I continually pray for humility, unconditional love, the release of judgment, and for the refinement of discernment.
I pray for love and forgiveness of self and others.
In this journey of blogging and forming a support group online, I am continually confronted with ego and ego-desires. I find myself watching the number of hits to my blog, dissecting my site’s stats (visits), and keeping track of member numbers—none of these facts are a reflection of me as a person, of my worthiness, of my talent, or of my completeness and wholeness in spirit.
I am enough without anyone validating my experience.
I know these truths, but remain trapped in a web of reconfirming my “enoughness” based on others’ perceptions.
I try to remain balanced and aware, reminding myself that what someone says or doesn’t say makes no difference in who I am.
Still, I am human, and as a human I fall victim to my own weaknesses and frailties of character.
Recognizing I am perfect just the way I am, with or without weakness, with or without frailties, I focus on releasing ego, and embracing my inner light and abundance of love for many. I celebrate in each and every life I connect with, knowing if I am able to help only one person, that the one is more than enough.
I go on my knees in humility and honesty, admitting my shortcomings, and in doing so expose ego and lessen ego. In my humaness I remain, but in my spirit I triumph through the obstacles of fear and doubt.
I am.
I am enough.
Below is Releasing Ego, a prose I wrote in response to what I heard in prayer in the spring of 2011. I share this today for myself and for deeper reflection. This is a reminder to me that I am not a number. Ego is attached to numbers and recognition and acknowledgment. Spirit is free.
Releasing Ego (by Samantha Craft, Spring 2011)
Sometimes in releasing ego there is a period of regret and denial of one’s true calling—a mourning of what was, what was familiar, and what was important. There is a twisting of reality, thoughts and ideas, and a reevaluating of what is real and heartfelt.
Without ego there is little to be thankful for, except the essence of being. When in the ego state we are in a constant state of thankfulness or disappointment. Everything and everyone is continually evaluated and ranked by effectiveness against self-measures. There is no other way for ego to evaluate, except through the lenses of his own eyes and ideas, and inevitably his own limitations.
When we step back and simply ask to release ego, we are inviting a new way of looking at the world, and everything inside this world. The world we once recognized as ours is no longer owned, just as our words and thoughts can no longer be ours. In truth nothing is ours anymore, once we partake on the journey of wholeness, choosing to leave behind this created sense of separateness.
At first this casting away of ego can feel very isolating and lonely, as if we’ve abandoned everything we once knew, only to find we knew nothing. At this point it is beneficial to remember the ego still exists only in reflection in memory, perhaps as a shadow exists on the sidewalk where you walk.
Like the shadow, as the clouds come, it may seem as if ego has vanished. But in the light of examination, we shall see that ego remains at our side molded and predetermined in shape and measure by our own being. In this way be aware of ego, as a constant companion who will swell up from beside you and attempt to arise within you, becoming less of a shadow and more of you.
His creeping and longing can be recognized in the longings of the mind. When you find yourself wondering what if, why and when, this is ego lingering and climbing, clinging in his merriment to your side, and attempting to slip his tentacles into you.
Ego is tricky and very much clever this way: for in our call to release him he is granted more eventual power, as he lay wake at our side waiting until we think he has gone eternally.
Our greatest weakness is in thinking we can dismiss ego, and in turn within our dismissive nature rests ego’s cunning device of apparent invisible power. In fact, it is exactly ego’s nature to take advantage of our nature, to build up self in order to build up ego. That is to say the more you make an issue and event over the exile of ego, the more you feed ego. That is to say the more you try to make your trials with ego important, the more you make ego important.
In realizing your struggles are no more greater or lesser than others’ struggles, we are then only able to decrease ego.
On releasing ego from thought of evaluation, in releasing our selves from thought of evaluation, we release ego. But the second we allow the evaluation of our efforts of release, we allow ego to grow.
Do not doubt ego waits at your side determined to control the steering of the mind and resulting attitudes; for once he is in control, he is capable of masterful cunningness. Once he is in control he is able to make you quickly forget you gave up control. He is like the first slice of pizza after a fast, the first beer after an AA meeting, the first taste of a rekindled love affair—he is a high, a familiarity.
Where we make a mistake (if such a word is to be used) is in where we place blame. The blame is not in the pizza, the beer, or the partner of the affair, but in the doer—and even more so in the motivation behind the doer.
When we reach for something we know is familiar, but not beneficial for our growth, it is not the element of what we are reaching for that is to blame for our reaching, but our intention to reach: Our very reason for reaching. In the case of ego, when we reach for him, he is no more the enemy than a slice of pizza; he is only the means to which we fall.
