Hundredth Day: Behind the Door

May 7, 2012March 12, 2016 | Aspergers Girls

I’m crying, listening to the song This Time by August Rain, (below), over and over.

Since I was a little girl, in answer to prayer, I was told I was going to be experiencing a lot of trials in life but this would be in preparation to assist others. In February this angelic promise became reality. And I knew that all the pains I held were for a reason. There is no way to put this into words, only tears. If you could see my face, you would know. My eyes would tell you. Today is day 100 of my journey blogging. I have made friends and contacts around the world. Everyone has been supportive and kind. Everyone so beautiful. You have no idea what your presence means to me. I am healing with every set of eyes that hears my truth. Healing knowing, I’m at last walking in my calling. Walking in unity. I am no longer watching life from the sidelines.

This morning, as I wept, I spent some time in reflection, examining Your words. (Traits, 10 Traits, and 116 Reasons) I am gifting myself with feeling happy and celebrating…I am embracing my gift of my words and embracing the gift of your words. Here is a selection of what I am celebrating:

Your website is a huge comfort to me.

Can relate to most of it so well. It’s as if you had been spying on me from inside my mind!

Thank you for expressing words that I have not been able to and for helping me put words to things I have experienced, but didn’t know how to say.

I can’t get over how dead-on each aspect of this is. I feel printing it and handing out to every person in my life.

(Crying harder now!)

Wow. You have totally nailed this as far as my teenage aspie daughter..This was wonderful! I just laughed and laughed in self-recognition.

Oh my goodness. I can relate to so many of these, it’s as if everything is finally slotting into place…I’m just seeing the world through completely new eyes now.

This is amazing! You have written the most precise description of female aspies I have ever read (and I have read quite a lot about this!

I can find myself in all of your points, especially points 5,6 and 7. It’s almost scary how close your description fits me!

So many years spent lost and alone.

Oh. My. Goodness. When I read this it feels like you have had a secret camera filming me since the moment of my birth. Scary.

Thank you so much for this post. I’m going to use to help my partner and family get a better idea of “me”..I knew of a lot of them threw my daughters way of looking at the world,brought a big smile to my face,cant wait to show her

I thought I was alone in not being able to relate to what I look like!!!

Reading your post today was a confirmation for me that once again “I am not crazy” and neither are the rest of us.

So true…. Every damn word…. Beautifully written, thank you for this. I will share this with everyone who just doesn’t understand me.

This did help me understand more about my 27 year old daughter with aspergers.

This is pure brilliance…my daughters world makes so much more sense after reading this.

What you wrote was insightful. I always knew I was different.

I wanted you to know that finding and reading your blog and sharing the information with my husband has made my transition from misdiagnosed, hard to deal with, “crazy” person to a person who is actually like other people with explainable quirks and issues much, much easier!! And even though you are practically telling my life story her, I’m starting my own blog to shout out!

Wow, this describes my 11 yr old Aspie daughter perfectly, and I am grateful I can print this to show her.OMG!! I could almost go yea, uh huh, that’s me too! to every one of your items! Scary! I’m glad I’m not completely alone in this world!

All I can say is…. * * * * * wow * * * * * I feel sure that I’ve found the missing component of so much of who I am, who I’ve been, and what has greatly affected the at times harrowing journey I’ve taken…Today I don’t feel alone at all. Today I feel embraced.

Anyway the piece you wrote is brilliant I love it and so identify, I often feel isolated and alone and not accepted and I’m always looking for people I can connect with and who understand.

All of the moments when I felt as if only me and the person in my head understood life, became so much clearer.

I was crying by the time I got to number 4…This blog is the most spot on description of life as I know it that I have read so far.

There isn’t one single thing, not one, that you wrote that i can say “no, that’s not me”. It is ALL me, all of it. and it’s terrifying and a huge relief at the same time.

(Crying: Think Diane Keaton’s Crying scene without the French Music)

After reading your blog, I became totally obsessed with the possibility that I may be Asperger. I spent the entire day reading your posts, comments from readers, and googled other blogs on this subject. Then I chewed my husband’s ears off asking “so do you think?”

And when I finished reading your post above, it felt like finding a key I’ve looked 33 years for. Your post is almost verbatim my experience…I’m astonished.

And when I finished reading your post above, it felt like finding a key I’ve looked 33 years for. Your post is almost verbatim my experience.

