Hundredth Day: Behind the Door

I’m crying, listening to the song This Time by August Rain, (below), over and over.

Since I was a little girl, in answer to prayer, I was told I was going to be experiencing a lot of trials in life but this would be in preparation to assist others. In February this angelic promise became reality. And I knew that all the pains I held were for a reason. There is no way to put this into words, only tears. If you could see my face, you would know. My eyes would tell you. Today is day 100 of my journey blogging. I have made friends and contacts around the world. Everyone has been supportive and kind. Everyone so beautiful. You have no idea what your presence means to me. I am healing with every set of eyes that hears my truth. Healing knowing, I’m at last walking in my calling. Walking in unity. I am no longer watching life from the sidelines.

This morning, as I wept, I spent some time in reflection, examining Your words. (Traits, 10 Traits, and 116 Reasons) I am gifting myself with feeling happy and celebrating…I am embracing my gift of my words and embracing the gift of your words. Here is a selection of what I am celebrating:

Your website is a huge comfort to me.

Can relate to most of it so well. It’s as if you had been spying on me from inside my mind!

Thank you for expressing words that I have not been able to and for helping me put words to things I have experienced, but didn’t know how to say.

I can’t get over how dead-on each aspect of this is. I feel printing it and handing out to every person in my life.

(Crying harder now!)

Wow. You have totally nailed this as far as my teenage aspie daughter..This was wonderful! I just laughed and laughed in self-recognition.

Oh my goodness. I can relate to so many of these, it’s as if everything is finally slotting into place…I’m just seeing the world through completely new eyes now.

This is amazing! You have written the most precise description of female aspies I have ever read (and I have read quite a lot about this!

I can find myself in all of your points, especially points 5,6 and 7. It’s almost scary how close your description fits me!

So many years spent lost and alone.

Oh. My. Goodness. When I read this it feels like you have had a secret camera filming me since the moment of my birth. Scary.

Thank you so much for this post. I’m going to use to help my partner and family get a better idea of “me”..I knew of a lot of them threw my daughters way of looking at the world,brought a big smile to my face,cant wait to show her

I thought I was alone in not being able to relate to what I look like!!!

Reading your post today was a confirmation for me that once again “I am not crazy” and neither are the rest of us.

So true…. Every damn word…. Beautifully written, thank you for this. I will share this with everyone who just doesn’t understand me.

This did help me understand more about my 27 year old daughter with aspergers.

This is pure brilliance…my daughters world makes so much more sense after reading this.

What you wrote was insightful. I always knew I was different.

I wanted you to know that finding and reading your blog and sharing the information with my husband has made my transition from misdiagnosed, hard to deal with, “crazy” person to a person who is actually like other people with explainable quirks and issues much, much easier!! And even though you are practically telling my life story her, I’m starting my own blog to shout out!

Wow, this describes my 11 yr old Aspie daughter perfectly, and I am grateful I can print this to show her.OMG!! I could almost go yea, uh huh, that’s me too! to every one of your items! Scary! I’m glad I’m not completely alone in this world!

All I can say is…. * * * * * wow * * * * * I feel sure that I’ve found the missing component of so much of who I am, who I’ve been, and what has greatly affected the at times harrowing journey I’ve taken…Today I don’t feel alone at all. Today I feel embraced.

Anyway the piece you wrote is brilliant I love it and so identify, I often feel isolated and alone and not accepted and I’m always looking for people I can connect with and who understand.

All of the moments when I felt as if only me and the person in my head understood life, became so much clearer.

I was crying by the time I got to number 4…This blog is the most spot on description of life as I know it that I have read so far.

There isn’t one single thing, not one, that you wrote that i can say “no, that’s not me”. It is ALL me, all of it. and it’s terrifying and a huge relief at the same time.

(Crying: Think Diane Keaton’s Crying scene  without the French Music)

After reading your blog, I became totally obsessed with the possibility that I may be Asperger. I spent the entire day reading your posts, comments from readers, and googled other blogs on this subject. Then I chewed my husband’s ears off asking “so do you think?”

And when I finished reading your post above, it felt like finding a key I’ve looked 33 years for. Your post is almost verbatim my experience…I’m astonished.

