Day 71: I Had a Dream

What has happened to me in the last five years. What goes on in my head.

Thank you for being part of my journey. You will never know how much you have healed me. Bless you.

As always, this is my journey and I am not trying to push my experience or belief system onto any person. Click here to see my thoughts on spirituality.

I Had a Dream

The Spring of 2005

Except for the light from the slivered moon the road was black.  My foot hit the pedal and I sped up faster and faster towards the tracks.   Mangled is what I wanted.  But I wouldn’t have the nerve to stop, to wait for a train.  There would have to be another way.  Perhaps a motel off the interstate, perhaps some pills and a forever sleep.  I shook away the thought and breathed a prayer.  “Please, help me.”

The ache of the past had become my own Siamese twin.  So much so, I didn’t know where my pain stopped and my true self began.  I was pain.  I was the past.  We shared the same blood.  Everything and anyone could conjure up bitter memories, especially certain sounds and smells.  Everyday was yet another rerun of all the misery I’d viewed before.  The scenery and characters might change, but the plot and outcome never altered.  I knew all the psychological jargon, the self-talk, the imaging, meditation, and so on; and they served as my air so to speak, the invisible space which kept me temporarily afloat as I waved back and forth in a stormy sea clinging to an inflatable raft filled with holes…

The rest of this story is in the book Everyday Aspergers

 

© Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com

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25 thoughts on “Day 71: I Had a Dream

  1. Hanging on edge as usual….So many turning points in our lives Samantha….This was an amazing one for you…Can’t wait for tomorrows post!

  2. I CAN’T READ YOUR DRAWING SAM – TOO SMALL FOR MY VISION BUT I AM STARTING TO REALLY UNDERSTAND THE MIND OF YOU – THE HEART OF YOU ……….
    AND YOU HAVE ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WAYS OF BEING HONEST AND DIRECT – EMOTIONAL – YOU ARE AN ACTIVIST – BUT A POETIC ONE 🙂
    I STAND FOR YOU !!!!!! BIG TIME ………..
    YOU ARE INDEED AN ANGEL XOXOXOXO
    I HAVE AN ANGEL SONG FOR YOU IN HEART …….COMING UP IN A SEC 🙂 ALL MY LOVE AND SUPPORT –
    A FEW OF THE KIDS IN THE CHOIR THAT I VOLUNTEER WITH HAVE ASPERGER”S
    AND I FEEL THAT WE ARE ALL THE SAME ……
    ALL IT TAKES IS UNDERSTANDING AND GENTLENESS …..AND OF COURSE KINDNESS ……:)
    COMING BACK WITH ANGEL MUSIC 🙂 XOXOXOXO
    CAT

    1. I didn’t intend for people to read it in detail, just a glance. It’s mostly for me. Did you see the story below the music video? Thank you for kind words. I like the thought of a poetic activist. 🙂

      1. YES !!!!!!!!!
        KINDA LIKE YOU
        TAKE IT ALL IN AT ONCE
        SPEED READING AND LISTENING ……
        AND FEEL THE EMOTION – ALL OF THEM IN ONE BREATH ,…………….
        YES !!!!! YOU ARE A POETIC ACTIVIST …..
        I AM A QUIET ACTIVIST ……. FOR THE VISION IMPAIRED …..I UISED TO BE LOUDER WITH IT ….
        NOW …..
        I JUST ENJOY BEING SUPPORTIVE IN ALL WAYS I CAN XO.

        HERE IS HOW I HEAR YOU !!!!!!!
        IN MY HEART XOXO
        ARIA BY MOZART ……..
        LOVE LOVE LOVE
        XX
        CAT

  3. Very interesting story! It has stirred some kind of intense feeling inside me as I was reading it…I’m not quite sure what it is but I wish that I have that kind of vision you had. You have found your true calling, Sam. I truly believe that our dreams have meanings in our lives. I have yet to find out about mine…lol…I’ve had bad dreams and good dreams…all of which I still don’t have a clue as to how and why.
    In regards to the “spiritual” part of your story, it doesn’t bother me one bit. I am also very open to other people’s spiritual beliefs. I keep mine to myself. This is another awesome story and I believe your sincerity when you said it’s based on true events. Now, one question, Sam, if you don’t mind…lol…who’s Bob? 🙂 🙂

