Day 92: The Nest of Strings

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I think part of my condition on this earth is my utter fear of human beings.

I don’t mean this to sound negative or like a joke. I seriously think my main issue in my life is PEOPLE. This is a problem. People are everywhere.

It’s not that I dislike people. I love people.

I fear something I love. This love/fear dynamic can be compared to my love of food and fear of expanding the spare tire around my waist and/or my chin line. Though people do not  inflate me, they deflate me.

I’m a sponge of sorts, soaking up people’s troubles and holding troubles, and then releasing the troubles; only in the process I get weighed down, troubled myself, and depleted in energy reserves. I suppose part of this current sponge experience is a result of my previous learnings.

 

 

What I’ve Learned

I learned through observation that if I acted kind and carefully, people wouldn’t hurt me, usually.

I learned that if I didn’t act a certain way, I would be teased or ostracized.

I learned that some people could find me and affect me no matter how I acted.

I learned that if I shared from my heart, I would be misunderstood.

I learned that if I was me, I could become invisible.

I learned to play games.

I learned to blend in.

I learned better to blend in than to stand out.

But then I longed to stand out.

I longed to be noticed and I longed not to be noticed.

I didn’t know what place was in between my longing.

Where to stand?

Sometimes I became beautiful through others’ eyes.

Through my physical beauty, I gained attention.

Attention that never felt real or pure.

Attention I longed for nonetheless.

My physical beauty aged and youthfulness faded.

I learned that people notice what they want to notice and take what they want to take.

They like a piece or part of me and then when the section no longer serves them, they leave.

They leave the part, and in leaving, they leave the whole of me.

I learned I desperately wanted love, but I wasn’t supposed to ask for love.

I wasn’t supposed to appear weak.

If I wanted love, I needed to appear strong, as if I didn’t want love.

As if I was completely satisfied in being in isolation.

I never understood this illusion of strength in aloneness.

Why people pretended they were not frightened.

Why people pretended they were an entirety, when in truth they were only an ingredient.

 

 

I don’t know if there is anything else that permeates the depths of my soul like the fear of people. Beyond the pretending and questions, perhaps my depletion occurs is the energy I pick up. The health symptoms of others I take on, the friends and relatives, and sometimes strangers who visit me in my dreams. Perhaps my fear stems from the humiliation of my youth or the loss of loved ones. Whatever the cause, from wherever this fear was rooted, it remains a tall plant intertwined within my very being. I see sucker plants sticking, prickly burs stuck. I see small specks of blood. I see rough, sword-like leaves stabbing and cotton ball seeds blocking. These are the people stuck in and about me.

I don’t know why. I don’t think I want to know why. But I do wish to change this reality. I do wish to know without question that people are not to fear. I don’t want to think about how to do this. Don’t want a plan of action or a list. I don’t want to try to change things anymore. Trying doesn’t work. I just want to believe. I want to shift. This is my reality. Shifting the fear to love.

I took out a box today from my closet marked: Spectrum Intuitive Teachings, a small box that I’d shoved in the back of my daylight basement closet months ago, without second thought. I was done with my business, my successful business. I had to quit, so I thought, because, I wasn’t doing the right thing according to someone in the world. Just like that I changed my life, believing I should not do what I’m doing.

I shoulded on my self. My fear has led me to should on my self a lot.

I’m still processing my actions. What was I thinking? Why did I change my life to please a stranger I’ve never even met? Why did I compromise? Why did I change?

I have these chameleon tendencies. I was not born a lizard. But I act like one. I change colors adapting to my environment, change appearance in hopes of blending in and not being spotted.

What is so bad about being spotted?

The fear.

And so at the heart of me is fear.

At the core penetrating my every action is fear.

Today, I release this fear.

I choose to transform this fear.

I have no one to fear.

Even though the voices shout loudly: Fear You. Fear Them. Fear. Fear. Fear. I know these are untruths.

I know much of what I learned are untruths.

Today, I untangle the untruths—a giant ball of intertwined string.

I let the untruths spiral out down a long staircase, to disperse, to lessen, to unravel, until all that remains is a long string of blue.

And then, seeing clearly and easily, I snip away at the string.

I create little pieces of untruths.

In my hands I gather the clippings.

The tiny, tiny remains.

I blow with my spirit breath.

Disperse them into the air.

The angels come now.

Take the strings away to their nests in the sky.

Where the strings are used to house the young ones.

The innocent.

The newborn.

The strings  transform and serve as comfort and shelter.

I transform my giant core of fear into sheltering love.

This I see.

This I am.

And thusly, so are you.

© Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com

The Wounded Healer

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28 thoughts on “Day 92: The Nest of Strings

  1. IZ is one of my favorites – love this song!
    As for you, young lady, I understand this all perfectly. I had many of these problems. It’s not unique to us, either. It has always amazed me that all of us could be utterly changed by a word spoken by someone who, probably, didn’t even think of those ramifications. I had someone in the last two days that said something to me based on a mistake I made (a dumb one, but, nonetheless). It had me down for quite awhile. The old me would’ve been utterly depressed for days, maybe weeks. Now, (with a bit of help from new friends) I see it for what it is, their opinion of me, not me. I learned, I changed, I am going to move on. Thanks to my new friends and, thanks to the person who said what they did. That helped me see the problem and confront it. I don’t avoid much anymore. None of us are perfect, though we would like to be. Sam, you are such a wonderful person. I thank you for you just as you are. Keep working with your “problems”. They are simply you, remember, and are only as you think they are; change the thoughts and you will, eventually, change too.
    Namaste,
    Scott

