Day 214: Because I Am

I know who I am.

I have self-awareness. I see myself clearly. I accept myself.

I understand myself, as wild as I might be.

I know I am “good.”

I know I am light.

I know I have a purpose and a drive. I have a calling. I know my calling. And I follow my calling.

I know the difference between authenticity and pretending.

I know genuineness and pureness of heart.

I know suffering, deep suffering; and because I know deep suffering, I know your deep suffering.

I understand your pain because I have been in pain. I understand your joy, because I have known grand joy.

I do not feel separate from you or different; I feel as you; both of us souls on a journey of discovery.

I am light and can only love what is inherent beauty.

I see the light in everyone. I see it everywhere. And this adds to my sadness as it adds to my joy.

I see people walking in spirit. I see past the flesh and past the games that are invented by the lonely, lost man. I see past the visions that others paint in front of them in an attempt to hide. I see beyond their fears and happenstance, their intentions, motivations, and at times intended and unintended manipulation.

I see into the heart of man; and if I have to suffer to see so, then I suffer.

My mind is a miracle, a glorious miracle, and my heart even grander.

I love who I am in every aspect.

I have faced my shadows. I have faced the demons, the voices, the hauntings of mind and ghosts.

I have dreamed of the future and watched it unfold, and in so doing, stood in awe of the universe.

I have experienced life in the deepest capacity, at the deepest levels. I have lived.

I have watched my wishes come true. I have treaded through the darkest of days and come out stronger and self-sufficient. I am supported by myself. I have a companion in my own being. And I am supported by the angels, or spirits, or whatever is beyond our capacity to sense.

I feel energy around me from everything and everyone. I understand others in a way many do not yet understand.

I am humble. I recognize the pride in me and face this pride and gently release. I am insecure and recognize this too, embracing my beauty further, so insecurity may have a place to rest.

I am not ashamed of any part of me. I can speak my mind fully, my thoughts fully, and not wonder if I am being true to me. I am always true to me.

I can openly say when I am scared or frightened.

I am in totality. I am me.

I will be the first to say sorry and have no regret in doing so. I will be the first to say I love you with no intention but to say the words.

I don’t follow a guidebook to feel real. I follow my own book. And I get to write the present each moment.

I am genuine in my intentions. I constantly seek to be truth, to speak truth, to resonate truth.

I do not hunger for fame or attention. I do not hunger for success or material gain. I only hunger for peace and serenity.

I am truly gifted. I am gifted in my ability to live each moment as if it were my very testimony of being. I am gifted in my continual thoughts to be the most beneficial being on this plane of existence that I can be. I am gifted because I have no curtain. There is nothing to pull back and see. Nothing I hide. Nothing to take, expose, or corrupt.

I am hiding no secrets. And without secrets, there is no weapon anyone can use against me.

I embrace love, peace and serenity, and nearby is the continual quest for growth. I am growing.

I am worthy simply because I am.

Day 145: Three R’s of Self-Betterment

Wild for Wildlife and Nature

Perceiving myself as less than perfect and in need of much self-improvement, I questioned my ability as spiritual being. This is the response I received in prayer.  I offer this as yet another example of philosophical prose. Much Love, Sam.

The Three R’s of Self-Betterment

Some key points to remember: You are not expected to be perfect or take the path to perfection. You are not expected to do anything except to follow your higher self and your calling. There is no rule book or guidelines, or anyone standing on the sidelines hollering at you about what you shall, should, or should not do. This is the ego’s way of longing for perfection because “he” is blinded, this ego, in seeing you are already perfect in Source’s eyes.

There is not striving or driving toward perfection, only the careful awakening and harnessing of what is already whole and pure inside of you. There is not road to travel or path to take that leads in the “right” direction. Decisions are important to the extent you want the advancement of learning, in the relative limitations of time. Advancement is not necessary and not a “real” thing. You are already advanced in your thinking and doing. Only you have lost the key to recollection. Remembering and returning are thus much more vital and a necessity in comparison to advancement. However, even these two ideals, of remembering and returning are shadow existences, neither is necessary or required.

There are no rules, regulations, specifics or guidelines we can offer without blacking out the whole substance of who we are, how we exist, beyond these circumscribed restrictions. We can concede to reminders and memories, these we can do, but this is a fine line. There is not telling a soul how to be, when she or he is already shaped in perfection and wholeness. There is not telling a tree how to grow. We can nurture with sun, rain, love, weather, substance, and the like; these are beneficial. And thus, we nurture you in the same format. As bystanders providing from nature and space, from matter and substance, from the invisible life energy, what is needed for your growth.

