Day 171: Release

Jealousy. Your voice loud and rhythmic, unceasing, like hornets droning piercing words into ear. You buzz, forging into the depth of my mind. Stinging eruption. To feed you, to return to hive, to calm your fury-dance, I submit to my weakness, my self-doubt, my agony. Submit and release, and whisper across your wings, I am beauty infinite.

Anger. Your drumming eternal. Imploding and exploding simultaneously. Releasing your nectar poison, red army ants feasting on organs. Nibble bite, nibble bite. Appetite continuous circle, no tail, no mouth, only motion. Captive screaming in pain; until released with open arms to the enveloping space. Accept all that enters, so same door may provide exit. To the torture, bid goodbye as lady kisses sailor to sea. To return with gifts and longing, when empty heart is stirred again.

Grief. Your fingers dip inside me, a thirsty stranger reaching in to drink. I am lessened, depleted, dried, and withered, and left again with twisted thoughts of what ifs, where, and when. Now, this moment, no longer exists, only dancing shadows that turn and move wildly in search of clothes they cannot wear and mouths that cannot move. Your voice is shallow. Your echo deep. Penetrating the very essence of my love-filled being. I remove you slowly, through tears, replenish body by giving freely the desired water to earthly dweller.

Remorse. Time is a player. He cascades across hallways of the past. Time playing in time. Not a man, nor woman, not beast, or plant. But an illusion. Some witness of a passing that does not exist. An invisible keeper of invisible existence. Back and back, revisiting the avenues of sadness. Turn back the clock to appease the dragon, only to be set afire. Singed and ash-covered by pretend foe. To return and breathe in emptiness, where cloaked imaginings cannot wander or exist. To arise unscorched like phoenix through forgiving sun. Bid mind’s searching goodbye. Leaning into the hope and promise of new day.

Lust. Awe, sweet angel dressed in black. You feed off of soul. Tempting the temptress, warming the warmer, cascading round pools of opportunity. I see you swerving, a lady of painted words. Come hither forward and fill me true with wishes of what will be, if given chance. Come hither forward, too, and show thy whole self, the aftermath and consequence. The red of what bleeds through when nothing covers soul but enchanting mystery. I give in and feel the eruption, caressing the dreams, only to rise half-full and more hungered. The more you entice, the more I search. Until at last I come home, with appetite for self, moving beyond the promises that hide behind unknown curtains.

Want. I breathe in the sunshine of your valleys, the moon of your sea, the gelatin of bone. I wear you. The finest cloth and richest jewels. I twirl and spin, a child in her dressing game. Giggles of delight. A borrower, a lender not. A giver tainted. A sunlit smile turned over for inspection. Take. Possess. Own. Obtain. Grab. Hoard. Stop. This need. Turn inward to the greatest castles of existence. The mountains filled with treasures buried within the endless soul. Searching not for what is lacking but what is already given. The limitless capacity for growth and transition. The all-encompassing ability to love immensely within an eternity of release.

26 thoughts on “Day 171: Release

    1. I hope that is a beneficial thing……lol….Just kidding….embracing my mind and all its uniqueness. These were the thoughts I had before falling asleep last night. Hugs Cutie xoxox Sam

  1. I went to bed with so many good thoughts and feelings.. Thank you for sharing many of them.. especially the ones that no one else hears.. Love you Sam!!! xxx

  2. You give life to emotion with words. So many ways for each of us to personalize the words to our lives and give meaning to our experiences. You have a gift, my dear sweet Sam! Lots of love to you!! xoxo You are so YOU!! Love – lots!! 🙂

    1. So me!!!! Sigh….I do think so… lol…..still smiling at the 15 years to same spot…he he…..It was so fantastic meeting you. You are such a dear heart. Look forward to another meet up in the future. Hope IEP is going well today. Holding you in thought. 🙂 Sam

  3. Brilliant — each emotion has persona — and you portray each with splendid imagery that can make one hold their breath in awe (i did 🙂 ~ thank you dear Sam for offering your gifts here and touching hearts in such a profound and lovely way xo

    1. Awe…thanks…I did feel the personas; wasn’t sure anyone else would. You are very welcome. I write because I have no choice, much like your photography and words I imagine. Many healing thoughts, and look forward to more of your wonderful and talented works. Sea Sis Sam 🙂

      1. yes – I know what you mean. I have not been doing well here this week and have felt more compelled than usual to post daily. Forced myself not to yesterday as the sitting and postural strain is really not working for me with the flare I’m in… but just creating with photos and words is a type of therapy I don’t want to abandon. Really tough call.

        So yes – I do understand you feeling ‘no choice’ 🙂
        Maybe time for me to post that heavier pain shadow piece i mentioned… somewhat guarded about putting it out there – though most won’t really get it the way I experience it since it’s very personal to my syndrome ~ may just seem weird to most??
        Have been hiding behind my more fantasy/philosophical expressions 🙂 Really admire your ability to self-reveal Sam — Sending LOVE! xo


      2. oh….sigh…so sorry for your pain…makes me tear up…why do beautiful people have to experience so much pain? Hiding…yep….it is a source of renewal though…replinishing me enough to forge ahead into the sometimes not so easy areas….Much love to you I will keep you in thought. Weird??? Silly people…if they think that…..pain is pain…no matter how expressed…mood is mood…emotion is emotion..journey is journey…Do what is beneficial to your healing. HUGS of love Sam 🙂

      3. Thanks so much for that Sam… think it will be odd to read because I refer to a lot of anatomy and movement — and if someone has not experienced this kind of pain which is not your typical type of pain – they may not get it. I am unable to be still, and comfortable …always doing ‘contortions’ and squirming in some sense… even in sleep. Anyway – i tried to do it as artfully as i could — maybe will post it for tomorrow … you will have to let me know your take — and sure hope something is beneficial for healing as have been so limited. Sending big Hugs of Love to you~ RL

      4. I will for sure let you know…I had to sit in a funny way in the van yesterday….know what you mean…but I know your pain is very different than mine. HUGS xoxo

      5. Thank you beautiful warm hearted friend… yes – the journey you just took is mind boggling to me. I’m on my knees in the car on 1 hour drives to the dr. I hope you recharged some ~ and had fun too ~ Much LOVE

  4. Jealousy, Anger, Grief, Remorse, Lust, Want…only you could take these parts of being human, open up yourself wide and dig in deep. Then pour out your thoughts wrapping your tangents, loop and intensity in words around emotion, making them sound so bloody amazing.
    How do you do it? You really do have a gift my lovely friend.
    Love you so very much. Me. xxx 🙂 ❤

    1. My new all time FAVORITE comment…..”bloody amazing” You make me smile from the inside out. No one out there as special as you, sweetie. Love you so much.xoxox Sam

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