The reason we reach is primarily, and most certainly, our lack of trust in truth and love. We fall victim to the taste of what we once had, to that taste of power, of spotlight, of importance, of recognition, of praise. We reach because we want to be noticed. We reach because we want to be filled by that which once filled us. We reach because we have not been shown how not to reach.
Like the recovering addict, we need those around us that know what it is to have reached, to have attempted to partake in the old ways again and again, only to return to the truth.
We are not meant to journey alone. We are not meant to exist alone. So why is it in this journey to release ego we circumvent our own selves?
When you long for these familiars, the way things were, the way you’ve always known since birth, in this body, you feed ego. When you recognize you are longing, you feed ego. When you proclaim you are longing, you feed ego. And thus he grows.
And so we look at the alternate—this so called opposite, and we make our stand through a plan of lesser attack. We erase the longing by replacing longing with truth. In longings place we replace the recognition with longing, with the recognition of truth. In the place of proclamation we replace proclaiming our longing with proclaiming our truth.
And what is this truth, but love, acceptance and service. In these three we disrobe ego gently and heroically, without martyrdom and self-criticism, without bringing ego into spotlight. We do not display our love, we do not proclaim our acceptance, we do not brag about our deeds, but instead serve through example, a light to the world, a light that shines truth upon the shadowed egos all around us.
Look below, beside and above to where this ego stands and hides both at the same instant; disrobe ego, in the greatest of gentleness, through the removal of longing for what was, and replace with the acceptance of loving what is.
When you find yourself in circumstance of tears and upset, where you long for the love and attention you were once eloquently granted through ego submission, we ask that you go upon your knees and be thankful for the ability to see the lacking of ego, the lacking of praise and gratitude, the peeling away of truths that once you believed.
Open your hands to the true goodness of being, for the joy of being. Open your hearts to the possibility of existing, for no other reason than to exist.
Recognize that when you feel discouraged in your efforts, you are being brought further upon the circle of humility. You are being shown a mirror to your efforts. You are being reminded that true effort is effortless.
Look not for your brothers and sisters for validation that you exist, that you are good enough; look instead to the sincerity of heart.
May you find security and comfort in your journey, and know beyond knowing that when you search and search for this validation, and in return you hear silence from those on earth, that We are whisperings in your ear that you need search no longer, that truth is at your door, that the silence response is our knocking.
© Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com
Washington's pretty greens
Everyday Asperger's 
A very thorough appraisal of the ego. I too study my stats and hits, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. But before we berate ourselves too much for having an ego we must realise that it can have its uses. Without an ego would Gandhi have made such an impact? Or Jesus? Or JFK? Or Elvis? The ego can help us achieve magnificent things. We should embrace it, but realise what it is at all times. I for one want to reach as many people as I can with my message and that won’t happen if I don’t put myself out there. It’s difficult to positively influence another’s life if I don’t first engage with them, and to do that en masse requires a level of coordination, hard work and assertiveness driven by my ego. At the end of the day though you are right – personal peace comes from allowing that ego to rest a while – quietly! Love your posts. They get me thinking. 🙂
You share some valid and interesting points. I never thought of Jesus or Gandhi as having egos, but they did as they were human. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I would benefit from pulling away some and putting things in “God’s” or “Universe’s” hands. I know from the past that when I let go and release, beneficial events happen. Thank you for taking the time to write this detailed and thoughtful comment. Glad to know I’ve got you thinking…now if I could find a blog that makes me think less! lol 🙂
Sam
As always you speak to what is going on in my own mind, never ceasing to amaze me at the powers of the universe.
Great to hear! I agree. The powers of universe are amazing. 🙂 Sam
Thank god…for good or bad that you are who you are…To the right I see the wonderful person award, and that truly seems to fit here. For any of the choices you have made, the people who know you are truly lucky indeed.
So kind. Thank you. Now you’re building up my EGO again! Gosh darn it! Seriously, thanks so much. Your words are taken to heart. 🙂 Sam
Sam,
Just because, yesterday, I said you might have written the best blog of yours I had ever written, did not mean to try and outdo it just today!
Great Post! I think I will have to reread large sections of this one for several days. It resonnates with my soul and how I feel about things. I know ego is still there, but it has a smaller hold on me than before the stroke. The stroke gifted me with more of an “I don’t care” or “so what?” attitude. One of the blessings.
Scott
lol! Glad to hear it resonnates with you and your feelings. You are so fortunate to see the blessings in your ife. Special person you are! 🙂 Sam
Unconditional love – when we love the other even if they don’t do what we want them to do.
Ego – OK to have a healthy ego. Ego is with you throughout your life. Your best friend.
