Day 160: Decreasing Photons

I have the hardest time writing when I am trying not to confront what is troubling my mind.

At those times, when angst is knocking on spirit’s door, I tend to write romantic and lust-filled poetry, or distract myself with stories from the past. I tend to grasp onto my muse, my anchor, a jolt that compels me into another state of reality.

Today I am insecure. I am insecure about my appearance, my personhood, my ability to shine, and my very spirit. I am looping in thought. And the taters are hitting the fan. I am worried that I am not enough, even though innately I know I am. I am worried that I am a facade, even though at my core I know I am authentic. I am worried about my health and a host of other items.

Insecurity is an emotion I’ve dealt with pretty much my entire life on earth, at least ever since my mother and father divorced. My insecurity quadrupled in size when my mother divorced my stepfather, and I was never able to see my step brothers and sisters again. My insecurity grew when my best friend was kidnapped, my pets died as I predicted, my homes constantly changed, and my mother became lost in her own world. The emotion mutated and divided when I mistook a teenager for the man I would marry someday and teenage girls for trusted confidants. And grownups as safety. The emotion enveloped the whole of me when I reached adulthood and realized I was very much still an infant.

I remember being so brave, so strong, and trying and trying to do the right thing. If I could only do the right thing, then life would be manageable. I remember with clarity the day my friends collected starfish on the ocean shore; I remember running up the sandy hill to the the truck, and hovering in the camper shell weeping, because no one would listen as I cried and shouted on the beach that the starfish were living creatures, and my friends were killing them. I remember lots of times crying in enclosed spaces…in tents, in closets, under covers, in bushes….anywhere I could escape the sadness surrounding me.

I figured if I tried hard enough, I could make a difference in my world and within myself. Take away the horrible pain. I thought if I tried enough, I too would get the promises, the opportunity, the good stuff.

I tried so hard that I succeeded in many ways, I gather. Only I don’t know what I succeeded in or for whom.

I like to pretend sometimes I have the answers.

I like to pretend I am carrying this grand light of wisdom and trust, of faith and hope, of all things precious and divine.

I like to pretend ego is in the backseat, Source at the wheel, and my present moment is the only one that matters.

I like to pretend.

I can’t tell imaginings from reality. I can’t find the line. I doubt the line even exists.

Sometimes I think I shine too much. Sometimes I think I lost the earthly cloak that stops the inner glow, that stops me from becoming depleted. I wonder what I’ve given up in order to shine. I wonder if the dark is perhaps a better place to go.

I thought writing would be my avenue, my escape, a way I could finally be me. But the pressure is building and the patterns are starting, and everything seems a repeat. Again I am soother,  lifter, giver, sweet Sam, adored,  gentle, kind…so kind. I’m still flawed. I get that. I’m not perfect. But I lean to the side of trying to be perfect, trying to be what I think others want to see. I make others my gods, my suitor, my love. I make people my exact reflection; their opinions my barometer. I see in my own mirror what I imagine others see. And then I tell myself not to. To stop. To trust. And then I wonder what and whom to trust, when my very existence seems a dream.

No matter how many times I tell myself I am enough, I still search. I think that if a certain person loves me then everything else will be erased. I dream of being rescued. I dream of escaping this life. A life that by most standards is wonderful. I have no idea where I would escape to. I have absolutely no idea. I just know I long to escape.

My mind is constant. Everything and everyone is questioned. Each comment I answer is weighted and analyzed. Each word I write a drop of blood, a hope that I spoke correctly, I answered honestly, I did my best. Each letter of the alphabet carries the weight of an elephant.

Typing is not typing. Typing is risking. Each word leads to thoughts. Each thought to more evaluation. Why do I care? Why can’t I let go? Why can I not accept me? Why does one person hold my world and my worth? Why can I not care only about the other and not about me? Why is my ego still here? Why do I have any motive at all except love? What is the right amount of drive? Am I too driven? Am I not driven enough? Am I too honest? Am I not honest enough? What is telling the whole truth, if not laying out my emotions? What is truth?

And yes, what of this light? This grand light? Is it anything beyond descending and decreasing photons………….

________

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34 thoughts on “Day 160: Decreasing Photons

  1. Hello my lovely friend, you are human and you are as Aspie as I am. I totally understand the weight of words and I am so proud of you for sharing this post. I know how you analyse and fear hurting others, I do it too. You have a big heart and want to help all, but just like me you forget sometimes to look after yourself.

