Day 203: This is Boring. This is Pain.

This is boring. This is pain.

Somedays, like today, I struggle to function.

Every day is a huge challenge for me; something that I seldom talk about or mention. Just getting out of bed takes a lot of effort. I don’t like to write about my  pain and various physical “conditions,” as I am not my conditions, I am not an illness, and I am definitely not pain. I don’t like to talk about everything I must do to keep myself moving.  But I am. Mainly because I was on the couch all day and had a heck of a lot of time to process. Plus, a little boring never hurt anyone.

There isn’t a moment I don’t feel something askew in my body. Because I am so sensitive, even a hair in my face can irritate me, even cause a rash. My own hair! My nose constantly itches. Sometimes my eyes. All my joints seem to hurt. But I can’t tell if it’s my joints, my muscles, or something else. And neither can the doctors. Right now the couch hurts my bottom. The laptop desk hurts my thighs. And at least ten different areas in my body are either in pain or irritated or itching.

I’ve been diagnosed with at least ten syndromes or illnesses. Nothing is a definite. Nothing truly proven beyond a long list of symptoms. At this point I could have inherited something, suffer as a result of multiple injuries/accidents, been prone to pain from stress or environmental toxins, or made everything up in my head.

Sometimes I like to think everything is in my head. At least I have some control that way. The older I get, the more I realize my whole reality is in my head, anyhow. All my thoughts control my mood. My eyes what I see. My ears what I hear. My brain what I take in, recall, process, judge. I’m sure my spirit plays some part, as well as my second-brain (the intestines), but seriously, so much goes on in my head to begin with.

There are lots of things I have to do in order to function. If I skip any of them, or if something is off, I am pretty much certainly going to be in bed or on the couch for a large period of time. Each day I wake up, I feel like I am preparing for battle: a battle just to survive the day without collapsing in great fatigue and pain.

Here is a list I keep in mind to help manage my days.

1)      Shower; something about the hot water on my body rejuvenates me and reduces my muscle pain. If I don’t shower I feel extra greasy and itchy. If I don’t shower, I feel increased pain all day. Problem is, sometimes I’m too tired or fatigued to even think about showering. I have to force myself to. I don’t like showers. They are boring.

2)      Pig hormone; for my hypothyroid I have to take a natural pig hormone. I haven’t eaten pork since sixth grade (my decision). So at first the thought of ingesting any part of a pig, felt odd, but then I figured it was the pigs way of paying me back. Pig karma, for not eating them for so long. Trouble is this hormone gives me the skin of a fifteen year old. I appreciate the healthy glow, but the sticky oil and chin breakouts, I could do without. Seems I’ll take longer to get all wrinkly, though. So, I guess that’s a bonus, even though my skin is worse than my teenage sons’.

3)      Various supplements; if I go too long without any supplement, I feel it somehow. However, one benefit of being me is that I’m very sensitive to what is happening in my body. In September, it will be two years since I’ve had a cold or flu bug. I can feel a cold coming on. I feel it in every joint in my body, like I’ve been poisoned. Feel it before most people do. And when I do, I load up on Vitamin C and Vitamin D. So far I’ve managed to keep from getting sick. Fingers crossed and knocking on wood. I can tell things about me, too. If my eye sight is growing worse, I need more magnesium. If my leg twitches, I need my multivitamin. If I am tired, I need to take my iron and eat a little fish.

4)      Diet; it’s easier for me to list what I can eat, than what I cannot. I can eat nuts, fish, vegetables, and fruit. Everything else gives me some reaction. Chocolate gives me rashes and makes me break out. Dairy gives me rashes. Wheat makes me bloated and depressed. Artificial anything gives me stomach issues. Most foods in general cause me extreme fatigue immediately after eating. If I am going to eat, I usually have a small portion of salad. Grains are going to make me tired. Wine hurts the salivary glands in my neck. Beer gives me a stomach ache. I am definitely high-maintenance. If I am not careful, after a meal, I will be in pain and fatigued, and have to take a nap.

5)      Liquid; I need to have lots of water and green tea. The green tea gives me the boost to function in the morning and alleviates my chronic fatigue. Green tea also lessens my pain. If I have coffee I go into a spastic mode. If I want to clean I have a quarter cup of coffee in the morning. If I drink coffee I will be up past midnight and have lots of cool ideas, or what seem to be cool ideas, but are really elaborated ramblings that don’t prove much of a point. Coffee makes me paranoid, worried, and stressed. Oh, and agitated.

