300: Aspergers: The Stuff That Ain’t Working

1. Exposure Therapy:

For years and years I thought if I just socialized more, if I just connected more, and tried harder to be like everyone else, my endurance level for social gatherings would improve and my anxiety levels would decrease. I believed that through repeated exposure that things would get better. That hasn’t happened.

I don’t have a fear and/or phobia to any one thing or event; therefore there is nothing I can focus on overcoming or having less fear about. My anxiety isn’t caused by anything I can pinpoint. My anxiety is caused by the way I process the stimuli in my environment and the way I respond to my surroundings. I am hyper-aware and my senses are turned up to the highest degree. I am also, despite self-training and studies, unsure of how to act in a social gathering, (e.g, how much to share, when to share, when to stop, when to respond, how to stand, how to look, when to be less honest, etc.); and as a result of my uncertainty, I have a constant inner voice reminding me of how to be. A voice that also self-corrects continually.

I need and long for structure and routine. My fear can be reduced if the same events happen in a similar way. However, inevitably changes occur. To say I will get better with practice or exposure is not an accurate statement. First of all, I am not wrong or in need of improvement. I am uniquely wired. One would not tell a person with a visual impairment that if she kept staring at a picture on the wall the image would become clearer, and one would not tell a person with a hearing impairment to repeatedly listen to a song on high-volume to improve his or her hearing. In the same line of thinking, one cannot tell me to continue going outside of my comfort-zone, to eventually gain a sense of security. I do not have the physical capacity. This is not biologically possible for me.

2. Positive Self-Talk/Cognitive Therapy:

While Aspergers can, and often does, have the comorbid conditions of generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and depression, Aspergers is not the sum of its parts. A person cannot be treated for the comorbid conditions and then grow out of Aspergers. If anyone says they outgrew Aspergers or cured themselves, I don’t believe they had ASD to begin with. Unless they’ve feasibly learned how to reprogram their brain.

I do not think there is a way to change my brain. And as hard as my life can be at times, I don’t like the idea of my brain changing. Aspergers is not a mental illness. The “disorder” of Aspergers is believed to occur in the frontal lobe of the brain. Why and how the condition develops is still largely unknown. Though there seems to be a large genetic factor.

While positive self-talk has many benefits and can decrease episodes of anxiety and depression, and perhaps even diminish some OCD tendencies, it does little to help with the condition of Aspergers itself. No matter how much self-talk I give myself, I still respond in a fight or flight response pattern, when I am in a public place or at a public gathering. I do not want to feel this way, and do not choose to feel this way, but this is the way I feel.

Self-talk and cognitive behavior techniques can sometimes do me more harm than good. When I am panicking, no matter how many times I incorporate positive self-talk or implement cognitive behavioral techniques, (e.g., replace negative belief that is a falsehood with a true reality-based belief), my body continues to respond as if I am in danger. When I do in fact implement the self-talk, in an attempt to do the “right” thing or to “fix” myself, I then feel guilty when the technique does not work. I then question why I was not capable of applying such a simple concept to my own way of thinking.

No amount of practice, hard work, or scouring through books has increased the effectiveness of cognitive-based therapy techniques for me. And the more I use them, and fail, the more I feel as if I am wired in a way that is wrong.

What does help me is letting go and realizing that the panic is something I have to go through, and realizing that when I am on the other side I will be okay. And that there is nothing wrong with what I am doing or going through. It is just the way I am. So in a way I am using positive talk, but not in the traditional sense. I am not finding a false statement or belief that needs change and fixing it. Instead I am self-soothing and reminding myself I will be okay regardless of how I feel at the moment.

I use my thoughts as more of a security blanket. The best thing for me to do in times of anxiety is not to retrain my brain to talk better to me, but to retrain me to treat my brain better. The key being letting go and acceptance.