    I love how honest you are and I love that you hide nothing. You may feel that you are hiding in your creativity but you are not, it’s a gift from God and you write so well. Don’t fear being you, your light shines even when you are having a dark day. It’s in those times when we hit the pit of shutdown and then find the strength to keep going that we bring others out with us. We all have down days, if we are honest with ourselves. But we find healing in our tears and sharing.

    I thought of a quote, your hubby will know this one.

    Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light. ~Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling

    Keep shining, you shine even when you think you don’t.
    Love you so very much. Me. xxx 🙂 ❤

  2. Asperger’s all over this post, wouldn’t you say? You bled it today in my eyes as the mama of an ASD kid. Sometimes, I forget that is where I am (“Everyday Asperger’s”) but what drew me to you in the first place. Where I see some of myself and laugh and cry with you knowing. I feel everything you feel as well. Every comment made, every “ping” i hear for an email notification of a comment, every comment, every reply, every “like”, reading other comments to other blogs, subconsciously always checking the numbers, wondering if I’m too blunt, snooty, oblivious to the point, callous, “out-there”, making dumb jokes, failing to relate…failing to connect. Wanting to make the connection.

    It’s all human. But more than that it’s that whole “social” component of operating from the different perspective of an Aspie. You know. When you morph to try to please others, sometimes that is respect for others and social boundaries and sometimes it’s just a lack of knowing where those social boundaries are or how others will perceive them. Kinda like not seeing clearly all the time but still striving to do it right.

    From where I sit, you’re doing everything right. LOVE yourself. We all adore you. We all know you’re human no matter what you write – or (gasp) even if you put the pen (keyboard) down for 24 hours! We know you’d be back. Don’t push yourself too much (how much is that, right?) Deep breathe. Find your peace. You come up with valuable words every day. YOU come first. And never decrease your photons – they keep us in the light. xoxo

  3. I’m imagining, how you felt after writing this. And that picture of yours, resemble the exact person, pondering over life. In between the lines of past and the heart of now. A bare soul you have inked here, and it touches the core. Even I was going through self doubts today. This post of yours, is moving me to remove the falsity part. Life gives lessons, and we should learn. The same way I’m learning from yours, reflecting your shadow. So the reflections are transfused back to you, with universal love. To Breathe.

  4. Sam, i understand how you feel. While i almost dug into what you are going through, i remember that you are a spiritual being who is presented with the many unanswered questions in life for living in a physical body. All of these things that you experience are human experiences, and as a being put on this Earth to do more, things are going to weigh you down a lot easier than the humans who are used to Earth. Maybe the reasons why these thoughts are spiraling around is to let you reflect on them about how far you have grown spiritually. It is so easy to write these thoughts off as they can easily question one’s existence. I challenge you soul sister to read what you have written and write down what you feel, because sometimes viewing thoughts a second time can help. Be with yourself, in your own skin, because no one else can fill your body except you. No matter what you think, you are still here to make a difference and you are doing a great job at it. 🙂
    Love you soul sister. *Bear hugs*
    ~Maya

    1. Love to you little soul sister. I am not much into writing/talking today, but please know you are such a bright light in my life and so very, very appreciated. xoxox Sam 🙂 Your words meant a lot to me.

  5. Samantha Craft is human, thanks for taking that chance and sharing the part of you, that we the readers of the blog may not often see. And probably often forget. I believe we may think alike on many levels. This “I remember being so brave, so strong, and trying and trying to do the right thing. If I could only do the right thing, then life would be manageable” is my mantra for life, trying hard to get beyond it but I think we ingrain it in ourselves as doing right is the easy way to survive. There is a time when you or we each and everyone need to stop and realize we have things to deal with and that is OK, see life, emotions, and just being yourself sometimes gets in the way of or perceived plans. This post shows you Aspie-ness but each thing you right shows it in some way- the creativity in your poems, the fact that you think about things so deeply that too is part of the Aspie in us. It has it’s moments as everything does. “But I lean to the side of trying to be perfect, trying to be what I think others want to see” sometimes what others WANT to see most is just you. I was happy to read this today because it gave me more of a glimpse into you, that you are not all set with everything and that is OK by me. We are an overly analytic bunch of folks, that is not always good, sometimes you just need to not worry what others are going to think. I wish more people acted like that just believing they are saying what they want to say not what someone else needs to hear.
    Sometimes the light shines strongest as it burns through the darkness.
    Peace, Light and Love will be with you even when you don’t feel it,
    maryellen

