philosophy

409: Unconditional and Conditional Love

| Aspergers Girls

( I am writing more because a lot is going on with our extended family. I process to find relief. If you don’t see me around for a bit, I might take a break. Hugs and love ~ Sam)

I have had the opportunity to experience a variety of friendships. In so doing, I have learned a lot about myself and love. For the majority of my life I felt a false-love from others and gave out false-love. Even though I felt the false-love, I didn’t recognize the falsehood for what it was. I was an active participant in the illusion. Most of these friendships were based on need. This desire was masked as possible fulfillment and completion. I know now no one can complete me.

I still hold all of these people in love and light. All of my friends continue to be some of my greatest teachers. I don’t choose to see any wrong in where I have traveled, and hold no one in my life responsible, not even my self. I have forgiven me and all. I place no judgment on any of my past or current friends either. I see them as lovely lights and filled with goodness. I don’t see them based on their actions but based on their hearts.

I was a player in the game of false-love, particularly in relation to men. Most of this telling is based on reflecting back to my behavior in pre-marriage years. I think if I had read what I have written below in my twenties, I never would have seen the ‘truth’ of it, and gone on living in denial. Maybe I even would have been spiteful and angry. I think if I had read this prose in my thirties, I would have thought I already loved unconditionally, and this was a waste of my time. I would have thought the person was preaching or trying to teach what I knew. If I read this last month, I would have thought, interesting, but I know this already. But it wasn’t clear to me until recently. Dynamically clear.

For now when someone claims to love me with a conditional type of love, I don’t feel love from them. I don’t know why, but all falsehoods affect me to a great degree. I don’t even know how I see this false-love, but I do. That’s not to say that people who proclaim to love me don’t love me. I believe they do. I believe a part of them does. But I believe a greater part is in constant battle with an unmasked, unnamed, and unforgiving fear. I believe this fear constantly transforms who I am when interpreted by another. I become what another projects from fear. In rare cases I become the light of love. This, and only this, is when fear is eradicated from its shell of illusion.

There is a struggle for people to find love and claim love, because they haven’t yet found the love inside themselves.

This false-love scares me momentarily, until I dismiss the fear.

It scares me because when another feels the illusion of fear, I feel the separation.

I have those in my life now that love me unconditionally. There is much freedom in this, to be me and be loved for me. I am not loved based on my outcomes or what I do or do not do. But even I, in my relationships with others, slip back into conditional love; this is very evident in my marriage and with my children. I continue to release judgment on self and others, and to learn. I am fortunate to have such experiences available.

When I am loved unconditionally I feel fed and nurtured. When I am loved by someone with conditions, I feel caged and judged. I am learning to not feel caged and judged, and to see this as illusion too, but it is taking some practice.

Lately, I am becoming more of a projection of what another choses to see in me. I can feel this in my depths. I become what another believes he or she sees. I become, in essence what they hold within. I have heard of this happening to other people, as well. So I am not alone in this experience. It is interesting to watch as I transform based on another’s deep level. I do not at this time think I am choosing to still see “fear.” I recognize the beauty and light in all, and see the fear only as illusion, nothing more. I can’t see beyond the beauty into fear, because there is no fear at the foundation.

I know I am still learning and growing.

I no longer choose to buy into another’s pain; especially when their pain is projected onto me, as if I did something or didn’t do something to cause the hurt. I do not have the power to knock down or to build up a person. Only source and a person’s own self can affect the spirit. I do have the power to love, and in this love to bring wholeness to self. Everyone has a choice to accept what he or she thinks I am saying or to reject it. To take in what he or she interprets as my truth or to decline. To say thank you and receive or say thank you, but no thanks. In this way, ultimately it is the receiver’s choice to determine what he or she takes in. I choose to take in all as truth and none as truth. I choose not to pick and choose. Unless someone is speaking from a place of fear, then I typically, when aware, politely decline. I prefer not to take on another’s fear-projection.

I believe there are only two roots: Love or Fear. All truth grows from there. Take a fruit off of the branch and examine it for what the fruit is. Rotten equals Fear. Ripe equals Love. One can tell much from the end product. Take the final outcome and drive backwards to the root. Where there is pain, there was fear to begin with manifested in false-love—illusion. Where there is mutual healing, there is love—the only existence.

Again this is my temporary truth.

My personal interpretation that assists me:

What true friendship is: Unconditional love.

What unconditional love is: Love without want, need, perimeters and/or expectations.

What want and needs are: Self-based, ego-centered desires that one thinks will make him or her happy. Also known as illusions and/or the path to suffering.

What perimeters are: Rigidness and separation; the judge emerging to decide if another has been deemed sufficient in their actions.

What unconditional loving friendship isn’t: All relations not based on unconditional love; in other words, all relations based on conditional, false-love, aka fear.

What unconditional love is not: False-love, also known as fear.

What fear is: An illusion often manifested in various actions and/or emotions that aren’t stemmed from love.

All false-love breeds fear and pain; all true love breeds more love. This true love can lead to spontaneous awakening and healing.

When one does not feel unconditional love, either the giver is loving with false-love or the receiver is misinterpreting the gift of genuine love.

