A song I can’t get out of my head. There’s always one that sticks around for days.
“I have a deep angst in the depths of me that I have been carrying in my soul since May of this year. I do not have the words to describe this experience, except to say I feel a vast depth in my inner being that is filled with a mixture of love, passion, and longing. I have carried this from when I awake, until I sleep.
Dreams bring escape.
I have tried to figure out what to do with this feeling that feels akin to unconditional expansive love—a bottomless pit I want to fill with all the beauty about me.
I have had no choice but to pour the angst out of my soul day after day into prose and poetry. Each day I think I am emptied, only to find, time and time again, that I am not relieved for even a moment.
I have tried to pour this love into one person, and find that this love is not made for one.
I have tried to cry it out, walk it out, starve it out, laugh it out, talk it out….but alas it stays, lingering in the forefront of my every waking thought.
This love will not depart, and instead seems to grow with each coming day.
I know not what to do. The feeling is akin to the huge cavernous hole I would experience with the thought of expectation, a joyful event about to take place, a reunion of lovers, an anticipation of marvelous ecstasy.
The butterflies are a million. The energy persuasive and all-encompassing, as if heaven’s angels are all at once swirling within me, their wings stirring a golden dust of light.
I cannot move at times.
I cannot catch my breath at times.
And there seems to be no antidote.
I am slowly realizing that I am not meant to solve this riddle of love.
I am not meant to dislodge the love or give this love to one.
I am meant to embrace this love and welcome it. To say each morning: Welcome my angst. Welcome my calling. Welcome heaven’s voice. Thank you for letting me know I am alive. Thank you for letting me be your instrument. I welcome you with open arms. I embrace you. I walk with you for as long as you wish to be here. And I carry you for the world. This light seed. This watering can for the masses.” ~ Sam Craft, July 2012
We went to Mt. Rainier National Forest in the state of Washington, USA, yesterday.
I felt this unbearable love the entire drive there. I listened to music through my headphones and daydreamed of a forest glen, me as an elven princess, and of a charming knight. When we arrived at the basin of National Park I asked the heavens for a sign, for validation of this vast love I am carrying. Within minutes all the dark clouds began to disperse. Not long after, when I stepped out of the van, I turned, and this is what I saw.
This heart cloud was only there for a matter of seconds.
Later I asked for more signs. Greedy little girl I am…..because one heart in a beautiful clear blue sky was not enough!
I’ve always said that the angels have a sense of humor…. These are the signs I was given.
Signs on the path my family made for me and my youngest, so we could find our way to the end of the trail.
I am still learning to SPECIFY when I make requests for signs!
Hours later, as we finished our 5.5 mile hike, I looked up to the sky, and specifically asked for a sign to validate the overflowing love I have inside and to confirm one of my deepest desires (a desire which I shall not mention because I don’t have to–giggles and blushing)
And in an almost cloudless sky, another heart cloud formed right then and there above me.
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“Your truth speaks for those still listening for their voices, between the frayed and hanging stitches of their seams.” ~ My Aunt’s words to me
Oh, and here are my toes.
Tomorrow I shall post some lovely photos of the National Forest. Almost as lovely as my big toe. Or I shall share a silly slumber party poem that mentions the word shagging! Or both. Or something else. Isn’t life wonderful? All these choices. And toes…..glorious purple toes.
Everyday Asperger's 
Lovely words and images, Sam! And cute little toes as well!
hehe…I’m such an elven princess at heart….Thanks George. You are always so kind. Hope all is well. 🙂 Sam
Living in the moment and soaking it in, without expectation or judgement of ourselves, or others is the biggest gift we can give ourselves, and humanity. Each moment, when lived fully brings us closer to each other and our amazing Spirits. May we all, in our own time, become seamstresses of Love and Light, one beautiful stitch at a time. I love you Sam.. xx
Oh….you poet……I just ooze in my soul (in a good way) when I read your words….I wonder if that’s the power of my words…because I feel it when I read yours. Maybe you are an elven princess, too! Such a lovely woman you are. HUGS and KISSES ~ me
I love you, you are such a little girl, we are so alike. Your words above your angst you know I get it, so no need for me to say anymore. Your purple toes are very cute, you obviously washed your feet after your hike then. Your signs made me giggle, God has a great sense of humour. 😉
Your Auntie sound very wise, does she speak like that a lot? Can we swap Aunties?…only kiddin, I love my Auntie really…hehe. I know you get my homour.
Love you so very much Mrs Basna Woodelf, cloud keeper/shape-shifter extraordinaire.
Me…the Banana Bread, I need a better name. xxx 🙂 ❤
I’m on your blog right now! 🙂 hehehe
Yes….you know of everything I keep hidden….lucky you! 😉 My aunt is a wise and tender woman who has overcome many challenges in her life. Love you bunches banana bread. xoxoxo me
Hmm and my post for tomorrow is on the color purple and you have purple toes. Another sign?
BB
You have expressed yourself sooooo beautifully here Sam. I love how you took us on a soul journey with you…as you sought to find the solution to your longing and the meaning of your angst. I especially loved that you resolved that the grand remedy is to say YES to it all!! Reminds me soooo much of a poem by Rumi…. I will go get the link – it’s in my poetry section ~ you may know it “A Guest House” xxoo Love to you dearest sea sister ~ your photos are spectacular and the toes Divine 🙂 For you: http://throughthehealinglens.com/poetry/the-guest-house-welcome/
And I love you photos…especially the floating heart of clouds! I took one of these the other day too! The forest looks amazing!
Cool toes. And so many floating hearts… beautiful.
Thank you. 🙂
Lovely words to go with great photos… love the hearts in the sky… they always tell a story…. happy photos, lovely photos… Purple toes with flowers.????? who paints those on for you???
I pay to get those flowers painted on. 🙂 One of my splurges…pedicures, complete with massaging chair and hot water foot bath. 🙂 Thanks for the visit. Always a pleasure to see you here. ~ Sam
Lovely words and images, Nice post!
thanks much 🙂
It’s not only in knowing how to ask for the signs, but I’d say it’s also about how to see them once they’re delivered to us. Sounds like you have the ability to recognize them– that’s a gift. If we’re not in the moment, we they could easily pass us by. Nice toes! 😉
Thanks so much. 🙂 Glad you liked the toes. hehehe. Hope all is well with you. Great to see you. Sam
Lovely post and lovely toes. I understand you Sam. I am grateful you post and share. I feel your warm compassion drifting my way.
Hugs,
Lori
Thank you for your sweet kindness. So wonderful to be understood. Grateful for your presence. Warm wishes to you. Hugs and love, Sam 🙂