    1. I understand what you mean….about needing to see others in all forms/sides to better understand your own journey. I am not writing much today, but please know how much your words help and how thankful I am for our friendship. Much love to you, Sam

  6. SAM…………
    let me tell You xoxoxox
    One of the most beautiful aspects of your character
    IS THAT YOU HIDE NOTHING …………..
    are Translucent in nature
    This is beautiful and raw
    Poignant and Pure ………
    I so believe in You and all you do ……

    we all have our days -right
    days of not believing in ourselves
    days of downs
    days of giddy heart
    days of strength

    You put all those days together and You get YOU FULL ON !!!!!!!!!!!!
    THAT’S REAL
    THAT’S TRUE
    AND THAT’S FAITH IN YOURSELF ……….
    AND ALL YOU BELIEVE IN

    LOVE YOU
    CAT XX

  7. Oh Sam…. my heart really broke open reading this… I know it is trying to energetically pull you in for comfort, soothing, love. You have so beautifully, and honestly articulated so much of what is true for those of us here on planet earth living a physical life, but knowing that we are tethered to the sky and the spiritual more than most. Everything is amplified for us, empathy is our operating system… we feel it all for everyone. And we want to heal and make it better for everyone….

    I understood your reflection on childhood as well… as I have lived a very similar existence. When I was 12 and my Dad told me he had a 2nd life and was leaving — the safety I knew and trusted was gone forever. I’ll never forget that day. I can see and feel it vividly even now… My reaction was internal, nobody else knew ~

    you worried about the starfish being killed and I had dreams of being on murder trial for stepping on an ant! So much in your words I can relate to. The thing I admire most about you today though, is your ability to articulate these awarenesses, to teach, to touch others with them… to look them in the eye and shake their hands. This to me says you are far along on your healing journey Sam.

    You have done today what is most amazing…. you faced your emotions head-on — named your feelings plainly. I believe destructive emotions are disempowered once they are named. I know you said the writing is sometimes a difficult thing, but think you will know when you are aligned with it, when it is a vehicle that you can turn to safely. If it’s not serving you this way Sam ….. take a break and turn to the passionate poetry and fantasy, knowing quite well that’s what is needed to make the shift. I myself just really beginning with writing some poetry specifically about pain, have found the escapism and fantasy, for me, is a safer place to be. I’m injecting my “stuff” into it, but feel there is a veil of protection that poetic expression offers in comparison to my narrative writings. So I get this.

    The main thing is to accept wherever you are at any given moment….embrace it and breathe. The next moment will flux (as you know). Your vibration will ebb and flow…. it’s all ok. One of my daily mantras, “I am where I am”… also, “I’m doing my best, and my best is good enough.” You are enough Sam — and so much more… Healing Hugs and sea sister kisses xo Robyn

    1. I am going to take some time to process all that you took the time to write. Your words are very, very helpful and healing. I hope you understand I’m not in the place to type much back, but that I just adore you and your spirit. Your words mean the world to me. Thank you so very much for sharing. I cherish your wisdom and truth. Hugs seas sister ~ Sam

      1. no need to reply at all… to be honest, I know you and I can communicate without words ~ just my sense…. more hugs and prayers that you are comforted and safe… Robyn

  8. Sigh…I live in this world too…constant worry…constant need of verbal reassurance…Constantly down and lack of belief in myself…Others will build me up..and I will knock me down…On good days or bad, you are enough…much much more so actually…And i know what you mean about the wrriting…it helpsssss….But..the demons still bang on the door…and some days much more forcefully…I hope your evening shows improvement…huge hugs…david

    1. Sigh, sigh, sigh…. We belong in a magic kingdom with elves, fairies and knights…at least I do…and I’m taking you with me! Until then, carry on being the kind authentic soul you are. I count on the Knight of Fishland….I will be better soon….processing……..all part of my journey. So thankful for our friendship. Love, Sam

  9. All of what you say here – this is all a part of life, too, isn’t it. We can’t be up and shiny all the time. Even though there is pressure from outside and inside to do so. Again I relate to so much of what is here. If I’m just a good girl, if I just do it the right way then everything will turn out. But it’s not that simple, is it. I spend so much time worrying and anxious about what people think. I am terrified of upsetting people. Where does that come from? (Well, I know where it comes from but why is it still so pervasive in my life, so that I spend hours worrying about giving my opinion to the person who has been my best friend for 33 years!!??)