3. Thinking if I am more self-aware I will be able to control my thoughts and/or anxiety:

I can’t control myself sometimes. I thought if I read enough and studied enough that I could reprogram who I am at a core level. To a degree, spiritually and perhaps energetically, and maybe even genetically, I might be able to alter myself, depending on what doctrine I deem to hold some semblance of truth, but overall I cannot change this elemental core of Aspergers; and if I feasibly can, the answer repeatedly stealthily eludes me.

I have tried every way imaginable to knock some sense into me when I go into a mode of shutdown, and there is nothing I can do, beyond pushing through the uncomfortable emotions.

When my anxiety is high, I become immobile. I cannot do simple tasks. I become extremely fatigued and unable to think in a linear fashion. I become trapped in a cycle or loop of thought. I can step back and see myself doing this. And the odd part is, I know what tools to implement that should supposedly pull myself out, but I also know they won’t work on me. I have tried. Nothing works to stop the anxiety when it is in full swing. It is like I have to go through the tunnel of darkness to come out cleansed and regenerated at the other end.

Days filled with too much sensory overload lead to days of shutdown. During this time life seems bleak and not worth living; however, it does not feel hopeless. I feel fed up more than anything, and exhausted by thought and life. My good hours are usually from when I wake up until mid-day. By mid-afternoon, I often become overwhelmed. This is when I can do little more than sit on the couch. I cannot listen to someone talk for long. It is like I am a computer and all my memory has been filled up. There is no more room left for input.

I have thought to scribe a list to remind myself during the high-anxiety, shut down times of what I need to do to feel better. However, when I am in shutdown, I know that no list of any sort will help. It doesn’t matter that I know why I am overwhelmed and exhausted. My brain is in lockdown. I am protecting myself from short circuiting. The last thing I need is logic or steps to follow. This cognitive reasoning only leads me into further shutdown and retreat, further bombarded by the outside. The only method that works for me is releasing control and letting myself go through the emotional process. If I do not let myself retreat, I will likely have a meltdown, in where I shout and cry. I need time to decompress and be alone. Time to process and discard of my abundance of emotions and thoughts.

4. Thinking that by knowing I have Aspergers I will be more likely able to change myself.:

With self-recognition of Aspergers my behaviors have shifted, but I haven’t changed. Before I didn’t understand my emotions. Before a major event, like a party at our house, when I didn’t know I had Aspergers, I would get extremely controlling and high-strung. I would order my husband around and start arguments. I would create chaos so I could release the tremendous fear building up inside of me. I didn’t know the fear was from thoughts of the upcoming events. My husband would often ask me why I was so angry and touchy before a party. I didn’t know. I thought I was a controlling person and needed everything to go my way to be happy. The problem was I knew innately I didn’t want to be a controlling person and I was never happy, regardless.

It wasn’t until I realized I had Aspergers that my behavior changed. Now, before an event, I no longer subconsciously create drama so I can release emotion. I didn’t consciously decide to change this; the change happened naturally with the discovery of my Aspergers. Now, I am hyper-aware of why I am upset. I recognize my emotions in detail and the triggers that set me into a state of anxiety. It might seem that knowing myself more would make the anxiety level decrease, but actually the anxiety is more intensified, because I am no longer subconsciously utilizing displacement. I am not displacing my own dread about an event into another event. I am not using or finding a scapegoat. I am not creating drama in order to diffuse my own tension. Instead tension keeps building and I have no way to release it.

Now that I am more aware of my own behavior and emotions, and the triggers, I do much more stimming, e.g., I flick my nails, flap my hands, clear my throat, click my teeth, and so forth. I also have anxiety dreams related to a planned event. And the day of the event, I have extreme fluctuations of emotions, and sometimes physical symptoms such as hives and/or stomach aches. I am now taking in the full of the experience and my body is responding. I don’t know if this is better or worse than the displacement. What is also happening is instead of “freaking out” before an event, I am often “freaking out” after the event. I feel very much like a child who holds herself together for the better part of the day, only to go home and have a meltdown.

