482: The Greatest Casualty

sam

I woke up with three pages of information involving archetypes and symbolic representation, and the challenges I face of being keenly aware to the illusion of life; in so much that I am aware of the way I must choose icons in order to live and communicate in this dimension. This followed by the off balance of duality at my core level, if it be off, in that I am primarily feminine energy. Then I was conceptualizing the time space continuum, in regards to how I can’t think in simple format but instead in what is a visual expansive viewing in which, in a short amount of time, it seems I am viewing a series of variant options and pathways to conclusion.

It is impossible for me to think in a linear fashion.

I think in where some are persecuted and ostracized for perceived secrecy and aloofness the opposite occurs with me. As I am interpreted as smothering, over-sharing and clingy. But in truth I am at the same point as the latter, in so much that I am overwhelmed with thoughts and information, and my coping mechanism manifests itself as verbally processing likely to off set the feasibleness of insanity. Couple my intensity of thoughts and emotions with my capacity to remote view others emotional, say spiritual state, from a distance, and I become bombarded with such vast amounts of data I overload.

I struggle with being seen beneath what appears to be a constant shifting of perception and representation of what I am. I become that which I am observed by, and, in essence, I am reflected to that person through his limited capacity to view what is before him. In this sense, I remain entirely isolated and invisible, much lost to my own self with intense longing to be seen. Ironically unable to see myself as nothing more than fluidity.

The greatest casualty for me, in great contrast to some, is my advanced empathy and ability to tap into another’s emotional field, as this capability serves to intensify my awareness of suffering, isolation, and the tendency for most of the world to be asleep, if not lost somewhere trapped within what they perceive and what is. My greatest discomfort comes in craving to be seen as a true representation of love and compassion, vibrating at a frequency that is both beneficial and of comfort, but feeling the discrepancy between who I am and what the other is interpreting.

I am that I am, yet others in their closed ways turn me into their wishful dream. I long to break out of the isolation and this brings the fever to my writing. However, the more I try the more blinded I become to the rest of this existence; in essence, sinking into this self I neither know nor understand.

I cannot see faces in real life. I have no idea what I look like. Each moment I shift as do others. This makes the world very uncomfortable for me. Perhaps it is the eyes that are the only thing that remain constant. ~ Sam

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25 thoughts on “482: The Greatest Casualty

  1. Reblogged this on Julian Dea Greene and commented:
    This is so very much me. I take comfort in knowing that a few special others perceive in the same way I do, thereby mitigating a bit of the discomfort of being me. This constant changing, shifting is what has paralyzed me my whole life. It is why I can settle on nothing to write a novel about because I will have changed my mind a thousand times before it is completed. This blog from aspiegirls both exhilarates me and depresses me further at the same time because I keep hoping it will all stop, and I will be able to do those things that I know I am so gifted to do. I hope in reposting this, some of you can see me, and perhaps see yourself and take whatever comfort, large or small, it offers.

      1. Thanks! I needed the reminder of all the things that are wonderful about me, and the mystery of the rest. If you look at that particular link you’ll see that I commented on it at the time I first read it. I’m going to re-read that post several times. 🙂

  2. I reblogged this in the hope that I can be seen and that others can possibly see themselves and take comfort, whether large or small. I take comfort in knowing that you know what it is. I bless you for being able to express what I have not been able to articulate.

  3. Wow – what you describe here is exactly my sensing too! I love your posts, the way you really get to the heart of what it is to be an Aspie female. Thank you – I see all the beauty in you ❤ Maria x

  4. Thank you so much Sam and juliandeagreene. Wow, it is amazing to have someone express the things I struggle with – and had no idea where to begin trying to articulate.

    Personally I have been accelerating in my efforts to grasp what I am – and what I am capable of – because I realize that I see things and make sense of things that the smartest, most capable people around me aren’t seeing. I am 45 now, and have only recently been diagnosed with ADD, and a couple of months ago, with Asbergers as well – although the very few I have shared this new info with (other than my husband – who is extremely supportive), gawk at me and indicate that I must be confused or trying too hard on the self-help front! I am very good at imitating socially acceptable behaviour – not so good at interpreting social behaviour when it involves me (understatement!!)

