Day 215: Why You Don’t Want to Date Me

Why you don’t want to date me…

1) Well first off I’m married, and that can get complicated; and my husband has a black belt in a particular branch of martial arts, which I can’t spell tonight. So it would be a surprise attack.

2) I used to sing a song about my grandmother’s boobs when I was younger. I taught the song to my younger cousin. We would stuff our shirts with socks, cup our hands over our chest, and sing together: “Grandma’s little boobies go boom, boom, boom, boom. Grandma’s little boobies go boom, boom, boom!” It was a favorite party song. I choreographed the whole thing. On the first line our hands would shoot out in front of us. On the second stanza, we’d drop our hands down with each boom, until they almost touched the floor. Grandma’s boobs weren’t little, still aren’t. Don’t know why I called them little to begin with. But sometimes I still sing the song. Only now I’m crying in the mirror. (Don’t ask me how this is related to dating. It just is. Boobs are always related to dating.)

3) I get super excited. Just ask anyone who has ever taken a walk with me. I like to process when I walk. I like to process even more when I am first getting to know someone. I always apologize for my rambling. And I always get the same half-smile and bewildered eyes, in response. People usually say, “It’s alright.” But I secretly want them to tell me they really enjoyed all my insights. That has yet to happen.

4) I am a very picky eater and will stress over where to go out to eat. Then when I finally decide where I want to eat, I will take forever to decide between the three things on the menu that I might like. I discuss the pros and cons of each particular appetizer. I analyze the menu and point out to the waitress misprints and errors. I question the authenticity of the food description. I try to remember is it farm raised salmon that’s better or wild. I interrupt patrons to ask what they have ordered, and if it is indeed any good. I will taste your food from your plate without asking, especially mashed potatoes. I try to help people. Once I interrupted a couple and said: “Based on your conversation, it sounds like your grandson might have Aspergers.” No worries, I introduced myself first. The grandpa wasn’t too thrilled. I heard him say: “Boy, that lady has got some big ears on her!” I didn’t take it personally because my ears weren’t showing.

5) I will ask you many questions, such as: Is there anything in my teeth? Do I look bloated? How much do you think this would cost to make at home? Do you like the food? Are you full? Did you get enough to eat? Do you want dessert? Do you know soda is bad for you? Are you having a second soda? How are you going to work off all that soda? Are the refills free? Did you leave enough for the tip? How much? Are you sure? What do you think of the waiter’s personality? Would you hire him? Can I have the rest of your potatoes? Want to guess what color I’m thinking of? Will you guess the number? Did you have a good time? Do you like me? Do you think I’m pretty? Why?

6) As a former teacher and mother of three energetic boys, I am programmed to play games for survival. While we are waiting for our food, I will likely engage you in a game of hangman, connect the dots, I-Spy, and guess the animal I’m thinking. Electronics are not allowed at the table, as I require your full attention. And it is important to follow all my rules. And don’t even try watching television. Before we sit down in a sport’s bar, I will make certain there are no televisions in your line of vision, as to not take away from our time together. Of course, I would question why you were taking me to a cheap sport’s bar to begin with.

7) I am not a meat eater, and haven’t been since 1984 (the year I was born). So, if you ask me to help you cut your meat, especially ribs, I will try to use a butter knife and the ribs will fly across the table and plop on the floor and people will stare. But you will likely cut your own ribs, and I will give a look of disgust and tell you that I hate meat breath. Then I might, depending on my mood, remind you of one of the many documentaries I have viewed. I might even write the name down for you on a napkin. I will then eat your mashed potatoes when you are not looking.