    1. You have a good eye. I use Alex for Bob sometimes in my writings. But I changed it to Bob, since readers know my husband as Bob. Bob is his name. Thanks for reading. I’m glad the spiritual part doesn’t bother you. Love your comments. Thank you for sharing and your kindness. 🙂 Sam

    1. Very true. I have always written, but not to the degree after this experience. Then, I wrote everyday for a year, except one day. Thanks for the read and commenting. Thank goodness for writing. 🙂 Sam

  4. The spiritual part doesn’t bother me either. I have become very comfortable with the idea that each of us needs and finds and explains God in our own way and what works for one may or may not work for another. If I no longer fully believe in something, especially something that I used to, then I no longer need it, but others might.
    What you wrote held me spellbound. I teared up and partly because it sounds so much like my time. It seems long ago, but it really wasn’t so very far away.
    I think you would like “Conversations with God Book 1”. Amazon carries them used very cheap. I try to keep an extra with me to loan out whenever I can.
    You reach a part of me that is very deep down, Sam, thanks.

    1. I am open to many belief systems. Have you read my “Sliver of Sacred Hours” — the link is on the top of this post. You might find it interesting. I have read Conversations with God, and I did enjoy the works. Thank you for the reminder. Thank you kindly for your comments and explaining how you connected. 🙂 Lots of Light ~ Sam

  5. …….Standing alone in the darkness, I looked down at my three small children—how sweet their faces, how tender their skin. I kissed them each, softly and purposefully, watched as their eyes fluttered.
    They hadn’t known. None of them had known. To them I’d merely stepped out of the house. To them nothing had changed…….

    The power in you that brave fighting spirit, the faith you may have never thought you have had i you….. brought you back and what a lovely dream you dreamt..not just for yourself but for others too….
    You make me so happy and proud that i am your friend Sam..every day with every post with humour and the thought provoking ones
    I am blessed to have you in my life….and so is every one who knows you….
    Hugs 🙂

    1. Your words always have a way of finding me at the perfect time. Just when I need some positive energy and or an uplifting message.They really do. I, too, am blessed to have you in my life. You take such time in all of your comments to people who blog. What a gift you are to others. I hope you know how much happiness you spread.

      Sometimes this brave fighting spirit does want to stay in bed and sleep the days away. In knowing there are gentle and strong souls like you, I have the courage to keep going. Huge Huggie Vibrations shooting across the earth to you! Have a fantastic week. ~ Sam

  6. I cannot put into words how much I relate to this. It hits very close. When I first saw your Everyday page on FB, I was shaken a bit because I had been seeing images of a large tree in my mind for days. I even shared that with a friend. The tree I had been imagining had been bringing comfort for days. I remembered that I wrote this poem http://mindretrofit7.wordpress.com/2011/09/02/song-of-the-trees/.

    During the month of February, I was writing a story about an owl that lived in this tree that I had been imagining, and her friend the raven. 🙂 How ironic.

    1. I looked at the link and left a message. I love the picture you posted of the trees. Perfect. And your poem was wonderful. One of my favorites I’ve read of yours, thus far. I’m glad the words hit you close. That way I know I’m not losing my mind! You are so great. Thanks for taking the time to read all these posts. Ironic, indeed. 🙂

  7. In reading your experiences, i felt connected to you. Like the feeling of an authentic film, rich with detail and spiritual wisdom. Even with all the post i’ve yet to read, I recognize just how amazing and gifted you are. How brave you are to share your journey with others, and how learn to rise above. I had this visual thought, seeing your journey in a movie or documentary, showing how you’ve evolved into the person you are today. I love you and hope to meet you one day. Hugs.

    ~ Your soul Sister Maya

      1. Awwwwwwww, thank you soul sister Sam. 🙂 You would be proud at how much i think of the golden rule: treat others how you want to be treated, so i ask myself “how would i feel if someone were to say or treat me a certain way” and it has helped me a lot. Having a constant reminder keeps me on my spiritual path. And meeting you on here, has really helped me connect to a different side of myself, even if it takes a while to sink in, And when you have talked about letting go of fear, i connect to the reminder to let go of it as well, it’s just all in how it processes. i really appreciate your love and support. It’s wonderful to have a friend like you. 🙂 ❤

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