spiritual

Day 141: Living to my Desire

| Aspergers Girls

Rose Tears

I am but a rose

Set upon your place

Of non-existence

Of non-reality

Only an image, a ghostly apparition

Made up and invented

I am thornless

Or I am piercing

I am red

Or I am blue

Whispered sweetness

Or casual nonsense

Truth

Or lies

They live if you speak so

I am nothing

I am everything

And you swim in me

All at once

Whether I exist or not

Matters not

Only where you put me

This invisible drifting light

Manifested from your mind’s breath

by Sam

This morning I had a very healing chat with a sweet friend over tea at a local coffee house. She brought me a lovely bouquet from her house, and a red bandana to wipe my tears.

I am an abundance of wavering emotions. In the center is this deep gratitude for having the capacity to connect to beautiful beings of light, and to see my beauty reflected in their souls. I traveled a long road to get where I now stand, capable of seeing my own worth, and in turn, to see the intense magnificence of others’ spirits.

The experience of seeing another as pure light and radiating love is nothing short of a miracle. Everyone seems to have come alive, much like the perineal flower bursting anew after long winter’s snow. With everyone I touch, with each person that touches me, I am finding these beautiful mirrors of beauty, a thousand times a thousand opportunities to embrace the radiance within both myself and another. Along with this journey, comes this continual overwhelming of emotions.

I am much a splintered dam with waters rushing through. I know not what to expect or what to make of what is happening in my reality. But I know enough to stop the mind’s wonderings and questions. I know enough that in speaking my truth, that in honoring my authentic self, authentic needs and desires, that I have opened up to a world of rich opportunity, love, and grand joy. And with the joy, equal sorrow. I continue to swim and swim in my walk, as if above the ground below, and dog-paddling forward in an energy of purity.

I do not long to impress, convince, prove, or pretend.

Pretending was the first robe I shed.

Convincing another or longing to prove my point of view, that garment came off next.

And the third to disappear, the yearning to impress.

I no longer long for approval.

I am enough.

And I know this readily because you are enough.

The tears keep coming, the soldiers and troops from eons ago that gathered by the river preparing to march onward but never heard the bugle’s call. They come now, at my spirit’s beckoning, leading me onward, lifting me up beyond where I’d been.

I see more now. Perhaps because my true eyes are at last open.

And I trust more now.

I trust the unpredictability of the universe, the absence of knowing, the inability to plan, to expect, to will.

I have found the freedom in releasing.

I have finally understood the concept of “letting go,” in understanding nothing and no one is or ever will be mine.

I trust in the guiding light, whatever form one imagines this source or lack of source to be.

I just entirely trust.

The continued signs, continued recognitions and awakenings, remind me I am moving.

Not up or down, backwards or forward—but moving just the same.  I only need to be. No more. No less.

I am living to my desire.

Day 136: I am Beauty. I am Beast.

| Aspergers Girls

Photo on 2012-05-31 at 09.30

I talk to my higher power a lot. All day really. I talk to my angels, Jesus, nature, God, my guardians of light, people who have passed on. And I continually examine my mind, my thoughts, my actions—all the time. I don’t know how to breathe without focusing on the light, on my journey, on my life’s calling.

But I am human. I falter. I stumble. I become fixated and obsessed. I worry. I forget. I forget my purpose and the gifts I carry.

Then the guilt comes. The analysis. The fret and worry. And I am engulfed in should and should nots. How I could be better, more perfect, less human. My mind spins in review of all the reasons I am not enough. All the sources I turn to instead of light—the things, the people. I make validation my idol. I make love of self my goal. I forget why I am here. I forget to release expectations. I forget I am love. I am perfection. I am pure light.

My gift is in my message. In my story. In my words. In my ability to share my truth from the depths of me.

But I forget.

Sometimes I realize that I am writing for my own interest.

Sometimes I write only to be heard or seen by one special person, a friend, a lover.

Sometimes I write in hopes of discovery.

Sometimes I write so someone, anyone, will take note.

Sometimes I write to count the number of like buttons hit on my blog.

Sometimes I write in hopes of the perfect comment from a reader.

Sometimes I write because if I do not I will absolutely explode.

I think of these reasons. And I weep.