I have found, to date, the best way to handle my anxiety is to not turn it into the enemy, or something to be eradicated and ejected, but something to be accepted. The more I fight the anxiety, the worse I feel, for there isn’t any avenue that saves me or leads to rescue. I have to go through the discomfort in order to feel relief. The process is similar to a minor panic attack or adrenaline rush, but it passes, and the more accepting I am of the process the quicker it passes. I’ve noticed the same with my dog’s epileptic seizures. They used to last up to twenty-minutes; now when they begin I hold her and release my own fear. I accept she will go through the seizure and be okay. I send this feeling of acceptance to her, and do not fight her seizures. I then let her go, or hold her less closely, and ignore her in a compassionate way, as if telling her: This is not a big deal. Don’t give it power, and it will pass. Since incorporating this method, my dog’s seizures have decreased drastically in length, generally only five minutes, and sometimes less than a minute. My own anxiety is like a my dog’s seizure; if I just let go and trust it will be okay, it passes much quicker.

5. Believing that by making plans I will feel more structured and therefore I will experience less anxiety:

Sometimes lists help me; especially if there are no deadlines on the list. I like to make lists of chores or errands, and to cross out items as they are accomplished. I also like to rewrite new lists and to see how much the to-do items have diminished. Lists are my friends. Appointments on the calendar are not my friends.

I remember my father would always tell me a similar thing. I would ask him if we could get together on such-and-such day, and he would typically respond that he couldn’t tell me yet, and that deciding at that moment didn’t feel comfortable to him. He did better with last-minute plans. I didn’t understand at the time why my father acted this way. I felt cheated out of his life and not important enough to plan for. But today I understand my father more. He didn’t want to make plans because he didn’t want the stress of worrying about an upcoming event. I am the same way. I have been my whole life.

To me, the best days are days nothing is on the calendar. Even one appointment or obligation can make me anxious for hours beforehand, sometimes even days beforehand. The thought of having to pick up my son up from school each afternoon causes me stress. I leave at a set time daily, and the trip is short, easy, and non-eventful, but the stress does not dissipate.

Usually two hours before a scheduled event, I start to become very preoccupied with the time and the steps I will have to take to leave the house. Simple tasks, like showering or getting dressed, feel overwhelming. I can spend several minutes, processing and reprocessing the pros and cons of showering. I can create in my mind a half-dozen scenarios of what sequence I should follow in preparation for my departure. Even before I’ve started the process of getting ready, I am often mentally exhausted.

When I see an event on the calendar, I have a small panicky feeling inside, as I realize that soon in preparation for an event, I will experience something similar to post-traumatic-stress-syndrome.

This seems contradictory in nature to me: the fact that I do well knowing what to expect and with routine but at the same time I dread plans on the calendar. I look forward to well-structured days indoors at home. However, the repeated isolation and lack of adult company can lead to depression and feelings of isolation, loneliness, and inadequacy.

There is a continual pendulum of want inside of me. On one side there is the longing for company and stimulation outside the home, on the other side there is the longing to hibernate and not have to experience the anxiety involved in going out. This pendulum moves back and forth. If I am not careful, I can self-punish myself by wishing I was different and more normal. I am in a constant state of fluctuation, never centered, and always wanting.

6. Believing if I can just let go of Aspergers and get on with my life, I’ll be fine.

I joke with myself sometimes. I think if I write enough and share enough, I will process the Aspergers right out of me. Some silly part of me believes I’ll wake up and be cured of Aspergers, and if not cured, so much better able to function. The truth is I don’t need to be cured. I am not sick, or ill, or broken. I have been born with a brain that is different from the general population. If society was different, I would be responding differently. But society isn’t different.

I have tried over and over to change myself, to try to fit in, and to try to function, but the more I try, the more I find myself battling the same resistance. What I have found that works is contact with other people who understand me. I feel safe with most people with Aspergers, and to a degree safe with people who would classify themselves as a bit “quirky” or “shy.” I fit nicely with the odd balls and misfits.

I don’t need to let go of Aspergers, I need to let go of isolation and thinking there is something wrong with me to begin with. The more lovely souls I meet with brains wired like mine, the more I learn to appreciate my uniqueness and beauty, and the more I recognize the depth of my own intelligence and empathy.