    I feel that you have thrown me a life line with this discussion.
    In a sense my own self confidence is growing exponentially (I have suffered from an odd mixture of self-confidence in some things and an extreme lack of self-confidence in other things). It helps so much knowing that I am an aspie; having others describe what I experience so that I can wrap my head around my experience of the world better; I also have enough work and professional respect under my belt to believe in myself now and how I make sense of the world – even though I always feel like a lone voice in the wilderness. On that last point, I am able to look back and see that the ideas/concepts I had nurtured and helped bring to fruition 20 years ago in my field are still at the heart of what is relevant in social systems today. Infact those that embraced those ideas 20 years ago are the ones whose work in the field is flourishing today.

    I struggle because as you say Julian, ” This constant changing, shifting is what has paralyzed me my whole life. It is why I can settle on nothing to write a novel about because I will have changed my mind a thousand times before it is completed.”

    . . . and Sam, your bit that describes the following: “Then I was conceptualizing the time space continuum, in regards to how I can’t think in simple format but instead in what is a visual expansive viewing in which, in a short amount of time, it seems I am viewing a series of variant options and pathways to conclusion.
    It is impossible for me to think in a linear fashion. . . . Couple my intensity of thoughts and emotions with my capacity to remote view others emotional, say spiritual state, from a distance, and I become bombarded with such vast amounts of data I overload.”

    I see such a massive, whole systems picture – how do you share that in language? It’s so frustrating to be working on a planning project, where those working on it can’t see why I see problems with their proposals, – I struggle to distil down the details in language so that they follow my line of reasoning. I am way better writing out my ideas, than trying to communicate orally – but still, I’m not sure that I always communicate in a compelling way (sometimes I do an outstanding job communicating and sometimes I completely flop – my communication ability is completely unpredictable). It is messy. Those that have the patience to work with me, really respect my thought processes and my vision. They seem to recognize that I bring a strength of vision, but sometimes even they can’t be there for me all the time. I am super cognizant of not wanting to be arrogant. I really want to be challenged on my thinking. I would happily hand over the lead to someone who is navigating forward thoughtfully and in consideration of the really big picture. I really hate being the main protagonist. I would far rather be a significant participant, there to give my input as soon as I sense that we are steering off-course. I also don’t feel as though I am the smartest person in the room – many others are intimidatingly smart and able to articulate their ideas far better than I can – and yet, I can now see, I see systemically important things that they are missing, sometimes completely.

    I now have the confidence to recognize that not only can I “see” a complex problem or system, but I can navigate my way through it with creativity, finding sustainable, complex solutions. If I had thought that those intimidatingly smart people “got it”, even the half of it – I realize now that they don’t!!!!! So if I have a gift to share – I am going to need to get some help with the communicating part. I would be really, really grateful for your responses/thoughts/suggestions. I feel so alone sometimes in this “quantum thinking – mind” aspect of things.

    I have read a lot about Einstein, Temple Grandin, Steve Jobs and others – all creative, outside the box thinkers. I so relate to them – because at the heart of what most of them are trying to do – is understand the problem systemically and then figure out creative solutions (so that their solutions aren’t aimed at the problem as everyone around them sees it, but at the systemic problem).

    I have wondered about myself and how I “see” things. I feel a resonance with the systemic truth of a system. That is why I love problem solving. It is much easier to recognize a problem in a dysfunctional system than a problem in a system that is by and large doing ok. I wonder if that ability has something to do with pattern recognition at a very sensitive level? I say that because I now realize that I react so strongly to things that most people don’t think there is anything wrong with – often the issue is so glaringly obvious to me (I couldn’t imagine that everyone else wasn’t seeing it too!) Now I finally realize – most people, including the ones I really respect, don’t recognize things the way I do. This is a gift. It’s just a matter of figuring out how to work with it in the world the way it is.