This is me me me me me all over! Spooky how you seem to know my head inside out.

I think because of you I have finally discovered what has been so different about me my whole life. Thank you so much for giving me what might be my answer, I have no words to express the gratitude I have in my heart!

This article so closely describes my life that it made me cry – somebody out there really understands what it is like to be me, and I am not the only one of my kind.

Finding you is the first day of my life.

We are as one.

Behind The Door

There was a time of many tears

Encompassing a thousand years

To even glimpse a sense of joy

Seemed to me an endless void

Where emptiness entrenched a whole

Leaving still this shallow mold

Of whom I was supposed to be

Of all the hopes drained out of me

I searched for answers day and night

I prayed, I cried, I begged for light

Still nothing ticked that I could hear

And all I am near disappeared

What did remain, I did not know

But I continued, even so

I stood and watched from way down low

That part of soul that yearned to grow

Broken, shattered, touched inside

Broken, shattered, no place to hide

Decades passed, and still I tried

To cease the pain that bled me dry

No place to go, no one to ask

No way to understand my past

I lived it all, the shadows gray

Returning to the yesterdays

Every smell, the sound, the face

Could bring me back, to fearful place

And there was more, than one or two

Like the years, a thousand grew

The spots they shadowed up the sun

Siphoning away the fun

From pain to pain, I hopped my path

Never learning how to laugh

Swirls of black and blue and red

Stories that could not be said

Time he came, he watched, he left

Taking with him all the best

And where I looked, through windowpane

Spinning world passed by again

The rise, the fall, the nothingness

The dreaming more to not exist

Until in faith one seed appeared

And sprouted strong within the tears

To something more than I could see

From something bright and bold and free

This surfaced strong, a light to shine

A part no longer left behind

Seed rose with each and every word

I shared and screamed, I scratched and blurred

And in this way, the mirror I shook

So I could take another look

Of what was done, and what was not

Of what was lost, and what was sought

Of all the little treasures blind

Of all the nothings left behind

I walked, I trekked, I even flew

Passing by the girl I knew

The way in which she smiled deep

The way in which she made me weep

The precious one, heart pure as dew

I held her hand and one made two

And thus in words I found a trail

To wave one last goodbye to fail

The steps she made were never wrong

Her heart was always ever strong

Her wishes still she carried true

And in this way I grew anew

In strength the mourning broke and quaked

And love was lastly made awake

To forgive what was, to nod and rise

To finally claim the golden prize

Of seeing where I’d been and gone

Remembering the soft with strong

And now when chance I cross and glance

Another bled by circumstance

In truth, I choose to sit and be

To hold the hand and place the key

To understand that all that came

The hurt, the loss, engulfing shame

Is nothing more than moving brook

A song, a dance, a storybook

For what we are is so much more

Than what is locked behind the door

Samantha Craft 2012

Journey-by-h-koppdelaney1-300x224 — Artist Unknown

Day 99: Like a Tree

May 6, 2012May 6, 2012 | Aspergers Girls

Love–Peace–Joy

I have been cleansing my body through beneficial nutrients. I have been cleansing my mind through beneficial thoughts. Today, like a tree, I spread my roots into the universe and offer you these gifts of thought. May you be blessed with serenity and a gentle lullaby of peace. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are good enough. You are enough.

* When I start to feel pressured, I realize I am the one putting expectations on myself by focusing my energy on the future, reflecting on the past, or judging a person or event. Today I release the feeling of pressure, and gently fall back into the bliss of serenity.

* Trust your gut feeling. Believe you are the barometer of truth. In regards to advice, direction, and strategy, listen twice to your inner being before listening once to another.

* In the entire world there is but one you. You are as unique as the water crystals, each line on your skin an intricate and delicate marker of the beauty you are.

* I once again understand these words I write are only words, only my temporary truth. Ever changing, these words are no less permanent than the tide of the ocean. I sweep forth treasures of shells and seaweed, and the occasional sneaker escaped from the sea. However, nothing is a truth, only a finger pointing to a possible avenue for a possible someone to find his or her own truth.

* Do not question when you will be tall enough to provide adequate shelter, adequate goodness. You are merely a tree set down to grow. Focus on nothing more than the growing, and in this you need not focus either. Because, as a tree grows, with proper nourishment and adequate environment, as shall you grow.

