Day 126: Strawberry Eruption

Maui 2012
Blessings

This song says it all. I’ve been living inside the melody and words. And for those of you who say this was before your time, I stick my tongue out at you!

I have at least eight people I would consider very close friends, and two powerful friendships that are just forming. Some close friends I have known for decades and others a couple of years. My close friends, I can honestly say, feel the same about me, as I do for them. I’m not “blessed” with friendship. I worked darn hard to have my friendships—I studied relationships through books, movies, and even took courses. I learned how to be a good friend; more importantly, I learned how to be ME!

I found out a few years back that I’d rather have one true friend, to be in a relationship in which I am entirely authentic, than to have hundreds of superficial relationships. Years back, when I had a major crisis in my life, I found out who my true friends were, and learned the hard way, through emotional agony, that just because someone attends your social gatherings and chats you up in public, does not mean they truly care about you as a person. I am pleased to say, I have a circle of loved ones that care about me for me. And I, too, love them for them. Once I have a friend, there is pretty much nothing that friend could do to pull me away, or make me stop loving them. My friendship just keeps growing; unless, the relationship is unhealthy and deemed non-beneficial in my eyes; then of course, it is time for me to say goodbye, and be thankful for the bond we had.

Maui
2012

This post is not about ends, though. This post is about the beginnings of friendship.

I know now, through much trial and error, that ultimately, if I am not true to me, and walking a path of authenticity that I am ultimately being accepted for someone I am not and be rejected by ME. I know my light. I know my beauty. I see this reflected in the mirrors of my friendships. And in this beauty I have extreme confidence that I am a worthy person, loving, and actually pretty darn cool to have around. Of course, I am highly aware of my quirks and intensity. My eyes are wide open as far as my personhood and spirithood is considered. I understand, too, that only some are able to be my friend, those with the capacity to cup in their hands my true, very bright light. I used to adjust my light to fit the person. I’d dim as to not be so bright—in essence self-implode and crawl into the darkness to appease. I don’t do that anymore. If anything, I turn my light up higher when I enjoy someone. I have learned that I would rather face a million rejections than to be loved for someone I am not. For ultimately, if someone loves me for a shadow of myself, they love only the air beyond the light. I want to be loved for me. Amazingly, I found out, this attribute of shining my true colors is a quality many people appreciate. Don’t get me wrong, I still get hurt. I still get rejected. But the beauty of being me makes up for the passing ache and pain of loss or misunderstanding. I long to be me. I am me. And I adore me.

However, being the light that I am…sigh…sometimes the feelings I have for someone are so very intense that I know not what to do with myself. Usually the intensity is brought on by a definite knowing and soul-connection. Sometimes the other person feels the same, which generally leads to an easy and wonderful relationship. Other times, a person does not understand the heart of me, doesn’t see me for me, and then the experience is less easy. It is then I feel somewhat isolated in my experience, like I’m a two-man act standing alone or perhaps dragging my friend along the yellow-brick road when she would much rather be at home.

Lately, my feelings are on overdrive. I don’t know what has been happening to me at a soul-level, precisely. I can feel what is happening, but I can’t describe the sensation with accuracy. It’s akin to trying to describe the feeling of giving birth to a child, that feeling when I first saw my child’s face. I can’t describe the experience, except to say I feel like I am staring into a part of me, a beautiful part of me.

Maui
2012

I wrote this last night. It sums up how I’m feeling somewhat:

“I am turned on by love. I can’t help it. Everytime someone says the word or writes the words love, I get this erotic sensation all over! It’s crazy making, in a good way. I am turned on by love songs. I am actually eating the songs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I have no want or desire for food! I’m only eating to keep healthy and fit. Not for pleasure. I long to write poetry and prose all day, to take photos of nature and people, especially older people with stories etched across their face. I long to be a part of the water, to be in the water, to paddle across and feel myself move on the ripples. I long for connection. I want to read people’s stories, to hear their truth, to comfort, to connect, to love.

