Day 86: I Am Tree

These last four days have been life changing. The combination of the new medicine and diet for my health condition, the sunshine, and the companionship of a dear friend have pulled me out of a two month-long period of deep depression. I know now the depression was more than situational. Besides an uncomfortable experience at the university I’d been attending and the death of our beloved family dog, I discovered earlier this week that my vitamin D levels are extremely low, my iron levels still below normal, and my protein levels very low too! Throwing in my new hypothyroid diagnosis, and considering any one of the before mentioned conditions can cause exhaustion, I’m surprised I could even get off of the couch.

As I am emerging from the dark tunnel of fatigue and depression, I am celebrating internally—my spirit soaring and applauding. I am applauding a renewed energy. I am applauding my strength, endurance, and patience. And I am applauding my experience.

No matter the degree of challenge, I understand the past weeks have made me stronger in spirit.

I continue to be hopeful my health will improve. Yet, I am releasing control to my higher power.

Today, through the help of my friend, I created the mantra: I am tree.

I am a tree. And in being a tree I need not worry what will land on me, break me, climb me, peck me, burrow into me, or even cut me down. I only need to be a tree and nothing more. And I am perfect in my treeness—perfect in my being. Like a tree I will not fret and will not fight against the unknown. I will be. I will live. And I will grow.

I recognize I have slipped back into old patterns, or what I call my old mold. Just as the physical body sometimes retreats back to an old set weight, the spiritual body can retreat back to a set way of living. For me this old way of living includes a fear-based mentality and many moments of over-thinking. I am visualizing a new mold that benefits my spirit.

I recognize I have been attracting to my life much of what I have been fretting about. I recognize that by focusing on beneficial thoughts, I in turn will benefit, as will those around me.  I knew this before, but today I see my journey from a new vantage point.

In the coming days my hope is to continue practices of self-care and self-love, as I release control and let the seasons of my spirit unfold without struggle. I am tree. I will be. I will live. I will grow.

 

Day 85: You’ve Got a Friend in Me!

Photo found at http://endeavortodiscover.com/scienceportal.html

My friend that I have known for almost twenty years visited me this weekend from out-of-town. Here is a list of some of the things I learned about proper etiquette during our weekend together.

You’ve Got a Friend in Me

1. Don’t take your vegan friend to dinner at a seafood and steakhouse restaurant, even if the place has a very nice water view.

2. Don’t forget to put a hand towel in the guest bathroom for hand drying.

3. Don’t forget to buy a box of Kleenex, so you don’t have to hand your friend a roll of toilet paper when she is crying.

4. Don’t give your friend unsolicited advice about her relationship with her siblings, especially if you are an only child.

5. Don’t interrupt your friend in the middle of her serious talk by leaning across the dinner table, tugging gently on her long blonde hair, and saying, “You have such pretty hair! You look like Rapunzel.”

6. Don’t accept a wrapped present from your friend, examine the shape of the gift, and before unwrapping, proudly ask, “Is this a framed photo?”

7. Don’t interrupt your friend in the middle of a joke with the punch line, even if you are super excited that you figured out the end.

8. Don’t tell your friend that the guest bedroom gives you the creeps a little bit; she might have trouble sleeping in there.

9. Don’t tell your friend that the previous owner of the house you live in filled the guest bedroom with wall-to-wall china dolls, because your friend might insist you sleep in the guest room with her.

10. Don’t tell your friend you’ll sleep in the same bedroom as her to make her feel safe and then quietly tiptoe out when she falls asleep.

11. Don’t tell your friend your son sees the ghost of your dog in the guest bedroom and that you think it might be a portal to another universe; because your friend will opt to sleep on the couch, despite the new pillow and new sheets you bought for the guest bed.

12. Don’t lean in real close and ask your friend if she can see the small zit you feel growing on the tip of your nose.

13. Don’t read ten posts of your blog in a row at midnight to your friend, even if she is laughing hysterically.

14. Don’t ask your friend if she could please listen to one more blog post, after she has yawned and said she is falling asleep.

15. Don’t show videos that you posted on your blog as an alternative to reading more posts, your friend will become more tired and her eyes will begin to shut.

