526: Tis the Season to Shop: Aspie Style

1. Prepare by getting items out ahead of time.
I find my keys when I am in a non-rushed state. I keep my keys in the same place at home as much as possible, although I am not so regimented in my ways in dealings with my purse. However, abyss-purse-mouth aside, I try to place my keys in my hand before I leave a store, to avoid the stress of searching in the parking lot. And before exiting my vehicle to shop, I take out my ATM card, coupons, tickets, or the like. Take out what I need and put it in my hand or a nearby pocket. I then repeat to myself silently where I am putting the item(s). I do this because regardless of my employed ‘coping mechanisms,’ I still get anxiety in front of strangers, and have found the mere act of reaching into my purse to pull out my wallet and retrieve my ATM, when there is a potential audience, makes me blush and nervous. In the grocery store, I think about the people behind me in line and the person behind the checkout stand, and can’t help but feel their eyes upon me. I know I am not the center of their universe, and not important to them in the slightest degree. But I can’t help but to feel nervous, (if perchance their eyes hover upon me for more than a millisecond). Having what I need out and quickening the checkout process, by even ten seconds, somehow helps to relieve my anxiety. Plus, it’s one less step I have to think about, rehearse, and employ.

2. Ignore the lines. Choose the safest checkout.
I used to examine how many people were in line and choose which line to go through based on the length and potential wait time. I realized, with much exposure, that the length of the line generally means nothing, unless absolutely no one is there. At any moment, short line or not, anyone can have coupons, or need a price-check, or forget something. In addition, I have some weird spidey-sense, in which I am able to choose a short line that inevitably takes longer than all the other lines about. When it comes to shopping, I know I have triggers. Some include loud young children, loud scolding parents, people with extreme body odor, carts loaded with heaps of junk food and ‘garbage’, women with low-cut shirts with much “boobage” hanging out, and male grocery clerks. I am certain I am forgetting a barrel-load of other triggers. I am shy around men. And more shy around younger people than older people. So I generally try to choose an approachable-looking older woman to checkout my groceries. When one is not available, I find I feel most comfortable with a person appearing a bit ‘unique,’ like with nose and lips piercings and scattered tattoos or blue and pink hair. I feel much ‘safer’ around the ‘odd’ person. Perhaps I sense they might get me more than the typical folk, or at minimum not judge some of my odd quirks. And forget about self-checkout. That stuff makes me panic. So many steps and so much to do. Just scanning books in the library in the self-checkout is hard enough for me. And visualizing trying to self-scan in the grocery store makes my heart pump to the tenth degree, every time. I mean I am the girl self-preparing by reducing steps, why would I add a heap more?

3. Shop off hours.
I typically go to shop during mid-morning on a weekday. When I happen into a grocery store during rush hours, such as weekends or early evening, I am usually shocked by the wave of panic and need-to-escape that I experience. I don’t like loud crowds. I don’t like large crowds. And crowded loud aisles where everyone is maneuvering is the worst. I can feel people’s thoughts. I can almost hear their minds raging: Get out of my way! And I start to take on the persona of those around me. I quickly become exhausted and impatient. And I find myself judging how people can be so oblivious and absent. I wonder what I am doing there, and then physical pain sets in. I am the same in rush hour traffic, and forever thankful that is not a part of my daily routine.

4. Make a list and rewrite it again and again.
I like lists. They soothe me. They make errands less stressful. Ironically, in chuckle-fashion, most of the time I lose, forget, or misplace my list. But it was never about the list to begin with. I like to choose certain pens and markers and feel the way they write. I like to look at the words on paper. I like to cross out and highlight and remember things by marking them down. It’s even fun to find old lists and remember back to that day and recall what was a priority then and there. Something about words and lists and sorting is soothing. If I have to shop, I might as well add some self-soothing measures. If I remember the list, that’s a bonus. But even when I do, I often don’t follow it. In the end, a list is just one more task in a very busy-bombarded mind trying to keep up with the following of the subculture of the grocery store.