And when I finished reading your post above, it felt like finding a key I’ve looked 33 years for. Your post is almost verbatim my experience.

This is me me me me me all over! Spooky how you seem to know my head inside out.

I think because of you I have finally discovered what has been so different about me my whole life. Thank you so much for giving me what might be my answer, I have no words to express the gratitude I have in my heart!

This article so closely describes my life that it made me cry – somebody out there really understands what it is like to be me, and I am not the only one of my kind.

Finding you is the first day of my life.

We are as one.

source unknown

Behind The Door

There was a time of many tears

Encompassing a thousand years

To even glimpse a sense of joy

Seemed to me an endless void

Where emptiness entrenched a whole

Leaving still this shallow mold

Of whom I was supposed to be

Of all the hopes drained out of me

I searched for answers day and night

I prayed, I cried, I begged for light

Still nothing ticked that I could hear

And all I am near disappeared

What did remain, I did not know

But I continued, even so

I stood and watched from way down low

That part of soul that yearned to grow

Broken, shattered, touched inside

Broken, shattered, no place to hide

Decades passed, and still I tried

To cease the pain that bled me dry

No place to go, no one to ask

No way to understand my past

I lived it all, the shadows gray

Returning to the yesterdays

Every smell, the sound, the face

Could bring me back, to fearful place

And there was more, than one or two

Like the years, a thousand grew

The spots they shadowed up the sun

Siphoning away the fun

From pain to pain, I hopped my path

Never learning how to laugh

Swirls of black and blue and red

Stories that could not be said

Time he came, he watched, he left

Taking with him all the best

And where I looked, through windowpane

Spinning world passed by again

The rise, the fall, the nothingness

The dreaming more to not exist

Until in faith one seed appeared

And sprouted strong within the tears

To something more than I could see

From something bright and bold and free

This surfaced strong, a light to shine

A part no longer left behind

Seed rose with each and every word

I shared and screamed, I scratched and blurred

And in this way, the mirror I shook

So I could take another look

Of what was done, and what was not

Of what was lost, and what was sought

Of all the little treasures blind

Of all the nothings left behind

I walked, I trekked, I even flew

Passing by the girl I knew

The way in which she smiled deep

The way in which she made me weep

The precious one, heart pure as dew

I held her hand and one made two

And thus in words I found a trail

To wave one last goodbye to fail

The steps she made were never wrong

Her heart was always ever strong

Her wishes still she carried true

And in this way I grew anew

In strength the mourning broke and quaked

And love was lastly made awake

To forgive what was, to nod and rise

To finally claim the golden prize

Of seeing where I’d been and gone

Remembering the soft with strong

And now when chance I cross and glance

Another bled by circumstance

In truth, I choose to sit and be

To hold the hand and place the key

To understand that all that came

The hurt, the loss, engulfing shame

Is nothing more than moving brook

A song, a dance, a storybook

For what we are is so much more

Than what is locked behind the door

Samantha Craft 2012

Artist Unknown

T

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30 thoughts on “Hundredth Day: Behind the Door

  1. WOW SAM …….
    YOU ARE SO LOVED…………………
    CRYING TOO WITH YOU XOXOXOXOXXOXOX
    SPEEECHLESS IN TORONTO XO
    LOVE
    AND TONS OF ANGELS EVERYWHERE AROUND YOU ALWAYS XOXOXO
    C

      1. DEAR SAM THE BEAUTIFUL LIGHT HEARTED WOMAN .
        SPEECHLESS IN TORONTO IS SLEEPLESS IN TORONTO BECAUSE OF ANGELS . JUST THOUGHT I WOULD SAY HI – HUGGS AND HEAVEN TO YOU XOXO
        CAT XO

  2. Love you my lovely friend, you made me cry too.
    You are such a blessing to so many and I thank God that we are friends.
    August Rush is one of my favourite DVD’s.
    I’ve lost count how many times I have watched it.
    Thinking of you and praying for you too.
    Lees. xxx 🙂 ❤

  3. Dearest Sam,

    Congratulations on your 100th day. I am so glad to have met you online. I spend so much time curled around my own life, I find it difficul to connect with others. you make that connection easy for me. I know that a laugh awaits me. Or perhaps an insight that has been floundering on the periphery of my mind.