This is not love: Expectations, martyrdom, fear-based desire, giving to receive, condition based giving, imagined selfless-giving, self-projection, owning, self-based desire, deeming one special or above the rest, caring more about self than other or caring more about other than self, blame, self-loathing in the name of love, fearing the future, needs based on outcome.

In love there is no hurt. All pain is self-inflicted.

Indicators of false-love:

Look at what a giving, loving, caring person I am, why can’t you love me like I love you?

I sacrifice for you, why can’t you sacrifice for me?

I am not good enough to be your friend.

You aren’t enough.

You should do this…

You disappointed me.

You won’t/don’t love me.

If you loved me, you would….

If you do this it will all be better.

You are the best person in the world.

You are hurting me.

People can have a mutual loving relationship based on unconditional love with moments of neediness and pain; unconditional love can fluctuate just like the seasons. No one is expected to be a perfect anything. Especially not a perfect lover or perfect friend. To suggest so, would be automatic judgment and separation. However healing happens when one starts to recognize his or her actions based on fear. Then self-healing can begin to take place in the one. After the one self has begun the healing process, the other in the friendship, noting the changes in his/her friend, will either continue in a state of fear, fight the change before also seeking self-understanding, or naturally seek out the friendship to heal in a way reflected in the healed or healing friend. In this way conditional love can bring both parties to pure love based on unconditional love.

If both partners are not ready, strong, and compassionate about growth and self-awareness, blame and jealousy quickly arises and the friendship may end. Yet, being this was a friendship based on false-love the illusion is what ends, not the friendship. This enables both to be free. One to go on to further unconditional love and the other to decide to remain in denial, suffering, and repeated pain or to seek out self-love. No one is right or wrong, better or worse; they are where they are.

In some cases someone who has learned self-love will be in a friendship with someone with conditional-based love. In this instant the person who continues to love unconditionally, despite the other’s projections, demands, and needs, can reflect back the ideal form of love and in this way transform the other trapped in a pain cycle.

True love heals when one capable of unconditional love simply is.

Again my temporary truth.

Strong indicators of conditional false-love:

No desire to celebrate a friend’s successes.

Not wanting to share the friendship with anyone else.

Thinking you are the best and/or only person for that person.

Changing actions or making decisions in an attempt to gain attention.

Obsessing about the person.

Thinking you are responsible for a friend’s growth, success, triumph, or accomplishments.

Thinking you are a person’s savior, teacher, protector, or safety.

Giving self-credit for another’s joy.

Thinking you have the answers another seeks and needs.

Thinking you were used, abused, or mistreated.

Jealousy of other people in the friend’s life.

Judging and putting down a friend’s friends.

Evaluating a friend’s choices, behaviors, mannerisms, and way of being.

Feeling the need to set a friend straight, so he can see your way.

Secretly or overtly harboring feelings of hurt and a sense of abandonment about the relationship.

Talking to someone about a friendship using harmful words about the friend.

How friendship appears:

A reflection of the love a person holds about his or her inner self.

What unconditional love-based friendship feels like:
Coming Home

406: Fear, Desire, and Attachment

| Aspergers Girls

I wasn’t my ‘full’ self, yesterday; I recognize this and understand the reasons. I am doing much inner processing, and sometimes allow myself to still try to seek perfectionism when none exists. When I do that, I try to seek perfectionism in others. All I say about someone else is a direct reflection of me. So in reviewing yesterday’s post I discover a bit about me. It’s not fun and it’s not not fun. It just is. I do this review of me without judgment. I am human and that is that. I may be a spiritual being having a human experience, but I still have this brain, this body, basic needs, and some lingering desires, and thusly I still project myself upon others. There are a few things going on with me. But even in “seeing” myself clearly, no matter the view, I remain the observer and not the judge.

I was more prone to slipping into moments of brief fear yesterday, because my husband is heading out of town to see his mother who is close to death. Normally, death would stir up multiple loops for me. I would have likely, before, spun on death and illness, worried about my husband being out-of-town, thought about the money the trip was costing, stressed and agonized over the pain of the sufferer, created and recreated future scenarios, guilted myself up for not being good enough while his mother was alive, chased down thoughts like a dog after a cat, had trouble sleeping, and so on. Now with the dismissal of fear, the repeated dismissal—as I still have fear—I don’t get lost in my mind. If I do slip out of the present, it is for clear reasons:

1. Thinking of a desire
2. Thinking of the reason I have the desire
3. Wondering how to detach from the desire
4. Wondering if I am presenting myself authentically and coming from a place of love
5. Wondering if I have said something that misrepresents my true heart
6. Wondering how to help more and love more
7. Analyzing my desire to see if the desire truly erupts from love and no other source
8. Catching and feeling the fear, and gently releasing the fear
9. Reminding myself not to self-judge
10. Checking in with my body about how I feel and how I am responding to my environment
11. Watching myself to see if I am in the present, past, or future
12. Briefly glancing ahead if I have to prep for an appointment or outing. (What to where. How long to tell my son I will be gone. What to bring. Etc.)
13. Checking in with myself to respond in a way that does not teach, dictate, or come across as ‘knowing the answers.’
14. Reminding myself I know nothing and that I am an accumulation of my perception, exposure, and experience.