I was created differently, but different is not wrong, and need not be terrible. With the right balance of release and acceptance, and with the right connection with like-souls, I am learning to navigate myself in this world. Where I used to believe I was dropped down on the wrong planet, I now believe that I am right where I am supposed to be.

74 thoughts on “300: Aspergers: The Stuff That Ain’t Working

  1. There are so many ‘differently wired’ souls out here, and we all need space to just be, to hang out, to support each other and to let each other know that it’s fine to be ourselves. Isolation is too high a price to pay. Another beautiful post, Sam! xx

    1. Love how you see and word things. And love your blog; it’s one of my favorite places to visit. I am sorry I haven’t been as of late… I overdosed on blog reading and am just now thinking about getting my feet wet again. Thank you for your time and thoughtfulness and beauty that shines without judgment. xo Sam

  2. Thanks for sharing this, even though it’s a little negative, because it’s REAL. I also feel discouraged that things have not changed despite my knowledge and attempts at controlling or changing my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Sometimes I just get so tired of “trying” all the time. (((hugs))) for expressing it so well.

    1. The key for me, I am learning, is to stop trying and to let go. It is very hard, and some days much harder than others. Also a major key is community. Feel free to join our facebook page if you haven’t already. 🙂

  3. Thank you for such a well-written explanation of how and why certain interventions may or may not work depending on our internal wiring. I admire your ability to express your internal and external experiences so precisely.

  4. This was quite an affirming read for me, Sam. I feel EXACTLY the same. I am low on spoons today, but this boosted me. I have worked so hard to “overcome” my anxiety, and so has my Dad. I don’t have any answers, or even suggestions. Seeing my thoughts and feeling reflected so aptly does have an impact. I feel more “normal.”

    I appreciate you writing posts I can always relate to!


    1. Hello Dear Lori, I will say to you what I mentioned above to another special one, I have been missing your blog, but I over-did blog reading months ago, and am trying to find a rebalance. It’s always such a pleasure to see you here and to read about your experience. “low on spoons” that is a great saying… one I can relate to. Thank you for making me feel less alone and understood. xo Sam

      1. I understand you so well. I can read something non-stop and write and carry on, then, whoosh, it’s time for a break, or a new obsession. I like checking in. I have to pinch myself that I am friends with such a talented person.


  5. I read all of it, aren’t I good…hehe.
    Hey, how many times do I have to tell you to stop getting in my head and writing out my thoughts. Well at least you can make sense for me, I haven’t got a clue half the time. Bloody brilliant post, love it. 🙂
    You are so good at finding words to explain this. I’m so glad we met and are friends.
    Love you too much Basna. xoxoxo HUGSsss

  6. Great post. I’m learning as I go and you are right….. so many things that we think/hope will work just don’t. Acceptance and awareness, for me at least, are still the best ways of coping that I know of. Though I really like your idea of turning anxiety into a friend, instead of making it an enemy…… I think I’ll work on that one. Thank you as always for sharing your journey.

  7. Thanks again for enlightening and teaching me about aspergers. I am grateful for the energy and time you put into this blog/posts.

  8. A thought-provoking and interesting post. I found it interesting that the realisation that you have Asperger’s has affected how you view things and cope with them. I know that, personally, the fact that I probably have Asperger’s has really helped things to make sense, made me realise why I do things the way I do or get het up about seemingly insignificant things, and encouraged me to be more rational about stuff. I often wonder what the differences would have been if us Aspies had been diagnosed in our youth, saving years of anxiety and wondering why we find ‘normal’ things so confusing and difficult, and perhaps preventing some of the less ‘acceptable’ coping strategies (such as shouting at your husband 🙂 ). I think the key words that I have taken from your post are acceptance, understanding, appreciate, recognise, and awareness.

