299: The New Day

I’ve decided
I’ve decided that you deserve more
More than what I am offering
With my clinging and self-doubt
You are not the key to my self-worth
So I shall work on being less dependent
On you
I am ready to pull away some
I think
I want our friendship to be nurturing
And I am tired of being so needy
I understand what is happening
I am self-harming
Through you
I build you up into someone you are not
So you can disappointment
Or rather
So I can think you are disappointing
For then I experience a rawness inside
A Terrible Ache
That reaches into the heart of me
It is only then
With the coming ache
That I feel alive
Without this intense angst
I feel numb
For no one can fill my depths
With the love I need
And thusly I am left hollow
And alone
In desperation and with desire
I grasp on to Love’s cousin
Pain
And pour him into me
I use
My addictive substance
Over and over
To exist
Because I feel alien
In this world
In both form and experience
I have been using
Using you
To feel real
Using
To wake up
My sleeping soul
I am sorry
For clinging
For aching
For suffering
Through you
But I still choose you
I choose you again and again
Only this time
You are chosen
For your beauty alone
For your light that shines through
The darkness in me
And opens my eyes
To the new day of us

~ Samantha Craft, January 2013

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13 thoughts on “299: The New Day

  1. I truly wish that the wonderful insights that my woefully confused mind sometimes lights upon would endure more than a few hours or a few days before disappearing into the abyss. Today I woke up encouraged, delighted, filled well being. Sadly, I know this will pass. I do not want to “be” asperger’s. I do not want asperger’s to be me, my lot in life, the controlling factor of who I am. Today my husband asked if I would go out and pick up something for him. I had to talk to myself, tell myself I could go out, I could do this. I did it. I was fine. The misfiring in my brain has robbed me of so much life, the constant meltdowns, the constant anxiety, the fear of people touching me, noise, florescent lights, change, constant worrying mind , on and on….I have a sign on my mirror…it simply says “I CAN” and most of the time I have to fight for that “I CAN”, but darn it, I CAN and I will. I have lived with this for 64 years. Tough, difficult years, but I have fought to live, to survive and I will not give up now. I also live with life long depression (I take SAM-E which helps alot). Asspie’s were just weirdo bad kids when I grew up. Now I know the reason’s why I am who I am, but I also refuse to let it define who I am. So you can see today I feel good, am agressively optimistic….until tomorrow….

    1. Man, do I hear you loud and clear. Could have written this account my self. It is a struggle day in and day out, and today was a tougher day for me. Your words really helped me… even brought to me a little release through tears. I am sorry you have to struggle. I know the experience very well. huge hugs. Are you in our support group? (link to left)

  2. What a beautiful account of something reproachable. Do you often wonder how it is possible to understand something so profoundly, yet feel limited in capacity to affect said thing? I hope and pray this New Day lasts forever for you. For me, my new day is in constant battle with my yesterday!

    1. OH, that was just what I was thinking! ot understand something so profoundly, yet feel limited in capacity to affect said thing… YEP! YEP! YEP! It’s so frustrating… better to be stupid about somethings, I feel. Thank you for your comment. 🙂 Sam

  3. I used to have 90 percent bad times versus 10 percent good times. That was my existence. Since I quit my job, and have been teaching myself computer stuff, I feel a new sense of empowerment. I’ve been able to reach out to you, and another fine blogger, and made to feel welcome, (Which makes a huge difference!) I thought my life would fall apart if I didn’t have my income, but my Husband is managing to show me we can do this step in my mental health. I really feel real and actual hope nowdays having found friends on the internet. Thank you for being there, and who you are is perfect for so many people. My percenteges are tipping for now, in the direction of happiness. I wonder if it will last! Oh I do hope so.

    1. now I know who that other fine blogger is :))) You are most welcome. I am so happy in my heart to here this. Feel free to private message me on facebook and chat, when you want to. I love the percentage tipping… can visualize that completely. Yes… it shall last… I wish it so!!!! hugs to you friend ~ Sam

  4. Absolutely beautiful, Dear Sam.
    You have hit that nail on the head exactly.
    I resonated with a lot of that (some of it, unfortunately).
    I am going to add it to my “Intriguing Posts I have Found” and pass it on to my FaceBook.
    Scott

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