    I have had some really down times recently and yet again have had that experience (which I keep forgetting) that amazing things happen in the dark. Transformation happens in the dark, like seeds into flowers. The dark gets a bad rap, I think, in our eternally-up culture. That culture is about as deep as half an inch of water. Whereas you are much deeper than that 🙂 Writing those posts where we bare all – man, it feels like I’m ripping my skin off. And then afterwards, when I read it back, it feels like yet again it’s one more opportunity for me to accept in myself that which I totally struggle to accept. It’s a very fine way, learning self-acceptance through your own writing 🙂

    I know that some people are turned off by anything other than perfection, other than something that will feed them and make them feel good. But then there are other people that know that other people’s sadness is beautiful, even though it can be tiresome and draining. There is a sacredness about people exposing their own wounds. It makes us all more human in the process, somehow.

    1. Such wonderful profound words, and I understand and agree with all of what you shared, so much. I feel very blessed to have my circle of blogging friends. Some of the most genuine and caring souls I have ever encountered. Thank you so much for this, for your kindness, for your understanding, and for your deep soul full of light. Hugs to you…..and thanks again for your wisdom. ~ hugs, Sam 🙂

    2. I love your comment. What a great reminder– we DO forget that amazing things happen in the dark. It’s hard to see that while we are there, but a very comforting reminder.

  10. I can SO relate to almost everything you said. My childhood was one of abondonment, abuse, neglect, and no (genuine) love. I can feel your pain because it is my own. I am quite a few years older than you and still struggle with the same issues of insecurity, self doubt, and all the rest, although not as often. I think it’s because I’ve accepted the fact that I have a damaged soul and no matter what happens I always will…but that’s okay, its who I am. I also know I can’t change the past even though it has changed me. However, I CAN change how I let it affect me, no matter how hard it tries. I have also learned how to appreciate and love the less than perfect things in life….like my dog with her slightly twisted leg and sensitive nature. In fact, I make a point of noticing and embracing things that are less than perfect as an ongoing affirmation that perfection doesn’t make things better, love and acceptance does. Which is what you must give yourself. Yes, you are a damaged soul but those are the ones with more compassion, love, and appreciation because we know what it’s like to be without. And then, when all else fails, when you start feeling down, try to get out of your own head (I know, that’s really hard!) by watching a movie or reading. Sometimes we just think too much.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this part of you with me. You are such an angel, and I can really feel your heart and soul in these words. They mean a lot to me. I thought about the damaged soul part you mentioned for a couple days….and this makes sense to me. I really cherish your wisdom and support. Huge hugs…..and yes….think too much, indeed. xoxox Sam 🙂

  11. Short and sweet – Sam, you are a beautiful wonderful person who I am very glad to have met. I feel I know you better than many of my relatives and would enjoy seeing you more.
    Scott

  12. Sam, life is chock full o’ peaks and valleys. We’ve got to experience the downs to enjoy the ups. Remember what Ringo Starr said, “You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues and you know it don’t come easy.” It’s valuable to go deep when questioning yourself sometimes—just don’t forget to come up for air!

    1. Air…..yes…you are such a great guy…so glad I adopted you…..luckily these deep blues only last a little while….I do get to process and grow a lot during the time period. Usually I am triggered by something….fear mostly, change in plans, health, travel plans, someone’s mood or energy, my fatigue or pain….I do have such a big brain that it is hard not to go super deep….but you are sooo right. Great quote, too. Thanks so much. Hugs to you, Sam 🙂

  13. Sam– thanks for a great post. You so eloquently captured the emotions I feel from time to time. In fact, I’ve been trying to work through/ignore/deny them these past few days, so this post was a gift.

    1. It is so wonderful to know that we all share that human/spirit experience and can uplift and hold one another just by sharing. Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot. It helps to know, that I am not alone, that others relate, and that even the “dark” days can assist someone. Your comment is a true gift. 🙂 Sam

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