484: Communication Barrier: Aspergers

Fixation on another person is an ego attachment that represents no true or stable emotions of affection. It is my attempt to connect to source through hyper-focusing all of my energy like a laser beam onto one entity. All thoughts of the reality of the person and my own personhood are lost. I long to own the individual, per chance I might feel the love of God and fill the emptiness and void of being here on earth. For me the object of my attention can be anyone—marvelous or messed up. I am blind to the reality of the situation until the fixation passes. My brain needs a puzzle, something to solve, something to fixate on. This temporary ‘one’ becomes a portal that sucks up self and pulls my mind into a different realm or fantasy. The process is both a form of escapism and the relief that comes through the act of rearranging aspects of a puzzle; the intensity is insurmountable in moments, akin to an underwater tunnel pulling me under into a vortex. When I resurface, I am amazed at the way in which I have imprisoned my being.

~ Sam, Everyday Aspergers

Sometimes my fixation is an attempt to be seen. For most of the time I walk in this world, I feel utterly invisible.

Here is how I currently view communication:

I see two lines, two vibrations, almost like sound waves. (The two lines are parallel and horizontal.) And the top line, the top wave, is what is coming out of a person’s mouth, and the bottom wave is what I am feeling, what is underneath what he is saying: his insecurity, his fear, the reasons why he is forming the words he is forming, the sentences he is forming based on his own insecurities and needing me to fulfill a part of him. Since he is always focused on his fear and the outcome, he is not focused on connection, he is not focused on me. I don’t need him to be focused on me for ego-needs, I need him to be focused on me so I can feel him. As long as there is a discrepancy I can see in the two vibrations, there is no connection.

In being that there is no connection, I am constantly looking at two conversations at once. I am looking into what is coming out of his mouth, but I am also simultaneously listening to what is at his heart-center, what is at his core, all of the things he is not saying and that he wants to say. Often I can pick those up, and I can tell the person exactly what I am thinking and feeling, and this frustrates him, because I am more than likely correct. This creates this constant communication barrier in which I am listening and knowing what is being said is not ‘true.’

When I talk to someone with Aspergers that discrepancy between the two wave lines is not there. It is also such an intense communication that if one of the other participants fluctuates and he/she tries to hide something, the other person will point out the discrepancy in communication, no matter the distance. Whether the two be in different states or countries. From a distance, she might say, “That doesn’t match what you are feeling. What happened? How did your energy shift?”

When I am with a person with Aspergers, I am no longer alone. I am seen. I am not invisible. To most of the world I am invisible, and it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying being a person who can look at people and see entirely inside of them, and see their fears, and see their blockages, and listen to them talk and know most of what they are saying is just an imaginary game. And to realize I am not really connected at all, but rather some free-formed ghost waiting to be seen.

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9 thoughts on “484: Communication Barrier: Aspergers

  1. Early on, I used to reflect what neuro-typical thinkers were actually saying back to them. I soon found out that it’s certainly not a way to endear myself to them. I refer to it as “calling them on their bull****.” So I am here, mostly alone except for my Aspie son and my mildly Aspie partner. That’s more than many have, I know. But I miss having “friends.”

  2. wowza. This blew me away with the accuracy of what I experience. Completely. I see to the core. Word for word I felt this. You should write a book. If all of us Autistics wrote a book we could change perceptions drastically:)

  3. Oh yes! You break it up so well, the two horizontal separate lines of communication, I see it too. I can’t stand when my point is misunderstood, and my gift/torture, is being pin pointedly aware of the tiny shift in conversation, wherein the person I’m talking with begins to speak for someone else in the room, don’t matter if they are looking directly at me, I can feel the shift jump to some third party in the vicinity, someone else becomes the focus and the targeted player in what should have been my game. I hate that, that is when I feel desperate in my brain, it’s very difficult to ignore, and has incited many arguments of denial on the other persons part. Oh well.

  4. From reading these comments I sense an attitude of both arrogance and ignorance:those people that you call NTs and who speak Bull**** are the cause of your impairment? So you can tell what people are thinking? I know a Physciatrist, who after 10 years of study and 20 years of practice, admits that he still finds this skill quite a challenge.Do you ever stop for a moment and consider the possibilty that these Bull****ers, as you refer to the population at large, may have their own personal problems:insecurity;shyness;low self esteem;inferiority complex, depression, unhappiness, health issues etc?
    It is always easy to blame others for ones own failings/differences or whatever
    words you like to use, and by doing so, you exhibit the lack of grace and charm necessary in this confusing world and, of course, miss the chance of understanding the core issues and therefore, the opportunity to ameliorate your own well-being.

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