Day 68: Karmic Crumbs


I am fortunate to have married one of the most patient men on earth. I honestly do not think anyone else, besides my children and dog, whom all rely on me for food, could stand to live with me. I have a plethora of unique quirks and habits.  Too many to list, and as many know, I’m a good lister. (Lister should be a word.)

Prepare for digression.

Today I almost wrote on death terror (always on my mind), then moved onto the funny things about aging, and then landed on exploring raw food diets. My heart palpitations started up with the thought of switching to a raw food diet. I’ve tried the diet before. Moving from vegetarian to vegan (no cheese, no eggs) lasted four days. Trying to go from vegetarian to raw-food-vegan lasted about the time I take to walk to the fridge, open the fridge, and devour a slice of veggie-combo pizza.

I sure would like to rid myself of aches and pains, have more energy, and look like I’m 50, when I’m 70, but I’m thinking the heart attack and situational depression from the removal of Italian food from my life and stomach, would certainly kill me. I’m all for people finding something that works for them, be it diet, exercise, love, or faith, as long as the solution doesn’t harm another. Me, going raw vegan, would harm all the people who loved me. The radical mood shifts alone would cause mass destruction.

Which leads me back to my marriage. I am a moody gal. And the fact that my husband sticks around is a miracle. I got over myself, and my ego, in relation to my place in our marriage, about ten years ago, when for the hundredth time, I heard, from yet another woman: “You are so lucky to have a man like Bob.”

Gag! No one ever once, not once, not anyone from school functions, the workplace, the family gatherings, friendly circles, not one person ever said: “Bob, you are so lucky to have a woman like Sam.” (Insert my real name there; for all you logical souls concluding: Well, of course not. Her name isn’t really Sam.)

Not a one! I’m not chopped liver. And my brain is keen. So it’s got to be that whole “high maintenance” attribute I’ve got going on.

Poor, poor Bob. If you believe in the Buddha’s way of a person coming back in a life position based on previous karmic dealings, then I certainly wonder about my husband. For him to end up being my breadwinner, dishwasher, back and neck massager, psychologist, best friend, and emotional punching bag, I figure he must have done me mighty wrong in a past life!

Which logically means I have an obligation to even out the karmic relationship, I suppose. Speaking of such, accordingly, I must have done a whole lot of people wrong in my previous incarnations. Although when I was much younger, I had that whole “pretty girl” thing going on. So I must have done something right eons ago.

I think the biggest karmic wrong doing I ever did in this life was the time I stole the yellow spelling book, with the illustrated cat on the cover, from a girl in pigtails named Alice. She was a straw-haired blonde girl in second grade that sat two seats up in front of me, and she always, I mean always, got the right answers. While I was in the back hooting and hollering to be called on, Alice glided up a smooth arm and remained calm. One day, I couldn’t stand Alice anymore, and I did a terrible, terrible thing. I took her spelling book when no one was about, and hid the book in the back of the room. When Alice’s turn came, she couldn’t answer, and I could. Only, the plan backfired, because we spent the next twenty-minutes calming Alice down and searching relentlessly for her book. Well, everyone but me. Worst part of the whole spelling book fiasco, is that I still feel guilty. I remember thinking right then and there, in the company of a bunch of eight year olds, that I’d never ever purposely do wrong by anyone ever again. And I’ve tried my best to uphold that rule. Though I still fear I’ll be coming back as Alice’s gerbil in another life.

I can go on and make excuses about my home life at that time, but I’m not going there. I’m sorry, Alice, wherever you are! Please keep my cage clean!

Karma is a funny thing. What goes around comes around, so they say. But it seems to me the clueless people always get a better life, at least this time around, and the smart folks end up with all the misery. Which makes me wonder if I want to have brains in my next life.

This post was supposed to be about the high-tolerance level and total awesomeness of my husband. But somehow ended up being about gerbils. This is what Bob has to live with. If you are religious, you may want to stop and say a silent prayer for Bob.

click to see where image was found

Just to make sure I don’t have to be anyone’s gerbil, here is a list of I’m sorry:

  1. I’m sorry to that lady on the phone, whom I said this to: “Well, as long as you are more accepting of children with special needs. The last music instructor had zero tolerance of my son and her classes were boring.” Turns out I accidentally dialed the instructor I was speaking about.
  2. I’m sorry to T for lecturing you on my thoughts on God after I’d had one to many caffeinated beverages.
  3. I’m sorry to Mom for having a blog where I discussed everything horrible I thought you ever did to me.
  4. I’m sorry to my mother-in-law. You were right, when you stood up at the rehearsal dinner and announced loudly: “Are you sure you want to marry her?” But I think karmic wise we are more than even.
  5. I’m sorry to the university professor that I wrote about more than once, and called a “dumbass” to the world. (I’m sorry for the ass part.)
  6. I’m sorry to that Swan chick because I posted a big sign on my blog that directed readers to your website, because you were stealing my stories.
  7. I’m sorry to all the people who signed up to follow my posts, because you honestly had no idea what you were getting yourself into.
  8. I’m sorry to all the perfect-looking, skinny women at the gym that I stick my tongue out at, and for the teasing about your flat chests.
  9. I’m sorry to the drivers I yell at when I say: “Come on! Can you go any slower?”
  10. I’m sorry to my husband Bob for making you fetch me cleaner drinking glasses, for kicking you when you snore, for singing Daddy can’t rhyme, for saying, “You smell,” for asking, “What’s on your face. Can you die from that?”, for telling you more than once: It looks like your gaining weight, for making you move seats five times in the movie theater, for freaking out over the smell of taco meat, for screaming frantically over your driving, for calling you ten times in a row over the possibility of my heart exploding, for making you edit my writing and then critiquing your editing skills, for calling you various names based on the time of the month and the planetary positions, and for all the annoying things I do and say.