Think of yourself as the oak tree. Do not question if your branches are thicker or mightier than that of a neighboring oak; do not question if you have what it takes within you to provide shade and shelter, to nurture the soil by digging your roots through the earth and dropping your leaves and twigs, by inviting natures’ creatures to bathe and strive beneath where you grow. Do not question when you will be tall enough to provide adequate shelter, adequate “goodness.” You are merely a tree set down to grow. Focus on nothing more than the growing, and in this you need not focus either. Because, as a tree grows with proper nourishment and adequate environment, as shall you grow.

And what about the trees that burn in the flames, the trees that are cut down in what is perceived as greed, or trees that no longer live in the same form but serve as structures? These survive in other form. There position and shape shifts, yet the essence remains. In this you have in common much. You shall shift shapes and positions, alter locations, thoughts, ideals, understandings, and yet the essence of you shall remain. And in this essence is pureness. You have little control of the way you will shift. Much less control than the ego would like to think. This disturbs some mentally, even emotionally, perhaps physically, but not spiritually in the true sense. Spiritually we each understand the shifting dynamics of the ever-changing universe surrounding us and within us. The stars transform. Once here, now gone. The universe expands, shapes remain in constant transformation. You are no less than the starts. You expand, shift, and remain in constant transformation.

Stagnation is only an illusion. Even in stagnant moments, these perceived times in the human life cycle where things appear to be stuck, not changing, not progressing at the speed required and insisted by the ego-centered mind, so much is changing. There is change in not moving, in not deciding, in simply being and processing the slowness of the change. You are like the bird in the egg during these times, receiving the nourishment needed in the concealment of an encasement of love. You are warmed by the universal spirit, never once left unattended. And in this encasement you are growing. To wish to crack the egg open, to come out fully grown and mature is a missed-understanding. Missed in the sense you have not yet seen the flash of enlightenment that explains this. Nothing is misunderstood, everything is miss-understood—simply missed as you stood under the essence and were not yet ready to grasp the concept. Nothing is explained or revealed or given to you before your soul is ready to receive. Everything is already answered and explained; the only barrier to understanding is your soul’s readiness. And in this way there is really no barrier at all, only a readiness.

So, at this, we will add to remembering and returning, the real existing ideal of readiness.

These are truly the 3 R’s: Remember, Return and Readiness. Erase from your jargon these words of perfection, improvement, role-model, and especially idealizing. You are no less perfect and equally no more greater than the man naked, dirty and crazed hiding beneath a bush. He is nurturing the world, this man, as much as the oak, only in ways society, that is most in society, have yet to see.

Lessons are certain, but we speak not of lessons now. We speak of this human need for perfection. Turn this to wholeness. Turn this to returning. To rediscovering. To remembering. To dancing in the light of your own being and essence. Beware those that dance in your light and lift you on high. Beware those equally that require you must dance in their light to feel loved. You require no such light. Not the self-serving light of blasphemy, neither the inward longing light of neediness. You require no such things. Only self, faith and love. The rest are non-existence. Whatever word you miss, be certain this a word for your self-betterment.

Here we linger on self-betterment. For what is betterment? Is this not another form of judgment and requirement, a hurdle and stride towards perfection? See, the words that remain close, that of self-betterment and self-improvement; (in the dictionary one leads to the other); though on close examination they are divided. To insist on improvement is to indicate imperfection. You improve a nose that is too big—indicating a flaw. You improve a house that is broken—indicating a weakness. You improve your aptitude, mental agility—indicating a need to move from ignorance to less ignorance. These all point back to a negative connotation, a false perception, that is then turned inward to false perception of self.

Better to use the word betterment. Not as the opposite of worse, but as the increasement of already solid, established, pure and “good.” Betterment is a powerful world. The sound is healing and sings to the soul. Compare this to the sound of “improvement,” the vibrations themselves digging into the being in search of unfounded flaws. Betterment is like a bell that rings out truth. You are working/learning towards a place of betterment. Where things are better; not improved—for there is nothing flawed, weak or ignorant about where you stand now—yet, there is a need for betterment, to feel better, to love better, to rejoice better. We need not improve these things of improvement that indicate a scale, in which you judge by number when this goal has been reached. When is it that I feel completely? When is it that I feel completely loved? When is it I rejoice effortlessly? At what number on the scale? There is no number to apply. My ten is different from your understanding of ten. Our minds perceive two entirely different understandings of numbers, and of the substance behind the number. How can I compare two experiences with numbers? This boggles the mind, no? Or perhaps not.

