487: Rain of Anger

I had the privilege and honor of seeing a shaman on Wednesday for a two-hour session. The experience was remarkable. I sat with him in such great comfort. He appeared a blank-slate: free, flowing, unblocked, and nothing cluttered. It was unexpected that I could be in the presence of someone and feel so me. I felt seen, heard, and loved. I understood him at a deep level, and he me. I saw myself, as I do in many people, and this version was heaven.

I won’t get into the details of the session as it is sacred to me. I will say he gave me three specifics. In example, with the facts altered, he said something to this degree: “Your discomfort has something to do with a little girl on a swing reading Orson Scott Card.” That’s not what he said. I have changed the details, but they are similar enough.

We talked about this and drew some conclusions.

The next day, about twenty-four hours later, someone mentioned to me randomly, out of context, the exact same words the shaman had said. A girl, sitting on a specific thing, reading a specific author. It was entirely uncanny and frightening. Just out of the blue, this person told me this. The statement did something to me. Tore through me. Terrified me.

I was able to find immediate connections and figured out why this message was important and significant. And the validation that the Shaman had foresight, or that I could feasibly create this, was intense.

Since the shamanic experience, I kid you not, my hair is curlier, I feel lighter, my mind is clearer, and I have embraced this RAGE. Yes, rage. I think it’s an accumulation of years and years of injustice I have endured, and my inability at the time to fight for myself, and the resulting habit of stuffing and being overly-kind.

It is enormous in intensity, and something has certainly shifted inside of me. I have had this terrible neck and head pain, as well. And been very sleepy.

This doesn’t trouble me. I think what I am experiencing is beneficial and indicative of much growth. I have been off-balance, to one side, for a very long time; so kind that I made myself sick, literally and figuratively. I have been longing for this shadow-side to peek her head out and to make an appearance. For years I have been searching for her. But I was frightened, as if I’d lose another part of me.

I don’t feel that way now. In fact, I sense I am gaining a part of me lost a long time ago.

I have let myself be victim for most of my life. Most recently by befriending almost anyone on Facebook, without developing boundaries or even standards. I had convinced myself that if some people can be all accepting and all loving, then why can’t I. But I forgot I am a woman. That there are predators. That not everyone will be nice just because I try my best to accept and love them. I found myself in this awful predicament of not being a caretaker but an over-accepter. I overlooked and tossed aside my own feelings of rejection, of concern, of fear. I avoided reality by living by some golden rule. I believed I could make everyone ‘good,’ or at least kind, if I was good enough. I overlooked huge potential threats and behaviors that were very much indicators of unstable minds. I invited dangerous people into my life.

I lost myself. I hurt myself. I put up with far too much for any one person. And I justified it by focusing on the good of all.

I became desperate and in search of a form of validation that wasn’t blatant or obvious. Yes, I liked myself, and yes, I loved myself. But I set myself up over and over for pain. Because I was essentially numb inside. I couldn’t feel anything but extremes.

I am starting to feel again, now. I am starting to feel when someone loves me. I am starting to feel when someone cares. I have rarely felt these emotions before. I feel less separate, less invisible, and more seen. I feel as if I have shed this robe of indestructible goodness, and donned instead one of acceptance of my human condition.

I have continued to escape into roles, one after the next, again and again. I don’t know if it will change. I don’t know who is coming next. But the woman, once child, who stuffed her pain, is gone. I won’t do that again.

I might go through a period of disorientation, I suppose. I mean, I already am. But that’s okay. I have been far too lenient with some people. Far too forgiving. It’s okay to forgive… eventually. But, gosh darn it, I need to let myself go through the other spectrum of emotions first! It’s like I beat myself up for having any ‘bad’ feelings.

I am tired of the guilt-voice I heard as a child, the one that didn’t allow me to speak my truth or to be anything but happy.

I can complain. I can get upset. I can be me in full swing. I am not some perfect angel. I am human!

The shaman gave me a great, great gift. Or I gave myself one, or we both conspired. Regardless, I am happy to be outside of the bubble of constant resilience. It’s okay to breathe here on earth for a bit, and to raise my hands up, not in helplessness, but in rage!

I am not afraid of me, anymore, or any aspect of myself. This is all unfolding as deemed necessary for my higher good; I know that. The coincidence of hearing the EXACT words of the Shaman was too out of the ordinary. Statistically impossible. And I had told not a soul these words he told me. And it came from someone I barely knew. And following the lead from there, proved fruitful.

