I used to be afraid you’d only see a part of me, a piece, a section, a part I didn’t want you to see.
I used to think if I didn’t show all my parts as best as possible, all the time, then you might come at the wrong time, see the wrong parts. Not like what you see. Not want what you see.
I used to think my heart is so full I need to gush everything out all at once right now, or you will not understand, you will not realize, you will not get me.
I used to think that if you did not understand me, you could not love me, if you did not find all the treasures within me, you would not cherish me. I used to think I had to do it all, all the time, for you to care.
I used to think I was separated, divided, all these pieces, all these parts, and if one part failed, I failed, if one part was not perfection, I was not perfection. And how could you, as such perfection, love a flawed me.
I used to think I was different from you; that although I viewed you, absorbed you, siphoned you out as one tremendous and fantastic whole, that I was still parts.
I used to think in time I could win you over, with enough effort I could earn your love.
I used to think if I didn’t earn your love, I would die.
I used to think love was to be earned.
I used to think I had to show you. I had to prove to you everyday I was special, I was worthy, I was beauty. If you could not see me, I could not exist.
I used to think I was parts.
Now I know I am whole. Now I know I am beautiful. Now I know no matter what anyone else sees, my best is always there. In the bright of my eyes, in the bright of my soul. I shine. Without parts, I shine just fine.
I took the images at the 625-acre Mima Mounds Natural Area Preserve in Washington, USA. Soils formed as glaciers melted about 11,000 years ago. This site protects native ecosystems and rare plants and animals. There are many theories about how the mounds of earth formed. My favorite is the giant gopher theory!
This is an interesting video about the mounds:
and laughing…here’s what it looks like MOST of the year:
Images
I imagine your voice as the sea alive in the deep night
A rhythmic strength, a moonlight lullaby
I imagine your presence the solid branch set across clear stream
A place to cross over, a passageway to the other side
I imagine your taste the ripe fruit cleansed and divided whole
A sugar to tongue, a craving reborn
I imagine your chest the mossy grass of midsummer
A softness to palm, a tingle to my skin
I imagine your hands the breeze through the evergreen of cedar
A visiting ebb, a caress between limbs
I imagine your lips the cotton candy of youth
A melting satisfaction, a spiral of sweetness
I imagine your soul the wings of the monarch
A flawless design, a freedom to flight
I imagine your movement the rapids over boulder
A cleansing crush, a cool rush of nature
I imagine your image the reflection in still pond
A mirror to myself, a partner to my imagining
A song I can’t get out of my head. There’s always one that sticks around for days.
“I have a deep angst in the depths of me that I have been carrying in my soul since May of this year. I do not have the words to describe this experience, except to say I feel a vast depth in my inner being that is filled with a mixture of love, passion, and longing. I have carried this from when I awake, until I sleep.
Dreams bring escape.
I have tried to figure out what to do with this feeling that feels akin to unconditional expansive love—a bottomless pit I want to fill with all the beauty about me.
I have had no choice but to pour the angst out of my soul day after day into prose and poetry. Each day I think I am emptied, only to find, time and time again, that I am not relieved for even a moment.
I have tried to pour this love into one person, and find that this love is not made for one.
I have tried to cry it out, walk it out, starve it out, laugh it out, talk it out….but alas it stays, lingering in the forefront of my every waking thought.
This love will not depart, and instead seems to grow with each coming day.
I know not what to do. The feeling is akin to the huge cavernous hole I would experience with the thought of expectation, a joyful event about to take place, a reunion of lovers, an anticipation of marvelous ecstasy.
The butterflies are a million. The energy persuasive and all-encompassing, as if heaven’s angels are all at once swirling within me, their wings stirring a golden dust of light.
I cannot move at times.
I cannot catch my breath at times.
And there seems to be no antidote.
I am slowly realizing that I am not meant to solve this riddle of love.
I am not meant to dislodge the love or give this love to one.
I am meant to embrace this love and welcome it. To say each morning: Welcome my angst. Welcome my calling. Welcome heaven’s voice. Thank you for letting me know I am alive. Thank you for letting me be your instrument. I welcome you with open arms. I embrace you. I walk with you for as long as you wish to be here. And I carry you for the world. This light seed. This watering can for the masses.” ~ Sam Craft, July 2012
We went to Mt. Rainier National Forest in the state of Washington, USA, yesterday.
I felt this unbearable love the entire drive there. I listened to music through my headphones and daydreamed of a forest glen, me as an elven princess, and of a charming knight. When we arrived at the basin of National Park I asked the heavens for a sign, for validation of this vast love I am carrying. Within minutes all the dark clouds began to disperse. Not long after, when I stepped out of the van, I turned, and this is what I saw.
This heart cloud was only there for a matter of seconds.
Later I asked for more signs. Greedy little girl I am…..because one heart in a beautiful clear blue sky was not enough!
I’ve always said that the angels have a sense of humor…. These are the signs I was given.
Signs on the path my family made for me and my youngest, so we could find our way to the end of the trail.
I am still learning to SPECIFY when I make requests for signs!
Hours later, as we finished our 5.5 mile hike, I looked up to the sky, and specifically asked for a sign to validate the overflowing love I have inside and to confirm one of my deepest desires (a desire which I shall not mention because I don’t have to–giggles and blushing)
And in an almost cloudless sky, another heart cloud formed right then and there above me.
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“Your truth speaks for those still listening for their voices, between the frayed and hanging stitches of their seams.” ~ My Aunt’s words to me
Oh, and here are my toes.
Tomorrow I shall post some lovely photos of the National Forest. Almost as lovely as my big toe. Or I shall share a silly slumber party poem that mentions the word shagging! Or both. Or something else. Isn’t life wonderful? All these choices. And toes…..glorious purple toes.
Everyday Asperger's 