334: I Am The River

644376_10200639186812192_1024325069_n

I am not sure where my head space is. Or where my head is for that matter. I tend to ascribe to the Buddhist teachings that we don’t exist, as we can’t see ourselves in totality… Ever! And so, like the rest of me, my head has mysteriously disappeared.

Lately, some part of “Me” has been noticing I am much more aware of my environment. It seems that for decades, until now, I have skid past life and missed much of what happens around me on a day-to-day basis. Kind of like a first time ice-skater skidding on her butt so fast and so far that when she stands she doesn’t reckon she notices anything, except the full-heated rush of blood to the face, the cold butt, bruises, and torn pants.

image_1362115247075985

Life seems like that for me, right now. Like I spent some four-decades plus skidding on my butt on the cold ice, only to just now discover that there are bleachers, chairs, and waiting areas, and even snack bars!

Today, everything is more clearer, as if, finally and at last, somehow I figured out I could step off of the ice, and even remove my ice skates. I cannot explain it any better.

image_1362115928720057

Just recently, I am beginning to notice things I never ever did before. Patterns for starters, like the patterns in puddles, and patterns found in the streaks on the road after it rains, and the patterns in the shapes leaves make after falling. I am starting to notice patterns everywhere. I somehow managed to spend years not recognizing things that are right in front of my face.

I am going through many ah!ha!, look-at-that!-moments; It is similar to how I never understood about how a flower only lasts so long and then dies, even if it is in a pot of soil. I used to think a flower would last forever. It wasn’t until my twenties that I made the connection. While all around me flowers were blooming and dying. I just couldn’t see it or comprehend the process.

I have discovered, that at like faces, I cannot remember scenery. I cannot grasp the completeness of my surroundings. I am in a way in some type of visible matrix, in the center of an ever-changing energetic playing arena.

I cannot remember the order of houses when I drive down streets, the order of streets, the order of trees; I can’t remember where I saw the fire hydrant or where that one street was I once turned down. I just can’t. I have this incredible mind, but it cannot grasp the simple things, or at least not hold onto them.

I am finding great comfort in painting. Well, truthfully comfort isn’t the appropriate word, as the painting process itself is excruciatingly emotionally. So much energy and purging comes up. I go through cycle upon cycle of feeling, and have sensations of intense energy, both beneficial and exhausting. And no matter how hard I concentrate, I do not know what the painting will look like until it, the painting itself, is done.

As I have said early, when I paint, I am waiting for what is inside of the canvas to emerge. I feel this presence there just waiting to be uncovered and discovered.

And that is how I am seeing life now: That behind everything and everyone is this universal light and love waiting to be recognized and recovered, waiting to be held for its beauty alone.

I am much like a young child in so many ways, in so many “good” ways, able to see the same street again and again with new eyes.

Everything is shifting. Like the image of me in the mirror, my world is not stagnant.

Life to me is a river of sorts, and I am carried daily.

Instead of thinking I have fallen and am endlessly sliding on the cold ice, I can see I am very much alive, awake, and full of newness, the same newness that exists everywhere.

Interestingly enough, when I first delved into painting a few months ago, my angels (Holy Spirit) spoke to me and said with a camera I would be able to see images (spirits and souls) in my paintings.

This is truly amazing for me, as I am finding more and more “messages” and “signs” in my paintings. On this post I have shared one of my most recent paintings. It went through hours of transitions.

I love this painting. I see this as a spiritual being, me, in which essence and energy attaches. I am able to look at this and find peace. This painting is how I see the world. What I take in shifts and changes depending on the angle, my mood, the people and events around me, and the energy of the moment.

There is a beautiful energy here.

Gratitude is immeasurable. I am gratitude.

I exist as joy and thankfulness. And I embrace all parts of me, however imperfect or fabulous they are deemed.

