humor

Day 98: The Day I Lost My Butt

| Aspergers Girls

This is a true story.

My husband took this photo and the other. He is gifted that way.

I was with a crowd of people the day I lost my butt. I searched everywhere for my butt. In desperate need of a butt, I clasped my two hands over a stranger’s butt, imitated pulling off her butt, and then I tried to fit her butt onto my butt. But her butt wouldn’t stay on me. When the stranger asked, “How does my butt fit?” I responded, “Too small.” And with a frown, I sighed, shrugged my shoulders, hung my head low, and gave her back her butt.

As I walked in embarrassment without at butt, I covered the place my butt had been with my hands. Sometimes I slid across the floor to hide my missing butt or I squatted down and walked low to the ground. When I sat, I placed my hands beneath me on the chair to protect the skin where my butt had been. Other times I sat on my knees.

Off and on for an hour, I searched for my butt. One time I asked the crowd, “Have you seen my butt?”

I looked under my chair for my butt. I looked in corners and underneath people’s legs for my butt. Later, in desperation, I found a microphone, and again asked, “Has anyone seen my butt?”

No one had seen my butt.

After we left the crowd, and returned home, for weeks my three sons, and sometimes my husband, would peer from around the corner, at random intervals, and ask, “Where’s your butt?”  One day my family gathered together on the couch to view the recording of the day I lost my butt.

It didn’t matter where I went in our home. I could be sitting on the toilet, climbing the stairs, or cooking dinner, and someone in our house would ask, “Where’s your butt?”

I will always remember the day I lost my butt.

My butt is back now. My butt actually never disappeared. I only thought my butt had vanished. In reality I’d been hypnotized on stage to believe my butt was stolen.

I believe at times we all think we’ve lost our butts, or at least we believe we’ve lost a portion of ourselves. Many of us think an essential part of us is missing or lacking. We believe we aren’t worthy, aren’t enough, aren’t special, and aren’t lovable; when in actuality we came into the world fully equipped with everything we need. Our butts are firmly attached.

Nothing is missing and nothing has been taken away. We are worthy, we are enough, we are special, we are lovable, but we forget. When we think we are lacking that is like our mind tricking us into think we have no butt. When we think we are lacking, we walk the world like our butts are missing. We hang our heads low, we hide, we search, we ask, we fear and worry.

We trick ourselves. We hypnotize ourselves into thinking we are lacking when everything is right there where it is supposed to be. All we have to do is to reach down and grab our gifts. They are right there waiting.

So the next time you find yourself lacking, remember the story of the lady who lost her butt. Think of her standing on stage, speaking into a microphone and asking, “Has anyone seen my butt?” That is exactly what you are doing when you are searching for your worthiness.

Don’t ever think you’ve lost your butt.

Your worthiness is firmly attached to you.

Now get out there and shake your booty!


The answer for yesterday’s post was number 9. Number 9 was the fiction.

Number 9 was a little bit true. The object was a tampon that flew across the cafeteria and hit someone in the head, but I ducked, covered, and ran before anyone knew I was the culprit. No one picked it up and handed it to me.

Don’t feel bad, my husband guessed the wrong one.

For those that guessed number  7, you were close. I could have worded that fact more clearly. I did review 100 men, but I reviewed the recordings they left, then I called a couple dozen back. So, if you guessed that number, you get a free pass.

Everything else was true. Including Patty Hearst and the swimsuit model. Thanks for participating. I had a great time reading your lists.

Day 94: Samtastico the Avenger’s Gobbledygook and Missing Slipstream Download

| Aspergers Girls

Sometimes I am an intense painter opening the art gallery doors to the crowds; only to observe the patrons scratching their heads in confusion at my masterpiece that I have come to slowly realize resembles an abstract of a close up donkey butt.

Free Wallpaper at fwallpapers.com/view/funny-donkey

Sometimes I am a self-inflated preschooler that longs to share hygiene facts, like the garlic cream I rubbed on my shoulder to try to erase these weird skin growths I’ve acquired since occupying the dark and humid northwest.

Sometimes I am an overloaded sponge of thoughts and images pounding my head in rapid procession into the pinewood computer table.

Sometimes I am a teary-eyed poet dripping my melancholic prose across the space called cyber.

Today I am Crazy Frog rocking out and longing to paint a donkey butt abstract.

Be Happy. Sing with Me, now!