I can’t express enough how everything seems topsy-turvy, turned upside down. I love that I am not attached to whatever I was three days ago, and I am not attached to whatever I am now. This is enough. I am enough. And if I want to roar, I will!

Mrs. Nice ‘Gal’… I am just so very weary of that role. Yes, there is niceness in me. Damn straight there is. Tons of it! Who I was before is not an act. I can see my extreme goodness and capacity for great love. But who else is in there, well she is dying to get out, strangled by her own accord. I am just glad she’s finally free. So immensely happy whilst standing in a rain of anger.

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23 thoughts on “487: Rain of Anger

  1. Hey Sam

    I understand what you mean. I too believe if only everyone would be nice what a great little world we would have. And if I’m nice then everyone else who comes into contact with me will be too. Kind of doesn’t work that way although I still wish it did. I guess all other emotions are part of being human too and

    logically that should be ok….but it’s just not ok with me. I say with a deep heavy sigh….nice doesn’t seem to get you anywhere! But I still wish it did.

    I’m happy you have found that defining moment in your life that you can now release and begin to heal from. Embrace all that you feel. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Bravo! Thank you for your honesty Sam…it’s important to let your angry side out, and bring her back into you.

  2. Yes, I have had to learn that too. Us Aspies can be niave when it comes to world goodness and peace and we dont think we are…but then we suddenly are hit with how we are. It’s a tightrope. I have been nice to all those who have been mean to me and sometimes it does not pay off at all. I am learning boundaries. A book that is good is Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud. That made me nip a few friendships, change almost all online activity to private, stop some damaging situations and just BE. I also believe anger can be used as a stepping stone. I dont stay in it forever but I let myself feel it. It is my first response before hurt even and it helps me.
    I am glad you had such an experience!:)

  3. A truly profound, illuminating post, Sam. It’s truly remarkable how transformational spiritual sojourns can be for some, eh? Your time with this shaman sounds like one of those moments…

  4. Hi, I just had to comment!! I just went to a writers workshop and we were asked to write about any emotion, she gave examples, and when she said rage, I felt myself shaking, and then was brought to tears, I knew that was what I would write about. I too have always tried to be so nice, but at this time in my life I realize I have been so unhappy for so long that I have to figure this out. And trying to be nice all the time has been killing me!!! I recently decided to just speak my truth and not just go along or do things I really didn’t want to do just because someone else expected me to or really wanted me to. I was met with anger, and I stood my ground. I think I had better start being more honest about what I do and don’t want to do, or saying what is bothering me to those close to me or I will just crumble with the weight. I didn’t realize how doing things for others that I really didn’t want to do could be so damaging to my self. I am very straight to the point about what I am needing to say, and I can tell it is very upsetting for others. I am not sure how to be honest and also add all sorts of words….more than what I am really thinking, again thaeedt feels so exhausting and makes me angry because there I am doing what others need instead of what I need. I too have let very dangerous people into my life over the years, I finally learned to be cautious at about 41!!! I finally figured out that if I let people in my life that do things I consider bad, and that if they treat me badly, I can say no, I don’t need this or want this. It never occured to me to CHOOSE the people in my life carefully, to look for the qualities I need in order to feel safe, like honesty and dependablility, and to stear clear of people who lie to me, who treat me without much care or respect!!!! It’s like I have had to learn the most basic things, stumble accross them, thank God I do.
    How awesome that you “sense you have found a piece of yourself lost a long time ago” I feel I have turned out to be someone different than the girl I know inside, and I too hope to get to her somehow, to somehow bring her into, this life on the outside that I live?????? It is difficult because I am so sensitive and feel everything it seems, hear everything at high volume…..how to be me with all the externals that cause pain and stress, I am trying to work on that and figure it out. Again thank you for sharing with others, I think I stumbled accross an important key that helps me see all the things I have lived with and couldn’t put my finger on why my life always had to be so damn difficult and exhausting,it has caused me alot of shame, confusion, and pain.

  5. I wish that you could write a piece every day:) your writing is amazing. It’s funny, interesting, and I realised that I am not alone:) I am seeking for my diagnose, but your posts always make’s me happier . Thank you for writing and keep going on.

  6. I just love your blog. This post as so many others feel like you are in my head. I am not good at putting my stuff in writing but you always seem to express my feelings to a tee. I wish you all the joy from your new found freedom. This has definitely given me something to consider and think about.

  7. so many of your blog posts really hit home for me.. this one especially. Do you still feel the same way you did when you wrote this post? I only ask because for me and my aspiness, I seem to experience fleeting emotions, especially with happiness and joy. Maybe I should go see a Shaman! ๐Ÿ™‚

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