Other than these thoughts above generally I am:

1. Listening to the deep self while I write.
2. Listening to the guiding voices that used to seem like angels, but now feel a bit different.
3. In the act of creation, e.g., writing, poetry, painting.
4. Focusing on what another is saying, doing
5. Experiencing a deep depth of knowledge that comes as images, words, and what seem to be lessons.
6. Experiencing the now–the moment–the present

Today, I awoke ‘rawer’ than the last few days; primarily because a change is occurring with my husband leaving town, and also because I feel somewhat unsettled from my post yesterday.

When fears come, they come briefly. Usually only a second or two, sometimes a minute, and very rarely more than an hour. The fears I have looked at this morning come in the form of self-messages, which I recognize as a temporary lie disguised as a truth.

1. People don’t see my heart.
2. I am over-stepping boundaries and speaking too much.
3. I am not good enough to be sharing my journey.
4. I ought shut up.
5. People don’t get me.
6. I am fat.
7. I am not desirable.
8. I am crazy.
9. I was wrong.
10. I am a bitch.
11. I still have impure thoughts.

When I look at the fears, they dissipate. One or two might linger and try to keep popping up but when they do I have disciplined techniques. One such technique is to ask myself if I am in the past or present. Whenever there is fear, I am in one or the other.

Another is to remind myself no one’s opinion of me is a truth, not even my own.

I also tell myself I am light and love and in that I am exactly enough.

If one of the fear messages is about a desire, such as to be a perfect body shape and/or size, to look pretty, to sound smart, to appear sweet, to be rid of unclean thoughts, etc. I look at the desire two ways. First I recognize it is a desire and in doing so this frees me of an obligation. Desires feel like contracts with fear to me. So, I simply wave goodbye to the desire and decide I don’t wish to desire. The bliss of the moment and the absence of fear beats any and all longing for desire. In this way I substitute in my mind the desire for desire with the peace of the present moment and the state of love.

The second thing I do is look at the desire and recognize what the attachment is beneath the desire, e.g., to be loved, to be seen, to be accepted, to be right, to be perfect, to be a good example, to achieve the state of enlightenment. When I can pinpoint my desires to exact attachments, I am able to slip the weight of longing off of me, and free up more energy for love. I have to, at this point, continually remained disciplined. Even thoughts of being too disciplined or too focused on awareness pop up. I then remind myself that is okay. It’s where I am at. And see this as an attachment I cannot yet remove, but will someday.

Even all of this I see as slipping out of the present, and recognize in over-analyzing my ‘path’ I seek refuge in the fear of the future and past. I see this all at such a depth that the observer in me tires, my body pigs out (for body fears being disowned and no longer in power), and my emotions become more evident. I feel more vulnerable and behave in a more attached way.

It is a fascinating cycle to watch. Overall, my mind is 95% calmer and lighter than a month ago. Even with these thoughts of analysis and discipline spinning round, I am able to step back and stop. To breathe and be witness to the moment. I am learning to do things repeatedly without effort or want of outcome, including my thoughts about no thoughts and thoughts of the way I focus on the now. The best moments are when I am in the now without want to be in the now. That is tricky, and something that can hurt my brain, if I think too hard on it. The layers of desire fascinate me, as does the fact that I am much more an audience to my life than an actual player.

With all that said, I had a spike of fear from reading a recent comment. I thought to myself: “Well, yes, I know that. Why do you have to point that out? Why are you focusing on that?”

I felt a huge rush of feelings; all this fear at a masquerade ball dressed as emotions.

1. Inadequacy
2. Defense
3. Failure
4. Imperfection
5. Righteousness
6. Self-centered
7. Panic
8. Not enough
9. Unseen
10. Unloved

One simple comment, and boom, I was swimming in fear. The key for me now is I feel the fear so instantly, it doesn’t really have a chance. And I feel it at such depth, it has even less of a chance of remaining. Plus I show it to the light which is you, another person, and/or myself, and that light exposes the fear for mere shadow. It has become a kind of hide-and-go-seek game. Except fear has so many guises, sometimes he switches gears in the middle of the game.

From reading my post yesterday, I recognize in myself that I am still struggling with the desire for:

1. Fun
2. Understanding my interests
3. Being heard
4. Wanting to relieve others blindfolds
5. Self-fulfillment in the form of enlightenment

It truly is interesting, because now whenever I share my thoughts, I see a whole underlying event occurring, like an undertow, or the molten lava beneath the surface, or the paint beneath the paint beneath the paint. There are so many vast layers of illusion. I am learning to make fun out of the illusion itself.

Now to spend some quality time in the moment with my coffee. The liquid amber golden swirls. The richness…the depth…..

Until the next time my brain opens and releases. Much love and light to you my fine lovely friend.

405: The Blue Bird’s Song

| Aspergers Girls

The Blue Bird’s Song

I remember one Easter celebration when my aunt and uncle had illegal satellite reception, and my grandmother accidentally turned the television to the adult channel—I recall on the screen there were two women and whip cream. And I recall, that on this particular Easter, we all sat together gathered in the living room and analyzed the film. I miss my extended family. I miss them much. I couldn’t readily appreciate my relatives when I was younger. I was too concerned with being normal and right, and enough. Too concerned with being loved.