* Nothing is misunderstood, everything is miss-understood—simply missed as you stood under the essence and were not yet ready to grasp the concept.

* I remember today and always that words have a soul, and that we beings are each connected in our thoughts, words and actions.

* I am remembering to evaluate my choices when I feel off balance. I ask myself what is an area I can increase, what is an area I can decrease? I visualize the choices in my life on two scales. If one side is too heavy, I remove part of it. If one is too light, I add a portion. In this way I return to a state of equilibrium.

* I cycle through great grief, anger, forgiveness and acceptance. Through these four seasons I rediscover the unique messages of my soul.

* My mistakes on this journey are equally as worthy as my perceived triumphs. For in my falling, I am made to rise higher in a new found empathy and self-knowledge. Today I embrace my mistakes as much as I embrace my successes.

* Some mornings before I awake I hear a gentle whisper. Once I was told that the path to healing is the opposite of a short cut. The opposite of a short cut is a long mend. Life is a long mending of our emotional, physical, spiritual and mental wounds—the needle and thread is unconditional love, unbounded truth, dedicated service and unyielding compassion.

* When we give without expecting anything but love and healing in return, the universe gives back.

* I pray for a time when we each shine in our own uniqueness and authenticity. When the idleness of conforming has transformed to an active celebration of the masses’ manifestation of love, peace and service.

* In learning to greet the morning alarm with positive affirmations, I am training myself to think positive thoughts upon awakening. “Good morning Beautiful day. Today will be filled with splendor, awe and healing,” is more beneficial than “Stupid alarm!”

* In knowing our essence, we see clearly our true purpose. In renewed clarity of our authentic self, we are freed from victimhood. In this release from fear of injury or loss from circumstance, agency or condition, we are able to focus attention on healing service and the creation of harmony.

* As a human being it is my birthright to flounder, to question, to have moments of sadness and anger, to be fragile, to be vulnerable. In examining the facets of my being, I perceive no weakness, only the limitless ability to connect to others in my authenticity.

* To live fully, I fully forgive everything and everyone. I view each new day as an opportunity to forgive, to forgive self, others and circumstances. By participating in a continual process of forgiving, freedom manifests. No longer hidden behind a barricade of judgment, in forgiveness, I arise a beautiful songbird surrounded in a crystal sky of compassion and love.

* To see through the eyes of a child if only for a moment, to dwell in wonderment and awe, to realize this world is a gift, this I wish for today.

* Today I recognize infinite happiness resides within me. I embrace this sacred space and joyous light within and gently release the responsibility I have placed on objects, people and circumstance to bring inner contentment. I stand in compassion of all that passes before me, allowing the joy found in the concrete to linger momentarily, before blowing the essence softly forward like the seeds of a dandelion.

* Each day is another opportunity to choose to partake in the process of discernment. In using discernment, instead of judgment, I stay on equal ground with all. In judging I automatically give up energy and view myself as lesser or greater. In observing, while gently releasing judgment, I remain energized, at peace and available to serve.

* The message I have been told since childhood is to serve and to love. The message I have been told since my young adulthood is to give without need of recognition or monetary gain. Only in giving unconditionally can I honor my true intention of love and service. Only in giving unconditionally without expectation can I be the most effective teacher and student.

* Tomorrow as I wake up, before I recognize where I am, who I am, and whom I am with, I shall recognize the awakening of a glorious and love-filled day.

* I Imagine a book of instructions for the globe, where each day has a deed: one day I help an elderly person, one day I offer a stranger an envelope with money, another I clean a neighbor’s home, and then on some days, together across the globe, at the exact same moment as other lights, I focus on the thought of love and peace…..I Imagine.

* I was reminded this morning that we are each like the flowers, in that we grow to our greatest potential when we are planted in fertile soil, have pure water, and are surrounded in the clean air and sunshine. Today so many are searching. In nature we can find the answers.

* In accepting my mind’s limitations, I choose to stand equal, unchanged in perceived controversy and chaos, for I know not what I see, not what I judge, except through the shattered scope of my narrow viewing.

* There are but two ways to walk in this world, as a blind man in search of safety or as a wise man in search of truth.

* To many honoring the soul’s quest require guidelines, e.g., authenticity, discernment, giving, and loving; though, in honoring our true intentions, there is an innate ever-changing removal of requirements. Thus there are no rules, guidelines, or examples, except what each individual person creates. Above all be true to thyself, thy own beliefs, thy own calling—there are no answers except within.

