Demons, Darkness and the Light
You know those days, or time periods, when a bunch of crap just starts to happen, kind of like you’ve dropped an explosive device down the deep stench of the outhouse and a volcano of poop is erupting?
Do you know too that moment when you can step back away from the ego-self and observe your own being, while distancing yourself from the mess that in reality is an illusion? How you can then, with decisive and heartfelt action, breathe in what appears to be filth and smell only succulent roses?
I’m stepping back. And I’m admiring the wonders of this experience labeled life.
I gather I’m under attack of some sort. Whenever I am entirely honest and come from a place of pure truth, as I did in my latest writings, something always counters me.
I don’t mean to sound “far out there” or “super spiritual,” but truth be told, I’ve been countered since I was a young child. And I’ve been placed in events that have directly challenged my strength of will.
By the age of nine, I’d undergone losses of grand proportion, including the loss of two fathers, one through my mother’s second divorce, a man I’d never see again, but once when I was almost an adult, and the emotional loss of my biological father, whom, for the majority of my childhood, I only saw a few days a year. I suffered the loss of my kindergarten teacher when she died of cancer. I suffered the loss of my best friend in kindergarten, Keith, who moved to Hawaii. I suffered the loss of my step-sisters and step-brothers, when our family broke apart; they being the only siblings I ever had. I suffered the loss of my best buddy of three years, who was more liken to a sister, because she was the daughter of my mother’s boyfriend, and I spent most nights and weekends in the same bedroom as her—lost her when her mother “kidnapped” her one day; the last day I ever saw her. I suffered the loss of pets that I would foretell dying in my dreams. I suffered the loss of childhood with the complexity of my thoughts, and an understanding of the vastness of the universe and consequences of social norms, that far surpassed the thinking of most adults. Suffer I did. And all before the first decade of my life reached completion.
I teeter not upon the other violations I experienced, choosing not to go into detail, but instead say that along with the losses, predators found me, and made me victim.
At the age of ten, life didn’t get easier, in fact the trials continued, one after the other, without pause for retreat, without rest, without rescue.
I grew into a woman matured in an untimely fashion by the pangs of this world. I grew into a child, who born sensitive and hyper aware of the spiritual world, became hyper afraid of the earthly world. My fear manifested itself into a grandiose, potentially explosive, bang of illusion associated with death and illness. Everything imaginable was out to destroy me. Who implanted this seed, I do not know, but it remains to this day my greatest internal weed, with thoughts of my demise recycling and winding through my mind sometimes emotionally choking me up to a few hundred times hourly. How to stop this fear has been my quest since I was nine. I have truly died a thousand and one deaths, each minute reminded of my mortality and fragility.
The only thing that stops the thoughts is being immersed in a fixation or passion. The issue then becomes that I am escaping the present to avoid my thoughts, and in fact not really here at all.
I have grown tired of this battle. So very weary.
In truth, I have traveled a tiresome path of challenge after challenge, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have been persecuted at all levels.
At age elven, I would awake to demons dragging me down my bed or to the hell fires roasting my body. I’ve been visited by spirits I would call “evil.”
My father had told me as a teenager, when I’d undergo the extreme nightmares, the visitations, the precognitive dreams, and such, that I was a beacon on a hill and that my bright light would attract the good, but with this, I would also attract the bad. I believed him. I still do.
My outer-body experiences started when I was very young. I would wake up trapped in my own body, able to see everything about me and hear, but unable to open my eyes. My father could leave his dream state and body, travel to another room in the house, and upon awakening tell all of what he saw and heard.
For me, I have visions, I see what will happen, or what might happen. I see car accidents, deaths, tragedies, sufferings, and sometimes, though rare, cause for celebration.
There was a time, I sat alone in a room with my father, and when he asked, “Can you tell me what you see when looking at me? And I responded, “Yes, to your right, there is a demon there, sitting and trying to control you.” And my father answered, “Yes,” pointing to the exact spot I mentioned.
Again, another time, my father said to look in a mirror at the end of his hallway and tell him what I saw. I told him a green like lizard-like alien with yellow-orange eyes, and he again responded “Yes; that is what I see.”
My father is quite sane. With the whole of my heart, I believe he was not inventing things. He is above all else extremely honest, blunt, and direct. I fear, though, he still has that demon sitting at his side.
In his house I was never safe. When I lived with him during my college years, I was always frightened to sleep under his roof. I would hear “get out” when I entered his bedroom, though no one was home. And strange events happened, like the television turning on by itself and flicking channels or a spirit holding me at night using the exact same words to speak to me as she did to my father.
“Oh her. Yes, I know her. She comes to me at night in the same way,” my father would say.
