The Muse and Me
I spoke: “I will scribe a million pages, every word a testimony to your beauty: an endless story. Beguiled and enchanted, my fingers will embrace the keys, and paint the all-encompassing passion that stirs my soul. Recklessly, I will hold your hands strong, hear your voice deep, and in pages’ dreams you shall live.”
He spoke: “I am not this flesh, nor these eyes. My beauty cannot be quantified or qualified or held in possession or estimation. Do not weigh, judge or evaluate. I have already been made prisoner of selfish eyes. Do not watch me as the others. Know beauty is immeasurable and does not rot with this flesh and break with this bone. Appearance will fade. Let loose this withering illusion you grasp. See where beauty truly rests. Behind the gaze. Come hither, come follow the depths of me. I shall take you through the corridors of my secrets, my dreams, my fantasy. Here I stand naked, exposed, and vulnerable. Here is risk. Here is truth. And fear unveiled. Here is beauty.”
I spoke: “To the depth of me your eyes speak. You are beauty from my dreams, every facet, every groove a memory, a recollection that inspires and pulls me through. You brighten me. You lighten me. You fill me with a glow I’ve never known. Every part, every line I have traced before. And yet, I am made not to touch, not to reach, not to know. How my heart aches. How my every day is filled with misery and dismay. Though I walk enlightened and free, with new hope and dreams, I am ever brought back to the pool of cool springs, the freezing knowing that you are not mine to have.”
He spoke: “Choose what bathes you. What bathes your spirit, a gentle charm, almost silent, almost invisible. You are inherently lovely. You calm me. You complete me with your kindness. A mirror to me, your logic is sliced through with innocence and curiosity. Justice is carried where you step. Secrets upheld. Your sweetness equal to your sincerity; both leave me thirsting for more brightness. You are my humble adobe, and my spirit rests in you. Your abiding grace coupled with loyalty, I cherish, moment by moment. I await you, as one awaits the sunrise. Can you not see that you are the sun to me, the one that feeds my very vine. How wonderful that I hold your inherent goodness, and not a shadow existence, a hope, a distraction. I hold on to truth, while you hold on to fantasy. Can you not see my love is pure, while you are still child sitting under tall tree, waiting for the shade to part, and love to find you, when you are already found? You stand filled, but yet you weep for this illusion of emptiness.”
I spoke: “But what of my story, my every wish around you, my waiting, my yearning, my constant wanting. Are you not what I need? Desire? Crave? My thankfulness inside your silhouette. I stand here, at center purged of games, intention, and manipulation. I stand naked, as you proposed. I am vulnerable to the core. I am all I can be. And yet you reject.”
He spoke (with laughter): “Precious one. I don’t know who taught you of love. Who taught you of heart. But what you wait for, what you crave, what you long for intensely with every bit of you, I cannot provide. That is your journey to walk. Your journey to lead. Remember I am this flesh still. Always this blood that runs out in time. The heart that tires. The brain that dissipates. Hold onto what is me alone, and you will wither. See that beyond the dream is the reality of spirit, this wanting man, who longs to be seen from the inside, where the light abides. Embrace the inner me, and in turn you embrace yourself. I am but a mirror, and shall always be my friend, a mirror of where you stand. What you make of me, you make into yourself. What you think you lack, you make me lack. What you think I am, you become. Build me up from the foundation, from the soul-level; so that when all about I fall apart, what remains is strength in character and spirit. Love me there. Love me at the center. Please. Please love me there.”
I spoke: “I love you there. I do. I love you there, and will love you there entirely, if that is what you wish. But how does one un-paint the pages I already scribed…how do I bleed this pain out of me. How does the yearning cease, the thoughts stop?”
He spoke: “You just decide. That is all. You just decide. Decide that you are in completion, that I am in completion, and any thought of a human fixing or repairing you is false. I can be with you, but cannot be you. I can be with you, but cannot be your all. I am not your answer, nor your question. I am a man. I am all that man is. And you are all that woman is. And together we are no more complete than apart. This is a game you play in your mind. A mystery that has no solution. So release. Decide and release. And turn your focus and energy to the core of you. Here is where the love is. Not outside.”
I spoke: “Then I decide. I decide. I am enough. You are enough. We are already complete. And I release you, lovely bird from your cage. I release you without expectation, dream, or intention. I release what I have made you into. I release the power I have granted you. I release everything, and in doing so, without this attachment, I will love you fully, for no other purpose but for your essence.”
July flower in my yard
Everyday Asperger's 
Sam, thank you for your blog and your extraordinary way of expressing yourself. Sometimes tears of recognition fall when I read your posts, I enjoy those tears and the company of your expression.
Thank you for your words. They touched my heart. Your comment is poetic. I know well these tears of recognition. Much love to you. Sam
What can one say to such expression to such enchanting words? I have no answer, I merely stand in awe, in admiration.. and love the opening photo of a happy face that makes me smile..