What have I missed all these years with my eyes and heart closed; some slave to fear—some scared cat clawing at her own fur before another could attack? I’ve missed thirty years. Not completely, but entirely; in the sense that my heart has been encased in some large trap with large teeth and large angry eyes. Made prisoner for decades; three to be exact. Never before until today, did I know what it felt like to sit by the water and just be. To be one with nature. To watch the birds, to understand why people watch birds! Even the lake water sang out to me—the ripples an erotic symphony of sensual pleasure. The trees are greener. The air fresher. I am breathing for real. Taking in air and filling my lungs with the sensation.

What miraculous and grand alterations have transpired. What journey I traveled to get where I now stand. Not one regret, for the journey was worth every step to lead me to such ecstasy of life. I am vibrating with a wonderful energy, some forty-something mom, transporting in time back to the era of love-child. Everything and everyone is beautiful. Everything on earth a miracle. And I’m drug-free. This isn’t some hallucination or even a high. The feelings are all over the board. I have intense joy and bliss coupled with a deep empathy and love for all my surroundings. I am dancing inside poetry and music. Dancing inside every song I hear. I am understanding lyrics for the first time—the intensity of the longings, the heart-break, the unquenched desires. I am understanding, too, the limitless depths of the human experience, and how much fear feeds as a blanket to the beauty of life.

My hands are vibrating all day long with a gentle and uplifting tingle. My eyes and skin continue to glow. I look younger. I feel younger. My physical pain has decreased. I am attracting beautiful souls from all over the world. I am so thankful! When I try to worry, for the most part, I can’t. There is some sort of mental block. To even say I am trying to worry, seems so ridiculous! But I actually cannot think about what could be considered common-day problems. They all seem so insignificant. All I want is love.

I must be radiating because strangers are starting conversation with me, smiling, waving, even turning heads. I can’t stop smiling. It finally feels easier to smile than frown. I can’t stop thinking about life and how wonderful life can feel when fear is released.

I don’t know how I got to this state. This feeling has been gradually building since the beginning of May. The salty waters of Maui intensified the feeling, and returning to the healing green of Washington put me up another notch. I am submerged in joy. Excited about life. There is so much I want to do. And so many people I want to embrace. I am wondering where to begin, but then not really wondering at all. It is more of a feeling of excitement and newness, like a child being let out of a cage for the first time.”

I am naming the sensation described above: The Strawberry Eruption. For at the center of me is an erupting fruit.  Maybe it’s that whole second chakra thing I scribe about on day 124. Or maybe it’s something entirely different. I really don’t know. I’m just riding the wave—this little bursting berry.

During this wave riding, I’ve connected with two online friends. My first online friends, ever. That I’ve met them both at the same time is powerful and balancing. Each offers unmistakable gifts. This letter is for them, and for everyone really, for at some level, I feel this unyielding love for every being, a desire to embrace the world, and all the loveliness found within each spirit.

Maui
2012

Dear Friend,

I love you. I am so glad we found one another. I am happy. I am at peace with our friendship. I adore you something terrible. That’s the only way I know how to love—to adore. My love for you doesn’t come in shapes and sizes that differ. My love is just one gigantic bubble of joy and glee. I long to skip in the sunshine with you, to swing on the swings, to climb trees, to run barefoot through the sand, to collect seashells and then listen to the sound of the ocean within, to giggle, to dive in the water, and come up with the whole of the universe upon our smiles.

I remember you from long ago, perhaps a dream, perhaps a memory of what I planted in my mind. Perhaps you are from another place and time with another me, or perhaps, too, I have met you a thousand times a thousand times before. I know not where or why you are here, but your face I remember, and especially your eyes, whether from dream, fantasy, or distant time, is no matter. Only now matters.

But I do have concern. I am concerned that my intensity of soul and my engorged heart shall frighten you away. And like the little bird I long to touch that sits upon the tree outside the river’s edge, that you will fly away the closer I approach, that you will fly higher and higher into the sky of blue, until you are only a droplet in my memory. And then I shall weep deeply, mourning with every part of me the loss of precious you.