~ Love you “L.” You’ve got a friend in me!

 

 

Artist:Randy Newman & Lyle Lovett
Movie:Toy story

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you’re miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
Just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got troubles, well I’ve got ’em too
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you
We stick together and we see it through

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It’s me and you
And as the years go by
Boys, our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see
It’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

Day 78: I Sail On

I awoke with an awful anxiety. This I recognize as a pressure that cries to be released. Though there remains this fine line in what I truly want to pour out on these pages and what society expects, accepts, and wants.

In some ways I’ve turned this blog into another player in my game. This game I’ve played since I was old enough to know that if I was nice enough, funny enough, and interesting enough, people would pay attention to me. And in turn, if I exhibited too much honesty, was too revealing, or too straightforward, people would reject me, or worse, simply disappear.

A woman with Aspergers remains a constant actress. There is no escaping this. And to me this is the thorn of having Aspergers. I continually scope and evaluate. I look at others’ actions and responses, more so than many can phantom. Some of the observations breed questions, a continual whirlwind in my mind. I wonder the simplest of thoughts, such as what was the motivation behind that person’s comment to more complex thoughts of what is the motivation behind my writing.

My mind forms a tumble weed of sorts, spinning and rounding the field, pushing up dust and debris. The child in me watches in fascination, the driver, the one avoiding the tumbling of thoughts, tries best to steer away. Still in the distant, regardless of my view, the tumbleweed remains spinning.

Some might think: Write what you want. Who cares what people think.

If only I were so simple. If my mind worked in the aforementioned fashion, this blog wouldn’t be a blog about a woman with Aspergers. I guarantee that.

With Aspergers one of the biggest burdens is: Thinking about what you are thinking about me. It’s not narcissistic or selfish. It stems from wanting to be seen, be valued, be loved, and be recognized for who I am. It stems from not wanting to be misjudged, misinterpreted, misunderstood, ostracized, dejected, alienated, stabbed in the back and persecuted. It stems from a lifetime of recognizing I don’t quite fit in with the mainstream, and if I don’t learn the norms, the unspoken rules, and then pretend to a degree and assimilate, I never will fit in.

It comes down to the options of fake a little or break a little. And I’ve been broken. The little bit of faking leads to a little bit of guilt, and continued self-analysis and reasoning of how to be a better person.

In a lot of ways I am in a perpetual state of figuring out how to be a better person. I recognize I’m good enough. I recognize I’m beneficial. I love me. Those aren’t the issues. The issue at hand is trying to be seen by you in the same way I see myself. This barrier remains, this veil that divides us all, and how I long to merge with others and be entirely one.

http://news.bbc

At times, having Aspergers is a feeling liken to being an ugly duckling that transforms into the beauty of swan, only swan is wondering why ugly duckling was not good enough for the world. Why ugly duckling has to be swan to be loved.

I extrapolate there is much shame inside of me. This shame is a part of me. I don’t see shame as wrong or needing fixing. I don’t’ see any part of my life as wrong, wasted, or unnecessary, and certainly not bad.

The shame stems from wanting to be as authentic and real as humanly possible. Only in being human, I have a mind that wants to protect me.

I want to be a ship in the night that sails with all the other ships in a forging fleet across the ocean waters; I don’t want to be a lone ship. But if I am myself in total, I will likely be cast out to the rough waters, banished from the refuge of loving souls.

http://intheboatshed.net/

The fear arising today is a fear based on the future—a fear of not knowing which route to take, how to steer, where to go. I recognize this fear. I wave to it. I speak to it. And in so doing, I lessen fear. But the specks that remain speak volumes and still haunt me.

I have this spirit inside of me that both longs to share her soul and light but that also longs to retreat into a hovel where no one can penetrate my skin.

This fear rises in thought of where my writings are traveling. Who reads these words. And what is to become of these words.

My dream is to publish, whether through self-publishing or a literary agent. But this, I am certain is many writers’ dreams. I feel guilt in dreaming. A concept I don’t quite grasp.

Still I dream.

And in my dreaming I do find hope. In another reading these words, I find hope. And so I sail on; whether lone ship or in the company of masses, I sail on.

