Day 186: Even the Darkness

Turtle through scope
Sam Craft

Monster of the dark, why do you come to me at night and steal my joy so readily; and leave me shaking, a small child, lost alone and terrified?

Monster: I steal nothing, young heart of mine, that you do not wish already stolen, that you have not already offered on table for me. Nothing you have not called me forward to retrieve and swallow whole. Nothing you do not already miss because you never allowed yourself to seize it. This fickle mind of yours, so solid in one truth, and then the next. How bitter the taste to savor something that is already abandoned.

Monster, I do not understand. How do I wish anything to be stolen?

Monster: You speak of love. Love, love, love. You cherish love. You want love; but when this love is given to you, you know not what to do with it. Instead it as if you spit on love. Spit and spit, unwilling to even grasp the idea of someone loving you. And yet you say you love? Ha! I laugh in your face. I spit in your face. If you loved than you would gladly take this love they give.

Monster, this is not true. You live in a false illusion. What you see is the fantasy world. You cannot see my world. Only muted shades of black and white. You see no colors. You do not know what I feel and what I hold to me.

Monster: Then why don’t you take in what these people tell you?

Monster, I do not know. I want to. I open my arm and hands and heart and mind, and I want to. But I cannot feel it, any of it. Everything of this world feels numb to me. This world of love. Everything seems a ribbon or prize…nothing that I am worthy of. I cannot take these prizes when I do not feel I have been a participant in the race or contest. Yet, life feels so very much like a contest, where in everyone is struggling for prize. And I don’t want to be like this, yearning for one prize after the next. Constantly striving. I just want to be.

Monster: But you don’t take at all. You don’t accept at all. You are this constant giver who will not receive. And that makes you a monster, too. Do you not see? The greatest gift is to accept what others give, to with open hand reach out and accept their truth as your truth. This is not absolute. This does not make them right or you wrong. This does not make you prideful. This makes you real. And yet you play this dance where you cannot accept, cannot stand to feel. What is it you fear from these feelings? What do you fear?

Dear Monster I fear loss. I fear if I collect anything—friendship, objects, compliments, words, or thoughts—that they will eventually be lost. People leave. People perish. Objects come and go. Opinions change, and words they are shape-shifters based on the speaker and witness.

Monster: Yes. Yes. But you miss the greatest point, the finite reason that your theory, your way, is flawed. For if you spend your whole life not accepting for fear of loss, then you spend your whole life losing for fear of accepting. You set yourself up from the start to suffer loss over loss, without remission. Where if you were to open your hands and let some slip into your possession, then chances are you will hold onto some and lose some. But then again, even the lost was once had. With your way nothing is ever had. Why are you so afraid to feel?

Dear Monster: If I let myself feel, I risk everything. If I let myself love, I risk everything. If I let myself think for a fraction of a second that I am special, I risk self. I do not know the fine line. I do not know how to remain humble and how to accept love at the same time. I know how to give love. I know that well.

Monster: No, you do not! You do not know how to give love. You think you do. You think love is sacrifice. Love is not sacrifice. Love has no feelings, other than love. Nothing that pulls and tugs, digs or plunges, nothing that burns or confuses, nothing that makes someone hurt, is of love. You are not giving love, you are giving fear. You are giving what you think love is. You are giving a safety net, a security blanket, a voice to calm the potential storm. Do not look at people as if they are about to explode or cry or reject. Look at people how you want to be seen. How do you want to be seen?

Dear Monster: I want to be seen as a loving worthwhile being of light. I want to be seen as important and special. I want to be held over and over again in kindness and affection. I want people to come to me for shelter and I want to receive shelter. I want to be weak and strong. I want to be happy and sad. I want to be me in totality and to be loved unconditionally.

Monster: Then you have your answers. Let people see your light. Let people see you are important and special. Let people hold you in kindness and affection. Let people be your shelter. Let people love you unconditionally, in all your states. They are trying, but you are not letting them, dear child. That is why I steal from you at night. For you leave everything out on the table like scraps for the dog. And I smell this waste. I smell this discarded love. And of course I come after you. I am hungry. I am starved. I am the monster that is you, who refuses to eat, and instead cried that there is no food. How many times must a man say he cares until you listen? You feed off of ghosts and cry of starvation when there are plates full all around you. How can you point fingers at me, this monster, who only comes out crawling when he is called by the bitter woes of you? You ring anger’s bell. You ring sadness’s bell. You summon me again and again with this feast of forgotten love. And I take. Of course I take, because you will not.