8) I will compliment you. I will tell you have nice eyes or a nice smile, and mean it. I will likely compliment the restaurant staff, as well. Then I will stare at parts of your body that don’t look perfectly to scale. I will point out the facial hair that needs to be shaved, the rouge eyebrow hair, the freckle that looks questionable, the blemish, the grey hair, the wrinkled shirt, the old shoes, the nostril hair, and whatever else catches my attention. Unless you are a stone statue perfectly carved, I will find something to wonder about. I will obsess that perhaps you have a terrible disease or are allergic to something, and that is why there is a pimple on your neck. I will point out the bug bites on your arm. I will try to memorize your face, close my eyes and reopen them, and see if I can remember your hairline and freckles. Most of this I will do in my head and not say aloud. So I will be sitting there preoccupied, with a weird expression on my face, and one eyebrow raised high, and not listening to a word you are saying.

9) I will have to guess the amount on the bill. I will say, “Wait, wait, wait, let me guess!” Then I will calculate everything we consumed and add the totals up in my head, including tax. Then I will proclaim my guess. If I am within a dollar, I will smile so proudly. If I am wrong, I will go back and justify my answer, figuring out something I forgot, like the price of your soda. I will blame you for my error. Then I will lean over your shoulder to make sure you leave a twenty percent tip or higher; unless the service was terrible, then I will insist you leave fifteen percent exactly. If the waiter is exceptional, I will ask to speak to the manager about the wonderful service. I will tell the waiter first how great he is. And ask you to agree and nod. Then I will double-check the tip. I will still be worrying about the tip by the time we reach the car, and ask you to verify we calculated correctly. I will then ask if you remembered the boxed leftovers on the table, and ask you to go back and get them. I will complain if you have to use the bathroom, as I am tired, and want to go home.

10) You will be in shock, because on the first and second date, I was on my best behavior.

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47 thoughts on “Day 215: Why You Don’t Want to Date Me

  1. Well having read this I’ve discovered two things… my wife must have half Aspergers, if these are all unique to the ailment… and the second thing… I definitely don’t want to date you… the last time I got mixed up with a black belt he was half my size, but kicked my butt… we would go well together in certain lines… I hate mashed potato, so as long as you order something you don’t like that I do we can share… I don’t drink so we would never be in a sports bar… If you could see all the sun blemishes and scars etc I have you would never eat if you’re going to wonder and discuss them… but the biggest reasons.. I’m married and if you were born in 1984 then you’re younger than my youngest child, and I would then be cradle snatching…
    But my biggest worry is that you begin singing the song and it’s not about your Gran but about me…

    1. You made me laugh aloud with your last line!!! Great morning chuckle thanks. 🙂 And the 1984 was a BIG TIME joke. That’s the year I became vegetarian in High School….but that really dated me, so I cheated in words. hehehe Loved your comment. So fun and such a great sense of humor. I’ve never met a 1/2 Aspergers person, but I’m fairly certain my husband might be, too, now that I know 1/2 ones exist. 🙂 Sam

  2. Very funny…..(1984? year you were born?????….I’ll just let that one go…)

    I am the same way about “choice of restaurants”…..I obsess over that. Before going to Baltimore on that business trip for a week earlier this month, I studied “Urbanspoon” and Zagats…to make sure I knew where to go…that I could find stuff on the menu that would be ‘ok’. Thank goodness for online menus! (though, it’s Ronda who will ask other diners in the restaurant how their food was…I am too shy to do that with strangers)….

    Oh…and “sports bars”? Ronda and I go to one to watch HER New Orleans Saints football games….and, believe me, they are NOT “cheap”….

    anyway…regardless…i still think it’d be fun to go out with you sometime! We’d have fun….