Day 76: The Blind Woman

I returned to the lab this morning to get my blood work done. Yesterday, I was turned away, because I’d not realized I needed to fast. Yesterday the lab’s waiting room had been crowded.

Today when I entered the room, there was no person in the waiting area but me.

Shortly after I sat down, a young lady escorted an elderly Chinese woman inside. I immediately noticed the elderly woman’s eyes. They were shut closed. The young woman led the blind woman to a chair, before she quickly exited to park the car.

For the time, it was only me and the blind woman. The woman was seated across from me about six-feet away. As I smiled out at her, I realized she did not know I was in the room.

I hesitated to speak. But I was compelled to make my presence known. Leaning forward in my chair, I offered the woman a gentle good morning. Then I wondered what had caused her blindness. Wondered why she had to have blood work done. And wondered, too, why her lids were so tightly sealed together.

There was only seconds between the time I said good morning and the time the woman took to respond. Upon hearing my words, she searched for me, her head slightly turning my direction. Again, I wondered.

“Good morning,” the old woman answered, with an inflection and spirit liken to a young person. And then, without pause, she continued. “I so, so, scared,” she said in broken English. “I so, so, scared,” she said again.

She placed her aged hand over her chest and flapped her hand repeatedly. “I no like when they put the point in me,” she confessed. She attempted a smile. Without the use of her eyes for expression, the rest of her—arms, mouth, head, wrinkles, shoulders—they all played their part.

She curled into herself and then used her hand to demonstrate a beating heart again. “I been here many times. No make difference. I still get so scared. I can’t help. I don’t like be here. So, so scared.”

I tried my best to offer her some comfort through my words. I don’t think she understood anything I said. But she smiled just the same. To be heard—she only needed to be heard.

Soon the young escort returned, and I was called in for my blood draw.

This blind woman was a wonderful gift.

In the few moments this woman had shared her truth, I had stood beside her in spirit. And as I stood by, I had recognized my own self in her. With my recognition, my own fears were temporarily lessened. In viewing our likeness, my own misgivings were decreased.

In being there, hearing her voice, and  recognizing our shared humanity, I understood this:

In an often obscured world we are each, in our own way, waiting for our voice to be heard.

Day 69: Until the Rain Came

Until the Rain Came  

by Samantha Craft, April 6, 2012 (Based on True Events)

I was an only child.  But I wasn’t a lonely child. I always had some type of friend; whether a cousin, a daughter of mother’s friend, a neighborhood kid, or an imaginary spirit friend, I always found company. Making friends was never an issue, before I hit puberty. I had a natural cheeriness and good nature, and downright quirky humor that kept people about. I was clever, too, creating skits and recitals on a whim, and performing for whomever would listen. I still appreciate the young couple, our landlords, we had for one year, when I was about nine, who painstakingly listened to me sing You Light Up My Life, whenever I saw them. I couldn’t hit the high notes of the lyrics without a terrible screech—still can’t for that matter.

Though I had friends, I was often alone in the afternoons after my three-mile hike home from middle school. I remember there was a pointy-teethed German Shepard that lived at the top of First Street. He growled at me whenever I walked by, and then darted out clanging his lengthy metal rope with him. It took a lot of courage for me to walk home. Not because of the ferocious barking dog but because of home itself.

Things had a way of following me from house-to-house, and I do me things, as I never did figure out what else to call them.  These things kept happening to me.

The things came to the upstairs duplex I occupied in Palo Alto. There was an afternoon when my babysitter and I were sitting on the living room couch and heard a circular sawing sound directly above our heads.  Only when we ran outside onto the balcony to see what the noise was, nothing was there. Confused, we walked back inside, but as soon as we sat back down the sawing sound began again. We spent the next several minutes playing a game of running outside to find the noise and then running back inside to hear the noise. No explanation was ever found. Soon, we lost interest, and as children do, turned our attention to afterschool television specials.