    1. make sense and be more rational! Yes, yes, yes! I think not knowing I was aspie until recently made me experience a lot of pain, that made me more empathetic to others…I like to think this empathy helps me to connect with others today. As painful as it was, I am at peace with who I am now. The Key words…. you are exactly right. Great insight and thank you for your time; 🙂

  9. Someday “our people” will come for us. Be patient and look to the stars…

    You are YOU. Be yourself. You are not supposed to be anyone but you. Don’t listen to anyone that expects you to become anyone else. The world is a loud place chock full of stimuli. Everyday has it’s unique challenges.
    Don’t worry so much.( I know, easier said than done) Listen to your heart. There is a reason for everything! {{{HUGS}}}

  10. Such a great post. It feels like you and I are going through some similar things in our heads. Your post was extactly what I needed to read today. I deal with and see things very much like you. I feel like I am ok with being me and that is it ok that my brain functions differently than others. I am me and woudn’t change it, I am just learning how to help myself make it through each day and do my best to communicate to others when I am feeling overwhelmed. I love reading your posts. You really do express yourself very well and you make me feel like it is ok to be an Asperger’s lady. 🙂

    1. I try to listen to my inner voice (angels, guides) and write what I am called to write. I try to release the fear of what it will be and what people might say about it. So thank you for validating that this was something you needed to hear. That means a lot to me. I am still trying and learning how to make it through each day… trust me. And comments like yours help a lot. 🙂 love ~ Sam

  11. Thank you for taking the time to put in writing, all these thoughts, if I can relate EXACTLY to every one, then there are many many others out there the same, has to be! My husband discovered my Aspergers in me, and he is my buddy. He is much more understanding of me, and gentle with me, largely due to reading your post about ‘Aspergers in women’. He trys to help me when I’m in melt down mode, and it’s good.I have a note to myself by the bed, that starts,..”You have felt this way before…” and I list my horrible feelings and thoughts from these meltdowns. I don’t so much try to quit being like I am, cause it’s gonna happen over and over, I use the note to remind myself that these are a symptom of my own thinking, and not something I did wrong. Again, thank you Sam!!

    1. Love your list idea… and the way your husband supports you. 🙂 I so appreciate getting to know you through your comments. I am understanding that this is just how I am, and releasing is really my only option… about this and everything in life…. at times I can be so darn stubborn, though. 🙂 love and light to you xo Sam

    1. I am so sorry you feel broken. Reminds me of the Rudolph movie with the island of misfit toys who eventually received the love and attention they needed and deserved. Big hugs to you. If you are not already in our support group on facebook, please know it is available; if you are, apologies, I can’t keep all the blog names and facebook names in my short term memory suitcase. Blessings. Sam

    1. thank you for your kind words. Aspergers is still relatively knew in the field of mental health in regard to understanding and treatment options, especially with females. Hopefully a shift will occur as more awareness is raised. Thanks much for taking the time to write. 🙂

  12. I just found your blog and am so glad that I did! My 16 year-old daughter was diagnosed with Asperger’s when she was 12. I’ve always said she is so misunderstood and when I read your descriptions of how you feel, it reminds me of my daughter. I’m the editor of Annals of Psychotherapy & Integrative Health and our next issue is focusing on Asperger’s and Autism. I’m so glad that I can have a voice in helping to educate the public. Thank you so much for your blog; I’m going give the link to my daughter – I think she will really benefit from your thoughts and experiences. I want to go through and read each and every posting! Blessings to you!

    1. Cheering! Yay! hip-hip-hooray! That makes my heart very, very happy; thanks for taking the time to comment and for the kudos. Keep me a post, if you can. 🙂 Best wishes to you and your daughter.