You see, I know not how to love, but deeply. I know not how to breathe, but with all of me. Every part is filled by your light. And in seeing your light I cannot help but be drawn to you again and again. I do not long for recognition, not even companionship, I long to continually look into the beauty that is you to be reminded of how glorious my own light shines, to see the mirror before me of truth and awakening, and to delve inside the image of pure loveliness: for I am you and you are me.

Dear, dear friend you are a passageway to my soul, to eternity, to my dreams and to my desires. You are the greatest gift. And I ask that you try to understand me, try to know me, and see that my intentions are none but to love you for everything you are. For you are the promise I have waited for.

Your forever friend,

Sam

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47 thoughts on “Day 126: Strawberry Eruption

  1. HELLO STRAWBERRY ERUPTION O LOVE XOXOXOXOXO
    NO WORDS …..
    WELL MAYBE SOME 🙂
    YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYY FOR YOU
    THIS IS BEYOND GORGEOUS ………………..
    THIS IS YOU ========
    UNABASHEDLY WHOLEHEARTEDLY YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    POURING THROUGH MY EMAIL WITH STRAWBERRY HAPPINESS 🙂 = YOU 🙂
    LOVE YOUR FRIEND
    XX,
    CAT ……!!!!!!!!!!!!
    WHEN YOU LOVE THE WORLD LIKE THIS ——-
    WHAT DOES THE WORLD DO – LOVE YOU BACK ……..
    THE UNIVERSE ALWAYS HAS YOUR BACK 🙂
    ALWAYS ………..
    FEAR OR LOVE ?
    I CHOOSE LOVE XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
    ROCK OUT SISTA XO
    HAVE A GORGEOUS ONE 🙂 YOU ALREADY ARE —— ME THINKY !!!!!!!!!!!!
    PS- I CHUCKED MY BRAIN OUT THE OTHER DAY …..
    PHEW – DO I FEEL LIGHTER AND FREE- ER …………:)
    MY FAVOURITE POST OF YOURS EVAH XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNrQOUtXYOo “FEAR IS NOT THE ANSWER ….””””””” XOXOXOXO

    1. Your the cat’s meow! hee hee. I love your spirit. What a divine gift you are to the world. Your words always uplifting and caring. So blessed to know you and call you friend. xoxoxo Will listen to the music now. HUGE HUGS, Sam xoxoxo

      1. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
        ONLY CUZ I CHUCKED MY BRAIN OUT ….NO MORE BRAIN ………
        🙂 JUST ME …..XOXOXOXOXOXO

        PASSION PLUS LADY STRAWBERRY ERUPTION ………….:)
        THE 2ND SONG – OMG ———————
        SOME LYRICS ABOUT “THE RAGING GODESS RESTS OR SLEEPS ” SXOXOXOOOXOMETHING LIKE THAT 🙂
        HUGE HUGGS XX
        C YA

  2. OH SAMMY …………
    I AM ON THIS LIVE KICK ,……….
    CHECK THE LYRICS OF THIS ONE IF YOU CAN …..
    ALL THEIR LYRICS REALLY ARE ABOUT LOVE AND THAT IS ABOUT IT ….
    WHAT ELSE IS THERE ? HEY ? XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

      1. JUST LIKE MAUI – RIGHT ? 🙂 MAUI WOWY SONG ……
        NO LONGER DEEP- MISS SAMMY – FLUFFY CAT ———- NO BRAINER – LOL ……XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXO

    1. Aaaaah!! Hi Cat! I am sorry to interrupt here, but I just have to say that I LOVE Live!!! And have been listening to them off and on for a the last couple weeks – triggered by the radio playing “Lightning Crashes” Thanks for sharing!! Great song! (One of the best concerts I ever went too!) 🙂