    1. Yes I was born in 1984! Just don’t ask me my age, because it’s too early to do the math. lol. What does that make me, anyhow? In my late 20s or early 30s–either way is cool, don’t you think? I just look old for my age. And I had my kids super, super young. hehehe.
      I studied menus before we went to Maui, and planned where to go for each meal…but that was our first trip four years ago. Our last trip I was much more laid back and actually didn’t start worrying about a meal until an hour or two before, and only collected two menus. 🙂
      You’re right, sport’s bars can be pricy. But all that noise, would make a terrible first date for me.
      Yes, it would be fun to go out sometime….and I’m actually quite well behaved most of the time. 😉 Sam

  3. Oh Sam, it is always a joy reading your posts. And through reading, i realize how afraid i have been over getting close to others, especially with our Asperger’s trait of feeling the need to talk about a subject we are interested in. I am very happy that you can share your world with someone else, while having so many things that have to be precise, which can cause a lot of anxiety along the way. In my mind, the thought of someone taking a genuine interest in me to the level of going on a date, has scared me, maybe because i never thought i could deserve someone who loves me for me, but i am giving it a try online. It is amazing how much can change from high school and college, especially with those people you want to be so convinced that they are “good” friends, though were more like energy suckers from the way they talked and how naive one can be to stay loyal. Honestly, i think you have a lot of great qualities, and as long as you accept them, i am confident others can appreciate and understand why you do the things you do. Love and hugs Soul Sister.
    ~Maya
    P.S: I will always believe in you.

    1. Yes, so much changes from high school to college. I only had two good friends in high school. My best friend (whom I copied) and my boyfriend (whom I was dependent on). Everyone else scared me. I think online dating is a fine idea. You have so much to offer a person. If you are comfortable, keep me posted. Would love to hear about the journey. Just meet in public places and don’t give out any personal information. (That’s the big soul sis in me talking.)
      I did go overboard with this post. This isn’t “typical” me, but what I have done at one point or another during a dinner date or while eating out. It was fun to write and review all my behaviors.
      I accept me in completion. I can be very fun. And most of the time I can “fake” it in public now, so no one is the wiser! Except the staring part, and checking out while thinking about freckles, and the tip, and stealing food….lol 🙂
      Hugs to you doll ~ sam

  4. Well we could date each other since this is so aligned with all my specifics too!! It’s not a surprise exactly – but still!! My husband is even into TaiChi and ‘Push-Hands’ … 🙂 The only variations here might be – I don’t do the math (bills).. never interested much in guessing or anything related…and wasn’t born in 84 (but don’t think you were either??) 🙂 OH – and not so much for the pre-meal games – but will want to engage some other exciting way. This was so great Sam — gave me some good spells of laughter (which much needed with the way things are going over here in pain-land).. Hope you are hanging in today !! xxoo Your SS Robyn

    1. We would be a perfect date for one another…and I don’t have to play those games…that was mostly a joke…I did play them for years, though. Yes, and you were born in 1982, I think, right? So glad to give you some laughter. And sorry for the pain….you know I can relate. I am finding if I don’t eat I feel so much better….that’s an easy way to go through life—not. Huge sea sis hugs to you, pretty lady. xoxoxo

      1. Wow – I’m even in agreement with the eating. Family yells at me all the time that I don’t eat enough and often don’t eat anything till 3 pm (other than a gluten free cracker with almond butter and water)… but like you, feel better that way. Has been found I have defective pancreatic ducts and since gb surgery spastic bile ducts – so i thought maybe that..? Yes – 1982 …me TOO! We will need a date for sure!! xo Love u!

    2. We have much in common!!! I like raw almond butter on a rice cake…maybe will try it on cracker. I can eat organic dark chocolate with a handful of raw almonds in the morning, and be okay. 🙂 Then I eat about 4 or 5o’clock my main meal. I might to a light salad mid-day, but that can make me have pain, too. 🙂 Hugs.

  5. I laughed out loud when I read this, because as usual you’ve been able to pinpoint the Asperger’s traits to a tee 🙂

    1 and 2 don’t really apply in my case, but I’ve definitely done 3 and I’m known for 4. I tend to try to limit 5 to family members but I have been known to inflict it on friends too! 6 isn’t really me but 7 is very appropriate. I’ve been vegetarian since I was born, in 1983 😉 and am highly principled about it, and will, if not restrained, lecture people on the things that are in their food. I read the sentence “Then I will stare at parts of your body that don’t look perfectly to scale” in 8 and laughed in horror and recognition, because I do this allll the time, also in my head, and probably also with a weird expression!

