I’ve named my new laptop Samantha Craft II. It’s not narcissistic, if that’s what you think, because Samantha Craft is my blogging name. Which only makes me pseudo-narcissistic.
I’m reporting to you from the comfort of my living room couch. I’ve removed myself from the dungeon of our study—a box-of-a-room with no windows, set in the center of our daylight basement. Daylight is not literal. I live in Washington State.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to have the office space, and a room that is entirely dedicated to computers, books, and piles of mundane paperwork. But with the surfacing of my vampire-like traits, (since moving here), my windowless office exaggerates my radically pale complexion and morbid (but intriguing) thoughts of luxury coffins.
I will be visiting my huge iMac computer (that I adore) soon. But for now, I write in blissful comfort. Truth be told, I do, in a slight way, feel like I’m cheating on my virtual iMac boyfriend. Though, I think I’d like to make my laptop a girl, only because we need more female energy in this house; and my laptop could feasibly be my new “Get up and go Gal,” since my best friend, who lived the next door over, moved to Connecticut!
I’m still suffering from abandonment issues. Sigh.
I am officially a lounge lizard. My tongue feels longer. I thought of posting a photo of my tongue, because it is substantially long and I can almost touch the tip of my nose. But who knows what type of weirdos are out there, what they might conclude. I don’t want anyone thinking I have a big, long nose!
(When I first wrote the sentence above, I accidentally substituted knows for nose. I crack myself up to no end.)
I sense Crazy Frog popping in with his quirkiness—something about wanting to make the laptop an actual female lizard and his potential mate for life.
I do sense this laptop has feminine energy. Although, I’m noticing the word feminine bothers me. Mainly because I’ve been indoctrinated with all of those feminine napkin commercials and advertisements since birth! Anyone else harbor word-issues as a result of massive advertisement campaigns?
I’ve discovered I’m not so strange after all! According to Live Science in cooperation with Scientific America, people are prone to assign a gender to inanimate objects and people see odd numbers as male and even numbers as female. Take that! You mental health professional of the past who raised a brow at the fact that number three IS a male! Seems I’m not such an odd duck after all. Or rather we are all odd ducks together.
By the way, if you Google feminine napkins, a lot of information about Cooties shows up!
“Disposable menstrual pads grew from Benjamin Franklin’s invention designed to save soldiers with buckshot wounds.” Who knew!
This YouTube has an inappropriate word at the end. I just pretended I was at a comedy show.
My feelings aren’t so far off the mainstream when the whole feminine napkin icky-feeling-word is concerned. In a research study, mentioned in Psychology Today, when a package of cookies in a shopping cart was touching a box of feminine napkins, participants viewed the shopping cart significantly less desirable, when compared to the other participants who had viewed the cart where the two packages were not touching.
More on Feminine:
While learning French in high school, and again in college, I was fascinated that the English language does not use gender nouns; and more so in awe that other languages do have gender nouns. By the way, I can only speak ten French words now and translate the one English sentence “I only eat the vegetables” into French.
In English all nouns are neutral and the gender is shown through the form of the word. However, in a quick review of some gender-based nouns, I’m realizing that oftentimes the female counter part is not used at all or implies a derogatory statement.
Take these for example:
actor – actress (Actor is used often for both.)
bachelor – spinster (Spinster…such a nice word.)
billy – nanny (Have you ever hired a billy?)
bull – cow (We eat the cow.)
dog – bitch (No explanation needed.)
leopard – leopardess (Is that the sexy term for leopard?)
peacock – peahen (I’ve been calling all those females peacocks!)
Martin Le France (1410-1461), Public domain. From: W. Schild: Die Maleficia der Hexenleut, 1997.
According to Maxson J. McDowell,
(Is that a cool name or what? Oh! That’s my iMac’s name! Yes, it is. Starting now.)
According to Maxson J. McDowell, trolls and witches represent repressed or split-off feminine.
That’s encouraging. (Sarcasm). Does that mean when I lose aspects of my feminine self I become a witch or troll? If that is the case, then I am firmly sticking with Princess Vampirette Abyss. Watch out ladies. Keep painting those fingernails, dying that hair, buying those push up bras, plucking those brows, shaving those pits—don’t turn into a troll.
My idea of feminine? On the Internet I found images of big busts, hour-glass figures, Marilyn Monroe, flesh, flowers, pale-skin, big lips…
Personally I like the YouTube I found of feminine burping collection. Although now, I swear my coffin-study, that I’ve now returned to, smells like pickles and beer.
Don’t blame me! You signed up for this!