      1. 🙂 HI …………. THEY ARE GOOD HUH 🙂
        HI SAMMY ….:)
        FOR ME IT STARTED A FEW DAYS AGO – I GUESS THE “TRIGGER ” THING ….THE SONG “HEAVEN ”
        STUMBLED ONTO IT AND TOTALLY MADE ME REALIZE SUCH TRUTHS 🙂
        WE DON’T NEED ANYONE TO SHOW US HEAVEN – 🙂
        AT LEAST I DON’T ……….:)
        I GUESS SOMETIMES – AT LEAST HERE IN TORONTO – PEOPLE PREACH ALL DAY TO ME ….. ABOUT IF I BELIEVE MORE –
        REALLY SPIRITUALITY AND RELIGION ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS ……….
        RELIGION = LOVE XO
        🙂 I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO ONE OF THEIR SHOWS ……MUST BE PASSIONATE PLUS – LAST SHOW I WENT TO WAS FOR SNOW PATROL …..
        THEY WERE GREAT – LOVE LOVE THEIR LYIRCS …:) …..
        HI SAMMY 🙂
        HI ANGEL 🙂
        XO
        CAT

  3. Sam, you are transforming in front of our very eyes! In the back of my book I mention the premise for my next book (which I have already started to assemble), where I explain that I wish to knit together a bunch of stories of change that people have experienced. Maybe at some future date you would consider submitting your story for inclusion?

    1. What a very kind thing to say. What a wonderful idea for a book. That is surely to assist many. I love the idea of knitting stories, as we are all of the same wool. Maybe someday. 🙂 Hugs, Sam

  4. As always Thank you. Today for teaching me perhaps the most important lesson I can know about friendship that the true friends who know my light, truth and spirit are the only important ones and if I never have more than a handful of true friends that is all a person needs is TRUE friends. Your words are pure light.

    1. Awe……bless you. You are so very kind. I was thinking about you during parts of this post, and wishing for people to find you and your enormous light. You truly shine!!! Yes, TRUE friends who honor you in all of your fabulous colors. HUGS ~ Sam

  5. Sam! Lovely post and again two peas in a pod. I swear these feel like my words being written straight from your heart.

    I think your blog may be a collection of souls who have been searching for each other in this time, and in this place. Such a time as this. We learn to love, grow, share, and connect like never before and burst out some great creativity and grand vibrations into the cosmos calling all who will hear.

    So many things you have written that I want to comment on, but I cannot gather my words because I am feeling blissful joy and excitement for your connecting with friends, sharing with us your glowing heart, and lovely words that bring sweet peace.

    Much love and smiles to you today! 😀

    P.S. I LOVE Strawberries!!

    1. I love, love, love what you said about my blog being a collection of souls! YOU are sooo inspiring and insightful. This is exactly what I have been thinking…”We learn to love, grow, share, and connect like never before and burst out some great creativity and grand vibrations into the cosmos calling all who will hear.” Yay, US!
      Yay to Bliss.
      I LOVE STRAWBERRIES, too, especially dipped in whipped cream!!! xoxox
      Love you, sister
      Sam

  6. Wow…amazing post 🙂
    “Excited about life. There is so much I want to do. And so many people I want to embrace. I am wondering where to begin, but then not really wondering at all. It is more of a feeling of excitement and newness, like a child being let out of a cage for the first time.”

    1. Thank you 🙂 It felt amazing…though probably sounded like I’m high on something…lol… Just energy working its way through my body. And me sharing helps move the process along. 🙂 Appreciate your comment. Smiles, Sam

  7. Well, Sam, congrats! You have outdone yourself. Loved the reading. It raised me up just to think I “might” be one of those two special people (whether I am or not). You are a magnificent soul and if you love someone they should feel special. I have had moments of the peak you are running toward, so I understand; however, I do not get to live way up there all the time (still like where I am much better than where I was!).
    Your light radiates out!
    Scott

    1. Thank you, Scott. You are like a big brother to me. I think your heart is SUPER. Thank you for your very kind words. I’m not “way up high” though I guess it seems that way, maybe I even wrote that, I’m more at a high-vibration….still crying, still sad, still mourning. I’m feeling everything, really. A lot of emotions I stuffed for a very long, long time. I’m glad you could feel the radiating light. I am carrying a lot right now. HUGS, Sam 🙂