I had a therapist who suggested I had arrived when I could stop seeking other people’s approval and pat myself on the back when I did something that pleased me. Go for it. Dianne
Oh, yes. Ego remains, but putting the healthy spin on “him” sure helps! Thank you for your feedback. Smart therapist! Hope you are patting yourself on the back often. 🙂 Hugs, Sam 🙂
This really hits home. All this week I’ve been thinking and praying and reading my bible about love and forgiveness. Oh, how difficult those things can be. To really love unconditionally and to really forgive someone. How does one have the ability to forgive and forget. Ego stands in the way of alot of this for me. This past week I’ve described several incidents where my ego was challenged. I had to stop and think to myself, why am I getting so offended by somone’s perception or opinion. We all have them. We all are entitled to have them, but that does not mean one allows another’s opinion to rock their world. Well, I have and I don’t feel good about it. Reading your post today was cleansing for me. I really do need to work on releasing ego at least to some degree. Perhaps I should increase humility instead. Stuart made such a wonderful point. I know Jesus, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, JFK, Elivs and many others had to have egos to be able to accomplish the things that they’ve done and to withstand the impact that they made on society. What makes the difference between them and simple people like me? Could it be that ego needs to be countered by humility? Is it that balance that makes us harmonious inside? Being humble, possessing humility, the ability to love unconditionally and forgive without recall; an understanding, awareness and willingness to sacrafice, suffer and endure beyond our own comprehension. Could that be what makes the difference?
Thank you Jackie. Your words mean a lot to me. I gained much from your comment. So glad to know you! xoxox Sam
Ditto my friend 🙂 ❤
Hi Sam; Great post. 🙂
I have found the ego to be quite paradoxical. It seems the one’s with the biggest egos have the smallest reason to have them. Humility is an under appreciated quality in this world.
Hi Strawberry Indigo,
Paradoxical is a good fit. “…the smallest reason to have them,” — very interesting point. Thank you for your thought-filled comment. 🙂 Sam
What an excellent post Sam , you are an allrounder, a brilliant poet with lovely sense of humour and what a great understanding of one self….its a cool combo you have sista 🙂
About ego i read something way back and since then it has been kind of my mantra ..
You are not what you are called, you are what you respond to….and this is a good rule every where…As long as we are in this human body ego,expectations,hopes every thing will be there..you are so right about not being guided by them…
what a great read this has been
love ya 🙂
hugs 🙂
You should be a motivational listener! You are an A+ spirit lifter and praiser. I always think of how lucky your little girl is to have you. (And I know you feel blessed to have her.) I am a cool combo! Thank you! That’s so kind of you to say. I sometimes forget to look at myself with all my elements combined. There is no doubt I’m interesting. But I tend to see myself in parts: Goof, Over-Serious, etc… Your view helps me appreciate me more. So thank you for that.
“You are not what you are called; you are what you respond to” === Awesomeness.
You are so lovely inside and out. Thank you for being my friend. xoxox Love you Bunches ~ Sam
Hello lovely,
Wonderful post…You have grown since writing this in the spring of 2011. 🙂
I see your heart ~Sam and you know what my friend we all struggle with our stats.
Just the fact that you are open and share about it is so wonderful, and so you.
I find that for me once it’s out there and my closest friends are praying with me, it helps.
Don’t be so hard on your self my lovely friend, you help so many people by just being you.
“I am. I am enough.”
Absolutely you are, God created you to be you and who you are is such a blessing.
Love you my lovely friend. Lees. xxx 🙂
Yes, you are right my friend. I have grown. 🙂
Thank you for your kind words; they make me smile!
Prayers, yes!
I am. I am enough.
You are a huge blessing in my life. Much love and sunshine to you! ~ Sam
I am alone, I guess, in feeling somewhat lost. I think I’m lost as to “ego” as a starting point. Is it the “ego” of psychoanalysis, the part that reacts to the outside world (it seems this is the one) or “ego” as in – an egoism or conceit or self-absorption (maybe this is it), or the simple “ego” that is your personal self as opposed to others (which I don’t think it is)…
In the hardest of all times, when deathly ill or isolated and alone, we are all truly with our egos. In those times, ego must be our friend. We must love ourselves first in order to love others. So, ego would be a good thing.
If you are speaking of a conceit or vanity aspect of the self – then yes, as others have said, I would agree that we all want, crave, and fall prey to adoration, attention, compliments and high stats that indicate others regard us highly. Is that simply one of the 7 deadly sins? Vanity – or attempted vanity, as part of pride and envy? This bears work for all of us I guess. And what I hear you saying is we must release ourselves of its hold on us to be free from the stress that is the flip side of not having it but craving it nevertheless. I guess that is why it is sinful. If we accept what is and not seek more, then acceptance will cure us from seeking? I don’t know.