Everyday Asperger's 
Enjoyed the post; the video of the women burping was excellent! It is helping me through this waiting time with Dad in the hospital. I am staying home right now and sending updates and handling calls.
The video, back to that, made me realize that these women would all, I think it is Germany, would be loved, as, in that country, it is/was considered an expression of appreciation to belch at the end of a good meal.
Keep in touch about your father. Glad you liked the burping. 🙂 Sam
lol…this is funny…i like that ‘comedy show’ 🙂 really strange why we feel that way when a newly bought and unopened pack of feminine pads is placed beside a box of crackers or bag of biscuits…we go ewwww…lol…i might not even like to eat a cracker from that box or a biscuit from that bag…ha ha…
…nice one, Sam! 🙂
I liked the comedy show, too. I know, strange, isn’t it? Thanks for the comment. 🙂
i enjoyed this
🙂 Super. I enjoyed writing it. Wasn’t what I set out to write. But never is. lol Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Sam
The irony is I feel embarrassed to buy “feminine” products, but feel empowered when I buy condoms… There is something seriously backwards about that (despite being married with kids). I think it stems from calling them things like “girlie stuff” when I was a kid. We never said the word “tampon” or “pad” especially not in front of my dad. Even now, after seven years of marriage, I have a hard time using the proper words when talking to my husband about the shopping list. I try to use the correct and anatomical terms for the sake of my kids, but it still makes me uncomfortable.
🙂 Great comment. Very interesting. I don’t think I use the words either. I say I need “those things.” Thanks for sharing. You made me smile. 🙂
I tend to do that. Make people smile that is, I rarely find myself interesting.:)
There is a blog post in my feminine story. I keep my lady supplies in the hall closet in a slim pull out drawer. About a year ago, as I slept in one morning, my son found the drawer emptied it and used the product to create and enormous number display. I was mortified!
I tried to pick up, only to be met by hysterics. He wanted to keep his special “number sticks”. My well meaning but oblivious husband tried to distract him by suggesting that the two of them take different colors of “number sticks” down stairs to see which ones would hold more water.
I am not kidding.
I was completely appaulled and not ready for the incessant “number stick” interrogation I would receive from my son if I discussed the mteer more.
I shooed the two of them downstairs and hid my lady supplies far away. Heh!
🙂
Lori
It may be embarrassing, but just think of the story you can tell his future fiance!
Laughing out loud. Is there a story on your blog about this? If so, give me the link. If not, a must write! Too funny! Thanks for the laugh. Your husband’s response was hysterical. lol 🙂 Hugs, Sam
OK! I am just laughing. I cannot even comment. My brain is full of laughing bubbles. Hee hee
Wait, I can say I am SO jealous! I want an iMac computer, now I am crying. Now I am laughing, now back to crying I am totally premenopausal. back to laughing. 🙂
Thanks for all the giggles. You are contagious. 🙂 Thanks for all the marathon reading you just did of my posts! Wow. Look forward to hearing from you soon, and seeing more of your great words. Bubbles of light. And if I wrote “hugs” before, sorry, I forgot. Sam 🙂 Your vampire friend!
I try to catch up on my reading while the kids are preoccupied. I mange to be able to read in droves when undisturbed! Oh, yeah and my mind is going a mile a minute because I am on vampire time. HA! Hee hee
Yea! Bubbles. 🙂 Now I have to get the kids ready for bed.
OMG You are right i did sign up for this and not on gun point…can you belive it..
you rock Sam..every post of yours is just brilliant
and going by the hourglass=feminine..i dont know what is my gender..
i have afunny incident i went to a grocery store and picked up stayfree( abrand of sanitary pads) and at that time my daughter was 10. and cos she picked up talking late she was too eager to share what she knew so i am standing in a queue and my lil one decided her mom needs some course in whats new so she began in front of every one mommy sanitary pads are for adults,stay free is not good doesnt give you full protection …and on and on and on..
anyways she did stop and i clapped and said wow you are a master now lets go..of course i didnt look back or at anyones face i am sure some were looking at me with sympathy and some just thinking if child is this crazy than how crazy is the mom
kids i tell you
absolutely loved reading this post fun and humour at its best
hugs n love 🙂
That’s a fantastic story. I love hearing about your daughter. What a gem she is! Funny. Made me smile and laugh. Hugs, Sam 🙂
lol. Please write some of these stories on your blog. They are fantastic. Your daughter is such a cutie! Glad you liked the post–feminine products is a hard one to sell — unless it’s that time of the month. LOL Okay. I better not drink coffee anymore. Hugs. 🙂 Sam