    I’m interested in how you and your husband ever managed to get together, given the nine things on your list that don’t involve him 😉

    1. So great to know others are out there just like me!!! Laughed in horror…oh, my…..at least there was laughter. Thanks so much for your fun comment. Great to hear about your experience and how it relates. 🙂 Born in 1983, hey??? lol. Sam

  6. Ha ha! I just found your blog today and this was hilarious! It’s so great to read something that I actually get (I don’t understand most jokes, and vise versa, I’m sure)!

    Also, number 8…yikes! I can relate with a lot of this post, but 8 had me rolling in laughter! I’m a recently-discovered Aspie and never knew what I was doing wrong before; now I at least know that some things should never be said out loud, no matter how close the friend (or more likely, how close I think the friend is–third date revelations-from-me have always been an issue), so while I keep most of that stuff in my head now, sadly I didn’t always! Let’s just say I’m very lucky I’ve got a couple “besties” still!

    I really enjoy your blog and will have to keep reading! Thanks for sharing yourself and your Aspie-ness with me. I may be new at learning about it and how to fake “normal”, but at least I know I’m not alone and that means a lot!

    < HJ

    1. So glad you enjoyed! My brain is a comic, for sure. Number 8…hehehehe…I know! It’s still hard for me to keep stuff in my head…it just spills right out. I’m so happy to hear you found the blog and are liking it. Love to hear from readers. thank you very much. Nope not alone, at all! In fact, you are in very good company. 🙂 Sam

      1. At least you have a sense of humor about it. Most V/VGs I know are so po faced, self-superior and sanctimonious about it! And I live in northern California, so I know a lot of Vegetarians!

  7. xD I ramble like a maniac while walking. Usually about my stories or anime. If I’m with a ‘friend’, I’ll talk about whatever they’re talking about. Of course, I’ll always take up most of the conversation. I just can’t help myself.

  8. I want you to know that when we met up for tea, I really did enjoy all your insights!! Truth!

    I nearly died when I read about you and the menus for Maui. You know we are planning a trip there now and I’ve already downloaded two menus and read them cover to cover!! Lol! Can’t help myself! I am also busy planning out every detail of the trip… I just can’t “let it happen”! Give me some tips on how not to over think it!! 🙂

    I don’t guess the amount on the bill and if I thought through imperfections on my hubs, my brain would overload. And why do you lie and say you were born in 84? Everyone knows you were born in 94 since I was born in – uh- 91, remember??? 😉

    1. I loved meeting you for tea. 🙂 Thanks for my journal, too. “Pink or blue?” hehe
      Oh, have a blast in Maui….don’t over plan…someday I’ll tell you what happened to us in Maui when I over planned. 🙂 94….oh, yes, that’s right…I was 3 when my son was born. lol. 🙂 Hugs

  9. I don’t know who is funnier … you or bulldogsturf! The two of you should form a stand-up act. You’d be better than any duo in history! 🙂 BTW, your description alone makes me tired. Thank goodness, you clarified the fact that not all of these characteristics manifest themselves simultaneously! Anyway, you’re cute enough to get away with anything you do! I think you’d be delightful to know. I really do. 🙂

    1. I’d say Bulldogsturf gets the funny award! hehe Loved your comment. Yes…thank goodness not all of these characteristics happen at the exact same time…..loved your comment. Thank you for your sweetness. 🙂

  10. Okay, first, you are married – off my list.
    Second, I would date you, but only because I read this article and would be as fully prepared as I could be. I would know that age wouldn’t mean a lot to you, so I would be comfortable and, if we did have that third date, that would mean you liked me and I would deal with the … um … changes. It doesn’t mean we would keep dating as I have some things of my own and you might not be able to put up with them; however, as far as you are concerned, I know how wonderful you are and would deal with it all.
    Scott

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