindness.
I was doing a form of therapy before I couldn’t afford it anymore. It was not so much talk-based (although there was a component of that) but I also drew the images I was seeing while we were talking and doing EFT (emotional freedom technique) and it was all immensely helpful. That’s where Ghostie made an appearance. Poor Ghostie, he feels like a ghost as it is, and yet he also has no arms and no legs! I feel a real love for that part of me now, even though at the same time when I am in the dark space I say such horrible and awful things to myself. “You’re shit,” I say, “you’re a piece of shit, such a stupid, dumb fucking bitch piece of shit,” is what that voice says to myself. Goodness me, what sort of language is that to use to anybody, let alone yourself?
I tried this new thing last night. I don’t know if it will help bring you relief, but it is called Trauma Release Exercises, or Tension Release Exercises. They were invented by a lovely man called David Berceli after he spent a lot of time in war-torn areas. They are a simple set of six exercises which help our bodies to release tension by tremoring. We don’t let ourselves shake and tremor because our culture sees it as a sign of weakness, but David’s hypothesis is that we are meant to release stress in this way just in the same way that other animals do. When you see a gazelle in the wild, he says, that has escaped from a tiger, it shakes from head to toe. It is its way of releasing the trauma around what happened so that it can move on with its life, not looking in fear every second for the next tiger.
I did these exercises last night for the first time after having an afternoon where I was in such a state of hyperarousal and anxiety and they really helped. Suffice to say today I find myself in that same space again after being triggered by a particular ongoing financial situation, but I am really looking forward to continuing on with this. If you’re interested it is available as a digital download for 20 bucks at http://www.namastepublishing.com/products/digital-download/revolutionary-trauma-release-process-real-time/DB01-TRTRE. His website is at http://www.traumaprevention.com.
Sorry for such a long-winded reply, and I don’t know if you’re interested or not or if you’re physically up for it or not, but I am feeling quietly hopeful today, even while I’ve fallen into this anxious space again, that there is hope. So I just wanted to pass it on in case it was something that resonates for you. If not, ignore.
Thinking of you, Sam, and sending golden stuff to you. I know you know that you’ll come out of this space again. It doesn’t minimise the pain that happens when we’re in it though, somehow (although there is cold comfort, and it does help, that’s for sure, to remember that like everything this too is temporary). Still, I don’t want you or anyone else to ever feel like this again. This life thing is such a weird trip sometimes, made more difficult by minds that constantly want to know why 🙂
Hugs to you ❤ ❤ ❤
Oh, I LOVE this idea. and I love reading what you write and your spirit. Thanks for sharing. I will try shaking more. And I am better today. thank u
Hello there, my friend.
As many years as an Asperger’s woman, I can relate.
And, too, as many years as an Asperger’s woman, I have learnt something which has helped very much to guide me back into my happier otherness. I write in the hope that it might help you.
When I am sad, or crying, or disparing with some seemingly meaningless loss of ability (ability to carry on, ability to persevere, ability to cope) I like to remind myself of something. This something is that I am a body. Just a body, just a mechanism, just a piece of biology. This may sound very silly. Perhaps, after all, it is. But it is still scientifically relevant, if nothing else – we are just bodies.
Our minds are just appendixes designed to help us run that body, keep it eating and exercising and sleeping. Our minds are just control panels. And if we can maintain our eating and exercising and sleeping, it may not be long before we shall see some shaft of watery light jutting in through our mental skylight and asking us to step outside into the world.
I like to make a plan, a routine devised akin to a timetable, in which I write my essential functions (eating, exercising, sleeping) and perform them as would be scientifically sensible. In between, I watch comedy, walk, and read. That may not be easy for my emotional control panel to dictate and unsipher. But, nonetheless, it is possible.
As humans, I think we are very much like phoenixes. We are firebirds; we fall and we burn, and from our own ashes we rise, as beautiful and endowed with glowing plumage as ever.
To remind myself of this, I bought a silver phoenix pendant to hang on my chain beside all my other glistening momentos, which I wear around my neck and look at when I forget.
We humans are strong, Samantha Craft. You are a human, and, therefore you too are strong.
Good luck, friend.
We all need it!
Lydia Jefferies
Lovely. I feel very much the same and employ similar techniques. Also, yes, very much the phoenix :)) thank you for your words.
So much insight here. You are at the centre of it all, while this maelstrom surges around, within you. But you are ever the still point. You are very fine, and can never be harmed.
You write my life! I know these feelings all too well. That horrible out of sync feeling and how our differences are so blatantly pointed out to us by the so called neurotypicals. Why can we not in this day and age be accepted for who we are… creative, smart, and for our relentless ability to focus on things. (Excellent for problem solving.) Yet we are just chastised for our obscurity and eccentricities. Normal is a myth created by those who want to label and control and we do not want labels or do not need anyone to control us. We just need to be allowed to be us! This is how we are, accept us as we were created, not by your rules and misconceptions of normality. You are a beautiful creation of God and he made you this way for a reason, your posts help me feel connected, and not as issolated as I felt before. Thank you for blogging your thoughts and feelings ❤
Oh, thank you for such very kind and thoughtful words. I was listening in prayer today and heard “You are a beautiful creation of God, made for a reason….” or at least something very similar. Thank you for the confirmation. Many blessings to you.
Greetings my friend. It has been awhile since conversing with you. I knew when I saw the title of this post that I would have to connect with you once again.
Transitioning is constant. This is something that I’ve had to come to terms with. It’s like being in a constant molten lava state…rising and falling…flowing and stopping…then flowing again. It never stops. I guess there will always be times of highs and lows, questions and epiphanies.
I too am mourning and much like it is for you, it’s not important what I am mourning because it is all the same…a loss. I have lost and I have gained and I will lose again. That is the nature of the beast that we all must face.
It is in these times that we must be still. Lie down on the grownd…be still…feel the pulse of the earth as it’s energy reaches out for you. Take in all good and express the bad…vial, bitter, heavy…IT has served it’s purpose, now it’s time for IT to go. Feel life as it radiates through your being. Listen to your own heartbeat as it harmonizes with that which surrounds you. You are still connected by the pulse of life that is in you…the pulse that IS you.
Allow the heaviness of the sadness to sink deeper into the earth. Rise and leave it there.
beautiful and thank you very much 🙂 heard, taken in and appreciated
Thank you for this courage. I find it difficult to be so bare, so utterly naked, to write the way you do. I’m on the Spectrum, and found great solace in reading your intense, true words. Yes, I share many of these deep emotions. It is continually surprising to me that so many academic journals site lack of empathy as diagnostic criteria—the “experts” have truly been in the dark about us!! Please keep writing! The world is a better place for your effort…mine is!
Many thanks for your lovely words. The best to you.
There is a powerful Mantra which I believe in “This too shall pass”! And it works. Many good wishes and cheer coming your way! Cheers 🙂
🙂
I am a 55 year old aspie woman and this captures the way I so often feel. But some time ago I came across a quote from, I think, an older British actress. She had two words for dealing with life, and I think they have become my motto. The words are: “Bash on!”
So that is what I do, keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that down days will be followed by up ones. I hope that happened for you (since I now realize I am responding to an old post.)
wonderful. it’s my new motto now, too. Much love