I know, that like the images I am creating, in my painting, and through the limited scope of my mind and eyes and senses, that everything is always changing and shifting. There is no need to pitch down a tent upon myself and force, or, better yet, try to force myself to be this way or that way for this purpose or for that purpose; because soon, none of what is now will exist.

I am a river. My life is a river. Silly to try to capture a river.

Blessings and Light,
Sam

IMG_0599

Post 243: I’m Odd

I’m odd

And that’s just fine

I talk too much at times

And other times I close myself off to the world

But that’s okay

It’s who I am, and how I function

I worry a lot, too much, likely

But my heart is super huge, like a mountain upon a mountain on the highest peak, it is

I love my weirdness

It’s like yours

It’s quirky and cute and interesting

Never boring

I love me a lot

I’m sweet

Like chocolate, only better

People don’t crave me and overstuff me

They just enjoy

As long as I enjoy me

And that’s good

Beneficial

Perfect

If I let myself shine

If I recognize my beauty

Then people with heart

Will see

The real me

See themselves, in me

The inspiration

And acceptance

And love

And then together

We can think

She’s weird

Really odd

But I like her!

Day 214: Because I Am

I know who I am.

I have self-awareness. I see myself clearly. I accept myself.

I understand myself, as wild as I might be.

I know I am “good.”

I know I am light.

I know I have a purpose and a drive. I have a calling. I know my calling. And I follow my calling.

I know the difference between authenticity and pretending.

I know genuineness and pureness of heart.

I know suffering, deep suffering; and because I know deep suffering, I know your deep suffering.

I understand your pain because I have been in pain. I understand your joy, because I have known grand joy.

I do not feel separate from you or different; I feel as you; both of us souls on a journey of discovery.

I am light and can only love what is inherent beauty.

I see the light in everyone. I see it everywhere. And this adds to my sadness as it adds to my joy.

I see people walking in spirit. I see past the flesh and past the games that are invented by the lonely, lost man. I see past the visions that others paint in front of them in an attempt to hide. I see beyond their fears and happenstance, their intentions, motivations, and at times intended and unintended manipulation.

I see into the heart of man; and if I have to suffer to see so, then I suffer.

My mind is a miracle, a glorious miracle, and my heart even grander.

I love who I am in every aspect.

I have faced my shadows. I have faced the demons, the voices, the hauntings of mind and ghosts.

I have dreamed of the future and watched it unfold, and in so doing, stood in awe of the universe.

I have experienced life in the deepest capacity, at the deepest levels. I have lived.

I have watched my wishes come true. I have treaded through the darkest of days and come out stronger and self-sufficient. I am supported by myself. I have a companion in my own being. And I am supported by the angels, or spirits, or whatever is beyond our capacity to sense.

I feel energy around me from everything and everyone. I understand others in a way many do not yet understand.

I am humble. I recognize the pride in me and face this pride and gently release. I am insecure and recognize this too, embracing my beauty further, so insecurity may have a place to rest.

I am not ashamed of any part of me. I can speak my mind fully, my thoughts fully, and not wonder if I am being true to me. I am always true to me.

I can openly say when I am scared or frightened.

I am in totality. I am me.

I will be the first to say sorry and have no regret in doing so. I will be the first to say I love you with no intention but to say the words.

I don’t follow a guidebook to feel real. I follow my own book. And I get to write the present each moment.

I am genuine in my intentions. I constantly seek to be truth, to speak truth, to resonate truth.

I do not hunger for fame or attention. I do not hunger for success or material gain. I only hunger for peace and serenity.

I am truly gifted. I am gifted in my ability to live each moment as if it were my very testimony of being. I am gifted in my continual thoughts to be the most beneficial being on this plane of existence that I can be. I am gifted because I have no curtain. There is nothing to pull back and see. Nothing I hide. Nothing to take, expose, or corrupt.

I am hiding no secrets. And without secrets, there is no weapon anyone can use against me.

I embrace love, peace and serenity, and nearby is the continual quest for growth. I am growing.

I am worthy simply because I am.