Now I am changed. I recognize there is no normal, no right, no enough. I no longer hanker to be loved. I no longer long to be extraordinary. I am fine with being ordinary. I like how OSHO in The Buddha Said talks about one being capable of extraordinary measures in the plight to be plain ordinary. I mean if everyone else is trying to be special, or secretly thinking she is, then I like the idea of going against the grain, and striving for the rare ordinary. Beyond that nothing and invisible seems pleasing, too.

I was always the cheerleader for the striving underdog. Still am. There is something about the eyes of someone who has truly suffered. In comparison to a silver-spoon feed mamma’s boy, the sufferer, well he just seems like he has a soul I can climb into and rest. I’d like to do that—just spend a day climbing into people’s eyes.

I think I am weird in some ways—in my extreme need to connect. I mean when I read about the path of a particular type of Buddha, the one who wants to stick around and endure the earth so he can bring others to enlightenment, instead of just to himself, that makes perfect sense. It’s a no-brainer. Why would I want to gain complete enlightenment, if others were still suffering? I don’t get it. I don’t get how some things that are supposed to be the harder path, seem like the only path to me.

Today, I got a little bit sad. I wanted to be normal, just for a stretch of time—that freedom of oblivion. To have a brain that truly thinks shopping and fine dining is fun. To have a mind that believes animated comedy is hilarious. To take refuge in the ordinary and obvious. To just be like the crowd.

Many people have fixations and special interests. They might like sports cars or collect dolls, or perhaps fancy a sport. Me, on the other hand, my passions have always been eccentric and deep. Too deep, really. For example, my current fixation is in finding the meaning of existence and in the understanding of the Buddha’s path. I just am not simple. There is no part about me that is simple. I find peace in intelligent endeavors with deep complexities and the plausibility of opportunities leading to the scaffolding off of the old and sometimes new to form brilliant conclusions. I love the mind and all its parts. I love how my imagination explodes and abounds; how I can tap into the collective unconscious and spout out abundance meanderings that actually make sense.

Still, I grow sad at moments that I am the one seeking deep pleasure in intellect instead of what have you. There is a definite separation that occurs between me and others; even in my immediate family. I am sad at moments because, as silly as it sounds, I cannot understand how others aren’t like me. Not in a selfish, prideful way, just in I-don’t-understand-any-other-way-to-be way. I cannot comprehend another type of wanting and yearning, is all.

I got over my guilt about myself and the way I am in this world months ago. All in all, for the most part, I like what I do. I like the love I represent. And I think if I was a spokesperson for the product of inner me, I’d be authentically representing myself enough to please my client—perhaps even pull in a whole new account based on my dedication.

As I am the way I am, I like to learn. I don’t like to learn to prove anything to anyone, or to build platforms and ammunition for debate, and I am long past the want or desire to write a paper citing sources. I like to read only for me. I like to be enlightened and filled with new information, or the same information read by a me on a different time line, someone more matured and learned; I like to see how my own perspective has changed, how I have grown, how I have transitioned. When I am reading non-fiction, particularly spiritual texts, I dive deep. I dive into the dynamics of the language used, the heart of the author, the rhythm of the words, the meaning behind the meaning, and the hypothesis rendered. I inch my way into what the mind of the worker might have been, and into his heart, if feasible, and if kind it be. I like to sit there, inside the other, and imagine his world as he wrote—his fear, his misgivings, his intention. I like when the intention feels authentic and pure, without want or need of recognition. I love nibbling on the words of humility; I particularly love the nutty flavor of confession and humor pointed at self. I love the display of frailty, confusion, contradiction, and savor the omission of dogma and opinionated banter.

I no longer choose sides on topics or subjects, or anything presented to me in written or spoken form. I have no ability and no need to do so.

I see now. I see through the veil and through the predicaments. I see straight to the core of people’s fear. So much fear everywhere. It is troubling and it is freeing. I like that fear is out in the open, exposed and no longer hidden, but right there—pliable so I can almost touch and reshape it. Almost make fear disappear. Fear is so evident. I hear it in people’s voices; I see it in their eyes; I watch them unravel the fear as they complain about this or that, or about someone they supposedly love.

Along with the fear I see the falsehoods. I see the false-love. I understand all that is not love. It is a wonder that not everyone can see the world in regards to the falsehoods and false love. I know I couldn’t just a month ago, but still it seems I always could somehow, somewhere, to some degree.

I guess if I find anything hard anymore in regards to fear, it is in the wanting to fit in; the wanting to be like the rest and commiserate in misery—to complain, to whine, to panic, to anticipate, to get worked up, to put others down, to fret, to over-plan, to rush, to let thoughts consume me. Truthfully, I don’t really want any of that; frankly I had more than my share. But I want the avenue the fear provides for feasible connection. Just the avenue, not what travels through.

Now that I have stepped out of fear, the state of fear doesn’t entice me—whether in my own self or witnessed through another. And in this way I am sad; mostly, because I am standing here with this abundant plate of love and I know not how to serve it and whom to serve it to, when others’ plates are already filled with fear they want to spill upon me and then quickly reload with more fear. I want to hold a hand. I want to cuddle and snuggle. I want to have a slumber party with my dear-hearted ones; I just don’t want to connect through the fear. It doesn’t fill me now. It never did. Only seemed like it did. It was a commonality. An illusion that served.

