Day 94: Samtastico the Avenger’s Gobbledygook and Missing Slipstream Download

Sometimes I am an intense painter opening the art gallery doors to the crowds; only to observe the patrons scratching their heads in confusion at my masterpiece that I have come to slowly realize resembles an abstract of a close up donkey butt.

Free Wallpaper at

Sometimes I am a self-inflated preschooler that longs to share hygiene facts, like the garlic cream I rubbed on my shoulder to try to erase these weird skin growths I’ve acquired since occupying the dark and humid northwest.

Sometimes I am an overloaded sponge of thoughts and images pounding my head in rapid procession into the pinewood computer table.

Sometimes I am a teary-eyed poet dripping my melancholic prose across the space called cyber.

Today I am Crazy Frog rocking out and longing to paint a donkey butt abstract.

Be Happy. Sing with Me, now!

By the end of this prose you will be one of the privileged few people in this universe that understands the title of this post. This understanding will gift you with undeniable powers to peruse through almost any of my other writings with a knowing nod of recognition and sympathy. Welcome to the Sam Zone!

One of my blogging pals, a cool male kindergarten teacher and natural poet, calls my writing Samtastic.  Sometimes. Well, at least twice. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve written ninety-four posts and he has only used that word two or three times. What is that percentage?

Regardless of the stats, the word Samtastic is part of the reason I contemplate changing my legal name to Sam. How cool to have the mantra: Samtastic. I’d add a letter O to the end though, to make the word pseudo-Italian. I dare you to say Samtastico without a smile and without moving your hands in gesture. Anyone craving calzones smothered in mozzarella besides me?

Those that have been reading my prose—aka: contemplative poetry, quirky tales, vivacious rambles, verbose lists—have likely heard mention of The Geek Posse. Well, they’ve been collaborating in a Samtastic way to assist me in reaching conclusions about my little life. Go team brain!

The collaboration is akin to having an extended coffee chat with a dear friend, laughing and crying hysterically together, and then sharing that mutual glow of having just solved all the world’s problems in one sitting! Only with the Geek Posse, the participant is just solo-me and select spheres of my brain.

With the help of the posse, I’ve recently realized (probably nine weeks later than my longtime faithful reader: aka George) that in the passing months, I inadvertently ventured into a warped time zone, and magnificently morphed into Asperger’s Woman: Avenger of all Things Aspie!

See my little cape? It’s red and blue starred with purple zigzags and lemon drops.

I’m finally coming out of a tailspin into Aspie Land and realizing my life is much more than Aspergers.

Amazing. I know!

This decreases my abstract donkey-butt longing from boil to simmer.

Sidetrack: Many Literary Advice Books ardently advice would-be authors to not use adverbs too often. But the combined ly letters intrigue me. The books also warn not to ramble, go off tangent, and use made up words. That’s why I burned all my writing manuals and used them as a source of heat when we had the three-day power outage during January’s snowstorm.

Back to the Geek Posse, two days ago, while fasting and listening to mantras, guru me had a wonderful series of images flash through my mind regarding my association with Aspergers. I call this experience of seeing images fly, flap, and belly flop across my mind: downloading. During downloading, I receive information, possibly from galactic powers, angels, or intelligent interactive bacteria. It’s quite a Jungian experience, liken to the collective unconscious slipstream propelling me forward in extremely vivid thought.

This time after downloading the information and reading the words to myself, I heard a very serious female voice, similar to Captain Kathryn Janeway from the Starfleet Starship USS Voyager.

Look What I Found! Totally Unrelated and Totally Awesome!

Sidetrack: How do I know Captain Janeway’s voice? Remember I married a science major, a euphemism for smart geek who likes all things Trek-like. Remember, too, I have Aspergers, so I was rather clueless about what a science major really meant beyond the periodic table. The same cluelessness I had about three boys equaling perpetual dirty area under toilet.

Awesomeness in Geek Format!

Sidetrack: I just looked up Fun Facts about the Periodic Table and there was nothing fun at all. Just a bunch of confusing questions, like: Which is the lightest element with an atomic symbol that is also a US state postal code? Really? That’s fun?