6)      Exercise and movement; I have to move. Once I sit down, it is very hard for me to get back up. Especially if I combine eating in the morning with sitting on the couch. And forget it if I eat, sit on the couch, and skip my shower—I’m pretty much down for the count on those days. If I walk my serotonin levels increase and my mood is better. Everything is brighter. If I walk far, lately five to seven miles in a day, it is easier for me to sleep deeply at night. Fatigue sets in badly about 3:00 pm, so if I can walk then, sometimes a second walk, I can keep from sliding into the unable-to-move zone.

7)      Weather; if there is a lot of barometric pressure from clouds then I have a hard time moving. Also, if it is chilly, my bones ache. At least it feels like my bones ache. On cloudy days (most days in Washington) I need to make sure I take care of myself; if I do not, I will not function. On cold days the far infrared sauna is helpful. But sometimes I am too fatigued to go into the sauna. The thought of having to undress, shower, and then dress again seems overwhelming. I worry about how I will keep up my walking with the end of summer coming. I have to find ways to exercise. We have an indoor treadmill which I avoid. And a stationary bike I haven’t made friends with, either.

8)      Sleep; if I do not get enough sleep, I will have increased pain and fatigue two days following. If my sleep is interrupted and/or not restful, the next days will be harder for me to move. I am sensitive at night. I need a special mattress for my body to feel comfortable, must wear long sleeves and long pants, regardless of the weather, or I itch, and need to use earplugs. All noises bother me. Particularly banging, high pitched noise, the ticking of clocks, water of a fish tank, voices, television, and snoring.

9)      Stress; if my stress level is medium to high, I will have instant pain. People’s moods affect my pain. Screaming, whining, loud noises, yelling, fighting, and the like increase my pain. Unwelcomed news increases my stress. Lies are a big trigger for me.

10)   Thoughts; if something is out of the ordinary, if plans get changed suddenly, if I notice something on someone’s body that is out of the ordinary, then my thoughts may overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion. My thoughts can trigger sudden onset of pain. When something I am looking forward to is suddenly canceled I am fine. But when something happens I wasn’t expecting, no matter how pleasant, I can get overwhelmed. Skin “issues” are a big trigger for me. I have an odd rash around my eye. I worried and fretted today about my eye, and collapsed on the couch from fatigue. I catastrophize in my mind, thinking of worse case scenarios. My sons have mosquito bites all over them from one hungry house bug we’ve yet to catch. And my chin is breaking out from that pig hormone. All this increases my thoughts.

11)   PMS; oh yes, the lovely word. The five days of hell for me. All my pain increases, fatigue doubles, negative thoughts increase, and basically I think the whole world hates me. My face and stomach swell up and I look and feel like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. This makes it harder for me to leave the house and exercise, which can lead to further fatigue and bring on depression. You’ll notice I do not post photos of me during this time. I also get cravings for chocolate! Not something I should really be eating.

12)   Chemicals; I have to avoid all chemicals in products and makeups. Thus the frizzy hair and minimal makeup. I get instant pain from inhaling chemicals in all forms. I have to avoid places with new carpet, paint, flooring, or other odors. Plastic smells are the worse.

13)   Information; I have to be careful what I read or watch. News or a film can deeply affect my mood, which triggers…you guessed it…my pain. People close to me have learned not to share sad news that doesn’t directly affect me. Some visuals I’ll never be able to get out of my mind.

14)   Noise; certain genres of music physically hurt my body. Dogs barking hurts my ears. Loud cars, especially motorcycles hurt. Too many people talking all at once, large gatherings with lots of conversations at the same time, all cause me trouble. Noise can affect me for the entire day, and may mean I have to stay inside the next day to recuperate.

15)   People; people affect me in all sorts of ways: their mood, their appearance, their smell, their mannerisms, voice, attitude, energy-level, facial expressions, spoken words. If my feelings get hurt, which happens more times than I’d care to ever admit, then I typically will feel pain somewhere in my body. If a person is sick, I might get phantom symptoms, even if I don’t know they are sick. If a person is happy or sad, I might start to feel that same way.