Once a well-known and established religious sect tried to recruit my father, based on his connection to the spiritual world. “Quickly, come here,” father would hear, before stealthy escaping the waiting area. “We found one of them!” Them referring to psychic and able to astral project.
With all the challenges and arguably unusual (and sometimes unspeakable) occurrences in my life, I’m growing tired of what I see as servitude through sacrifice. I definitely feel as if I have the soul of a martyr. I say this with no pride.
I tried for many years to heal my soul, to fill some gap or hole, so to undergo a life of simplicity and easiness.
I’m quite the expert in mankind’s current way to better one’s self, and quite the expert on the shortcomings of such solutions.
I’ve come to the conclusion that my soul and personhood does not need fixing.
I am realizing that the most advantageous action for me to take is to continue to be authentic and shine my light. To continue, regardless of the consequence, to be truthful in my personal experience.
I am listening to my angels.
I’ve been called since I was little to help. First with animals, later with the elderly, homeless, non-English speaking immigrants, and children, and now female adults.
Being called to help and shine my light for no other intention but to help is just who I am.
I think, no I know, I scare some people. They just don’t get me.
They don’t understand why I do what I do.
Why I write or have this drive to reach people.
They don’t understand honesty.
They don’t understand goodness.
Everyday Asperger's 
For whatever reason you are driven to share Sam, both the good and the misunderstood, I am grateful for the opportunity to gain insight into another caring human on this path we call life. :)))
As I am thankful for your unconditional love and kind spirit. xoxox
Thankful for all you share sometimes I understand, sometimes not so much but always thankful for you sharing your life and insights from your heart. 🙂
You are most welcome. I wouldn’t expect you to understand the all of my experience, but appreciate your kindness, input and journey. 🙂
This… this is what makes you special, Sam. You are a beautiful and kind person who does… wonderful things. You are truly a precious gem.
And you know what? I respect you so much for being that. I respect you for being able to find joy and happiness and light and love… despite everything that you’ve been through. Most people can’t do that.
Thank you for being you. ❤
-The Raven
Awe. You are always so very kind. Such a sweetie you are. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and grace with words. xox Sam
❤
I know that path; you travel it well.
Thanks. I truly needed those words, today. Take care.
Hello my lovely friend, one thing I value so much about you and who you are is how so very real, open and transparent you are. You share from your heart and from what you have of life. I know how you get insecure about what you share, but you always push through. You find a strength from deep within, from within your spirit and your faith and you give of yourself for others.
“that I was a beacon on a hill and that my bright light would attract the good”
Your bright light does attract the good and it also brings help, comfort and healing to so many who have walked a similar path to yours.
Love you so very much. Me. xxx 🙂 Hugsss
Love you. Thanks for the double smile today. xoxoxo
Wow Sam, is sounds like you have really experienced a heaping ton of spiritual activity in your life. And while it is amazing, i bet it is also a bit scary hearing voices from your dad’s room telling you to “get out”. I think you have an amazing gift which you have worked so hard to be where you are, and view yourself and others in a different light. I have a deep respect for you, and always will. I know that i could talk with you about my inner child, including things on an intuitive level to do deep reflection. I have been reading a book called “Astrology, Karma & Transformation” and have been reading a lot about water signs and their ruling planets and houses, and am so amazing at the depth of these signs and the types of things that happen on a soul level, how much healing can be done. And for that matter, i would love to explore your natal birth chart, because i am getting to the level of astrology where the authors are talking more about the basic needs, letting go of old ways of thinking, behaviors, and other things that seem to contradict how much we want to challenge our beings. I always feel at home reading your blogs, and it is a big deal, because you don’t sugar coat anything you say, unless there are things you are not ready to say yet. Other than that, i can only imagine the experiences you had with your dad. That is an amazing connection to have. Bear hugs and love to you big soul sister. 🙂
~Maya
Have a wonderful day, and i am sending healing energy your way big sis. 🙂
That would be fun maya. I can private facebook you. Removing your email from this public forum. K? Thanks for your wonderful words, as always. Lucky me to hear from you! xoxoxo Sam
I agree with Lisa Sam — can’t say it much better than she did… real and honest – good and pure — and yes – you have come through so much torment to get to this place… it’s a wonderful place though – as you are open and your heart is bursting with Love. I think more people get you than you think. For sure I do ~ and for those that don’t — sad for them ~ xo Much Love
Hi Sea Sis. I am tired today; how is your week going? Loved hearing from you, as always. Hugs and love
Holy Cow! I think we are on parallel healing paths, my friend! My mind has been swamped with past memories and working through some serious childhood issues. What up ‘wit ‘dat?