Your mind totally fascinates me and would, if I could, sit and listen to you for days. Have you ever thought of penning a book? It would fascinate so many others.. I share your link with a women in Australia who follows my articles on another site, she is a health care specialist and writes very similarly t you, she loves your blog and as she is not registered she cannot comment on your blog, but I get a comment every now and then and she loves your blog as much as I do. She’s moving to Canada at the moment and is going to register with wordpress when she gets there, so you can expect another admirer very soon… Thanks for the share…
You are very kind. Thank you for the support. Your words were a joy to read. Thank you for telling me about your Australian friend. It is always nice to know who is reading my words. I connected to this post very much at a spiritual-level, so it tickles my heart that others can too. I giggle some over my mind fascinating……it is such a puzzle to me….the caverns and mysteries there. Again, thanks so much. You are too kind. Sam 🙂 🙂 🙂 (lots of smiles)
This I touched me deeply and gave me chills. It is so beautifully written. One of your best (of so many!). I feel it was written through you for me from my past. From the world on the other side. Deeply affected today. Thank you could never be enough no matter the intent. Letting go 28 years later is still hard. And July 27 would have been a birthday so this is so strangely relevant, it’s still giving me chills.
Oh, sweet K….. 😦 I can see how this would relate to that. Oh….big hugs. Ofen I do believe that others’ words are meant for certain people. Embrace him and know he adores you from another place you cannot see right now. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine that pain and how it has affected you your entire adult years. I am thinking of you and holding you friend. I hope this was healing in some way. Much love to you. Sam
Don’t be sad for me. It was very special to me -like a message and I cannot express how precious that was to me. I’m grateful for your words today and always! xxxoo
Wonderful. Thank you for letting me know. Hugs. (I fixed the spelling) . I am smiling now. 🙂 Have a lovely weekend. 🙂
Kneeling in awe (ok i’m having coffee on my yoga bench because I can’t sit down but still)… This is just brilliant… gorgeous, insightful, wise, poetic, passionate, spiritual… well you get it- i could keep going. Please get a publisher sea-sis. Of course I related all over the place — but this quote might be my favorite – they should incorporate it into the marriage vows in my humble opinion:
“Hold onto what is me alone, and you will wither. See that beyond the dream is the reality of spirit, this wanting man, who longs to be seen from the inside, where the light abides. Embrace the inner me, and in turn you embrace yourself. I am but a mirror, and shall always be my friend, a mirror of where you stand. What you make of me, you make into yourself. What you think you lack, you make me lack. What you think I am, you become. Build me up from the foundation, from the soul-level; so that when all about I fall apart, what remains is strength in character and spirit. Love me there. Love me at the center. Please. Please love me there.”
Love you Sam — this was probably my favorite of all your work (i may say that often though). Also we are all big fans of Ingrid and Regina here — Ingrid grew up where I did 🙂 xo Love u
LOL…love how you had to write what you were really doing….that’s so like me!!! LOL. Okay…so I was thinking wedding vows, too…..Odd that you picked up on that! But so cool. I’m becoming way to used to your comments…they are always so insightful, kind, and uplifting. You just keep saying nicer and nicer things! Though the Sam Scrapbook has to be one of my favorites. lol.This post touched me deeply and was a hard one to experience, process, and scribe…though the words came out fast and in one quick sitting….it was from the depth of my love and heart.. This was a huge thing for me, and very spiritual.
I am so pleased that you liked it, too! 🙂
Love you too, sweet sea sister. Look forward to meeting you some day, and your “kinfolk” who have good taste in music! hehe
And this is my favorite Ingrid song: ‘You and I’
–:) Would sing it LOUD to hubby driving to the beach the year it was released ~
My next favorite sing out-loud Ingrid Song is “be ok’ ~ That one comes on whenever I get in my car now and I sing it too! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gINtHqwjr2M
xxooo
I posted the song on facebook. Love it. Now will listen to You and I….:) you are so sweet, thanks.
You and I : It’s the one you posted above silly sea sis 🙂 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=l36CW8MUc0Y#!
Love to you –
It’s all so simple.. if not for our contagious minds which keep battles and sorrow incessantly weaving to entrap us deeper into their misbegotten webs. On a positive note, “ding” it’s just what I needed to read today.. so tired of fighting the fight to remain free. Thanks for sending out the ultimate arms, of Love. xxx
Simple in it’s extreme complexity, dear lady. Happy to send out the arms anytime!!!! Glad you could embrace them or use them….depending on the interpretation. HUGS and LOVE to you. “entrap us deeper into their misbegotten webs.” When are you starting a poetry blog…you spinner of grand visions. xoxox Sam
It would be a Blog of phrases.. lol Can’t get a whole poem out these days.. need some cerebral Ex-Lax to open my precluded channel. 😉 Perhaps your arms will squeeze it all out one day. :)) xx
need some cerebral Ex-Lax to open my precluded channel……~~~~~ SEE that right there is a poem in the making, lady!!!!! 🙂 You are sooo good with words. Hugs and love.
Oh so beautiful and insightful. I also love Regina – ‘Samson’ is my favourite track and ‘Us’ is a very close second!
Thank you for this fab post and the great links ))smiling((
Thank you so much Worldly Winds. I appreciate your words and that is so great you like Regnia, too. I just bought a cd of her that I am enjoying. 🙂 Hope you are having a wonderful weekend. 🙂 Sam 🙂
I absolutely love your blog and you inspire me so I have nominated you for the Very Inspired Bloggers award ..Thank you for sharing …you may find your award here… http://timzauto.wordpress.com/2012/07/21/awards-awards-and-awards/
Thank you for thinking of me. You are vey kind. I am glad that you enjoy my blog. That makes me smile. Much light to you. 🙂 Sam
😀
Interesting conversation. I have had similar ones with … hmm … God? or Me? or Both? Learned a lot from them.
I also think Lenke is becoming one of my favorite singers.
Scott
Ok, type-o, Lenka. 🙂