    As I read the comment you shared, I see myself reflected again and again, a powerful reminder of the community i am a part of. thank you for providing a haven for us.

    Much Love,
    Lori

  4. Aww babe you made me cry today…not good for my cold…but you just opened this dam..love you Sam..
    that poetry is made of vulnerability and power with in both..so beautiful and profound
    If i could i would hug you so tight …..but then you are like my daughter you would kill me so hugs from a safe distance 🙂
    I am so glad we met, you are super awesome funniest cutest 🙂

    1. Kept that Awesome photo. Going to post it!
      Crying with you! Tissue? Love you bunches. Heal fast.
      hee hee about the hugs…. The first time we meet I definitely want a tight hug!
      You are so MARVELOUS. Thank you for your kindness.
      Light and Love to you Sweet, Sweet Soma.
      🙂 Sam

  5. Love, love, love! I have no words right now. I overextended myself with my last three “serious” posts, but I had to let you know love, love, love this post and love you too!

    Yea! 100th post you did it. Awesome accomplishment and amazing ability to be so open, honest, and wonderfully you.

    Many love bubbles and smiles to you my friend. Your words have been so healing for me!

  6. No words speak volumes, Angel. 🙂
    I love you. Thank you for your sweet comment. Yea!!!! Happy Dance under rainbow in forest with minty-scented bubbles floating overhead.
    Sam

  7. post 100…and what a glorious one this was…You really make me wonder sometimes sam(thejam) not about you…but, about me…hmmmm…Your posts are so insightful, so relatable, that its frightening…Samtastic you always are

  8. 100 is just the beginning. You have lit the way for so many that were in the dark. Family is more than blood, cigarettes, Vodka and waiting. It is those who know your very soul. You may have never seen me but I would never leave you to count the towels til the water went gray. Much love to you my friend. You are always home when you talk to me. xoxo

    1. Now you’ve done it. Prepare for me to show up at your doorstep when we come down to CA! Family is those who know your soul! Thank you for this. “Always home when you talk to me”~~~~trying to make me cry again. So sweet your words. Thank you Lovely. 🙂 Sam

      1. You are the best, my dear! THE BEST! Tomorrow’s post is about me, finding myself. I thank you at the end. ❤ What do you mean "my" doorstep? You said it – "we are as one"… 🙂

  9. Sam, congratulations on your 100th day! We, your readers, have befitted so much from all your wisdom, energy, and creativity. We’ve had a chance to laugh, cry, sympathize, commiserate, and receive an education—sometimes all at once! Keep up the great work!

    1. Sometimes all at once—-so true! YOU are so good at pointing out the little things, and very obvious things, too.
      I love your comment. Don’t forget I adopted you a loooong time ago! Big Hugs! ~ Sam 🙂

  10. Well, Sam, you have done it again! Great Post! And, my emotions ran the gauntlet, happy to sad to very disappointed (at your mom) then back to happy when I realized who you are today.
    I also would love to meet you someday. Whether it happens or not, I would like to.
    Also, when I wrote the post on favorite movies, I totally forgot “August Rush” which is, really, probably, my very favorite movie, but I have misplaced it, so forgot to include it as I haven’t seen it in over a year.
    Thanks for that reminder, as well.
    Scott

    1. Commented at your blog at same time:)
      Seattle 2013 I am having a get together for Everyday Aspergers!
      Would love to meet you someday. I still have my eye out for you for that special someone.
      Hugs! Sam

  11. much love, my friend…please don’t cry {{{{hugs}}}} congratulations on your 100th day blog…soooo happy for you…thank you for all the wonderful stories, kind thoughts, words of inspiration…and everything you shared…i am awed by your selflessness and humility…you are soooo loved, Sam 🙂 🙂 i celebrate with you with sincerity in my heart…wishing you more power and wisdom to do what you do…:) 🙂

    1. I will gladly take those wishes. Thank you! I wish abundance,peace, joy, and health for you. Thank you my friend for shining so brilliantly. My tears were healing, as are your words. Light and Love ~ Sam

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