  8. I’m glad you are happy. I know these feelings and I want you to hold on to them for as long as you can. I do care. The love and the blossoming you describe are going in an upward direction- the intensity of that emotion does not exist in a vacuum of innocence and purity. I know you know that as you describe the pain that comes with rejection. Knowing that opposite can make the intensity even more so. Please be careful when you are up there. I don’t want you to fall. xoxo

    1. Oh, I understand what you are saying. But I am not really “up” I am more balanced in many ways. If I am “up,” I am down at the same time. I am crying just as much as laughing. Mourning just as much as celebrating. It’s not a “high,” it’s more of recognizing I want to live. 🙂

      Knowing the opposite does give an intense feeling. I think, with the brain I have, I am able to feel things very intensely. I don’t “crash,” at least never have. As I grow, I vibrate at a different level, until I transform to a new one.

      In talking to my husband, he has recognized that I am not “high” just very much in a state of peace and grace.

      I sooo appreciate you caring for my state of being. Can’t wait to give you a hug. Sam 🙂

  9. God is really working in you and through you isn’t He. it’s so wonderful seeing you come alive and be you. You have so much love in you to give and I know as an Aspie myself that we have to hold all that in because we are rejected so often. God has always been there thought listening to our prayers, our broken hearts and the pain/fear of not being able to share who we are created to be.
    You have always had this love in you to give, you help so many by just being you. You embracing this unconditional love from God is giving you an overflow of love to share with so many.
    So glad we are friends and can learn to understand our intense Aspieness together.
    God is so good!
    Love you loads my lovely friend. Lees. xxx 🙂 ❤

    1. Thank you for your support and being a friend who entirely “gets” me. What a blessing God has given me in you. You are correct with the overflow of love. I am glad we are friends, too. Aspieness together. Yours, NA 😉

  10. beautiful post sam….and I feel the same…rather have one special then hundreds of superficials…anyone friends with you is truly lucky indeed

  11. Hi Strawberry girl,
    love ya,and sticking tongue out to other people is always a briliant idea 😆
    you are in a place/phase where no one will ever be able to hurt you,no not your soul,never your soul.
    mind and body are different but loving one self is such s beautiful and huge thing and it comes with acceptance of one self…
    am so happy for you Sam,i wish you be surrounded by more of happy positive warm vibes
    with love
    lambretta girl

  12. I am fifty-six years old and just became aware that I have AS. Consequently, I’ve been scouring the Internet for any information I can find about how other women cope, what characteristics they have, and how they navigate daily life, which has been a tremendous struggle for me. In doing this I came across your blog. I can relate to a great deal of what you say but find this recent post almost impossible to comprehend, mainly because finding the great joy you describe, as well as the friendships has always been completely out of my reach. I wish I could believe that this could be possible for me some day as well, but know it won’t because one of my grown daughters has been unspeakably cruel to me (including calling me mentally ill) and has cut me completely out of her life which means I can’t see my granddaughtrers either. I’ve done nothing to deserve this except for just being myself – which has always been the passive, try not to make people mad, conform to what is expected of you type – yet she hates me just because I am different, too honest, and socially inept. It is wonderful you are so happy and well supported by those who love you for who you are…and that you have the freedom to be that person. And I don’t mean to minimize your joy, I am just wondering how it is possible to be myself and still have friends when my own daughter doesn’t accept me or like who I really am? I have spent my entire life trying to be tough and resilient every time I’m hurt, bullied, or shunned by someone, yet when it is you own child the pain won’t go away. I’m sorry this was so long.