* In relationships where members strive to be authentic, accept the inevitable differences between them, and express thoughts, feelings and needs, a light of truth shines the way to self-growth, inner wisdom, and confidence.

* I have an infinite capacity to serve others. Whether through a positive thought, helpful word or silent prayer, I serve. And as I give, I grow in clarity of mind and energy of spirit. In this way of mindfully serving, I refuel my entire being. So exists an endless cycle of giving and receiving that need only be powered by the intention of goodwill.

Quotes collected from the roots of Samantha Craft’s thoughts. Spread your roots.

MillenniumTree — More and more divine images found here:
https://www.facebook.com/TheOfficialJosephineWall

I love you. Thank you for partaking in my journey and helping me to heal and blossom. “I’ll stop the world and melt with you. You’ve seen the difference, and it’s getting better all the time. There’s nothing you and I won’t do. I’ll stop the world and melt with you…the future is open wide.” ~ Modern English

Day 98: The Day I Lost My Butt

May 4, 2012May 5, 2012 | Aspergers Girls

This is a true story.

My husband took this photo and the other. He is gifted that way.

I was with a crowd of people the day I lost my butt. I searched everywhere for my butt. In desperate need of a butt, I clasped my two hands over a stranger’s butt, imitated pulling off her butt, and then I tried to fit her butt onto my butt. But her butt wouldn’t stay on me. When the stranger asked, “How does my butt fit?” I responded, “Too small.” And with a frown, I sighed, shrugged my shoulders, hung my head low, and gave her back her butt.

As I walked in embarrassment without at butt, I covered the place my butt had been with my hands. Sometimes I slid across the floor to hide my missing butt or I squatted down and walked low to the ground. When I sat, I placed my hands beneath me on the chair to protect the skin where my butt had been. Other times I sat on my knees.

Off and on for an hour, I searched for my butt. One time I asked the crowd, “Have you seen my butt?”

I looked under my chair for my butt. I looked in corners and underneath people’s legs for my butt. Later, in desperation, I found a microphone, and again asked, “Has anyone seen my butt?”

No one had seen my butt.

After we left the crowd, and returned home, for weeks my three sons, and sometimes my husband, would peer from around the corner, at random intervals, and ask, “Where’s your butt?” One day my family gathered together on the couch to view the recording of the day I lost my butt.

It didn’t matter where I went in our home. I could be sitting on the toilet, climbing the stairs, or cooking dinner, and someone in our house would ask, “Where’s your butt?”

I will always remember the day I lost my butt.

My butt is back now. My butt actually never disappeared. I only thought my butt had vanished. In reality I’d been hypnotized on stage to believe my butt was stolen.

I believe at times we all think we’ve lost our butts, or at least we believe we’ve lost a portion of ourselves. Many of us think an essential part of us is missing or lacking. We believe we aren’t worthy, aren’t enough, aren’t special, and aren’t lovable; when in actuality we came into the world fully equipped with everything we need. Our butts are firmly attached.

Nothing is missing and nothing has been taken away. We are worthy, we are enough, we are special, we are lovable, but we forget. When we think we are lacking that is like our mind tricking us into think we have no butt. When we think we are lacking, we walk the world like our butts are missing. We hang our heads low, we hide, we search, we ask, we fear and worry.

We trick ourselves. We hypnotize ourselves into thinking we are lacking when everything is right there where it is supposed to be. All we have to do is to reach down and grab our gifts. They are right there waiting.

So the next time you find yourself lacking, remember the story of the lady who lost her butt. Think of her standing on stage, speaking into a microphone and asking, “Has anyone seen my butt?” That is exactly what you are doing when you are searching for your worthiness.

Don’t ever think you’ve lost your butt.

Your worthiness is firmly attached to you.

Now get out there and shake your booty!

The answer for yesterday’s post was number 9. Number 9 was the fiction.

Number 9 was a little bit true. The object was a tampon that flew across the cafeteria and hit someone in the head, but I ducked, covered, and ran before anyone knew I was the culprit. No one picked it up and handed it to me.

Don’t feel bad, my husband guessed the wrong one.

For those that guessed number 7, you were close. I could have worded that fact more clearly. I did review 100 men, but I reviewed the recordings they left, then I called a couple dozen back. So, if you guessed that number, you get a free pass.