  13. Thank you, Sam, for your honesty and straight-forward approach to everything. I realized something when reading this: namely, that you write some things that make me a bit uncomfortable because I have great difficulty writing something similar about myself. I have a filter (less of one now, but still there) that keeps me from sharing my entire life as I worry what would others think? As much as you say on here that you worry what others think, you don’t write that way. You are open and honest and right up front with people about your life, your brain, and the ways you approach things. I am thankful to you because I am learning from you. My posts, at times, take on a much more open, honest approach that kinda says, “I don’t care what you think about me.” I seek to do this even more and am working on that. While Asperger’s is seen as troublesome and a disorder, I can, honestly, say that you have brought it out as just the way someone else thinks and acts. You don’t hurt others; you are not a danger to yourself; you just are.
    Love and hugs,

  14. Once again Sam- you hit the hammer on the head ( is that the right saying- I get those mixed a lot!) Anyway, You took the words right out of my frontal lobe…lol:)
    Seriously though, I did not know whether to laugh or cry or sit in silence for awhile and feel…well just feel…because I get the sitting on the couch by afternoon, and melting down AFTER people leave, and wanting company and feeling isolated but as soon as I go out – wanting to never leave the house again! sigh. Sometimes it seems so hard…Doesn’t it. Sometimes, I just long to be NT. I know I have gifts and most days I prefer to be the Aspie me…but I wish…No, you know what I really want?! For society to change and be less NT or at least less celebratory and expecting for that to be “normal”. That’s what I want.
    I sent this post to my therapist (with full credit and link of course) because I think he will like it and it may come in handy for those he helps so much.
    Thanks again Sam. I will be finding and reading this post again to my hubby when he gets home!

    1. 🙂 What a wonderful, wonderful comment. Yes, I can see clearly you do “get” what I am saying. I understand that wanting to be more “normal” and at the same time wanting others to be less “normal” or to just get me. I hope these words do help others. That is my intention and reason for writing, and sometimes only reason for making it through the day. Though my children keep me going, too. Bless their hearts. Much love to you, and thank you for taking the time to comment.

  15. I found cognitive behaviour therapy combined with medication to be my saviour. Like everything we do change takes longer and is hard. Learning the 10 negative thoughts ( black and white thinking, catastrophising ect ) really calms me . I’m suffering anxiety because I am predicting the future for example. I believe there are two types of aspies those who say this is what I am get over it I’m not changing and those who go this is what I am I want to learn and be more. No matter how much we want society to change it doesn’t , so if we want integration we learn to adapt.

    1. Yes aspects of all of therapy helped me, but weren’t the solutions. Glad they work for you. :)))) I think there a lot more than two types of aspies…. each person unique, and ever-changing, one wanting to adapt one moment and the next longing for acceptance. The blade being that of not first accepting self. Thanks for your comment. Great hearing from you.

  16. Hi, I can relate to a lot of what you write – I I find myself wondering what a non-aspie would write – eg. instead of all the possible combinations that one goes through before showering or leaving the house…what does a non-aspie do ? Constantly wanting to know what’s ‘normal’ right ? Funny – I guess my name says it all. I know I’ve never been ‘one of the crowd’ and I know I never will be, And these days, that’s fine with me. All the best to you. Be kind to yourself. Kg.

    1. Oh, what a non-apie would write.. you are so right… lol… I just ask my husband… “So what are you thinking about?” …. “The show I am watching.” lol lol lol Basically I think it’s just one thought and focus at a time, like a string of thought, while we, my dear, are a ball of twine. hehehehe Love your name. I like Quirky, too. But I prefer Samtastic. hehe All the best to you. And the next week is dedicated to be kind to me time. Hugs and love.

  17. Reblogged this on Kindredspirit23's Blog and commented:
    Tonight, I am reblogging one of Sam’s best posts (in my opinion). As I said in a comment there, doctors should read this to figure out how to help Aspies instead of using their manuals. She is so very honest and open and, well, has it, for Gosh sakes! She oughta know…
    Read it! Namaste, Scott

    1. Yes, totally fine, if by reblog you mean it is a just small portion and links back here. that is so kind of you, and thoughtful. and thanks for checking. Thank you for the support! Much appreciated. 🙂

  18. For those with Aspergers, Check out the book Gut and Psychology syndrome by Natasha Campbell McBride. The author had a 3 year old daughter who was diagnosed with Autism. After following the GAPS regimen, she no longer qualifies with that diagnosis. It is an awesome book!