Okay. That just about covers me karmic wise until tomorrow.

Side note:  More evidence that Bob is a saint. I couldn’t fall asleep last night, so I made up stupid jokes in my head. Then I got out of bed, went into the bathroom, where my husband was, and told Bob the jokes. He told me I really needed to get some sleep.

Jokes:

Why did the Blue Jay cross the road? Because he was a jay-walker.

What did Jesus say when he looked in the toilet? Holy crap.

What do you call a slutty alcoholic living on the streets? A wine-hoe

I apologize to any jay-walking, Jesus-loving, homeless people. No offense intended.


A nice example of a clean Gerbil Cage

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38 thoughts on “Day 68: Karmic Crumbs

  1. “Trying to go from vegetarian to raw-food-vegan lasted about the time I take to walk to the fridge, open the fridge, and devour a slice of veggie-combo pizza.”

    Okay, this is why they made up the “ROFL” acronym. You are sooo hilarious–the perfect read for my tired befuddled head! 🙂

    1. I loved that line, too. Glad you did! I hope your head is less befuddled and tired. Oh, by the way, I know that you aren’t drawing the pictures and making collages. I still think you have great talent in the collage making! I love looking at them. And they radiate with powerful energy. Just saying. 😉 Sam

  2. A fine tribute to one heck of man, from one heck of a wife! 😉 It’s a beautiful thing you got goin’ on! 🙂

  3. you have taught me so much through your stories, and although they aren’t the same, i somehow feel connected to you as i care for my brother who is mentally challenged. he also has heart problems, parkinsons and dementia. thank you so much for sharing. you do wonderful work

    1. Terry~ I am thankful that you feel connected. Your brother sounds like a special gift. He is so fortunate to have you as his guardian. I am glad that I can help in some small way. 🙂 Take care, Sam

  4. “6. I’m sorry to that Swan chick because I posted a big sign on my blog that directed readers to your website, because you were stealing my stories.”

    I totally want her site address!! I’d love to read your stuff again!!

    Awesome blog!

  5. You are so funny! Poor old Alice. Did she find the book or just spend 20 minutes looking? A gerbil’s life might not be all that bad. Someone to clean up after you, give you foodl, wait on you.
    Oh who am I kidding?! That would be terrible! I’m sorry too! 😉

    1. “A gerbil’s life might not be all that bad.” lol! 🙂
      Alice found her book, I made sure of it, in a secret way. I snuck it back into her desk at recess time. Which unfortunately made her look rather foolish! It’s a Gerbil’s life for me.

      You are always so smart in your comments; asking questions to get more answers!
      I wonder what you do for a career. hee hee
      Thanks for the comment. ~ Sam

  6. LOL!!!! This is great!!! Do we get to pick who we can be in our next life??? If so, I’ll start to think on this now and come to a decision!

    Thanks for the giggle tonight, I needed it!

  7. LOL! I needed this tonight! Now, do we get to pick who or what we want to come back as in our next life??? If so, I am going to develop a list now and think on it! Thanks for the giggle!

  8. Oh Man Sam ( I now know your real name he he ) both of us are going to come back next life and getting married to people just like we are now in this one…..I am so like you… Gawd!!!!
    I so get you that its clear why we met. as for our husbands..I have a perfect explanation..they sinned in their last life and are now being punished in this one….its not our fault …
    other day i wanted to share all the funny things i read on all the blogs to my husband at around 1 am…and he told me to get some sleep..can you believe it!!

    1. So glad to hear you are like me! Such a relief. When our husbands pass on, we can live in the old lady crazy house together! You are so funny! Yes, they sinned and are being punished. It is not OUR faults one bit. He doesn’t want to listen to you at 1:00 a.m.? What is wrong with him? Doesn’t he know what he signed up for? lol Great comment Soma, as always. Hugs Sam 😉

  9. I dallied with a paleolithic diet last week. Well I say dallied, i stumbled upon a site about it, read it, thought, oooh!, (You have to go up in the middle of that ooooh, like people do when they have heard gossip (gak!)) I realised I could not eat chocolate as the paleolithians hadn’t got their sorry brains in gear to invent it yet. I then gave up.