By the end of this prose you will be one of the privileged few people in this universe that understands the title of this post. This understanding will gift you with undeniable powers to peruse through almost any of my other writings with a knowing nod of recognition and sympathy. Welcome to the Sam Zone!

One of my blogging pals, a cool male kindergarten teacher and natural poet, calls my writing Samtastic.  Sometimes. Well, at least twice. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve written ninety-four posts and he has only used that word two or three times. What is that percentage?

Regardless of the stats, the word Samtastic is part of the reason I contemplate changing my legal name to Sam. How cool to have the mantra: Samtastic. I’d add a letter O to the end though, to make the word pseudo-Italian. I dare you to say Samtastico without a smile and without moving your hands in gesture. Anyone craving calzones smothered in mozzarella besides me?

Those that have been reading my prose—aka: contemplative poetry, quirky tales, vivacious rambles, verbose lists—have likely heard mention of The Geek Posse. Well, they’ve been collaborating in a Samtastic way to assist me in reaching conclusions about my little life. Go team brain!

The collaboration is akin to having an extended coffee chat with a dear friend, laughing and crying hysterically together, and then sharing that mutual glow of having just solved all the world’s problems in one sitting! Only with the Geek Posse, the participant is just solo-me and select spheres of my brain.

With the help of the posse, I’ve recently realized (probably nine weeks later than my longtime faithful reader: aka George) that in the passing months, I inadvertently ventured into a warped time zone, and magnificently morphed into Asperger’s Woman: Avenger of all Things Aspie!

See my little cape? It’s red and blue starred with purple zigzags and lemon drops.

I’m finally coming out of a tailspin into Aspie Land and realizing my life is much more than Aspergers.

Amazing. I know!

This decreases my abstract donkey-butt longing from boil to simmer.

Sidetrack: Many Literary Advice Books ardently advice would-be authors to not use adverbs too often. But the combined ly letters intrigue me. The books also warn not to ramble, go off tangent, and use made up words. That’s why I burned all my writing manuals and used them as a source of heat when we had the three-day power outage during January’s snowstorm.

Back to the Geek Posse, two days ago, while fasting and listening to mantras, guru me had a wonderful series of images flash through my mind regarding my association with Aspergers. I call this experience of seeing images fly, flap, and belly flop across my mind: downloading. During downloading, I receive information, possibly from galactic powers, angels, or intelligent interactive bacteria. It’s quite a Jungian experience, liken to the collective unconscious slipstream propelling me forward in extremely vivid thought.

This time after downloading the information and reading the words to myself, I heard a very serious female voice, similar to Captain Kathryn Janeway from the Starfleet Starship USS Voyager.

Look What I Found! Totally Unrelated and Totally Awesome!

Sidetrack: How do I know Captain Janeway’s voice? Remember I married a science major, a euphemism for smart geek who likes all things Trek-like. Remember, too, I have Aspergers, so I was rather clueless about what a science major really meant beyond the periodic table. The same cluelessness I had about three boys equaling perpetual dirty area under toilet.

Awesomeness in Geek Format!

Sidetrack: I just looked up Fun Facts about the Periodic Table and there was nothing fun at all. Just a bunch of confusing questions, like: Which is the lightest element with an atomic symbol that is also a US state postal code? Really? That’s fun?

I also found Periodic Table Puns like:

What do you do to flowers? Platinum

What a doctor does to his patients – Cur ium, Hel ium, or Bari um

I’m still trying to decide if this means the doctor is giving a barium enema or burying them. One of my superpowers is the ability to crack myself up, and I guess also composing downloaded prose from beyond and hearing the voice of female space captain. Hmmm? And they let me teach children.

Tomorrow, I’ll read some more of those Periodic Table Fun Facts before I write, so I can be in a serious mood when I introduce the downloaded slipstream. For now, all the serious parts of me Argon. So be good until tomorrow. Because I’ve got my ion you! HeHe (2 isotopes of helium).

Samtastico Quiz. Pass or fail. If you can now understand the title of this post you pass. If not, at least you learned a barium joke!

I wonder if this person is one of my followers. That would make sense.

Day 89: Things I Sometimes Love

| Aspergers Girls

Things I Sometimes Love

Earplugs

If I stuff earplugs too far in they hurt and at night they squish and press against my ear and the pillow but they allow me to stay in the same bed with my husband.

***

Supplements

I could have gone on several cruise ship vacations for the same price I paid for my supplements but they keep me moving.