16)   Dread; if I am dreading something, particularly medical news, doctor appointments, or an upcoming outing, I will have trouble concentrating and relaxing. I will loop in my mind and spin in my thoughts. This will cause tension in my body, which leads to other problems. I have to get blood tests done about every six months to check my vitamin, protein, iron, and hormone levels. The thought of annual or biannual appointments for anything, sets me into a mini-panic.

So that’s my boring list.

This is boring.

This is pain.

Great movie Sliding Doors to watch when you are stuck on a couch!

And dang if that mosquito didn’t just buzz in my ear!!!

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51 thoughts on “Day 203: This is Boring. This is Pain.

      1. You’re very welcome,my friend. Yeah,LOL,I guess I do on occasion 😛 I can detach my mind from my body’s pain though,it’s the heart ache and emotional stress/pain tht’s weighing heavier and heavier about something very personal in my life that’s been getting to me lately (well…going on two years now.

        BUT,that’s another story for an invisible blog post 😛

      2. Wow! where do I get me one of those invisble blog posts? lol
        Sorry for your heartache….hope you find some relief and solutions. Great you can detach with physical pain…I can on most days. Take care of yourself.
        Sam

      3. LOL,the invisible ones are those hidden,unwritten that no one else can see 😛 Thank you…if only emotional things were as easily detatched from,LOL 😛

        If you’re just glutton for reading about others dark secrets and pain,it’s time I finally begin to deal with things that have been buried and boxed for far too long,my blog is taking a new direction away from cycling temporarily,as I really do have no other outlet,starting with today’s post. If you have low tolrerance for other’s having expressing dark feelings.I wouldn’t read it…

      4. I LOVE emotions of all sorts…better than bikes. Just sorry you have to go through that. I’ll be around. Hang in there. And I did understand what “invisible posts” meant. lol….

      5. You’re very welcome,my friend. Yeah,LOL,I guess I do on occasion 😛 I can detach my mind from my body’s pain though,it’s the heart ache and emotional stress/pain tht’s weighing heavier and heavier about something very personal in my life that’s been getting to me lately (well…going on two years now.

        BUT,that’s another story for an invisible blog post that no one can see but me and my Creator 😛

  1. When you have your blood test done do they check pH..? If they don’t, ask them too.. a lot of Autoimmune diseases seem to be linked to an acidic pH, which many have found a lot of relief from when correcting it… specially pain, depression, and so many more ailments… I have made deep studies on this since seeing that a low pH is synonyms with cancer.. something my wife suffers from and has for the last 19 years… chemo gives her an awful lot of similar symptoms as you are suffering… and since I’ve had her on a pH correction diet and plan, her problems have not gone away but have definitely improved a lot… I can tell you so much on this having written articles on Lupus, Behcets and CFS, all autoimmune…
    But hugs to you and I hope you are feeling better soon…

    1. Oh, would love more information on PH. My mom just bought me some water to drink to help with PH. Thanks so much. I do need to monitor that better. have done some research, the diet can be tough, though. 🙂 Sam

    2. I’m starting to look at the PH balancing diet now. Will buy more root veggies and use less vinegar, mustard, etc….I crave acidic foods….and feel better when I don’t eat…so I know there is something to this. Thanks so much for bringing this to my attention at the same time as my mother…In combo, I got the message. 🙂

      1. I don’t want to be a Doctor, but glad you have seen the need to watch it… I’m just trying to find a product you can get in the USA, which we cant get here, that they use to move pH quickly and safely in terminal cancer cases, where they have reduced cancer growths using the product… you see cancer cannot survive in an alkaline system… yet you FDA wont approve the methodology… no money in it so cheap… Big Pham and all that… will send you the name the minute I find it…

    3. Sam will be back later when I can add more….but as Bulldog said…the pH balancing is something you might want to try (if you have not already)…. I have also studied this, and worked to get my pH up and more alkaline…. Not sure it has done much for me, but seems to be a missing link for many. There are many ways to measure at home (urine, saliva etc)… and then blood tests. An easy way to get a quick alkaline pH is to drink a 1/4 teaspoon of sodium bicarbonate in a large glass of water… Sometmes when I am in a “crash state” I try that just a diagnostic to see if this may be an underlying cause. Glad this came up as I haven’t thought about it lately – maybe will work to alkalinize again just to see… muscle symptoms can be impacted often for many with this. Ok ~ more later friend … great input BD!! xo