    Sam-based giggles first thing in the morning along with rocky road shortbread for breakfast. Who can ask for more?

    1. What is a paleolithic diet? Sounds very interesting, like from another planet! No chocolate! Most likely alien. I love “Sam-based” giggles. lol That’s cute. Your humor is fantastic. Rocky Road shortbread! Yum. Too funny. 😉 Sam

  10. From your blog I realise that I am a man much like Bob and can identify with him.

    What you don’t seem to understand is why we choose someone like you! It is because life is never dull and boring; no, life is Exciting! with new challenges and opportunities everyday!

    Finding someone like you is a blessing and an opportunity to do something wonderful – to live with you!

  11. Oh, you have done it now! I just watched “Nice Guys”. I have a post I have put off doing, but now, I have to!!! just have to! So, consider it your fault that people will have to put up with me doing a second post today! 🙂
    Scott

    1. Okay. I’ll take the credit for your second post! I loved the nice guy video. I think I dated enough men to represent each and everyone of those goobs on the youtube. It made me and my hubby laugh. Glad you enjoyed.

  12. ~Sam~
    I got to here and then I was giggling that much I couldn’t keep reading.
    “For him to end up being my breadwinner, dishwasher, back and neck massager, psychologist, best friend, and emotional punching bag, I figure he must have done me mighty wrong in a past life!”
    You seriously crack me up….this is so me and Mr Locoman.
    I knew there was a reason we get on. hehehe
    I’ll be back to read more later…my brain stopped working and dyslexia kicked in when I burst out laughing, I mean like really loud laughing and silly giggles.
    Love you loads. xxx 🙂

      1. Hey lovely, I only read to that bit so I hope the rest of the post is positive.
        I’m laughing at how alike we are, people say the same thing to me too.
        I’m so very lucky to have a guy like Mr Locoman……… insert real name.
        I’ll be back….yep said in my Terminator voice. Love you. xxx 🙂

  13. OMG! OMG! Bob and my husband David should get together. Poor David has endured quite a bit of what you have listed here.

    LOL! I make up jokes all the time…now I keep them to myself, but it is a running joke around here “There mommy goes again laughing at the computer (herself, the bathroom, her cup, the cat, the window, the car, the body lotion, her shoes, her rocks, her camera, etc…) again.” It’s my own jokes! Ha ha ha David knows this the kids don’t, not yet.

    Hey I like my flat chest I don’t have any back problems, and if it didn’t bother me so much I would never wear a bra. However, I don’t want to sport any type of partial nakedness even semi-clothed. I do not like people knowing when I am cold!

    I could never be a vegan, I was a an angry, dizzy, lethargic vegetarian for about four weeks. For some reason my body attacks itself if I do not have equal parts of veggies, starches, and proteins. However, I get sick if I eat soy, beans make my body retaliate in an evil way, and I can barely stand the smell of nuts. My options are limited.

    This post had me laughing so hard! Gerbil! Ha ha ha I had a black gerbil, I loved her so much, but she got loose in our house. After I found her, my mom made me get rid of her because she is terrified of any “rodent type” creature. She had a sweet cage.

    1. You really should open up and share more about yourself! lol Thanks for the great laughs. I had to find something to critique with those perfect bodies at the gym. I could do with less back ache. Loved reading more about you, your husband, your “jokes,” and your life. Bubbles of light ~ Sam 🙂

  14. Ha ha! This post made me LOL in so many places.

    If I had to pick the line that made me laugh the hardest, it is perhaps this one:
    No one ever once, not once, not anyone from school functions, the workplace, the family gatherings, friendly circles, not one person ever said: “Bob, you are so lucky to have a woman like Sam.”

  15. LOLOLOL…this is too funny! but first off…i must congratulate you for having a hubby like Bob (not sure whether i should say…congratulations Bob! for being a good sport…L O L) #’s 5 and 8…OMG…soooo funny!!!! ha ha ha…i love this one, Sam…i really do…nice read after that ‘ghostly’ story earlier…glad i read that one first before this…(still giggling:)) love the jokes at the end! 🙂

    1. Oh, good. Glad you got to read Karmic Crumbs after Until The Rain Came. I’m just glad I didn’t accidentally post the ghost story on Easter. I read your comment to Bob! Thanks! You are always so kind and sweet with your comments. So much supportive and positive energy. Hugs 🙂 Sam (I don’t have spell check on my laptop, yet. So I hope there aren’t too many errors!)

  16. I’m not privy to what you said in this post (I’ll admit it, my mom only lets me read the dog blogs. She apparently gets to read all the really good blogs.), but you have my mom laughing out loud and that is always a good thing! Thanks for the great start to our day!

    1. LOL It took me a moment to figure out Griff was leaving the message. Hi Griff! Tell your mom that my blog is fairly PG-rated! You are such a good typer, Griff. Glad you came by and I was able to provide a laugh. 🙂 ~ Sam

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