What is the ringing bells of betterment? Betterment is to take something that is already perfect and whole, but to open the eyes of this object this person to witness its own beauty. Betterment can be compared to the decorating of a Douglas Fir tree. The tree already perfected in nature is adorned in beauty. Betterment can be compared to adding one more blanket to a sleeping baby. The baby, perfected by nature, is now provided comfort by the mere adding of one more blanket. This is the process of betterment, to take what already exists and add to it, not to take something and fix it, destroy or break apart in order to rebuild and repair. There is not destruction in betterment. Only your word of improvement implies the need to break apart before rebuilding. This is why the word hurts you to hear.

(Here we examine the dictionary together.)

To make better is to excel or surpass. To grow better. It is synonyms to amend and compared to well. Make Better indicates superior of manner and a higher degree.

In comparison to improve is to make better a quality or condition. To increase in value. To become better. Though also synonyms with amend, involving the words to improve with amends indicates that the amends is required because of the quality or condition of the circumstance or person. Improvement requires something that is better than something that was previous. This previous is inherently thus so flawed or imperfect. Improvement indicates change and advancement—a hierarchy, a scale, a moving up beyond oneself or present condition to an advancement in position, emotional state, mentality, or physical aptitude. There is a living opposite to improvement, ever-present, for improvement cannot exist without something inferior that needs improvement.

There is no ever-present opposite to betterment. There is nothing that exists that requires betterment. Betterment implies things are already enough, though improvement of sorts (as they are so close in meaning) could bring growth, excellence, amends, and wellness. When we get better from a cold—we return to wellness. When we say things are for the better—this implies for the participants greater good. When we say he is better off—we imply because this event happened he escaped hindrances or hurts. Better implies a return, a return to balance and equilibrium. When betterment is spoken the mind does not immediately dissect what is a condition requiring improvement. When betterment is spoken the mind visualizes enhancement and improvement of what is already owned, true and of value. Get better soon implies a return to wholeness, to the equilibrium balanced state in which the individual began. Improve soon—serves not the same in intention. It is better to have loved…better exists in words of poetry.  You better not do that—this implies a warning to keep a person from circumstances that might cause some sort of harm.

The suffix –ment can be seen as a concrete result, the instrument or means, the process or action, the quality or condition.  Thus betterment is the concrete result, means or process of excelling and surpassing circumstances, in order grow better, make amends and view the being as well. Betterment includes superior of manner and a higher degree—this indicates the superior of manner and higher degree of ability one can view herself, her essence, her soul’s blueprint, the meaning of existence, the ways in which to bring your message to the world.

When the mind returns to evaluate life, what has processed, what has transpired, how one has grown and change, it is beneficial to view the journey as a betterment, for nothing about you was lesser before; only now you have gained a higher degree of understanding.

So when you ask me, Dear one, if you need to improve in order to assist others, I shout an adamant No! For you are already improved—you are already perfected. Continue your search to wholeness, to connecting the perfect part of yourself to the universe, to the collective, to your inner guidance and angels—betterment in the searching of what is already perfect, the connecting of pieces of perfection to make a union of wholeness. There is no improvement seen or understood. For it does not exist. Everything has come before; in what is past is neither perfection of imperfection, but simply the nurturing soil in which you are able to dig in your roots and in turn provide nurturing to the world. So go out thus and do not make yourself better—for you are better. But seek betterment, the enlightened state of reconnection, or remembering, return and readiness. When you reconnect, you shall remember. When you remember, you shall return. And in returning you shall be ready to reconnect, remember and return, again and again.  This is the cycle of life: nothing broken, nothing repaired, only the enlightenment of what exists but remains invisible for a flicker in time.

Sam Craft’s photos
Washington, USA


Day Thirty-Six: Sea Turtle Style


I’m once again on the verge of tears. Which, for me, isn’t that unusual. Though, in totality, I’ve likely cried 100 times more in these last two months than in the last few years. I’m upset and have gnawing-tummy pain.

The feeling stems from having had just left another message for the Dean of the College of Education at the university I am (I was?) attending. I’ve yet to be withdrawn from the class, even though I have decided to stop my course work. This leaves me in an unsettling position, without closure, and without finality. I’m an INFJ on the Myers Briggs test and an Idealist. What these personality traits boil down to is that I need !fricken! closure.