Everything else was true. Including Patty Hearst and the swimsuit model. Thanks for participating. I had a great time reading your lists.

Day 97: Fact or Fiction Double Challenge: Guess and Press

May 4, 2012May 4, 2012 | Aspergers Girls

Fact or Fiction Double Challenge: Guess and Press

Fellow Bloggers: Your mission, if you so choose, is to (1) Read this list; (2) Figure out what number below is fiction; (3) Write in the comment area the number you think is fiction; (4) Copy and paste this introduction onto your blog; (5) Compose your own Fact of Fiction list on your blog; (6) Return here and in the comment section put a link to your list.

Fellow Non-Bloggers: Your mission, if you so choose, is to (1) Read this list; (2) Figure out what number below is fiction; (3) Write in the comment area the number you think is fiction; (4) Compose your own Fact of Fiction list of three or more things in the comment section below.

My answer will be in tomorrow’s post. If you don’t partake the aliens will get you!

1. I had three sets of braces. Three! I had to have them all yanked off when we moved to the east coast; only to have those new braces yanked off and replaced when we moved back west, eight months later. As if that wasn’t enough, I also had this torture device called a Frankle—a double retainer gadget that made it impossible to eat or talk.

2. Stardom: I once went to a movie theater in Carmel, California and John Travolta and his wife were in the far back row. He is as sexy in person. I once was in a bar with Clint Eastwood. My uncle dated Patty Hearst. I lived around the block from Shirley Temple Black.

3. My husband and I won the newlywed game on the cruise ship. My husband’s was the winning answer because he guessed his annoying habit that I had spilled to the entire audience. I was disappointed because our prize was a couple of wine glasses. Show me the money!

4. I was a swimsuit model for a travel catalog for a Malta hotel. The photographer complained about my double-jointed arms and how they looked awkward during the photo shoot. “What’s wrong with your arms?” he groaned.

5. I was a perfume model for Macy’s. One of those dressed up gals that annoys people by spraying them with chemicals and asking how they like it. I made big bucks but only could handle one day of spraying strangers. Much like a male cat, I felt.

6. One of my front teeth is mostly gone and has a fake tooth over it. Underneath the fake tooth is a little toothpick shaped stub. Originally, before the expensive repair, I had a root canal without any pain-killer. During the procedure the dentist asked if I wanted to see the root, and I said, “Are you crazy?”

7. I met my husband by writing a personal ad in the newspaper. Interesting men listened to a recorded message in which I outlined FIFTY specific traits I was looking for in a mate. I rated each man on a scale of one to ten, based on his response. This was before internet and speed dating. I screened about 100 guys over the phone, met fifteen, and chose my husband. It was between him and a lawyer with a limp. I rated my husband an Eight. (No offense to people with a limp; I limp often.)

8. Throughout my childhood I had detailed dreams about how my pets would die. I would wake up in the night and go running to my mom’s bedroom. About seven days later following my dream, the pets would die exactly as I had described. I had a pet cemetery in my backyard.

9. One of my most embarrassing moments in high school happened when I reached into my purse to grab some change and accidentally flung out a sanitary napkin across the crowded school cafeteria. Three of the most popular boys were standing nearby, and one bent down to retrieve the pad for me.

10. The one time we went to Maui, we experienced the worst storm they’d had in years. The sewers overflowed and the beaches were all closed. We spent the first few days inside the condo watching television. At night I worried about the water rising and taking my life. Later in the week, I threw up on the whale watching boat. The instructions were to throw up over the side of the deck. No one told me this didn’t mean from the top deck. My son screamed, so the whole boatload could here: “Stop Mom, you’re killing the fish!” But he didn’t have to worry, as I threw up all over the bottom level of the boat.

To Ponder

My son with Aspergers, as I tucked him into bed last night, completely serious tone, said:

“I can’t wait to live in a retirement home. So everyone will take care of me.” ~ Joe, age 13

To Motivate

Kindred Spirit Posted a Great Series of YouTubes Wayne Dyer on appreciation.

Kindred Spirit this reminds me of you: “No Limit People are human beings that take what they are and accept it. And don’t tell themselves that somehow they are deficient because of anything about themselves.” ~ Wayne Dyer

To Remember

I love you just the way you are.

This is dedicated to my new friend Alien Hippy.