That same house is where I discovered my imaginary spirit friend whom I named Buddy One. To this day, I’m not sure if he existed or not. I do recall one time reaching up for a bottle of wine vinegar and losing my grip. The bottle came rushing toward my head, and then, somehow, the bottle moved in the shape of an L and landed gently on the kitchen counter. I remember televisions and phones going wacky and all fuzzy on occasion; and I remember how the faucet in my bathroom would turn on when no one was about. There were knocks at the front door at night with no one behind the door. After a couple of years of living on the property, between the occurrences and my continual nightmares and premonitions of our pets dying, Mother was spooked enough to have a priest visit with holy water in hand.

Later, in my teenage years, when I belonged to a local Catholic youth group, I’d attend meetings in an old yellow Victorian building that used to be a nunnery. That house always spooked me. I couldn’t use the bathroom there. And twice, when I entered the empty kitchen, the faucets turned on.

One of the creepiest happenings took place at my father’s in the Central Valley in California, when I was in college. Dad worked nights, so I was typically home alone. One late night, after I’d watched the Silence of The Lambs at a local movie theater, I entered the house spooked by the whole movie. I flicked on the television for comfort, and right after I turned the television on the stations started flicking from channel to channel, one after the other, nonstop. I couldn’t get the television to stop, even when I used the remote.

But of all the places I lived, the duplex at the bottom of First Street on the Monterey Peninsula was the scariest. The house had a way of calling things to it. It was during this time, during my middle school years, I had horrible nightmares of being speared with a stick and roasted over an open flame by demons. This was the time I’d wake in the middle of the night feeling as if something was pulling me down the bed. A time when I didn’t change my clothes at night because I was afraid of the darkness that came when I lifted my shirt over my head. A time I slept with the light on, the television on, and my nana’s rosary around my neck.

One day at the duplex, I remember a tall stranger came whom had claimed to be a painter. My friend Renny and I were sitting on the back deck, when he sauntered through the yard with a wide and even gait.  I can still hear the gate squeaking, the iceplant crunching beneath his boots and his deep voice clearing.

Stopping at the bottom step of the deck, the stranger had glanced across at us two girls with a cool smile and said, “Hello.”  It was a simple calling, as if he hadn’t a care in the world.  As if the backyard belonged to him.  It was Renny who moved first, sitting upright and giggling, blushing like the word Hello had been a compliment.

Inside of me, I felt a need to run, to escape.

“I was asked by the owner to paint the house,” he said.

Wanting to leave and go inside, I had tried to catch Renny’s eye, but she was too busy looking at the blonde stranger.

The man tapped his boot on the step and shifted his weight.  He was silent for the brief time he took to scratch his head and sink his hands into his overall pockets.  Then he looked out with a rather empty stare. “You two ladies go to church?”

“No,” Renny answered.

I was inches away from the doorknob.  “Sometimes,” I said.

The stranger leveled his eyes on Renny. “That’s interesting.”

“Not really.” Renny retorted.

“Don’t you think it’s time you made a decision to commit yourself to something other than yourself?  Now you two, let me guess.  It’s probably all about boys for you.  Am I right?  No time for God.  But plenty of time to do things you ought not to be doing.”

Renny’s red ears were poking through her hair.  She shrugged her shoulders at the man.  I remained frozen.

The stranger continued: “God isn’t something to take lightly.  Do you want to burn in hell?”

My toes felt numb. There was something terribly wrong with his tone, like he was trying to inch his way inside me with his words.  Watching Renny begin to tremble, I remembered back to my friend Jane, when we’d been beaten with the board.

I shouted, “We’re leaving!” and grabbed Renny’s hand.  Renny didn’t hesitate to follow.  We were through the backdoor quicker than the man could utter one more word.  And we left him there, good and lonely, not wanting a single thing to do with him.  About an hour later, after Renny and I had escaped inside my bedroom, I gathered enough nerve to look out the kitchen window.  The backyard was deserted.

Most days at the duplex, I got the sense I was being watched.  It was a terrible frightening feeling.  I can’t think of anything worse than the fear I had of entering that duplex. Nothing worse than fearing home: the one place that was supposed to be safe.

I spent most of my afternoons when school let out outside on the back deck, on our flat roof with the ocean view, or on the small front patio.  There was easy access to the roof. I only had to climb through our upstairs bathroom window.  Out on the patio, a space no larger than two pizza boxes set side-to-side, I’d watch television through the open front door or pull out our extra-long orange cord and talk on the phone.