You share about the demons, I spoke only evasively about my night terrors and nightmares, but they were HORRIBLE, creeping on my walls. I had space men in my closet, they did not scare me so much, but there were things lurking about. 🙂
“I’ve come to the conclusion that my soul and personhood does not need fixing.”
OMG!!! I wrote something very similar in the second half of my latest post. I am posting it tomorrow. I decided instead of thinking that I was broken “I think I am more like a grand afghan blanket being crocheted together with multicolored yarn, and tons of geometric shapes. I am not broken only being crafted into a unique creation.”
That is in my last paragraph. 🙂
Oh, thank you thank you Sam Craft for sharing and helping me feel not so scared in sharing myself!
Much love, light, and bursting healing bubbles to you!
I got very excited because I understand much of what you say. I meant to tell you that I appreciate your honesty and openness – it inspires many I have no doubt. 🙂
You’re such a gem to me, Angel. And always reinforce my journey and experience. So glad to know you. Thank you for taking the time to write all of this out. I’d write you up a storm, if I weren’t so tired. Would love to sit and have tea with you and delve more into this topic. Love how we are on similar paths! And your love poetry…I so get that, too. Bubble hugs, Sam
Being yourself, often in spite of others, is a difficult path. You are a strong person, Sam. I am so happy to have met and been able to call you LS (Little Sister) or, more aptly, my friend.
Scott
I do believe I am strong. Thank you for seeing that. You are strong, too, but I think you know that. 🙂 Proud to know you to Blog Brother. Your friend, Sam
Wow! I think we are on a similar path of healing. At the age of 12, I have endured the loss of my biological father, cousin the same age as myself, a very close teacher, 2 good friends, my principal, a 6 yr old boy I babysat everyday since newborn, my grandfather, and many beloved animals. My father passed away, when I was 6, several days later after a car accident that we were both in. Visiting my father in the hospital the last few days before he passed, I saw an angel and 2 demons but couldn’t tell anyone. I am almost 20 and to this day I still have nightmares several times a month but not every night like it used to be. I cannot drive at all because of a demon and fear. I was never really a child, I hung around all of the adults and stayed inside most of my life. No one has ever understood why. Thank you for writing this and the other blogs. They have really helped me come out of my box
So much, so young, and you sound so brave. Thank you for sharing. Much love to you.
I hardly have time to be online these days but happened to see this this morning and wanted to send hugs and tell you you’re not alone. I have a lot of the same family issues you did growing up (broken family, saw dad one week per year, brothers too, step siblings in and out of my life… all at very young age). I had a lot of additional childhood trauma I won’t get into, but needless to say it has all had an unbelievable impact on my soul and psychic well-being. I’m so sensitive I’m raw, and connection with people (even online) feels scary and unsure, so I can’t maintain relationships well at all… I’m utterly overwhelmed at every turn. I don’t have the same visions as you do… But am guessing what you see/feel is to some extent a reflection on your inner turmoil. (Hugs). I hope things get better for you.
Emily
thank you. Just now seeing your comment. Lovely of you to connect.
I am so appreciative for the honesty that you bring to sharing your thoughts and experiences so bravely. There are a lot of people I imagine going through similar things and being able to find posts like yours are the kind of things that can help give them a feeling of connectivity to a world that they often don’t. I say that in part because I’m one of them. After stumbling upon your blog an hour ago via the wonders of google, I’ve definitely gotten that myself tonight reading through these entries – it’s funny how just one hour can shine more light on a situation than the 33 years that precede it.
It’s interesting because there are several different factors I relate too equally in this in my own life very much, and I’d never made any sort of connection between them until now. Partially I’m not sure whether the real life losses I’ve experienced over the years (from a very early age) are connected with the equally early onset I had of several other very much otherworldly experiences. And whether or not my Aspergers is the common denominator in either. To be honest I don’t know if they do relate to each other or not, but they’re both real in their own ways. It’s comforting to know someone else has seen things in the spirit world – for most of my life I always told myself it couldn’t possibly be real but yet I could never deny the experiences themselves weren’t just as visceral and vivid as anything else I experienced day to day. It’s good that growing up you at least had someone else to talk about it to. It’s an incredibly intense and sometimes terrifying thing to go through on your own. It means a lot to me to realise that there is someone out there who has experienced some incredibly similar things.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you.
Also – those paintings are just beyond intense. They’re incredibly spot on.
thank you Glenny; I too find comfort in knowing I am not the only one with uncommon experiences. I have spoken with many on the spectrum who have a strong spiritual connection that is evident with some ‘seeing’ or ‘gift.’ Seems we are sensitive on all fronts. Much love.