I always wondered why people seemed to connect more through misery than joy. I understand now. It’s impossible to feel connected to someone’s joy unless you love your own self. Otherwise jealousy or greed or many a number of fear’s brethren slither in. People might pretend—but they don’t really feel love for the one celebrating. But they feel for the pained one, for the panged, for the suffering. They know suffering. They walk and breathe and live it. That’s all there is when the light is dim. When the walking flame has forgotten his very fire.

Ironically, though I am much changed I am still unsure about how to respond in typical conversation. I don’t worry about the communication skills anymore, or how to act, or what to say, or what people think of me. Now in conversation it is the fear that gets in the way. Not mine, the others’ fear. And the intention behind the words that comes forward in a blatant way. So much is spun from the core of fear: want, need, expectation, demand, etc. It hurts to listen sometimes. To know what I hear is entirely birthed from illusion. “Love me, I am not enough.” “Show me you love me, so I can feel enough.” “Tell me I am special, that I am wonderful.” “Validate me.” That is usually what I hear. I hear the truths. I hear the pain of not knowing love. I hear the pain of fear.

I want to say to another, “Look, this is fear. If it isn’t love, it’s fear. That’s all it is. The illusion of fear.” But who am I to say? And I know enough to know that no one can hear me, anyhow. The only thing anyone can here is her own self, and that through the filter of defense, question, heightened alertness, and possible judgment—well most of it is judgment, I suppose.

I feel very much a little blue bird on a perch outside a window. There is a bright candle inside, and I am looking in. The person comes to the window carrying the burning flame. And I am happy to be there, happy to be a part of this glimpse into the world. But then the person starts dripping hot wax on his arms or sticking his finger in the flame, and I want to gently say, “Stop; don’t do that; stop hurting yourself; that’s not how to use your light—that’s not how to carry your fire.” But I can’t. If I dare speak I sound like a chirping animal. And it hurts. It’s not the fact that I am unheard that hurts. It is the fact that I can do nothing but watch.

I can’t be blamed that the blindfold is off of me and therefore I can see where to pin the tail on the proverbial donkey. I can’t be blamed, but I am. Not by you, not by another, but by self. I play this game in my head that I ought not know, that I ought to find my way back to where the illusion didn’t make sense but still kept me blinded.

I want to know all about the light. But I really don’t want to know about the pain anymore. I don’t want to hear about the quibbles and the struggles with other people. I don’t want to see the anger, the blame, the righteousness, the dogma, the blindness.

And so I come across, I suppose, to some people as living in a dream world, or being aloof, or being changed, or being cold, or perhaps disinterested, or not loving. But the truth is I have never felt real love until now. I never knew love. Today I can love for no other reason but to love. I want nothing in return. Absolutely nothing. No attention, no reward, no karma, no benefit, no accumulation. All profit seems imaginary to me. Like play money, if even that. Something a kid fancies for a short while before it is forgotten, out grown, or lost. If anything I want more capacity to love. That is all I want. I want to be dug deeper through my own suffering, so I can be filled with more love. I want to give of my whole self to be that which is love. I know love now. I know it so dearly and so truly.

I guess temporarily I am lonely. All words feel the same. Whether praise or hate—it feels very much the same illusion. I can hear real love—love that is from the depth of a soul who knows nothing but love. Someone who too walks with blinders lifted; another dreamer awakened. I can hear him when he speaks; I can even hear him in his silence. I recognize the bird outside my window clearly. I see him and adore his song. But all the rest, the sounds of fear roar like thunder, calling out in warning that the fire has arrived still trapped in the darkest of clouds.

400: Entered

| Aspergers Girls

Where you stand, I enter. My sunlight opened in the ray of you. Where you are, I be, nestled between the edges of your making. I am the sugar sprinkled cross the sunrise desert, the frosting dipped beneath and within, yellow-dancing in the outskirts of my thoughts. Where I travel, you are, carried upon my shoulders, the lightest of feathers, blanketing me, my shield of angels splendor. I spin, come round each wake, reborn in your giving and eternal goodness. I rise; the angelic force instilled gently like the wind through the meadow spring. I bubble and wrap in the bluest-blue, the stillness awoken in your cleansing waters.

Where you stand, I enter. My darling lover of the fallen night, the darkness dripped away as canvas cleansed with the brushes wet; each color washed over with newness and new day. A caravan of awakening upon awakening, surprises always there but never seen. You move, and I follow, the drapery of your kindness a trail of delight, smoothing past the garden’s gaiety as candle wax of brevity. I drip, you drip. I bleed, you bleed. Connected we are in the tumbling of my being. Unspun and rewoven into the kaleidoscope of me within me, the light swollen as the woman with child, birthing and rebirthing the newfound hope.

Where you stand, I enter. I glide, the child on your coattail, following a form I neither see nor want, but desire, my rain to the petal wept, my seed to the fallen bird. I soar, the embers of my mind cascading down to the soil of naught, and slipping into the oceans that be, sailing once and then again, into the mystery of time. Sprouting in the eternalness of river led to mouth, and mouth led to sky. I am this. I am this drumbeat of the earth, the willow tree that touches down in gratitude and meets the tender grasses with her open hands. I am this. The weathered-breast of soldier fought, bowing down in remission and remembrance to echoes of the battlefield. I have retreated to the highest ground that leads to nowhere but to thy very self. And here, in the chambers still, I watch, my eyes as falcon born, dreaming of the ways I traveled. For I am dreamer yet, trapped in the window of my memory.