I think these are wrong. I think I am wrong.

I cry and beg for forgiveness. For forgiveness for being human.

I plea to be led back to source. For release from my selfish ways.

I weep and weep.

I beat myself up.

My light dims.

Until spirit gently answers.

Like he always does.

In the kindest of ways.

In the form of a gift sent by a distant friend.

A box

that opens

To bubble wrap

Filled with

A mini-zoo of  plastic animals

Each animal with a small uplifting handwritten note attached

Like the rhino ~ stamina, solidity, a creature of substance and expansive power.

Each with a special message for my spirit

Like the Polar Bear ~ The embodiment of the spirit of the north–one who holds ancient wisdom and shamanic powers.

I hold each animal and weep

And then at the very bottom of the box

Find a Beauty and the Beast CD

And I cry harder

In the knowing

Spirit is with me

In knowing I am enough

That I am beauty despite the beast

And beast despite the beauty

That I am courageous

A source of light

Walking in divine timing

Blessed in grace

This Beauty

This Beast

Both equally powerful in message and truth

And I weep again

For I am

And will always be

Nothing Less

Than Perfect

Thank you my dear precious friend

Thank you dear precious spirit

http://onceuponatime.wikia.com/

Day 133: Whispered Lullaby

| Aspergers Girls
autismslove.blogspot.com
Created by my friend

Whispered Lullaby

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy soul to sleep

A gentle breeze of humming wings

To soothe and offer peace

A place of solitude within

Where angels touch the truth

And carry forth to eyes of babe

The whereabouts of youth

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy hope to sleep

With empty voice and quiet ears

To chance love never meets

A place of gated reckonings

Where nothing happens real

And carry forth to mouth of one

The morning bells to heal

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy gape to sleep

A blindfold made of atmosphere

To chase away thy sheep

A place of dreams dried rapidly

Where desire’s last doth bleed

And carry forth to heart of mine

The love that grows through seed

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy grace to sleep

With pampered pains of yesteryears

To tender flames of weeps

A place of casualty of want

Where emptied withered cries

And carry forth to joy of light

The rocking chair that glides

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy depths to sleep

A phantom dance upon a land

To steer away the deep

A place of missing merriment

Where answered call was naught

And carry forth to falling tears

The cloth that soothes the daunts

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy rain to sleep

With hurricane of floodgates leaked

To erase what spirit keeps

A place of choking roots of need

Where thirst is met with blood

And carry forth to angel’s wings

A case to trap the mud

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy ache to sleep

A hope that withered in the field

To scathe abandoned heaps

A place of dreams collapsed in sun

Where looker blindly turned

And carry forth this crystal-clasp

A salve to ease the burn

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy pangs to sleep

With path of frosted glass opaque

To find what’s not to keep

A place of past and future joined

Where other spun and left

And carry forth a winged dove

A chance for inner rest

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy angst to sleep

A passion so engorged within

To move is giant leap

A place of casualty of war

Where battles never cease

And carry forth the purest sheet

A bedding for thy grief

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy dreams to sleep

With hope unraveled in the wind

To watch as chance does seep

A place of deaf awakening

Where prayers are left for naught

And carry forth a candle white

A surrendering of thought

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy night to sleep

A day extinguished by the dark

To fetch a ride and meet

A place of lonely passenger

Where single rides along

And carry forth this arms embrace

A haven for thy song

By Me 🙂
 © Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com

Day 132: In Short

| Aspergers Girls

Here are my favorite shorts I have written. I invite you to choose. 

Day 12: Short piece about being me.  Behind the Curtain 

Day 16: Short story about a friendship. The Bus Stop

Day 20: Philosophical prose.   The Wounded Healer

Day 34: A bitter-sweet short.  A Lonely, Heart-Broken Pillow

Day 45: A short fictional rhyming story. The Land of Grand: A Story of Hope 

Day 58: Predicting the future. Angel and Mary

In Short

Since I started blogging everyday

I have noticed that what matters in life

View from my balcony a few days ago. Sigh.

Is readily available

Lake where I walk

And this realization

Love

Helps me to forget about

Yes, this is my bed!