I also found Periodic Table Puns like:

What do you do to flowers? Platinum

What a doctor does to his patients – Cur ium, Hel ium, or Bari um

I’m still trying to decide if this means the doctor is giving a barium enema or burying them. One of my superpowers is the ability to crack myself up, and I guess also composing downloaded prose from beyond and hearing the voice of female space captain. Hmmm? And they let me teach children.

Tomorrow, I’ll read some more of those Periodic Table Fun Facts before I write, so I can be in a serious mood when I introduce the downloaded slipstream. For now, all the serious parts of me Argon. So be good until tomorrow. Because I’ve got my ion you! HeHe (2 isotopes of helium).

Samtastico Quiz. Pass or fail. If you can now understand the title of this post you pass. If not, at least you learned a barium joke!

I wonder if this person is one of my followers. That would make sense.

Day 70: Eleven Rabbits I Don’t Want to Be

1. The Glowing Green Rabbit

The glowing green rabbit is named Alba. She is an albino rabbit that was inserted with the gene that causes jellyfish to glow. She has no skin pigment. She is white with pink eyes but glows when illuminated with the correct blue light. Even though there are no side effects, and Alba is healthy and gentle, I wouldn’t want to be injected with jellyfish-glow.

2. The Other White Meat

I don’t want to be raised as an elite expensive meat or considered a low cholesterol, lean protein that tastes like chicken. I’d live to be about ten weeks old and then killed by a sharp blow to the head behind the ears, while being dangled upside down by the feet.

3. Little Rabbit Foo Foo

Known as a bully, Little Rabbit Foo Foo is the main character in a popular, light-natured children’s song. Nice to be famous, but the idea of repeatedly scooping up field mice and bopping them in the head sounds tedious and exhausting. Not my idea of fun. And since I don’t always behave, I’d surely be turned into a goon.

4. Bunnicula

The character in a grade three level fictional book, Bunnicula is thought to be a vampire bunny. She sucks the juice from vegetables. The harmless bunny has fangs and strange eating habits. I don’t want to be a rabbit in a story that begins on a dark and stormy night. And I don’t want to suck vegetables.

5. An Isle of Portland Underground Mutton

On the Isle of Portland in Dorset England the word rabbit is a taboo. Rabbit represents bad luck on this isle.  In the earlier times, during the quarry industry, quarry men would see rabbits emerging from burrows right before a rock would fall. Rocks killed and injured workers. To avoid bad luck some substitute rabbit with words such as long ears and underground mutton.

6. Energizer Bunny

This marketing mascot for Energizer batteries confronts film villains like the Wicked Witch of the West, King Kong, Wile E. Coyote, and Darth Vader. He’s been on the go nonstop since 1989. He likes hot air ballooning. The thought of continually operating indefinitely, being donned head to toe in pink, with uncomfortable sandals while banging a drum nonstop, isn’t appealing. Despite the fame and cool sunglasses, I don’t want to be a big balloon in a parade or a vernacular term for something that continues endlessly. That sounds like pure hell.

7. A Killer Bunny

The mutated cavernous rabbits in the 1972 Horror Film, Night of the Lepus, attack a small town in Arizona. I don’t want to eat people. I don’t want to be a murderous icon of the 70’s horror cinema era where a herd of killer something was always on the approach. Nor do I wish to be jeered and mocked by night-time dwellers on the Internet cursing one of the most ridiculous horror movies ever made.

8. Hare 

No matter how you tell the story, in Aesop’s classic tale, The Tortoise and the Hare, the hare is the disgraced, self-righteous, prideful, and arrogant loser that falls asleep during a race.

9. Mr. Bun

Mr. Bun is a stuffed rabbit that belongs to Susie Derkins in the infamous Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strips. Calvin does not like to play with Mr. Bun. The stuffed toy is frequently forced to partake in tea parties with Susie. He is considered only a stuffed rabbit and comatose. Mr. Bun is feasibly Susie’s only friend.

10. Genetically Furless Rabbit

I don’t want to be naked, genetically mutated, and locked indoors to avoid sunburn. Nor told by researchers that I’m more comfortable without my fur than other rabbits with fur because of the Southern Texas climate. I’ll keep my fur and dignity, thank you very much.

11. A Chocolate Bunny

I don’t care if you eat me head first or feet first, either way you are munching on my body parts and devouring me. Leftovers are melted down for fondue or found by sniffing dogs.

Added by popular demand! The Killer Rabbit from The Holy Grail (Although that looks fun!)