Where you stand, I enter. I hear you as I hear my very voice. The rhythm feeds my withered bones, the dauntless eyes erased, the gauntlets tossed empty. Here is where I sparkle, my soul leaped forward from the place of behind to the place of entrance. Here where I stand, you enter, taking my tethered thoughts and bleeding them out to the world. My sacrifice, your sacrifice. My heart, your heart. My enemy made clear in the taking of circumstance of my liking, when bitter liking it be. And thusly, I am sweetened, made as bread to the master, ripened in the cream and butter nut of goodness. So that when I look upon the thoughts that were, I see the emptiness of cause, the fawning ways in which I walked. How with danger I froze, the deer-dove I was, with wings of no service in the state of fear.

Where you stand, I enter. I know not what I do or what I do, who I am or what I be. I know nothing of your kindness or your glory. I know not face or name of maker. I know not if exist exists. And in this I know not if my voice is but rising to thy very own chambers of light and there made feed for the mass of me. None other but I, listening to the merry voice of reason lost. No more than this, my empty vessels feeding upon the nibbles of hope. Yet, here I rest, in the serenity of uncertainty. For no matter the form, or shape, or even the distance from the dwelling to the home of home, if I be not home already, then the waiting is of peace. The waiting is of necessity lost and freedom found. I care not what you be or how you be, or what layman’s ways I set upon your threshold, for it matters not to me the way in which you came, only that you entered so.

395: The Core of Fear

| Aspergers Girls

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This is my momentary truth.

My mind enables me to piece together parts to make sense of the whole. Ironically, the exact tool I use to help me understand complex happenings of the mind is the exact tool that for most of my life incapacitated my ability to find peace of mind. In meaning that as long as I divide and separate my world, I continue to judge.

I believe all things stem from fear or love. I believe fear begets fear, and love begets love. I believe fear can serve as a falsehood for love, and often does. I understand that any love that has attachment to it is a false love.

Here is what I wrote to a dear friend yesterday. (A few changes were made.)

“Attachment is spawned from the need to feel complete and whole, based on an inner need of lacking, which can never be completed from the attachment to any sect, thing, or being. Wholeness must and always comes from within and through un-attachment. Thusly, when I attach I feel torn away from Source…

In regards to Effort— effort can have many intentions and motives. Indeed a home cooked meal only made in the moment for the purpose of love and sharing is indeed effort well-received. Effort with any motive behind it, for self-interest or other, or for a cause even unknown, beyond divine goodness, is effort not received, but actually a something given in hopes of return. So, in theory, my theory alone, with no expectations that you buy in or agree, if in effort I write to you because the focus is to offer myself and love (friendship or what have you) then indeed the effort is nurturing and fulfilling, but effort with attachment feels to me as poison to the soul.

I wish to give of myself freely and from a place of no self-intention, to everyone, and especially to you. So in saying I pray for unattachment it is in actuality, and in reality, saying I pray to love you unconditionally with no semblance of fear, need, or want…

Attachment to all hurts me physically, and when I am unattached I flow merrily along as if in a dream world. The temptation comes when I wish for something to replace what God (Spirit) has given me already, thinking anything here or there, or in between can fulfill me or take away misery. I apologize for the length. And indeed, my friend, had you brought me a crumb to my table or the feast for a king, my feelings would not differ. For it is not in what you do I look to but what you are.”

(Even in reviewing this conversation, I see I am somewhat attached to this person, as I especially want to be unattached.)

In reflection this morning, I understand there is a cycle of pain that many people experience. There is a false love and false sense of being that breeds further fear-conditioning in the world.

False love is, as mentioned above, any and all affection displayed that is attached to wanting something. This is a need-based love. There is always an outcome intended. Therefore there is intention for self. The intentions are numerous ranging from validation, the need to be seen, the need to be heard, the want of some form of attention, and so on. Mostly, false-love is stemmed from the need to be filled. When someone displays false love a sensitive person will feel the attachment, even if it is very subtle. I believe as a person with Aspergers, I feel this false-love attachment when some people speak. I feel their need for love.

A false sense of being or being non-authentic is a result of fear-based conditioning. We live in a world with false-love and false-beings, people who give out false-love pretending and thinking it is real love, and people pretending to be people they are not to conform and fit in. Assimilation isn’t really happening; what is happening is people are conforming who they are to avoid rejection. In doing this they face the ultimate rejection: which is rejection of true self. Not everyone does this, but these actions seem to fit many people at this present moment. Myself included, when I lose contact with Source.

People who are non-authentic will conform, fake who they are, lie, defend, need to be right, argue, debate, and so on. They often hide behind a false-truth, conditions they have set upon themselves and the environment and claimed as reality. These conditions are again stemmed from the root of false-love and false-being that self and others partake in.

We, as a species, look around and think what we see is the truth, when in actuality it is people re-conditioning other people about their truth. This is easy enough to see in studying culture and societies. Thusly, again, false-love and false-being leads to false-conditioning.