What I used to think mattered.

sam

Day 127: Enter the River

| Aspergers Girls
YESTERDAY
TODAY

I’ve started this post three times. First about the state of Washington, then about my dog Justice Black, then a poem about faith. But I think what I really need is someone to hold me and sing this song to me.

Having the spirit I do, I am constantly flooded with emotion. I do not know what to expect. Not that any humans do on this earth. But a part of me would like to think that I know what is ahead of me. When in truth, the only thing for certain is this very moment. This very moment that I am crying with such depth. All these feelings. All coming up from long ago; they feel so distant like they are from centuries ago—life times ago. So much grief and happiness, all mixed together.

I am crying so loudly, knowing I am born to be this being, but not always knowing how to comfort this spirit that I am. Knowing so much, so fast, and in such profound ways is overwhelming. Being who I am is overwhelming. Ever since I was a child I have dreamt of the future, I have known things before other people, I have had people visit me in their dreams and tell me of their joys and pain, I have seen angels, spirits, and the dark, I have had answers to prayers, I have seen miracles, I have seen so very much.

I have been called to leadership my entire life, when this gentle, fragile part of me, longs to only be sheltered and protected, to be swept up in a special one’s arms and told that I am safe, that I am found, that I am truth, that I am love. To be told that someone else is fighting for me, someone else not letting go. I am always the one holding on the tightest…..to everyone and everything. The passion in me is so intense at times that I do not know what to do with myself.

I feel the pain of those from thousands of miles away; I feel their joy, too. Energies attach to me, and I can’t distinguish mine from others. Thoughts of others reach me. And I have never been able to stop this, with all the teachers I have sought, I have found limited answers. And many times, longing to be student, I have in turn become teacher. I have looked for my teacher my entire life. Someone who sees more than me. Someone who knows more than I know innately. And I have yet to find him.

I have battled with the voice of demons daily, telling me why I am not of light, when I know I am. I have seen terrible visions in dreams, as if someone is trying to stop me. But I keep fighting.

I embrace light everyday. I am as honest and whole and authentic as I can be. But then, I am raw on the outside, made vulnerable to everything and everyone.

I can do nothing without feeling. I cannot eat without being directly affected by the food. Each food affects my physical body and mind differently. It is easier not to eat. I am affected by weather patterns, by the sun, by the lack of sun. I am affected by chemicals, by environmental toxins—a little bird in the coal mine. I am affected by every vibration of every word I read. I feel through words. I feel energy. I see images. I know others’ pain. I see other’s pain. I know without knowing how. And I cry for them, as much as me. I don’t understand why I was born with such extreme sensitivity. Why I understand concepts at great, great depth. Why I cannot stop thinking about certain people. Why they are like angels to me. I don’t understand why I still feel so isolated when I am surrounded in love.

I don’t understand the voices of guidance I hear. I don’t understand how I can hear such knowledge, and why, in some ways, I have been chosen to shine my light. I feel so unworthy to do so. I feel so inadequate and ill prepared, as if I will never be strong enough to stand upright when I carry the burdens of the world.

But then a gentle voice whispers.

He says I am loved immensely.

I am right where I am supposed to be.

That I have chosen to be a voice.

That I am so very strong and brave to have endured so very much.

And that he holds me.

That he loves me above all else.

And that he is so very sorry that I have to feel such depths of pain.

But that in return he has given me great depths of joy.

A joy so many cannot and will not ever know.

He reminds me of how good and pure I am.

How beneficial to the world I am.

That I am a gift.

He reminds me that all is okay.

That I am sheltered each and every second.

That I will not fall.

That I will not die.

That I will live on.

That my light and my substance, my innocence will live on.

Nothing and no one will snuff my light.

Nothing and no one will stop me from shining.

And I weep louder.

And I understand.

Like I have understood since I was a tiny little girl crying alone in the dark.

That he is there. That he is here.

That he is always holding me.

Maui “Enter the River”
2012

Enter the River

Enter the river, the spirit of me

And I will show you visions

Unseen

Unspoken

Enter the river, the heart of me

And I will embrace you with love

Everlasting

Ever growing

Enter the river, the mind of me

And I will enlighten

Truth

Knowing

Enter the river, the healer of me

And we will be as one

Embraced

United

 

 

 

Wounded Healer Writing