      1. You might try the baking soda — it’s not a fix…but if you suddenly feel better right after you consume it…it’s a clue that you may be onto something. Then you need to modify diet… even fruit is acidic. Greens is the #1 way to alkalinize – and be sure to get all your minerals… Magnesium is huge!! xo

      2. Urine is naturally acidic, as the kidney is removing the bad stuff from the body… the tongue is the recommended quick test as it is more closer to the blood so I’m told… however, I always insist on Linda’s blood tests to include blood pH, it is the most accurate.. This all started when I saw a Doctor who did live blood analysis and she put me on to this… it was quite frightening to see the things floating around in the blood and have her identify them… she put me on a diet as I had leaky gut syndrome.. I could eat as much as I wanted of certain foods and took a lot of probiotics… the one thing she discussed was blood pH and I then started on Linda with her cancer and trying to get her blood right.. so many aches and pains can be pointers to incorrect blood pH, it certainly wont cure everything but if one can just get rid of some of the aches life seems so much better… However good health is related to pH…

  2. I can relate to so much here, Sam. It does feel boring, doesn’t it.

    I wish I was more like you. I can’t *stop* talking about how crappy I feel when I’m feeling bad. And my partner is patient but who wants to listen to that crap all day? How do you manage to keep it to yourself? Can I have some tips? 🙂

    1. Thanks Sue. I think having three kids about, I don’t want them to worry, so I keep my mouth closed. Also, I found it doesn’t help me or them to complain. I’ll let my husband know, and sometimes cry to him about it, but for me, I try not to give the pain the power. I try to remember it will pass. And that I am fortunate that the pain flexuates and isn’t constant. I used to complain a lot more in the first couple years. It’s a learning process. Giant healing hugs to you. 🙂 Sam

  3. There are MANY things I can relate to here. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I am high-maintenance – I have learned to not speak about things, or hide them very well. Whether physical pain, if I realize that I am in pain that is, or emotional, sensory, etc… I wonder how much of that causes even more stress? A lot I am sure.

    My recent posts I shared some of my anxieties without being evasive – opening up helped, it has also zapped me of energy!

    I am glad you shared. It helps to know that others understand these things – it feels less lonely, and not so terrible to be such a high-maintenance gal!

    Sending healing bubbles of joy to splash you with tickles!! I do not think they will hurt, when they get to you they will morph into the softest and gentlest thing you adore. 🙂

    1. Oh, they don’t hurt….I love your morphed healing bubbles. Some of the best energy around. 🙂 I am sorry you have to feel this type of pain. Yes, sometimes holding it in does backfire, at least for me. Better sometimes for me to cry or write the pain out. Poetry helps a lot, and hearing from other people who understand.
      I get how opening up can zap us of energy….really does….most likely a transition and energy shift though. Dislodging gunk from our energy pipes….we will feel better for it with time.
      So wonderful to know you high-maintenance gal! 🙂
      Bubble love and raven songs to you
      Sam 🙂
      I’ll be reading blogs soon….I hope…so behind.

  4. Another of my favorite sayings I understand I do I wish I didn’t but really I do. The boring can go away, it has for me it has taken several years of finding the right things to focus on and the right things to do but it has gone away and I am seldom bored these days. And anytime you feel bad about swallowing pig hormone imagine me injecting mouse ovary extract hehe yep it is true that is what my shots are made of inject them every other day.

    1. Oh….mouse ovary and pig hormone….what a pair we are! LOL 🙂 I still have that story in my head of your medicine spilling all over the floor and the team coming to clean up. If I can get past the shock of the “attacks” and realize it will pass and just go with the flow, I will do better. Hard when my youngest keeps asking, are you better yet? Can we do this? Can we do that? But also a learning experience for him about life. Thanks for commenting. Much love to you. 🙂 Sam

  5. I will have to check out “Sliding Doors”. As for your list – it’s very good for you, I think, to write one and to share it – therapeutic. As I was reading, I was giving some thought to doing that myself today for my own post. I won’t do the same as you, Sam, all the time! lol I thought it would do me good and it might help you if you saw that others had a lot of troubles, too. Some of your list I have; others, I don’t. I also think I have a couple you don’t have. Unique, we all are, apparently. Anyway, keep smiling. You are a wonderful person.
    Scott – BB