    1. ctrlady:
      For me personally with Aspergers I completely disagree with the fact that a GAPS diet will “fix” us. I have friend who have done the same thing and while it does help heal some of our outward things that may “qualify” us for our diagnosis our brain does not change. It may help heal our sensory overload or ADD a bit and sometimes as we grow we learn to mask and adapt, but a diet does not change a nuerological wiring- it can help…and it can provide a comfortable way of being but it does not change things and we do not want to “not qualify” for the diagnosis because it’s not just a diagnosis:) It is who we are…but I have read the book and it does have some merit…I just think we need to be careful about how we put things:)
      Oh, Aspergirls…Can I guest this or repost some of it with a link back here…? I want my friends and family to read your post!

    1. Yes. You can share any links. I just ask if someone reposts to copy 1/3 and link back to this blog. But sharing links is always welcomed. Thank you for asking and thank you for your comment. 🙂 Light and love

  19. I can’t wait for my husband to read this. It’s difficult for me to adequately convey how difficult it can be to leave the house. Even when I want to. All the decisions and processes-even on showering and hair washing. When I was younger I thought all if this is simply because I’m female. I longed to be a man. Life would be simple, right? 🙂 I cannot put on makeup while people are talking or looking at me. How to explain this to them? Many times I cannot think how to move my legs in order to walk while dome looks at me, much less focus on fine motor skills. I’ve likewise accepted these types of things. But reading this … I realize I’ve only skimmed the top of acceptance.

    Thank you.

    1. Thank you, Sam, for writing this, and also everyone else who comments – it’s so nice to know that there are other people out there who think in a similar way to me! xxx

  20. Thank you Sam for your postings… I am a 49 year old female who has come to the conclusion that she is an Aspie! I feel relief in many ways and now know that others think the way I do and feel like they are from another planet. I have been reading your posts these last few weeks and am coming to terms with many emotions about being an Aspie.
    So much of my past is making sense now! I no longer feel that my character and personality need to be changed….I can put my energy into accepting me as I am and living a life that will make some kind of sense. Thanks so much for reaching all of us with your words.

  21. Hi Samantha, is there anyway I can get in contact with you, such as an email address? This is the best blog I’ve ever found, and you’re so much like me, even in the manner in which you write, it’s almost frightening.

    I would really appreciate it if I could get your email address, and talk about these issues Further. is my address, so when/if you get this, please shoot me an email, I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks again for such tremendous work.

  22. Sam, never stopped to wonder that we are living in a very unnatural earth. We are using cellphones hours a day, are sure, still, behind a computer screen, directing our intention to one single point. A point that did not exist even 20 years ago. Our span of concentration is broken every other moment by another unnatural element; tv, radio, phone, internet. It is not you but these things that make you feel the way you do, these things have messed with your subconscious in a way that it is difficult to stay close to your core and enjoy the ride, because there is so much to do; how do we know if we are doing the right thing?

    I am glad that you are writing to help others, and that you direct attention to the problems of the heart and mind, I only as you that before people affiliate with your style of writing and strain of thought, you give them the reason why you think why you think so people can genuinely try to create a better thought pattern. Meditation, healthy food and especially sex are basically the three things that can help you fight the problems inside.

    I’m not a bad guy, just sharing my individual opinion. Hope all goes well with you and that you find the man of your life. Truly relax and come to self, from there on it goes by itself


  23. Thank you. Your blog has helped me recognize that what I feel, experience and ultimately struggle with is normal for other women with Aspergers. This post articulated things beautifully.

  24. Yesterday I read your post on the top 10 things (or some such title) and made a comment on Facebook – today I find this one – like an earlier ‘poster’, I believe you are in my head! And, may I ask, as you get older, do you find how you see things, and the way you cope with them, changing? My journey to diagnosis was through depression, then social anxiety- then a perceptive listener/therapist suggested an ASD. I am on medication for depression – and expected to be for life – and have had a number of years of psych talk – but I’ve NEVER been able to express myself as you have here. THANK YOU. I want to be sharing this link with every single person I know, especially those who ask questions about Aspergers – thank you, thank you, thank you.

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