You are just too deep for me today – I’m thinking that we need that push, that desire for more to some regulated degree, to push us to our limits in being “all we can be”. If we accept where we are, what will motivate us to push ourselves to be more? To break barriers and make new discoveries? To believe beyond what is currently possible?
Look at that, I’ve laid my thoughts bare here, because of your writing. What does that say to your ego? 😉 xoxo
I read this last night and had to process your comment. 🙂
In my view at this moment: Ego is anything you believe it is. Ego is a unique experience to everyone. For me Ego is the aspect in my life that separates me from many things and people. It is an element I cannot define but begs to be defined. Ego causes me to become inflated and elated based on others’ reality and opinion; I wish to remain balanced and in a state of calmness. I know this takes much practice and that I remain human, but when I do not feed Ego, I feel more at peace, more love for myself, and more acceptance of others. Ego is fear-based. Everything of Ego stems from fear. I do not see Ego as good or bad. Because Ego is whatever I make him to be.
You laying thoughts out because of my writing says to my ego nothing. It says to my heart: Connection and Love. I choose the connection and love, over thoughts I could tell myself, such as: Good Job! “Good job” is praising myself based on your opinion and perception, possibly your mood or outlook. Choosing connection and love, is a win-win that has no good or bad side to the coin. I hope I made some sense. Hugs! 🙂
Light and Love to You ~ Sam
Hi Sam!
Sorry I have been unable to read and comment lately, but I am catching up now! 🙂
I have read many things about humility and the ego, in other religious circles humility can be spoken of in such a lethal and condemning way. There is a balance in walking in our complete giftings and not falling into an “Ego Trip.” I have not related to this type of ego (self) issue in the same way. I have gotten confused during sermons when the pastors or speakers are constantly talking about us needing more humility. Spending less time on pride and being less and less human while more and more “Christ-like.
While understand the concept I do not relate the way they speak of it. It only taps into my own self-attacks of making sure that I am not seen. Making sure that I do not share my talents or who I am because if I do everyone will think that I am being prideful, or that I may fall into some damning sin. (Your post did not make me feel this way I am only sharing my personal experience.)
My ego creeps up in a wanting to be invisible manner. I will go into the feeling of being uncomfortable and unable to receive compliments. I become fearful of sharing anything for the sake of feeling like others will think that I am trying to be “seen.” My ego comes in the form of self-destructive and self-condemning behaviors at times. It takes me to a lonely and isolated place. It’s not necessarily bad, I come out with a healthy version of myself and more balance. It is a constant struggle for me though.
Some have misread this as humility or “false-humility.” I came to the conclusion several years ago that it is a form of pride also. While it may not be seeking validation through people with positives it is seeking validation for negatives. It is still self-focused. However, I have to be careful with what I listen to or read when tapping into this topic. I will go down lists and lists of everything that is wrong with me, while in my churches I was constantly crying and begging God to forgive my pride. It was not my pride it was the pride of others that I had adopted. I have my own version of pride. 🙂
What happened to me was their ideas of what pride were (I know I am trailing off a bit from Ego) confused me and caused me to lose my gifts. I stopped them all for fear of falling into pride. I stopped writing, dancing, reading, listening to music, or sharing anything of me, for fear of not being humble.
Sorry I may be rambling, but I felt like sharing. It wasn’t until this past year that I finally embraced all of the pain and reasons for why I hid myself. I understand how helpful my ego was during that time. Ego can be painful, but in the end facing it, embracing it, and using it in a positive way can bring forth some pretty great things. Had I not embraced my ego I may never had commented on your blog for fear of being seen. 🙂 I constantly struggle with walking in balance, but I think that is where some great creative ideas and art come from so I am ok with that.
OH! Please let this make sense!!! Can you see your post got me thinking?? Good stuff, my friend, good stuff!
Lots of bubble hugs sent your way!
Please never feel like you have to read my posts. I do not expect it and will never expect it. You don’t need to put that pressure on you. No need for apologies.
With that said, I do love to see and read your comments, and to have your energy grace the pages. 🙂
I understand. I often did not relate to how the church spoke on ego. I believe many people with Aspergers already have loads of humility.
Your paragraph: “My ego creeps..” Oh, yes. I can relate to the entire thing. You word the experience very, very well.
Yes, seeking validation through negatives. I get that! I fall into that cave myself. I am learning this through blogging.
Oh my gosh! I have done the same exact thing: “stopped them all for fear of falling into pride!” Holy Moly. I know exactly this. Thank you!
I so needed to read this comment. Perfect timing.
You made perfect, perfect sense. I could have written your exact words! (probably not as clearly, though)
Great to be understood, my friend. Such a grand, grand journey this is.
Connecting is the key. I see beauty in you, and thusly know I am beauty.
Peace to you – Sam