False conditioning is FEAR-based and can be called FEAR-conditioning . This is a result of non-purposeful fear, such as people mimicking behaviors and routines based on fear-based conditioning, without conscious recognition they are fearful. There is also fear-based conditioning created by people trying to control, such as big business and media, or in a smaller scale parents using manipulation with children. This FEAR-conditioning leads to Fear-based thoughts.

Fear based thoughts create more fear-conditioning and lead to the falsehood of MY TRUTH = THE TRUTH.

When one believes My truth = The truth separation occurs . When one believes their truth is the truth, he further isolates self from others and being separated experiences more fear. As a result he gives out more fear. Thinking My truth = the truth is a falsehood. This falsehood in back tracking comes from fear based thoughts that stem from fear conditioning that stems from false-love and false-being.We can begin to see a pattern here. Most of everything stemming from a root of non-authenticity and false love.

This is why false-love and non-authentic people hurt some people. We (many people with Aspergers and others who are sensitive to the falsehoods) see through the illusion, even if we don’t know what we are seeing through. We feel this falsehood at our core and recognize it as poison and not real. We often don’t know why, but we do. When we are around like people who bring us comfort,it is because they resonate with our core. If our core is authentic, we resonate with authentic people; if our core is fear-based authentic, we resonate with fear-based-authentic; if our core is non-authentic fear-based we resonate with that. Regardless of a neurological condition or any type of label. Like attracts like.

Going back again, after the falsehoods have been formed leading to my truth = the truth, and to separation, then judgment is birthed.

The viewer seeing from a foundation of conditioned fear-based thoughts sees the worlds through degrees, variable, rights and wrongs, good and bad. A young child does not naturally do this. They are open and loving to all, until conditioned to believe the world is unsafe or affected by a fear-base conditioned societies’ actions. As fear-based conditioning sets in, the middle area between two points begins to fade. People forget that there is an infinite middle-ground that is more expansive then the universe. People think judgment is truth. And each person establishes their truth as reality and the right way to be. Judgment leads to judgment of others and self. One cannot judge the outside without first judging the inside. What you see on the outside is how you judge yourself. Though this seems cloudy and mistakenly wrong for most, it is a truth. Thusly, in review thoughts based on fear-based conditioning, stemmed from a society of false-love and non-authenticity, breeds separation (see * below), and separation breeds judgment.

Two things happen when judgment is birthed: people fear themselves and fear others. The world becomes a fear-based place, and this feeds further into the fear-based- conditioning, thoughts, falsehoods, separation, and so on. It is cyclic, re-feeding the core of fear at every step. Genius in its making and undertaking, indeed.

Here, in response to fear-conditioned judgment there are feasibly at least two ways, if not many more, a person may split from their true self and become imprisoned. These splits are survival mentalities, an instinctual response to fear.

When submerged in conditioned-fear, a person will seek escape. No one can live separate and no one can live in continual fear. It is not feasible. Fear and separation are an illusion the soul does not recognize nor understand.

Escape is found in two direct ways, (I have made these names up for clarity of discussion), in the form of 1) Buried Self (seeping further in separation perhaps manifested as Aspergers) and 2) Assimilated Self subconsciously becomes non-authentic

The main difference between the two, is in the first example, Buried Self, the one in hiding, might pretend to be another person, but become readily aware she is doing so; while in example two, assimilated self, the person is under the illusion she is someone she is not, her true self imprisoned deep within. In some ways each experiences the other split, but at differing degrees of awareness. The assimilated self can feel buried deep within and the buried self can feel at times like she is trying to assimilate. In this way they share more commonalities than differences.

The Buried Self feels the fear of the world and cannot pretend fear is not there. She sees it everywhere. She does not understand the falsehood of the world. While some seem to have blinders, she does not, and takes in everything internally. She is told she is wrong or different because of her behaviors of innocence. In the core of fear she cannot readily identify what she feels. This causes anxiety, discomfort, pain, self-infliction, and unbearable confusion. She may be obsessive, compulsive, never-satisfied, angry, highly emotional, and overwhelmed with what seems to be simple tasks. She does not know how to be non-authentic, and subconsciously takes on roles for a short period of time, until she finds herself back in the core of fear. The true self is imprisoned. She feels the false-love and does not feel completed by the falsehood. In this way love seems to hurt, and pain feels more authentic than false-love. She might seek out pain, because the pain feels ‘authentic.’ She keeps searching for true love, thinking there is a ONE out there, not realizing her own ONE is within. She thusly has a strong drive to find the ONE. She recognizes the falsehoods. This is her gift and affliction.

The Assimilated Self is frightened by her own true self because she has been conditioned by fear and judgment. In judging others she has learned to judge herself. She perceives herself as unworthy at the core. She is under the illusion she has readily adapted to her environment and has periods of joy based on worldy-pleasure. She might even think she loves herself. At a deep-level she still feels unfulfilled and separate, but is able to push this back and go on with daily living, perhaps keeping herself extremely preoccupied in the busyness of life, including other people’s business and happenings. She is able to not see the falsehoods and lead a reasonable life without extreme in-depth analysis and self-exploration. Thusly, the assimilated person looks and appears to fit in, but is numb to her own self. This is both her gift and affliction. This person might lie, cheat, defend, openly judge, be righteous about her truth, and feel somewhat absent from life. She might be prone to gossip, manipulation, and plans motivated by extreme self-want. She is complimented and rewarded for fitting in and reaching “normal” goals. She is attempting to feed the fear with more fear, but knows not what she does. She was born innocent.