***

Clean Clothes

There is always a pile of laundry staring at me from the corner of the living room but usually no one in my family stinks.

***

Waking up my Youngest

He is sleeping so soundly, so soft and warm and cuddly, but after he wakes up he says cool stuff like: “Mom, guess what? I just peed, burped, and sneezed all at the same time!”

***

Lab Tests

They induce panic attacks and sleepless nights, and often lead to more supplements, but they provide vital information.

***

My Dog (Spastic Colon)

I often wake up to surprises she has left me in all forms but I  laugh when she eats my underwear and wags her tail so super fast her little butt shakes.

***

Documentaries

They make me over think and conjure up dread but knowledge is power.

***

Washington State

Yes, it rains and rains, and there are tons of spiders, but the greenery and scenery are  pure heaven.

***

My China Doll

I have had her since I was twelve and I think she is haunted with my spirit, so I am afraid to move her, get rid of her, or hide her in a dark closet, but she makes for interesting conversation.

***

Dark Organic Chocolate with Espresso Coffee Chips

Need I say more?

***

Tiny Black Ants

They are overtaking my kitchen but they also carry away crumbs.

***

My Little Brain

My brain barks, begs, and beckons to be heard but I live in a state of constant entertainment and fascination.

***

What are some things you sometimes love?

Day 85: You’ve Got a Friend in Me!

| Aspergers Girls
Photo found at http://endeavortodiscover.com/scienceportal.html

My friend that I have known for almost twenty years visited me this weekend from out-of-town. Here is a list of some of the things I learned about proper etiquette during our weekend together.

You’ve Got a Friend in Me

1. Don’t take your vegan friend to dinner at a seafood and steakhouse restaurant, even if the place has a very nice water view.

2. Don’t forget to put a hand towel in the guest bathroom for hand drying.

3. Don’t forget to buy a box of Kleenex, so you don’t have to hand your friend a roll of toilet paper when she is crying.

4. Don’t give your friend unsolicited advice about her relationship with her siblings, especially if you are an only child.

5. Don’t interrupt your friend in the middle of her serious talk by leaning across the dinner table, tugging gently on her long blonde hair, and saying, “You have such pretty hair! You look like Rapunzel.”

6. Don’t accept a wrapped present from your friend, examine the shape of the gift, and before unwrapping, proudly ask, “Is this a framed photo?”

7. Don’t interrupt your friend in the middle of a joke with the punch line, even if you are super excited that you figured out the end.

8. Don’t tell your friend that the guest bedroom gives you the creeps a little bit; she might have trouble sleeping in there.

9. Don’t tell your friend that the previous owner of the house you live in filled the guest bedroom with wall-to-wall china dolls, because your friend might insist you sleep in the guest room with her.

10. Don’t tell your friend you’ll sleep in the same bedroom as her to make her feel safe and then quietly tiptoe out when she falls asleep.

11. Don’t tell your friend your son sees the ghost of your dog in the guest bedroom and that you think it might be a portal to another universe; because your friend will opt to sleep on the couch, despite the new pillow and new sheets you bought for the guest bed.

12. Don’t lean in real close and ask your friend if she can see the small zit you feel growing on the tip of your nose.

13. Don’t read ten posts of your blog in a row at midnight to your friend, even if she is laughing hysterically.

14. Don’t ask your friend if she could please listen to one more blog post, after she has yawned and said she is falling asleep.

15. Don’t show videos that you posted on your blog as an alternative to reading more posts, your friend will become more tired and her eyes will begin to shut.

~ Love you “L.” You’ve got a friend in me!

 

 

Artist:Randy Newman & Lyle Lovett
Movie:Toy story

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you’re miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
Just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got troubles, well I’ve got ’em too
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you
We stick together and we see it through

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It’s me and you
And as the years go by
Boys, our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see
It’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

Day 75: A Good Day in My Book

| Aspergers Girls
Image found at CHAAR - Click for link

Alternate Title: What Accounts for a Good Day in my Book…assuming I had a book, which I don’t. That’s why I blog.

I seem to be big into the alternate titles. It would be fun to make a list of alternative titles for people, places, and things. I bet you can think of a few alternative titles you’d like to call some people! Of course, I mean this in friendly, Buddhist-minded terms—like the enlightened one and the gentle being.

Okay, so I’m a goof. This I know. Nothing wrong with goof, except that goof is closely related to the spelling of goon and goob. Coincidence? I think not.

Backspace, Samantha.