  2. What a marvelous piece of writing this is Sam…see what happens when you open up your heart….You are a gem of a person and it shines and sparkles in every thing you share
    And i just love you for everything you are 🙂

    coming to the topic,I must admit I am not very fond of people/large gathering..not because i hate them but because i find it silly that someone finds it enjoyable to pull someone down and believe me or not this is how lot of people are..
    Having said that i also know if I do not go out and open my self i will miss out on good people,people who understand ,who are not anxious to judge every one and anyone they see…
    i do not fear people but i am very careful who i interact with…its like choosing a book…dont go by cover just read it give it a chance and see how it goes…
    Thank for this post Sam its always great when you get to talk about things not generally spoken about
    That poetry is superb 🙂
    Love n hugs 🙂

    1. I read your comment a few hours ago and I have heard the echo of: “See what happens when you open up you heart.” Yes, I do see. I have felt at peace all day. Thank you.
      I love you bunches, as well.
      You are very wise.
      I like your words about “Don’t go by the cover.” I don’t go by the cover in the common sense. I do go by an instinctual energy I pick up. That is what makes it hard. Sometimes I know a person’s energy is not beneficial for me at the moment and I am working on protecting myself.
      I’m fearing so much less, now that I shared.
      And the community of bloggers and people who follow my blog are so endearing and loving, that my trust level elevates daily.
      Beneficial things happened in our support group today, too.
      I also fasted, today.
      Thanks for being you in all of your awesomeness.
      Love and Light ~ Sam

  3. I love you for this. I am also learning to be vulnrable as a strength, and It’s not easy..not at all. But It is worth it. Good luck to you and blessings on your journey. ((hugs))

  4. Sam, such a journey we have traveled together without even knowing one another. I relate to how you molded and bent yourself to fit in. I did it too. How liberating to untangle yourself and share with others. 🙂
    Lori

  5. Absolutely beautiful and insightful writing! I enjoyed every word–I wish there was a LOVE button; “like” sometimes doesn’t do justice…

    1. Ahhh, thanks so much. I often wish there was an “I hear you” button or a “I support you button.” That was very kind of you. And thank you for following my blog. Love to you, Sam 🙂

  6. Beautifully written Sam: I too have spent most of my life afraid…of everything. Especially people, but what I am realising is that most people are afraid. What I have also realised, and you Sam, are testamony to this, in that all this fear we feel gives us a chance to practice bravery.
    In my opinion, You are very brave.
    It’s OK to be yourself…..you are wonderful no matter who you are. 🙂

    1. Yes, the more I come in contact with others, the more I realize many of the feelings I have others have, too. Perhaps the doubts/fear occupy my mind more, and sometimes “limit” me more, thus I am happy to take away the fear aspect. This prose helped me release much. Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. Yes, I do believe that true courage is facing fear. In all ways we are courageous! Hugs and love Sam

  7. It’s not unusual to fear the things we love. What we love, we are afraid of losing. Also, part of loving someone is the feeling of wanting to fuse with that person, to share vulnerabilities and dreams; and that’s scary.

    People with Asperger’s and people without Asperger’s are more alike than different, deep down. I’m afraid of people, too, sometimes, and was more afraid when I was younger than I am now.

    Thank you for your insights. And your bravery.

    1. Yes, people are more alike deep down. That is what all the lovely people who comment on my blog are helping me to see. Thank you. When I express the fear, it diminishes the fear. And I am thankful for fear as it drives my courage and helps me to connect to others at a deep level. I have shared vulnerability and dreams since I was very young to anyone, not knowing boundaries of conversations, and was hurt, that is part of what I am unlearning—the hurt part—that it is okay to share now. Thank you so much for your kind comment. Love, Sam

  8. i was almost convinced i’m your subject here, Sam 🙂 🙂 i’m amazed at the congruency of our thoughts!!!! it’s like a parallelogram…everytime i read your blogs, Sam…i go…”my sentiments exactly” 🙂 kudos for another FANTASTIC read!!!! love the music, too…{{{{hugssss}}}}

  9. YES! Oh, my word YES! People are my greatest fear. Well if you haven’t guessed last year… around this time I had something rip apart my world, and I had to face A LOT of things about myself that I had hidden from myself. My whole year has been a painful, and at times devastating state of mental and emotional change.

    Your first paragraph resonated so much with me. I cannot tell you how much your words mean to read and confirm my own feelings. Part of what has been going on the last couple weeks for me is another round of deep penetrating change. It is hard to process, work through, and share, but your words give me courage and help me keep on my next step of this journey. I do not want to hide, and I can no longer pretend. There is too much out of my box!

    Your post reminded me of a poem I wrote when I first started embracing my change. At first it felt good, freeing, and wonderful – later it got deep, dark, and painful. I will shout and sing that no matter what it is worth it! So I share the beauty and freedom that I felt in this poem because it always comes. The beauty and freedom always come!! It is so much better to share journey’s with others. Thank you for sharing too!!! Awesome post!

    http://mindretrofit7.wordpress.com/2011/06/20/treasure-box/

    1. Angel,
      This is a very open and powerful comment. I believe at this time many of us are going through a round of “deep penetrating change.” Especially as we are connecting and finding a new “family” and realizing we are not alone.
      “I do not want to hide, and I can no longer pretend” —Yes! That is what is happening to many of us. There is a reason. We are making a change in ourselves and as a collective. Each of our individual courageous acts (in words, in truth) is helping to make the other stronger or braver. You are helping me so much! I am cheering for you, we, and us!
      Your poem expresses the journey perfectly. Thank you for sharing the precious prose with me.
      So much better to share our journey with others! Yes!
      Your words are very inspiring! You rock Angel!
      Big Virtual Hugs! 🙂 Sam

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