Dear Monster: Friend indeed, a part of me. Here to show me what I cannot see. How I trick myself time and time again thinking there is something in the shadows stealing and haunting my dreams; when in truth I am my own shadow, my own monster, my own robber of hope. How I do remember now, my familiar face—the hideous claws—the fang-like teeth—how I remember hiding them onto myself so I could face the world. So long ago, I hid you monster, my fierce protector and guide. So long ago when you were once beautiful, a lovely song, a summer’s sweetheart. How I hid you and disfigured you, and made you this hideous teacher to blame. And now you come out, to me, in truth, and I take your hand. I see your beauty. Your eyes. Your hair. Your breath. The very essence of you. You are beauty from the dark. I am beauty from the light. And together we make days upon days, birthed out of wholeness and completion. Nothing is as it seems. Nothing at all. When even the darkness is me.

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19 thoughts on “Day 186: Even the Darkness

    1. You can friend me on twitter at aspergersgirls and tweet @aspergersgirls or use “Everyday Aspergers blog” or link back to my blog….. My pen name is Samantha Craft. Glad you liked that line….hit me quite hard, it did. 🙂

  1. Blessed are they that give, yet double blessed are they that take, for to receive with grace is to bless the giver… don’t know where that comes from, but when reading your blog it came back to me…

    1. Yes….that was my thought exactly…that is what I heard in my mind while writing this. Thank you for the validation…I so believe this, too. I love to give when someone takes the giving completely. And thusly, I shall practice taking. 🙂 Sam

  2. Hello sweetie, I copied the parts that spoke SO loudly to me. Is it our Aspieness I wonder?

    “Yes. Yes. But you miss the greatest point, the finite reason that your theory, your way, is flawed. For if you spend your whole life not accepting for fear of loss, then you spend your whole life losing for fear of accepting. You set yourself up from the start to suffer loss over loss, without remission. Where if you were to open your hands and let some slip into your possession, then chances are you will hold onto some and lose some. But then again, even the lost was once had. With your way nothing is ever had. Why are you so afraid to feel?”

    “Dear Monster: Friend indeed, a part of me. Here to show me what I cannot see. How I trick myself time and time again thinking there is something in the shadows stealing and haunting my dreams; when in truth I am my own shadow, my own monster, my own robber of hope.”

    I relate to so much of this post my lovely friend and I couldn’t help but think of C.S.Lewis and The Screwtape Letters, while reading it. A book I should probably read again I think. It’s probably just a tangent though, the use of the monster and conversation back and forth. You know how my mind thinks in jumps. 🙂

    I love how you voice these feelings that we all have but cannot always understand. The conversations I have in my head are so like yours. I wish I could write them down like you do. one day maybe my writing skills and reading skills will catch up with the speed of my brain.

    Yes…you are such a bright light because you share from the heart and push through fear. So very brave you are, I love that about you. So unique in who you are too. Great post as always.
    So thankful to have you as my friend.
    I love you so very much. Me. xxx 🙂 ❤
    (For what it's worth, I think you receive my gift of love humbly, acceptingly and with soul)

    1. Yes, I do accept your gift…because I know you so well, because you are like me, and because I trust you will not intentionally fade away. And you are a gift to me, so thank you. Your comments are always so genuine, light-filled, and caring…..that is a gift to me, as well. I wasn’t sure about this post…It bled out of me….so I am thankful someone understood and connected. It was very healing, as is our friendship. Thank you for your keen words and the quotes you shared that related well to you. So glad to know you, sweet soul. ~ Sam 🙂

  3. Sam first a Big hug biggest you have ever recieved…
    my goodness you are brilliant..what a wonderful write up
    ” For you leave everything out on the table like scraps for the dog. And I smell this waste. I smell this discarded love. And of course I come after you. I am hungry. I am starved. I am the monster that is you,…….
    Absolutely stunning the way you have woven the tussle with oneself..

    1. I was not so sure about this….it poured out before I went to sleep last night…had to release the angst. I know it is different…for certain. You chose the quote that is most dear to my heart….dog scraps, the discarded love, the monster in you….you are very gifted when it comes to going to the heart of a post (and person). I’ve told you that before, but it is worth mentioning again.
      “woven this tussle with oneself” ~~~ always the poet…..lovely words.
      Thank you dear Soma 🙂

  4. I have no words that could come close to doing this post justice. You never cease to amaze me with the depth of introspection, the innocence and the soul searching. Utterly uniquely artistic and very deep. ((hugs))

    1. Thank you K. 🙂 I had some doubts about posting this, as it is “unique.” I wrote it out before I went to bed last night so I could sleep without the monster thoughts. I honestly don’t know where all this comes from sometimes….I keep thinking I emptied myself out…and then the next hour comes and I am filled yet again. Amazing…Do you think your son has these depths of thought? I bet he does. I bet you do, too. I appreciate your words….you have a good way of expressing your thoughts and opinions of posts….effective way I should say…get your point across of what you perceive and see well. Hugs to you. 🙂 Sam

  5. Lost my words again, but I had to say two of my favorite songs and bands. Too fragile to comment. I will say lovely like a thread twined in a spin of black and gold turning to rainbows. That is the vision I had in my head while reading your words.