One cloudy day I ventured inside the duplex to grab a snack.  I immediately did what I always did—I opened all the draperies, the front and back door, and clicked on the television.

While I was in the kitchen, rushing about to find something in a hurry, I heard a strange and unfamiliar sound. At first I thought the sound was coming from the television. Some haunted house event on Sesame Street. But the sound didn’t stop. It was a loud throaty breathing, a very scary sound, I will never forget, and can still imitate with a chill-rising tone. The sound was comparable to Darth Vader’s breathing, only more pressing.  I’ve only heard the breathing replicated once accurately, and that was when I was watching a ghost hunting show.

On hearing the breathing, I ran to the living room to turn of the television off. I couldn’t stand the noise. I wanted to jet out of the house. However, when the television was off, the noise remained.

I recall turning around frantically to find the source. Not believing the sound could still exist with the television off.  It was then, as I began to panic, I heard the sound again. This time right before me. Suddenly, in front of my eyes, a gigantic wall of static formed from ceiling to floor. The static hissed something terrible.

Trapped and cornered, I clamped my eyes shut. When I opened them, the static was surrounding me. The deep throaty breath pulsating through my entire being

As I trembled, I heard words, words that sounded as if they were filtered through a thick mask and felt tube-fed into me: “Get out! Get out! Get OUT!”

As if on cue, at the same time as the words Get Out were voiced, outside the thunder rumbled and the rain poured down. Fearing for my life, I burst forward through the static and dodged around the corner, sprinting out the backdoor at full speed.

Terrified, I screamed at the top of my lungs, and ran and ran up the hill. Finding myself a block up from the house, on the top of an unfamiliar flight of stairs, I leaned against an apartment door and wept.  Then without thought, I pounded on the door, still screaming.  A young man opened the door and brought me inside.

Ten minutes later, Mother arrived.  Taking me by the hand, she led me through the rain down the street and back inside the duplex.  Mother listened to my story but blamed the event on my over-active imagination. As twilight approached, she wouldn’t give into my screaming demands.

“Just go to bed and stop letting your imagination get the best of you.  If I let you sleep with me, what’s that going to teach you?  I’m doing this for your own good.”

My black-beaded rosary, a gift from Nana, was swinging around my neck. I held firmly to Mother’s doorknob.  “Please let me in.  I’ll be quiet.  I promise.”

“Let go of this door and go to bed!” she insisted.

“But the ghost, the ghost is in the house.  Please!”  I begged.

Mother pulled harder.

“Mother you don’t understand.  It was real.  I don’t want to be out here alone.  Please let me in.  Please help me!”

Mother shook her head and glared at me.

My hand slipped from the knob and Mother’s door slammed shut.

I ran downstairs, grabbed the phone, pulled on the cord, and ran outside to the small front patio.

I dialed my father.  Before I had spoken more than a few sentences, Dad suggested I stay at Nana’s house.

“Did Nana teach you the Lord’s Prayer?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Use it,” Father said.

“Okay.”

Father cleared his throat.  “You have to know something. Today I was staring at a photograph of you for over an hour.  I don’t know how, and this has never happened before, but I had this sense some evil force was attacking you. Your nana’s mother used to have dreams and sometimes she saw spirits. Last week a psychic told me to destroy a painting I’d made.  One with a gray house set up on a high hill.  She said to paint candles all around it because she believed it was a portal to another world. Anyhow, I painted the candles, and threw the painting away.  Right before you called.  I can’t believe this.  It’s very strange.”

Dad went on, for several minutes, explaining about how a spiritual group had recently tried to recruit him claiming they believed he had spiritual gifts.  Dad, never one to talk on the phone for more than a few minutes, quickly ended the conversation with some more nervous laughter and some pleasantries. Then, after wishing me luck, he hung up.

I sat on the patio listening to the dial tone for a long while, still wiping my tears, and twisting the rosary in my hands. I thought back to all the times before—the nightmares, the stranger, the unexplainable happenings.

I ran into the house, quickly grabbed the old afghan off the couch, and ran out to the backyard wooden deck.  I could sleep there, I thought, at least until the rain came.

© Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com

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