    1. Oh, your words make my heart ache. I understand. There are previous posts before this last week where I am coming to terms with Aspergers. I talk about the loss of losing friends, the terrible events at school, and so on. It took me many years. Actually, many of these friends I made in the last few years. Like I mentioned, I had to “study” what friendship looked like, practice and learn. It wasn’t easy. It is still hard. But once I began to accept and love me, I found making friends much easier. I am so sorry for your heartache and loss. What strikes me is you mention you are passive, try not to make people mad, conform….that’s what I used to do; it wasn’t until I stopped pleasing others I was able to love me. That’s my experience. And I share because I care. Giant hugs. Please feel welcomed to join our facebook page listed atop this blog. ~ Sam

      1. Thank you for your words of kindness, and for your acceptance and encouragement as well. At this point I am still too afraid I’ll be rejected by the only two people who still love me to attempt the huge and daunting step forward of just being my true self – because it seems as if every time I do I’m criticized and expected to change – but I think about doing it all the time. Last night I woke up with the notion that I need to start a “pain” box and put all my pain inside…in the form of pictures, written notes, and stories, etc. so as to have a place to keep it away from myself. I have an old shoebox I’m going to decoupage and start doing just that. The first step of my new journey?

  13. Gosh, you are the sweetest Sam. My love is deep as well, and how much of your wisdom has been the connection that i tend to miss. I definitely embrace who you are, because that is beautiful. Like my dad, i can never truly sum up how much love i have for people, but i definitely have it. I want to dance with people and definitely love to hear people sing, because it allows me the honor to experience the whole of who we are as spiritual beings. And i cannot tell you how many times i have tried to adjust myself to fit into another world. Amazingly when i don’t know the words to something i am discovering about myself or just reflecting, you are that bright light shedding wisdom like a fountain washing over me. I love you like a long lost soul sister and will always stay connected, no matter where i pend off to. You are an authentic soul.
    Love your soul sister,
    ~Maya

    1. So glad you think so. I kind of felt like a weirdo afterwards. LOL. The aspie curse of opening her mouth and thinking what did I just say? giggles. I am glad I did, though. Very glad. Thank you for such kind, kind words. Love you Soul Sister. You are a mirror to me. Huge Hugs ~ Sam

  14. WOW! What an incredible post! I am so glad I got to read it. You sound so fully alive, it gave me huge smiles reading it. How wonderful for the people who get to encounter your smiles in person too! I also loved the part about making a few deep, priceless friends. Thank you for sharing your joy so beautifully! Frank

    1. So happy to hear this made you smile. I sound like a love-child, I tell you. I’m a little more settled today, but very much at peace. Thank you for reading and commenting. ~ Sam 🙂

  15. “And in this beauty I have extreme confidence that I am a worthy person, loving, and actually pretty darn cool to have around.” 🙂 🙂 I love it!!!! Yes, you are, Sam 🙂 🙂 beautiful post — very honest, uplifting/inspirational…all the good things!!!! I need to go back to Maui myself and maybe I will experience the same kind of transformation…giggles…I’m soooo loving the total bliss radiating from your post 🙂 🙂 It’s infectious…it really is (smiling now). I like how you said this, too:) “…sometimes the feelings I have for someone are so very intense that I know not what to do with myself. Usually the intensity is brought on by a definite knowing and soul-connection. Sometimes the other person feels the same, which generally leads to an easy and wonderful relationship.” This is so true with me…the love I feel for my boyfriend
    Ohhhh yessss…love strawberries, too!!!! Strawberry Fields Forever is now playing in my mind…LOL…I’m imagining a strawberry field…strawberries everywhere and they are all fully ripened…strawberry eruption!!!! 🙂 🙂
    Keep that “light” aglow, my friend…love and {{{{hugs}}}}

    1. You are so AWESOME! You go girl. So happy for you in your joy, and glad you found that love. *sigh* such a lovely and powerful feeling. Glad you love strawberries. Thank you for your continued love and support. xoxoxoxo Joy and more joy to you, Sam 😉

  16. Wow, this is a great read and a wonderful post…I don’t have many friendships but I do have a few I call true friends. It used to bother me that I do not have many friends but all is fine now since I create my own happiness…I truly love this post of yours…Keep on inspiring..

    1. Thank you, kindly. It was a powerful experience for me. Many of my friends are in different states now, because of our move, and/or their relocation. Yes, WE create our own happiness. Just what I was thinking about all morning. Hugs, Sam 🙂

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