    The songs make me smile. 😀

    Many spiraling rainbows to you today!

    1. Then meant for you, as I’m only just discovering these two bands. 🙂 Thank you for your words….the visual is beautiful. Very stunning indeed…can see it in my mind…Wow! I know fragile well and send you many rainbows of fortification and strength back. Much love to you Angel. Love your poetic heart. Sam 🙂

  6. Astounding post Sam. I do love the way you penned this…. no doubt Divinely inspired and from the depths your soul too.

    Oh – The monster inside us all… yes — but you have made friends with yours… you shook hands with yours… you have embraced and listened to every piece of wisdom your monster has shared here. How amazingly beautiful is that?! I am going to have a chat with mine today – I promise …. thank you dear sea sister. You inspire me. This piece is beyond any words I can muster. I will read it again and again, and it is my hope that this dialogue you have so eloquently scribed has brought you peace and comfort as well. Much Love ~ ps: want to know if that photo is really a turtle – through a telescope?? Going to listen to your shared music now xo 🙂 ~R

    1. ….and I pulled an inspiration card from a deck today… “relationships” at top….about you “act towards others as you act towards yourself.” External relationships reflect the one you have with self….Then I looked what was atop one of my other deck….”relationships”…. Oh, my, universe is loud and clear today. Thank you for seeing I held hands with monster….I truly did. I would like to know about your chat with yours (aka You). I am glad this was an okay piece…it was penned late at night to calm my angst and figure out what I was feeling. I wasn’t sure if anyone would even understand. lol
      Yes. It is a telescope of a small pond turtle. Those are lilly pads…Look for the turtle in the lower right hand side. A kind lady told me to peek and then encouraged me to take a photo through her telescope. 🙂 During a walk in late June through the forest/meadow.
      Thank you always for your heartfelt words. So appreciate your outlook, “in”-look, and deep knowings. Hugs sea sister. 🙂 Sam

      1. Ahh – do know those decks (have several by Abraham actually). Yes – the relationship between you and you…. Carl Jung would call monster “shadow self” — I love all the psyche stuff.. especially Jungian psychology. So beautiful you could actually ‘hold hands’ with monster Sam… Mine is not really wanting to hold mine !! Long story – but suffice to say my hip issues are progressing and I’m not in a very accepting mode. Time for more studies (been a year since my last mri which looked like crap) …

        In any case – I digress – sorry. Totally got your post today (not that I always do but more often than not). Ok the turtle in the lilly pads! I see that little guy – how great is that shot – and the story behind it with the kind lady. Lovely. I so appreciate your insight and friendship as well – and I’m your #1 – how cool is that?! Hugs back sea sis!! xo

  7. I really like this post Sam. What intrigues me the most is how I get to see you from two sides. I find it amazing how complex one can be. I would like very much to see more sides of you and how those sides relate to each other. This makes me want to explore that very thing within myself. I just recently realized that all the characters that live in my imagination are simply facets of me. It is if I developed many personalities, not in natural or organic, but in my imagination alone. They are there to help me cope with all that I’ve gone and am going through.

    I do envy your ability to reach deep inside yourself with what is seemingly the greatest of ease. I know that I am a fledgling writer, but I envy your flow nonetheless. Wonderful post!

    1. I didn’t think this post would be one people liked….so I am over joyed that you found something about it you related to. We are complex in our minds, aren’t we??? I love your drawings…Have you been drawing? Please share when you do. They are so spiritual and lovely. Oh, don’t envy me….I have to write it because of great, great angst. Hugs to you pretty lady. 🙂 Sam

  8. So many wonderful messages in your post and comments, many of which I can relate to and feel the embrace of everyone’s thoughts.
    IMHO this was one of your most powerful posts.
    (Posted a comment earlier from my iPad and as usual it’s not here.. Grrrrr.. Bad iPad! lol)
    I will try to recall it.
    It’s 2:30 am. I’m up with flippin’ back pain, flippin’ back and forth in my bed, flippin’ through the channels on TV. I decided to flip over the cover on my iPad and there it was!
    A late-night monster show, without commercials!
    I love that we write our own scripts, and can morph the monsters into Angels and change the ending. I love happy endings.. or should I say, beginnings. xxx

    1. IMHO…lol….IMHO
      So odd…this post just spilled out late at night as I was filled with angst….universe/God works in strange ways to connect others…sometimes I wish he would use less of my angst…and fill me up with pure passion an no angst at all. I’ve had enough angst for a life time….the depths of me…they keep getting deeper and deeper….like how many licks to get to the center of a lollipop, except my center is infinite….know that feeling…bet you do!!!! hehehehe
      Monster show and no commercials….rock on! 🙂 I can totally see you digging that.
      Yes…writing our own scripts….fun, fun, fun…that’s what I’m doing from now on in life.
      Yes….beginnings… I love your brain, how it works, and your cute face. ~ 🙂 Sam

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