    1. Oh, Sliding Doors is a must watch! You would enjoy it. It’s on Netflix, if you have that. This was very therapeutic, and for me. I honored myself by writing what I needed to write, even if it meant “boring.” That’s a big move for me. 🙂 That would be great to see your post about your experience. Always makes me feel better to know I’m not alone, and I do realize we all have our own “cross to bear” so to speak. Thanks for the ‘keep smiing.’ I do manage to be very happy most days, and for that I give great thanks. You are a wonderful person to, dear blogging bro. Hugs and light to you. Sam 🙂

  6. On the bad side, you have a lot going on. On the good side, you know a lot about yourself. I hope you can strike a balance that keeps you as functional and happy as possible, dear Sam.

    1. Yep…know a WHOLE lot about me….lol…and so do a lot of other people now…lol. Balance…that is the key. Going to take Bulldogs advice from above and look into that PH balance. Thanks George. ) Sam

  7. Given the thoroughness of your list and your awareness of your needs you probably already have tried yoga but I love it. The practice helps me with the growing stiffness 47 years has brought to my body and the breathing and balance poses help clam me and center me. Just had to mention it, just in case. Best wishes and positive energy being sent your way. 🙂

    1. Yes….have a bunch of yoga dvd’s….I DO NEED to get back into yoga. It helps. Very hard at first because of the pain and fatigue, but always feels better afterwards. Great, great, great reminder. And I am so happy you have found yoga brings you relief. Thanks for the positive energy, too. Lots of healing love to you. Sam 🙂

  8. .Thanks Sam for helping us to understand we all have our own journeys to travel, and that we are never alone in our passage.
    PAIN.. It’s been a constant companion of mine since birth. I think I have it easier because I have never really ever lived pain free.. with the exception of counting backwards from 10 while being administered general anesthesia.. 5-4 was always pure heaven.. lol. And of course the infamous night Jose Cuervo and I did the nasty 14x.. I’d rather have the pain! 😉 And… the non G-Rated practices of committed consenting adults.. is the ultimate free, good for you pain reliever. :))

    I believe humor and music.. and most importantly my daughter (and now granddaughter) have been my saving grace all these years.. Without all these staples holding me here surely by now I would have bought a rope from the finest hardware supply, had a cherry picker delivered to my back yard and placed under the tallest tree.. and gone for broke.

    Just kidding.. thankfully I haven’t any cajones.. Just a brain and a heart, attached to one unique physical body. A body that has for some sick and twisted reasoning turned out to be the biggest blessing of them all.

    I know yours is too!

    Love you more than I can express with this keyboard… Love and Light .. K

    1. Never alone, never. 🙂 You are my inspiration. I always keep you in mind when I have my pain challenges. And I know my pain has softened my heart and made me empathetic to others. I also know it is my teacher, and has made my body much healthier, as I’ve all the measures I have taken to improve my health.
      lol…when I first read about jose cuervo…I thought you meant your old lover, jose, and you went at it 14 times….lmho…then I read your next sentence and laughed aloud…as you did go there….lol
      Humor, music, and connecting with others. My sons have kept me moving. I have never ever been the stay in bed all day mom….though I could justify it. I push myself so they can get where they need to go. I miss running, playing tag, throwing a football, etc…but I have so much I can still do with them. And I’ve been amazingly able to walk 5 to 7 miles a day this summer! So much to be thankful for, really.
      You best not kid about the rope and cherry picker! Not funny!
      Love you my special lady. Hold you in the highest regards, lovely light.
      xoxox Me

  9. You know I love you, and I didn’t find this boring at all. In fact I related to quite a lot of what you shared here my lovely friend. I don’t like you being in pain, but you know I pray for you everyday.
    Thank you for being you and bringing such love and light into my life.
    Me. xxx {{{hugs}}} ❤

    1. Your prayers make a difference. Thank you very much. I’m glad it didn’t bore you. It bored me. lol. But then I find showers boring and couches. You are a bright light for me. How blessed we are with frienship. Hugs and love 🙂 Sam

  10. Oh Sam – coming back now… this post is really hard for me to comment on. It is painful for me to hear of your suffering…and I relate (multiplied x 1000) …. I too have been granted a body that is nearly possessed. Over the 20 years there has been all kinds of diagnoses and intervention – only to become progressively worse…and more disabled. If ever I can help or guide you with any of this… I would be privileged to. My problems span every organ – every joint – etc. I have a ton of insight into the medical system – dozens of medical texts here – years of research and consultations — and surgeries.