Speaking of the name Samantha, I’ve been using the name Sam so much to answer readers’ comments that I’ve started answering some of my personal emails with the name Sam, instead of my given legal name. I find this quite funny. I imagine getting an email back from a close friend I have known for twenty years, and her signing her name “Rhonda” instead of “Lisa,” and that just cracks me up. I’d be thinking: This chick has surely flipped. Then I’d be thinking what does “flipped out” mean, and what is the origin of this saying. I digress.

If you ever read a post of mine and I come across as level-headed, straight to the point, dry and organized, please assume I have been taking over by a life-sucking pod like in the classic horror flick The Body Snatchers. I am not going to wake up one day, in this same human form anyhow, and be able to stick to one agenda or one point, unless I’m making a list. And even then, the list will likely meander or be super long. I don’t get how someone can just list a few facts and be done. If I tried to do that I would have so much stuff leftover in my brain, I’d need three more blogs to write the rest of the list.

Hmmmm? Have you ever noticed how some bloggers have more than one blog? Maybe it’s so they can appear sane. But I bet if you put a person’s multiple blogs’ blogging-words (posts) together, the combined words would create and entirely different profile. Something to think about if you work for the secret-service, FBI, or stalk people.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Found at All Movies; click for link

Don’t worry. I’m sticking to one blog with posts that could easily over spill into three more days of posts.

Backspace, Samantha.

I want to talk about how people used to say: The field of battle, and how they now say battlefield, and how the field of battle sounds so much cooler. I can picture a bunch of goobs upping their sophistication level ten marks, while munching open-mouthed on chips and dip, by saying, the field of football. But I’m not here to talk about that. But what other ways could we feasibly employ this sentence structure…Beatles song: “Fields of Strawberries forever.”

I wonder why I couldn’t focus in school? I still don’t agree with the one comment on my fifth grade report card: Has trouble occupying self when finishes work early. I’m certain I was occupying myself fully. I just happened to appear comatose and staring off in space. No doubt. Unless I was body-snatched since then.

Do you see how I did a full circle back to the previous prose in the last sentence? That is the sign of a gifted writer—or a rambling circular-state, similar to when a dog chases its tail. Dogs are cute. I’m okay with that. No butt sniffing though. Or licking, or poop eating, or garbage hounding…crap, for being so cute, dogs do a lot of gross-me-out stuff.

Image found at Spiritually Directed

Backspace, Samantha.

I better stop myself. How do I do that? First scroll up to remember what the heck the original title of this post was. Now focus.

Good day? Well so far today sucks rotten eggs. It’s only ten in the morning and I am yawning constantly, dealing with a leg cramp, messed up the time of my massage appointment (= no massage), waited in the waiting room for blood tests, until I found out I was supposed to fast (= no blood test), opened an envelope with unexpected and unwanted bill, and opened a new loaf of bread to discover clouds of green mold.

Here’s what a Good day looks like in my book:

A Good Day in My Book

  1. The internet works efficiently and I can log on and obsess about my social network group page and my blog stats.
  2. When I slept the whole night through without being disturbed by a dog’s bark, my husband’s restless leg, or nightmares where I find myself back at college, only I’ve forgotten how to find the classroom and I’m late to class.
  3. When there is some form of chocolate in the house that I can reach and open with little effort.
  4. When no one rants, raves, whines, or screams at me.
  5. When I can stay in my pajamas all day, not brush my hair, have no appointments, feel no attachment to doing chores, and my husband cleans the dishes and brings home takeout.
  6. When Netflix adds new television series to the menu. Especially intense documentaries, genius comics, and the show Weeds.
  7. When someone calls and says something nice, like I love you, Let’s get together soon, or Can I please, please, come and clean your house and watch your kids? It would mean a lot to me.
  8. When my dog doesn’t eat my underwear.
  9. When I can think of something to write without having to watch two hours of Internet videos first for inspiration and without having to delete the three page post I wrote while tipsy.
  10. When a reader truly gets me and I find a way to make her or him smile.
  11. When I reread Tony Attwood’s (Aspegers guru, author, speaker) email complimenting my blog and specifically the list of female traits for females with Aspergers.

All in all, yesterday was a good day in my book. Everything on the list happened, except no one volunteered to come over to the house and my dog ate my underwear, again. She only eats my underwear. Makes me wonder. But that will have to wait for another post.

Here Comes The Sun. Oh, and here comes Spastic Colon, my dog, with my underwear!