    Thank you – fellow aspies. I sure feel grateful that I am not completely alone trying to navigate my way forward!

    1. I love your comment. You express yourself very, very well in words. I would have to agree that I feel much, if not all, of what you have expressed here. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. You can Facebook friend me if you wish under author contact on left hand side bar. Again, thank you for the insight into your life. x

      1. Thank you for your kind comments. I will definitely be checking in on your blog – it’s really wonderful to have a community of people who I can turn to that “get me”.

        I am a little shy of going through Facebook, only because most of my family and acquaintances have no idea about either my Asbergers or about my struggles with . . . the neuro-typical world. I just don’t think that I am ready to expose that part of myself publicly right now. We have a number of doctors/specialists in my family who have sat me down to explain (a little condescendingly I felt) that I, not being medical, was confusing a “disorder” like ADD and Asbergers with personality traits – and that I was too high functioning to possibly think I fitted a diagnosis. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me was very thorough and when I pushed back re: her diagnosis, citing my brother and other family members’ comments, she was very dismissive of their reasoning. Even my sister-in-law’s arguments were out of whack according to my psychiatrist because she had a non-specialized understanding of Asbergers (and she trained as a neurologist & a psychiatrist, and practices neuro-psychiatry)! . . .why do I always have to explain everything . . . is it the asbergers?
        So re: FB, I think I feel more comfortable connecting on your blog –

      2. you can friend me and we can private chat, if you need that. 🙂 and connecting on the blog is fine, too. Just more open to public to read. The best to you.

  5. Oh good!! I like these deep thinking posts!! You know I’ve been thinking about a similar train of thought here lately…A bit the opposite, but the same. This week, I’m thinking that existence is the only thing that is real, and that ‘time’ is the trouble maker here, time in the linear form is an illusion, created by going to sleep every night, and waking up the ‘next day’. Once we are no longer entrapped by this Earthly body, and the constraints of ‘logical’ thought, everything will become clear- and the bombardment of thoughts and ideas from other sources will become a unified entity, of which we are all a part. I believe that this second sight that you speak of, is a manifestation of the natural accumulation of intelligence and life experience. Thank you for your insights, always thought inspiring!

  6. This is how it is for me too. Hence my need for isolation & my own thoughts. I’m unable to share my existence of how I experience life because it is met with no understanding or a nod of she’s insane. I can feel intensely lonely yet I feel I have such amazing knowledge to share. I’m like a treacher with students that won’t take me seriously. I’m not sure why it’s important that someone sees & experiences what I do but it just is.
    Thanks for your amazing writing again.

  7. Loved reading this and the cimments. There is so many thoughts to type but it all fits this puzzle in my head.

  8. Sam, Bubbles, CJulian, all of you–what amazing community this post has wrought. I feel a deep kinship with all of you because this incredibly difficult thing has been part of all of our lives. Maybe we need to start a Google+ group just to share these kinds of things, or to be able to get in touch with each other. I know there’s a Facebook group. I joined it once, but it didn’t take but a day and a half for someone to hit a couple of my hotbuttons. I suppose it’s the nature of the beast — brilliant people who have trouble communicating trying to communicate. Perhaps a Google+ group wouldn’t fare any better, but I’m so hungry for camaraderie, for people with which to explore the amazing knowledge we all have to share and to explore how best to help other people understand. Sam has the perfect venue — she shares so beautifully, poetically really. Even though I’m a writer, if I tried to express the same things, it would just come out maudlin.

    1. Yes, yes – I am nodding ,agreeing and chuckling (is it Julian?). Thank you for your comments/response, I would also love to have a place to connect with you and the others who have participated in this conversation – although, for now Sam’s blog is providing that place to bring this community together.

      What has happened to me after entering into the exhilaration of connecting with you and the others on this blog is that my mind did what it always does – it leap-frogged and the thoughts and ideas kept galloping through my brain, I even have a bit of a headache (perhaps it’s from being in front of my computer too long – or could it be that I just need to rest my brain?). I kept getting interrupted by various family and work commitments before I had a chance to capture my thoughts in writing and share them.