The key to both types of imprisonment is in recognizing thoughts are not real and in recognizing separation and judgment. This will bring a person into the core of fear. A place where all has been buried from shame of judgment and from the repeated falsehoods.

The next step is recognizing that there is real love and connecting to that love.(Each person finds this connection to love in his or her own way.) When we connect to real love we represent and give out real love and take down the false illusions of fear-conditioning.

Anything that comes out that isn’t love, isn’t love. All false-love is based on fear. Anything that doesn’t feel like love inside the body or outside the body, is not love. People who are deep in the buried self or assimilated self, or a combination of both, cannot recognize real love readily. They can recognize the light of a true person who is whole and loves unconditionally. There freedom is found in looking upon each person and knowing without doubt that that person has unconditional love at their core, though he may still be trapped in the illusion of fear. The key is in realizing the dreamer is trapped in a dream, and choosing to love the dreamer regardless of the dream he is choosing to live.

A key to connecting to source is to dig up all of the illusions trapped in the core of fear In this way you give the fear no power. You remove the energy of fear from yourself. This can be done through careful examination of fear. It would be helpful to have some type of spiritual practice for direction and goal-setting. But it isn’t necessary.

If one goes into him or herself and brings out fear for examination, once exposed to the light it is seen as illusion. In this way you make separation null by seeing the fear-conditioning is false and your true self is authentic and pure and not trapped in your core of fear.

Once emptied of the conditioning you’ve held inside, you are free to be filled with real love from Source. This source is of your choosing. Once filled you can love others with real love, without intention of outcome or need. There will be profound peace. This evaporates the initial breeders of fear-conditioning: the non-authentic self and the false love. Because once one is free of the core of fear, he can love from a place of wholeness and authentic love.

First you must recognize self in the fear cycle. If you judge anyone, you live in fear. If you judge your self, you live in fear. If you love out of want, you live in fear. If you have peace, you have ridden yourself of the illusion of fear-conditioning. Anyone can do this. It is not hard. Just believe in yourself and believe in your brother and sister. See in them the beauty and see in yourself the same. This will heal our world.

I haven’t shared anything here that cannot be found in many spiritual truths and practices. The underlying message: LOVE and Service and seeing the LIGHT in all. When you see the light in all, your only calling will be to love others and a desire for them to love themselves.

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In stating any truths, I recognize this is my current truth based on my belief system and exposure to certain conditionings. I do believe there are truths that can lead to self-betterment; the key being in not attaching to the truths, but walking as observer through the ways of this truth. Any truth that does not resonate with the body, mind and spirit, and any truth that causes pain of any sort, is not a truth I choose to carry. Any truth that initially separates in the guise of betterment of All, I do not deem as a truth. Each of us find our own truth and our own “guidelines” for recognizing truth.

Here are some Truths I have established for myself when seeking truths:

1. The speaker of the truth will recognize there are no truths.
2. The speaker of the truth will embrace the contradiction that there are no truths.
2. The speaker of the truth will not have attachment to the truth or to truths about the truth.
3. The speaker of the truth will not have specific outcomes (attachment) he hopes to generate beyond unconditional love. This is a specific form of attachment he releases–attachment to outcome leading to results which can be tangible or emotional-based e.g., boost sense of belonging, increase sense of self-esteem, build ego, employ false-love, increase reputation, reap material gain, convince self of righteousness.
4. The speaker of the truth will speak from love as he deems love to be, specifically from a place of unconditional acceptance of self and others.
5. The speaker of the truth will hold in his heart the deep intention to do no harm and speak only the truth from source-heart and not from self.
6. The speaker of the truth will feel a deep knowledge of truth that he recognizes he knew his whole existence.
7. The speaker of the truth will spread peace and love through service with no want of material gain.
8. The speaker of the truth will attach self to no sect., denomination, or exact way, as this automatically breeds division. Where he might choose a specific path for his betterment, this is not an expectation or need for him to place upon others.
9. The speaker of the truth understands multiple paths lead to truth.
10. The speaker of the truth has the affliction of truth: being called to share but understanding that invariably sharing any truth in form (words) sets up division. Thusly he longs to equally share and not-speak.
11. The speaker of the truth is called to service and love above all else.
12. The speaker of the truth continually wishes for release from suffering for all.

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* Separation breeds fear, any type of separation, this is as simple as dividing two people into two sects—religious, political, neurological and otherwise. I have been taught to fear, to judge, to evaluate and to separate. I will not do that anymore. It’s not even a choice. It hurts. It doesn’t make any sense, and pulls me out of a state of peace. I am best for my world, for my children, and for my community when I am at peace; I refuse to purposefully step out of peace for the sake of judgment, division, and separation. They are essentially all one element. This is nothing new. Nothing I write is new or fresh or brilliant, and I don’t want it to be. When one writes from a place of heart the message is from a place of love.

When Emotion overtakes you