5. Stim while shopping.
I relax in some stores, when the crowds are not about and the store is clean, and the lights aren’t bothering me, and the music is not excruciatingly painful nor blaring, and the greeters at the front of the store are nice, and the aisles are neat and organized, and the items are well presented, and the heat isn’t too high and the room not too stuffy, and the smells not chemical-filled or musty. Then, when my sensory system isn’t on overload, and all ‘feels’ well, I enjoy myself. In fact, I seek out stores. I go to them several times a week. Not so much to spend money or to even shop, but to escape. Finding patterns, analyzing displays, counting how many of something are left, figuring out where I would put something if I bought it, and largely living in my imagination, are all benefits of a comfortable store. I calm myself by going window shopping and by looking at item after item, in row after row, and then deciding on one tiny thing. Something about stores enables me to relax through the distraction of ‘what ifs.’ It could be a furniture store or antique store or anything really, where multiple items are on display. My mind naturally itemizes and categorizes, fixes and organizes, counters and projects, creates and elaborates, and being in a place with many ‘new’ things enables my mind to feed. Yes, it’s a feeding of sorts. Akin to a vampire requiring blood: My mind requires newness.

6. And regarding the capitalistic ritual of Black Friday in America, a cultural tradition that has seeped out of its Friday boundary into the bordering days, past and present, no way. Not going. Not understanding the need nor the hype nor the want. Feeling sorry for the workers. Feeling sorry for society. And wishing we lived in a place where people lined up like that to feed the hungry. Enough said.

19 thoughts on “526: Tis the Season to Shop: Aspie Style

  1. I’m a fellow female Aspie, and I definitely agree with you about Black Friday. Holiday shoppers seem to be in one of two camps: the early birds (Black Friday shoppers) and last minute people (who wait until about Christmas Eve to shop). I aim for the second or third week between Thanksgiving and Christmas to do my shopping, and I try to go during the week. It’s much less crowded that way. The music can still be loud, but since winter’s cold here I often have my winter hat on which muffles noise somewhat and makes it tolerable. Since I don’t drive, I tend to wait to get out my payment until I have the item(s) I’m buying and then I pull it out right before I get into line.

  2. There was a time in my life where I didn’t go out in public, because I couldn’t manage my meltdowns which nearly always were triggered by screaming children. No expert ever mentioned earmuffs or earplugs as coping tools. I never thought they could help me after custom earplugs failed me, but I found a non-custom pair that helped as well as earplugs. I agree about shopping at non-peak times & hours. I am blessed to say that i can enjoy myself (not without some level of anxiety) in some places in public again. 🙂

  3. Amen to your thoughts regarding Black Friday! We all need to do whatever we can do for people in need…365 days a year.

  4. Blue jeans are my lifesaver. (Men’s jeans, of course. Women’s jeans don’t have real pockets.) Each pocket is assigned to keys, wallet, phone, and my “travel kit” of a pocket knife, lighter, and fingernail clippers. If I can’t wear blue jeans, I am utterly loss. I don’t carry a purse big enough to hold all that, I carry a tiny little bag like what you find in the crafting aisle only so I have a convenient way to carry a checkbook on the rare occasion I need to use a check. I don’t feel comfortable carrying a purse and avoid it as much as possible.

    Greeters and especially bell ringers annoy the snot out of me. I sneak in through the Garden Center to avoid them and the headaches they give me. I love Christmas, but I dread those painfully noisy bell ringers and their predatory, accusing glares.

    Never been to nor intend to go to a Black Friday sale.

      1. If you can’t find one, sewing, crocheting, and other crafts are becoming more common. I crocheted my kid’s diaper bag since you can never find anything with enough pockets! XD

  5. Lol. So relatable. It’s as if you jumped inside of my head in terms of shopping xD. We don’t have Black Friday in Australia and I’m glad; it would be much too stressful. Thanks for sharing 🙂

  6. I recall trawling around the shops with friends and my sister so I could be one of the gang. I absolutely loathed going in clothes shops but thought I should like it! The only shops I enjoy are stationery and diy/hardware/kitchen gadget shops. Dreading the Christmas frenzy. Junk junk and more junk. Drowning in it all.

  7. This made my eyes tear up. I ended up on your blog by accident, if you believe in accidents. I don’t. Thank you.

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