      There were a number of things that sparked my interest and imagination from your comments and Bubbles’ comments. I am struck by the spiritual nature of what you are sharing. I think that when you feel and experience the world with the heightened sensitivity that seems to be part of the aspie make-up, you can’t help but experience the world in a deeply spiritual way. I have always struggled with organized religion because of the dogma and some of the biblical interpretations that seem illogical and more like social manipulation, and yet, when I have shut out the religious stuff that made no sense to me, and worked with the parts that resonate – the Christian church became an amazing place for me to explore the spiritual. About 5 years ago I found a church (a United Church), where i really connected for several reasons: 1) the lack of judgement (people accept you as you are, period – you don’t have to act like a “pious, politically correct Christian” or anything that you aren’t); 2) there is no set liturgy in the service. Everything that is included in the service is chosen with care and because it makes sense to the main theme that is being focused on. This gives the service a freshness and freedom to authentically explore what is real and true – and yet it is still very much anchored in the teachings of Jesus and the bible. 3.) There is an openness to question, until you find a level of truth that resonates. The minister has done an outstanding job of leading discussion groups to deconstruct the various biblical interpretations of the bible. As we explore the various interpretations and dogmas that really bothered me before through these study groups, I am discovering this treasure trove of others (Mathew Fox; Dirhmid O’Murchu; Bishop Spong; Markus Borg, Karen Armstrong, Phyllis Tickle etc.) who are historically peeling back the overlay of religious manipulation over the centuries and questionable interpretations that are the antithesis of what Jesus tried to teach. And yet, these are the interpretations that most Christian churches have adhered to. It is so exciting to discover others that affirm why I was always so uncomfortable with the traditional interpretations of the bible, and who validate what I had intrinsically believed in (the outside the box, maverick or difficult child that could not accept that which did not resonate.)

      Without going into it too much, I believe that:
      – we all belong to the universe and are interconnected within the web of life – thus living sustainably and in right-relationship with all things is at the heart of what resonates as truth.
      – we are all co-creators with the Divine Wisdom – which means that we all have a responsibility to participate creatively for the greater good.
      – I do not believe that there is some omnipotent God choosing who to favour and who to punish. And I adamantly do not believe in the concept of “original sin” – I think it is the most horrible concept and fits into the old philosophy of “spare the rod and spoil the child” as opposed to believing that there is beauty within that needs to be nurtured and loved.
      – I believe that Jesus was an outstanding teacher who tried to teach us what it means to live more fully, but I do not believe that he was any more divine or “magic” than you or I. Most of what was written about Jesus was written sixty or more years after he had died – so to take literally what has been written about him does not make sense to me, especially when biblical scholars are able to show cultural and political reasons for why something was written the way it was. For example “virgin births” were a common story device to overlay a sense of divine power. Julius Caesar and many others through history have been attributed “virgin births” – so to take it literally along with all the other literalisms re: Jesus, is astonishing.

      I am aware that I may run into trouble discussing religious views here, so I will not go on. I only brought it up because I was so struck by how naturally aspies resonate a deep spiritual awareness. It is as if we tap in at a profound level that puts us in touch with the universe/Divine Wisdom/God. I have been exploring this understanding in my art. For me, living and growing spiritually is about leaving fear behind and entering into creativity, being open to the resonance of the universe. It is about being at peace in the knowledge that we are part of a bigger whole, and where love and goodness is at the centre.

      Is there a way to share my art piece that I am working on? I have thought that I would like to set up a blog where I could share my art work, and open more discussion around what I have just described above.

      Anyway, I seem to be getting distracted and writing too much, while much awaits my attention at my work desk . . .

      Cheers
      Clare Julian

      1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙂 If you set up a blog, feel free to share the link here; I have found a lot of resonance in studying the gnositc gospels. Peace and love to you ~ Sam

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