    And btw….. It’s only boring if you are lucky enough to be pain-free…
    I wish it was boring to me ~ and you xxooo Much Love Sea Sister — Love (multiplied) … and let’s just keep shining our light (which btw is the theme of my next post which was slated earlier today!)

    Hugs ~

    1. I am so sorry you suffer so. My condition is not progressive. I battle with my mind, as I experience so many sensations in my body all the time. I over-feel everything…digestion, female stuff, pains, etc. I get worried because simple things feel 10 times worse to me. One pimple will ache and hurt me all day, and I can’t stop feeling it. I also tend to get something, and then it “magically” gets better. Doctors have wanted to remove various parts of me, only to find I do get better. Tests get better. Doctores have thought I’ve had conditions, and then turns out I don’t. It boggles the mind. I think I am trapped between dimensions…lol….
      Would love any of your advice/tips/expertise at anytime. feel free to facebook me.

      You are right…..boring if you are pain free.
      We shall keep shining our light!!! Oh, must go visit your blog soon, then.
      HUGS Sea Sis ~ Sam 🙂

      1. Thank you, Sam. I am changing my meds and feeling jittery. Like if someone touches me, I go “ouch”! Sleep is a challenge, but I am grateful for what I can get! 🙂 Take care.

  11. It’s weird to read this. You understand cause and effect with your body so much better than I do. You have an awareness that, at least, can give you understanding of why to some extent, right?

    I’m sorry. It does get overwhelming at times. I fear and hate getting sick. But at least 4-6 times a year my son catches something and within a week I’m sick too. I have two suggestions but first, are you on Pinterest?! I will send you an invite because I’m pretty sure you are not. It’s a very addictive place where you can find all kinds of good stuff and ideas. My first suggestion is to try Pinterest for those days that keep you down and you cannot leave the house. Second, is the Clarisonic brush for your skin. I got mine for Christmas and it has improved my skin 1000%! It will get rid of that 16 year old skin you are talking about- I swear by it! Unless you already have it, in which case – oh well, never mind! 😉 Love to you my dear friend. xoxo

    1. Okay. Facebook me about his Clarisonic brush 🙂 I’ve never heard of it.
      I am so in touch with my body, it’s sometimes frightening. I can tell when my skin is about to break out 1.5 days before it happens! I can tell if I have the slightest tummy upset. I feel everything. I can often tell what vitamins I am low in before test results. It’s great to be in tune, most of the time. Sometimes feeling everything gets rather annoying. I can tell I am going to have a sore throat a few hours before I feel anything…just a tingle and I know. I could go on and on…..but enough said.
      I think I have allergic reaction pink eye to molds in late summer. lol. I did some research. So I’ve been highly focused on that. lol.
      Miss you and so glad to see you. Take more C and D on a daily basis, more veggies, less sugar, and you’ll be sick less! 🙂 HUGS xoxox Sam

  12. Get you Sista, there are few things here my daughter goes through too..she needs a lot of water to get her going, has a texture problem so i am careful what i cook for her, lot of textures,sounds and smell irritate her…about the movement too she will need a lot of time to get that eyes hand coordination thing going, not able to cycle independently…climbing and ging down stairs makes her irritable so we avoid it too..lot of big and small things..
    i am amazed how you take care of your self Sam..with all that hurdles you face and yet bounce back.love ya baby 🙂
    God bless you 🙂
    big hugs 🙂

    1. Thank you for sharing about your daughter’s experience. I imagine there must be tough moments for her, too. I am noticing more and more how sensory overload effects me. I’ll be tired, sad, or in pain, and won’t realize until I trace my steps back that I was overloaded somehow…..typically noisy public place like the zoo today. I have many more up moments than down, so I am thankful. I appreciate your encouragement, as always. You are such a great commenter. 🙂 🙂 🙂
      Loving light and huge blessings to you sweet Soma and friend.

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