I’m so nervous inside. I’ve been waiting for the Dean’s phone call for over ten days. I was very social-rule-conscious about not calling her too much, after I received a slap in my self-esteem from one professor who told me my two (count them: two) emails stretched over the time of one week—seven days apart—we’re too frequent and urgent. ?? As loony as I think the professor’s judgment was, no matter, I’m hyper-sensitive about contacting anyone at the university.

I’m thinking it’s getting to the point that I ought to share what’s going on with you, only there’s a little part of me, probably Sir Brain, (as he is the push-over, and the token naïveté of my geek posse), who wants to not burn any bridges, not lay blame, and not rouse attention to the situation. LV is secretly hoping that we might attend a summer session at the university. Little Me, I’d like to magically transform into a sea turtle and swim off the coast of Maui.

No such luck.

I struggle with what I can share, what action constitutes grounds for taking care of myself and sharing MY story, and what is best kept in private. The dilemma in what to write in this blog all comes down to my tendency to over-share, and then eventually regret what came out. The hard part is not knowing if this Dean is going to be another authority-figure whose actions I interpret as inconsiderate, non-empathetic, and downright mean. I’m worried she won’t call, yet again, or that when she does call, I’ll be heartbroken. If you see two posts today, in your email inbox, consider me heartbroken.

I’m hoping for one post. I’m hoping the Dean’s call will be productive and positive. But in order to get my tuition back, I have to file a complaint. Or I could walk away silently (without expressing my concerns), withdraw, and be out the money.

Speaking my truth means putting other people in a bad light—which I dislike with a passion. I’ve always had a hard time disliking people, even people who might be considered as having done me wrong. I have trouble with understanding hate and retaliation. I understand extreme disappointment, agonizing humiliation, anger for circumstances, embarrassment, grief, and a host of other not-so-comfy emotions, but I don’t understand vengeance. If I had a little dab of vengeance in me, I figure I’d probably not have much trouble hanging out the truth of the situation.

Once, when I had to be a witness to a man standing trial, I couldn’t muster up any anger. Instead I felt sorry for him: the potential loss of his business, his embarrassment. And he was a man being accused by six women for misconduct, me being one of the victims. Still, I couldn’t feel anything but deep sadness for everyone involved.

I don’t consider this inability to have vengeful feelings a negative aspect of myself; I wish though, at times like these, I carried more of a warrior quality, and less of a wounded healer spirit.

Sometimes people say to let go, relax, give your worries to a higher power, take life day-by-day; sometimes I say those words to myself. The challenge is in having this brain. As I’ve shared, LV just doesn’t work like that. I choose not to medicate myself. I choose not to drink myself to oblivion. I choose not to partake in illegal substances. My body is too sensitive for most mainstream fixes. I can’t even have chocolate without zits or a full glass of wine without gastric pains.

I’ve tried (and still partake) in many alternative treatment plans—from acupuncture to supplements. Still, LV is always about. What works best for my mind (and body and spirit) is a good hot shower, keeping up with the house cleaning, exercise, yoga, sauna treatments, spiritual readings, solitude, uplifting music, healthy eating, getting out of the house and writing—those actions keep me running efficiently, without as much thought-clutter.

Only problem is, with university loose ends hanging over my head, I’ve had the motivation of a slug.

My husband is even worried. Which is stating a lot. He is that Spock-like type from Star Trek who deals with emotions about as often as I deal with revenge. For him to come out and tell me that he’s concerned about me, is saying something fairly vital.

So, as I’ve today, I’ve given myself a few ground rules. I know by putting the words in written form, smack in front of my face (and yours), I’ll hold myself accountable.

To Do:

  1. Start writing no sooner than 9:00 am.
  2. To do absolutely before I write: shower, morning chores, green-tea (shower and tea cuts down on physical pain)
  3. Check blog once in morning and once in evening, only.
  4. Partake in at least one of these each day: sauna, yoga, walk, or swimming.
  5. Take pool aerobics at least once a week. (Be a sea turtle!)
  6. Read spiritual books once a day.
  7. Call someone other than husband a few times a week.
  8. Partake in what I enjoyed before my diagnosis: coffee shop, second-hand stores, nature walks, educational classes, matinée, etc.
  9. Re-explore all the writings I scribed as a spiritual counselor.
  10. Be present and avoid sugar.

Right at the time I wrote number seven, one of my very best buddies called me from California, and she is booking a flight for a visit with me in April! I love how the universe works. Going to follow my rule number three right now. Look forward to touching base soon. Time to crawl out of my shell and face the world again—sea turtle style.

Sea Otter Taken on a Recent Boat Trip